I really actually feel more sympathy at this point for him that anger. I'm still angry and I still feel very hurt by all this bullshit his got going in his life. Nevertheless, I'm working through it slowly but surely at my own pace. I'm not as angry as I was just two weeks ago. I'm still not ready to deal with his self-denial, but in an undetermined period of time I do feel I will be able to at least talk to him once in a while. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to go anywhere and do anything with him again; not as long as he continues his dilution of heterosexuality.

It pains me in more ways than I can count what he's doing to himself and, what he's done to us. I want him to be happy with himself, and I know he won't be as long as he continues this facade. What I think I really am hurt by most in all of this is the feeling of helplessness that has accompanied the situation. It's really very difficult to just try to put someone you love so much out of your mind so often; because you know that they are too hard headed and self deceived to let you help them back into the reality of who they are and will always be.

I'm so glad that I know these things about myself. I'm so grateful for all of the hardships I've had to endure at such a young age, which brought me to the knowledge of personal and spiritual awareness, of self-awareness. This knowledge has given me an inner strength to go on to whatever is to come next in my life that no one can take away from me. I've read books that have greatly aided me in this process and given much thought to all that I read. It did take some years of making the same mistakes many times before I learned from them what they were trying to teach me.

Thanks mainly to Lynn V. Andrews and her Medicine Woman series of books I found my personal power. I have found a place within my own spirit that I can go to at any time to tap into that power, and give myself just the boost I need at any time to go on to whatever challenge I am to face next in my life. I thank Great Spirit. I thank the Goddess Ashira Mary; and I thank the savior Christ for the enlightenment that they bestowed upon Mother Lynn. I thank them all for bringing to the place where I needed to be in my life at the time I needed most to be there, to find the medicine woman series when I needed it most and could use it for my own self empowerment. There have been many that I have tried to help to find themselves. There have been, unfortunately, as far as I'm aware, very few who have been willing to learn from me; such as Foggy for example.

In situations such as these there is only one thing that, anyone can do for someone who refuses our help. We can only pray that somewhere along the journey of spirit, that those we love and hold so dear to us will some day see the light of truth and self-awareness at the time that it is presented to them. We can only hope and pray for them that when they see it; they see it when they need it most, and embrace it with all their soul, body, mind and might to find within themselves, that special place of truth and light of self and spirit. There are often times when the only option left to us is prayer. Many times prayer coupled with faith, love and compassion, are the most powerful spiritual tools within this universe. Therefore I pray and hope with the boundless faith in God/Dess and Christ. I pray and hope with a heart filled with compassion for my hearts true love. I pray and hope that he awaken from this self-deceptive sleep to the peace and tranquility of self-acceptance through his own self awareness in spirit and in truth.

So it shall be.