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If you take the mouse and scroll down fast, does it make it feel like you're falling? 
I feel like i'm falling without having to look at this page, but maybe you'll know how i feel when you read about it.
How do i describe what it feels like to have a brother leave?  It's not something I ever got used to.  Knowing i had 2 nephews out there growing up without my side of the family, only remembering that they liked Teenage mutant ninja turtles just gone and for reasons I didn't even know about.  Later I hear he has 4 kids.. all it does is hurt.  Wishing you could see your brother again.. wishing he hadn't left your life so empty.  My father died, and I felt like when Phillip left.. I was just stuck... I was afraid of people leaving me.. because when they leave, they don't come back.

Well, one day Robin called me and told me that Phillip called her.  She said he would call me sometime, because when he left, i was still a child, and it wasn't fair to me that he went out of my life.  we've talked a few times.  his wife doesn't know.  I think he wants to take it one step at a time.  I guess i can understand.. I mean i know just talking to him i get nervous and scared.  I know when we meet I'm going to be totally freaked out with panic.  I told him about my life and things like that.. he's talked about his boys.. It's so nice.  He told me the first time he called that he thought about what I wrote.. how i didn't understand what i did at 13 to make him go away.  I know i didn't physically do anything, but it all makes you feel like it's all your fault.  I mean someone's not talking to you, you obviously did something.  But he said i was innocent through it all.  That was good to know, but I just wish it hadn't taken so long.. I feel like i've missed out on so much.  I have. 

July 4th 2003
I looked all around the cudahy 4th of july parade looking for him.  He told me to meet him there and act like i just ran into him.  Well i walked and looked everywhere and i knew the parade was ending soon.  I was getting nervous, maybe i wouldn't find him.  But I finally did as they were starting to leave.  Phillip was a block ahead of me, and i was trying not to get scared and back away.  I think i walked 4 more blocks just to catch up to him.  But he saw me and i waved my hand up in the air and he smiled.  I met up with him on the corner and he said "I know you"  heh.. wow.. I was in.  His older sons Xavier 15, and Zachary 13(now 14) knew i was meeting up with him so they came by right when we met at the corner.  He put his arm around me and i kinda did it back.  The plan was.. that it was just going to be a "oh, look who ran into us" kinda deal.  "Say Erika, would you like to come over for dinner?"  and then I would come over and we could all get to know each other more and it would be nice.  But i said, as i was trying to be polite.. "If it's ok with everyone"  and janice said it wasn't.  Actually at first she said 'i dunno..  do you still talk to your mom?"  and i said "I live with my mom"  "oh.. you live with her.. Ya know Erika, I don't think it would be a good idea to come over" and phil said why not..  and she went into this big thing about how my mom is what's the word... vicious and ?  and I said "Um.. how do you know, you don't know her"  and i was getting upset.  I was swelling up with anger and frustration and the tears just started coming out.  But I kept my stand.  I wouldn't let her attempt to belittle anyone i cared about because the fact is, she doesn't know any of them.  She doesn't know robin, or my mom.. or anyone.  And what does my mom have to do with me coming and seeing my brother, i asked her.  She said "Because you'll go back and tell"  and i looked around and said "tell what?  what would i tell people?"  and then phillip came in and said "ya know what janice, I invited Erika here."  "oh you did"  i could see she was pissed.  Xavier came up to me and said "just ignore her.. ignore her"  Here is this young man i haven't seen since he was about 4 or 5 and he probably doesn't remember me.. and he's sticking up for me.   Then Janice started in again "ya know what Erika, i'm sorry, but no.  We have our own family now and - " and then Zachary interupted and said "shut up mom"  So i figured I wasn't getting anywhere now.  I was scared phillip was going to just get in the van with his family and drive away.  And here came the opportunity.  Janice said she had to go to the bathroom.  Xavier said "So go!"  and janice said "are you coming" and phillip said "no, I wanna talk to my sister"  "Well, I have to go to the bathroom, so let's go."  and phillip said "you have a car, right?"  'yes'  "I'm gonna walk with my sister and i'll meet you back home."  "Fine.  Boys are you coming?  "No" - Xavier  "Zachary?"  "No"

right now i'm feeling like She's going to ground them and murder my brother for leaving her.  But here we were walking the 9 blocks back to my car (not to mention it was hot as hell that day!!!)  I'm sweating, tears in my eyes and the lovely mucus that follows is gagging me.  Not to mention my panic and my disbeliefs that my brother and his two oldest sons are walking with me to my car.  He kinda chuckled and said "Well, i didn't expect it to turn out like this."  and i said "yeah.. well.. i'm sure she didn't like being put on the spot like that."  then he said how it shouldn't matter.. God his boys look like they did the last time i saw them.. just a lot bigger! 

We got to my car and he said we should just drive a little bit, to give Janice some time to cool off.  When we got to my car Xavier said 'cool car' and i said thanks.  Then i had that mask on the back of my seat and he said 'cool mask'  I suppose he didn't know what else to see.  it's not just difficult on me, i'm sure.  So we were driving around a little and i said "ya know, I left my stereo face in the trunk to cover up those awkward silences." and we all laughed.  I was driving closer to his house and getting more nervous.  Was he just going to walk out of the car and out of my life again? 

Well, I parked the car across the street from his house and opened my trunk because i had some pictures to give to him.  He and his boys looked at the pictures right there as i told him who was who.  He said 'see, everyone gets along on that side too, don't you wish you could be a part of that" or something to that extent, and the boys nodded.  I wanted to scream "you are!  come over any time! You're welcome, people can put down their old dumb differences and if they can't I don't care!  I'd rather have you in my life!"  Even though it's been 10 years of not knowing who he is, i would.  He said he was going to go.. and get hell from the wife.  I said ok.. and he gave me a hug.  Not just any hug, but a hug that lasted so long, that you actually start to think "Wow.. this is a real hug."  I thought his boys would say goodbye and walk with their dad, but they hugged me too.  Zachary is as tall as me. 

After that, i heard from him on July 24th, getting ready for Zachary's birthday party.  I didn't hear from him in august at all.  I was terrified.  I knew it was going to happen.  I knew I'd see him and then never see or hear from him again.
Just when I was going to tell people, admit it to people.. he sends me 6 pictures in an email.
My heart lifted so much, I started crying.  The 3rd of Sept he called me while i was waiting for my doctor appointment.  I told him I was afraid he wasn't going to call or contact me anymore.  He said "no, oh no.. i've been busy, i'm in georgia right now and every time i get back home I have to work on the basement to set up for the next kid.  We had no plumbing for 3 days, it was terrible."  He called me.  He called me.. that's what my head was saying over and over again.  He still wants me to be in his life!

It's the happiest I've felt in a long time.

December 2003, Yasmin Grace was born, he sent some great pictures and I finally got to see what Vincent and Weston looked like clearly.  I had only seen them in july and that was from a distance. 
It's April 2004 and much has happened.  I don't know how.. i probably will never know how, but Phillip had managed to talk Janice into letting me and robin's family come over to his house and spend some time there.  It was amazing.  I think i was in Awe the whole time, mostly just sitting there listening to everyone else talking.  Phil and Robin were getting along like they hadn't had 10 years apart, it coulda been the pina colada too..  It was so great.. how am i to describe what it was like sitting in Phillips house hanging out with him and joking around about things that families joke around about?  I had given the kids gift certificates to stores, not to kiss up to them, but hey, i missed a lot of birthdays and I love giving presents to kids. 
Zachary Quinn 14, Xavier Blain 16, Weston Archer(turning 5), Vincent Casmir 10, and Yasmin Grace!
At the end, I was a little sad, not knowing what was going to happen next, and Janice.. she gave me a hug and a kiss.  I was so confused but still in a state of shock, that I didn't quite take it in for a while.  But now I ask, how can someone be so cruel to me in July, and HUG and give me a KISS in March?  Robin said Phillip must have convinced her that we were innocent and weren't going to tell anyone any of their business.  But 10 years of hatred and then I get a hug and kiss?  It seemed so easily done.. so why did it take so long?  I'm afraid to ask.

I talked to Phillip online on Saturday, only from encouragement from a friend.  I don't know what to say to him sometimes, because it's still awkward and of course, my panic rises incredibly fast when I see his screen name online.  But when I managed to say hi, it was a nice conversation.  He asked me if I wanted to come to Weston's birthday party on May 15th, he's turning 5, of course i said I'd love to come.

I had this worried voice inside my head that would say "it's going to be ok, it's going to be ok, he'll call sometime, i'll see him again"  I don't hear it anymore. 
My Brother, Phillip