He told me that it isn't what I think it is. It always keeps coming back to the sexuality issue. He doesn't want to be bi sexual. He wants to be either one or the other gay or strait. It drives him so crazy his head turning all of the time for both instead of just for one or the other. There are days when he wants some pussy so bad he can almost taste it and really wants to. Most of the time he wants both so bad he can't make up his mind which one he wants more than the other. That makes him very frustrated and angry. This is not who he wants to be.

I keep trying to tell him, Foggy honey; you don't have a choice in this one. For whatever the reason, good or bad this is who you are. Do you really think that if you get with a woman it's going to make your longing for a man decrease? It won't happen; I can tell you to expect that now. You're with me and you still want a woman. Why would you stop wanting a man just because you're currently with a woman; It won't happen that way Fog. It never does. You're leaving a part of yourself unattended that needs to be tended to. As long as you continue to keep hiding from who you are and not just what you want but also what you apparently need to make you feel whole, you're going to continue this self-destructive cycle of mental, emotional and even spiritual suicide. You are personally and spiritually killing yourself by trying to run away from yourself. It can't be done. Take it from one who tried to do it him self for many years. It can't be done. Everywhere you go you have to take yourself with you; all of you. You can't just leave a part of you that's with you at all times at home in your closet and just take it out when it's convenient like it's a pair of shoes or a neck tie. Your sexuality goes with you everywhere you go; it doesn't just pop up when you want to make use of it and stay hidden away for your convenience when you don't want it around. It's with you at all times because it is you. You can't stop being who you are Fog; to even try that is to do immeasurable damage to your own mind and spirit. You probably haven't allowed yourself to conduct any rituals yet because you know what your rituals really need to be about and you won't make them what they need to be about. They need to be about what mine are about. Mine are mostly self-transformation rituals. Magic dictates that before you can work it for the purpose of helping others in any way, you must use it first to help yourself. The balancing Libra in you is what won't allow you to practice because he knows you won't use your rituals to balance yourself with your sexuality. Will honey, I've had a theory for some time. I want to share it with you. I personally don't believe that anyone is holistically gay or strait. Everyone is bisexual in one way or another. No one is completely male or female; you know that. We all possess both male and female attributes of some kind. That's a fact. The theory is that in much the same way that having sex, abusing or making love to a child is considered by most westerners to be immoral. To be open about being bisexual is seen much the same way by many people. Behind closed doors Fog; nobody cares. Why are you still letting "social norms" set you apart when you know you're no different than anyone else in this case. I'm no different; I enjoy a good pussy as much as the next guy. I've just allowed myself to be satisfied with men when I can have one while in the process of living my life I allow myself to snag a pussy when the opportunity pops up. When it does I keep going back for more for as long as the opportunity is there. Once it's gone I accept that it's gone until it comes back with the same one or a different one. In the mean time I satisfy myself with men or a man wherever possible. Maybe you should try the same thing, whether the way I do it or the other way around. At any rate you are going to have to eventually find some way to embrace yourself and who you are for just that, yourself and who you are. You will never find true happiness or any sense of wholeness until you do. No one can. Without doing that we are all incomplete.

You're always barking at me about acceptance. Start practicing what you' preach dude. Accept yourself. I don't know how many times I have to tell you; don't worry about me. I've gotten through worse things than losing you if it comes to that. If I could eventually get over "Fuck Face" I'll get over you to in time. It's been a great learning experience for me. I'll never get together with anyone again or stay with anyone again who doesn't have a clue what he wants or what he's about. There's too much stress from all of the confusion that goes on from never knowing what direction to lead the relationship in. It's just too much for me. It's just too mutually destructive. If I am going to be with someone I want to be with someone who's going to be mutually sanity inducing rather than deducing. I want to be that for you Fog, but it seems that the more I try to help be that kind of man, the more you become less and less that kind of man. You can give some really great advice, but when it comes to applying it to yourself; you do a really shitty job. Don't beat yourself over the head for that though; I include myself when saying that almost everybody does that in one way or another. It's always easier to give good advice to others than it can often be to practice the same advice that you're giving. It is however something that we all must continually strive to do in that we really do have all of the answers to all of our problems within us, if we would just listen to the advice we give others and practice the same advice for ourselves. I believe that's really all any of us has to do to become a properly adjusted and well-balanced individual. It's really that simple. If only the simplest things to do in life didn't always seem to be the hardest ones. It would be an easy life wouldn't it? You know something though sweetie, it would be a life without growth of any kind also. That's why the Lord and Lady allow the difficulties that come our way in life to come to us. They know that we will grow from them in ways that we can't even see at the time and may never see in the future.

Nevertheless we will grow from our difficulty and suffering. Everyone that comes into our lives is put there for a reason; you're right about that. That reason is growth. Sometimes perhaps it is time to move on because we've maybe grown as much as we're going to from being with a particular person. I personally believe that that's really a cop out. There is always more to learn from being with any one if we are willing to learn what they have to teach us. That's why so many gay relationships fail Fog honey; because people stop being willing to learn more from the person that they're with and they stop being willing to grow with that person instead of away or apart from them. We're both trying to get to same place in life Fog; we're just at different levels of understanding about many things.

There is a song on one of my John Denver CDs that I want you to listen to. I want you to listen to it very closely Fog. It makes a lot of sense. The song is titled "Different Directions". The first verse is as follows.

They say they love each other. I've no doubt they do. They say they'll always be together. That may not be true. They come from different places, different points of view. They find themselves in different spaces. Everything is all brand new.

Listen to the song and tell me if it doesn't sound as if it's describing you and me right down the line. If we are meant to be together we will be together. Maybe we just aren't ready for each other yet. Maybe we need to do some more growing before we can be ready for each other. Maybe we just have to wait for each other and do the best we can with what we have in the mean time. To be honest with you I really think we need to do that apart, or I think I need to. I have a suggestion. Why don't we try to continue being together and not live with each other? Maybe that way we can both have the time and freedom that we need to adjust to each other (if we can) that we should have given ourselves from the beginning. We didn't give ourselves that Fog. It would also give us both the time and freedom that we need to work on ourselves individually. Maybe trying to that and living together in the process is what's stunting us both. I don't know, but maybe that was all we needed to do from the start and we need to start the process again. It could really be that simple. It might not be, but we won't know unless we give it a shot. Maybe what we need is a good, old fashioned, courtship process. That may be all that we needed from the beginning. Who knows? Can either one of us really say we know for sure if that will work or not? No we can't. We won't know for sure unless we try.

I don't really know exactly what we should do. All I do know is that we have to do something that's going to be healthy and constructive for us both. Mutual destruction is not the way to go with this. We must be constructive and productive with each other in whatever we do. If you want us to stay together I think this may be the only realistic option that we have left, unless you can think of another one that I'm not seeing. If that's the case please share it with me today.

Always loving you,

"Patrick"