“A New Beginning 7”

 

Wednesday July 28, 2004

 

12:52 PM

 

I was very distraught on the twelfth of this month due to the fact that it was my late sister’s birthday. I had been grieving her loss a great deal for some weeks leading up to that day. It is odd there are times when there will be periods of several days go by, that I will either not think of her, if I do I remember the good times from our childhood. There are also times when I will think of her with great fondness feeling certain that she is always nearby watching over me and protecting me from harm’s way. I especially when I see the moon is yellow as before she passed into eternity I gave her the Indian name “Yellow Moon”. Still there are often also times when I think of her and I can’t stop crying because I miss her terribly and I want so much just to be able to physically feel her body in my arms, to hold her and never have to let go. I do still see her spirit when I think of her. It is however little consolation to me when I can not hold her. It really brings me more comfort to see her there sometimes after a really good cry and sometimes just makes me want her back all the more.

 

On the 21^st of this month my 21 year old cousin Rusty also went on from this world into his eternal reward to look upon the loving faces of the Holy Mother, Father and our blessed savior Jesus Christ whom he apparently loved with all his soul and mind. Although I didn’t know Rusty as well in his adolescents and early adulthood as well as I did during the formative years of his early childhood, I loved him very much and I will miss him more than any words could ever describe. He was not only a precious little boy when he was little; he was a precious cousin to me. I didn’t get to see him often, but when I did he was always kind, loving and non judgmental with me. Every time I did see him there was always an adorable twinkle in his sweet eyes, a smile on his lips and outstretched arms to greet me with. There was never a cross or unkind word or unkind word from him and he always let me know when I saw him that he loved me. I just wish that I could have had more opportunities to know him on an even more personal level that I did. I really feel strongly that we could have been great friends as well as cousins who rarely saw each other.

 

My soul truly bleeds for his parents, the sisters and brother that he left behind to remain here in this world. I wanted so much to do so when they asked me to give them some strongly encouraging words of wisdom to help them get through this horrific time of grief and sadness. I wanted so much to tell them that they can frequently see him still though not in body; for he is no longer bound to that which encased his soul. The only reason that I didn’t was because I was afraid that I would be misunderstood and perceived as a lunatic. Honestly I was also afraid that what little progress I was making with Tommy Jr. his brother and my cousin who has been very distant and unkind to me for many years would be re-stunted. I don’t know why Tommy’s feelings towards me are so important to me other than that I can’t forget what good friends we once were, and I want us to be able to put our differences aside and be the cousins and friends that we were meant to be. I want us to pick up where we left off all those years ago and truly be loving family again. I don’t know if he still loves me at all or not, but through the midst of all the anger and hurt that I have felt towards him over the last several years; I still love him deeply. I always will. I wouldn’t have felt those feelings if I hadn’t still loved him. I have decided that the next time I see him, I going to try to talk to him and ask him if he would be willing to talk to me. I’m going to tell him about my HIV status and let him know that want him to help me if he can to marry. I don’t know how successful I’ll be with getting him to talk to me, or how successful he will be with helping me with my endeavor. But I have to try. I’m not sure but I think it’s the only way to mend this rift between us once and for all.

 

I honestly don’t believe that there is a decent man out there for someone in my situation to be found anyway. I have recently come to realize that a large part of the reason for my not having had a successful romantic relationship as yet has been due to my co dependency. I also feel that the Lord and Lady have been using these relationships that I have been in throughout my life for the purpose of preparing me for a wonderfully beautiful and healthy marriage to a woman. I have grown to not only love womben tremendously, but I have also come to understand them far better than the average man through having been in every kind of negative situation that a womban could ever be in with a man. Weather it sounds crazy to others or not this is the way I feel about my past. It has been a series of stepping stones and a preparatory class so to speak to give me the strength, courage and respect for womben needed to be a truly awesome husband to a humble and gentle  spirited womban out there somewhere willing to love me for me. I just don’t know where to begin my search for her. I hope that Tommy can help me in this attempt however futile it may turn out to appear to be.

                 

 Blessed be the Ancient Trinity of Mother Goddess, Father God and the Holy Son of Atonement.