After the shocks and horrors of the first two issues the readership, which is rapidly approaching double figures, would no doubt be relieved to be spared some of the gory details this time. However that would leave precious little to report, so it's more of the same as the Kytes' shocky horror show continues.
In this issue tales of cricketing exploits, mingled with the Kytes' "Oscars" at the 1997 Awards Night, a player profile of a club stalwart, and the Third Test are bound to whet your appetite.
So, in addition, the Sky Times new investigative column, "Behind the Sightscreens", despatched its undercover reporter on a secret mission to solve the mystery of the lunch-time curry: what's really in it?
And there's even more. On May-day a short, grubby note was received from the Captain, in appropriately socialist mood, and this is printed in full. On top of all this there's also a short quiz, matching quotes (or rather unquotes) to the Kytes most likely not to say them, and much, much more.
So, why not put up your feet, open a can of Dunk, and enjoy the super sensational sensual pleasures that can only come from cricket, Kytes-style. Then you can consign the pages to the ever-growing collection in that old shoe-box.
 

A game of two halves is a phrase often reserved for sports like rugby and football, but for the Kytes it could not have been truer than in the Kanto Cup game against the Pakistan Eaglets of Tokyo. The first half was sublime, the second ridiculous.
 

Yet another sunny, dry and still day, 22 degrees Celsius, greeted the teams along with a soggy pitch which was still drying out from the deluge it had suffered during the week. It made for a lively bounce and some wicked spin, which was exploited by both teams' bowlers. Kytes won the toss and elected to field to try to make the most of the drying pitch.

Despite the unacceptable situation of 5 late players, which caused a few frayed tempers and precious little practice time, the Men in White took to the field with a surprisingly focussed attitude.
Todd and Anton shared the new ball; tight bowling, supported by keen fielding, subduing the normally explosive Eaglets openers. Todd made the breakthrough, uprooting the off-stump, and a few overs later Skip caught one with snow on it.
The wickets continued to fall as Anton's field placings put more and more pressure on the batsmen, but the Eaglets kept the score rolling by thrashing anything vaguely wayward.
Takashi took a great outfield catch, the ball swirling around as he traversed the boundary slope, and Nick, bowling with his customary guile, clean bowled two victims as they tried to wrest the initiative.
t was Bruce though who had the batsmen in most trouble and a super spell produced three wickets. Anton made a juggled and bowled, and the much-improved fielding yielded two runouts, the first featuring Kevin, the second Toddy. The latter of these resulted from a rather bizarre *Dambusters' like delivery from Bruce that bounced a number of times before coming to a near standstill in the middle of the pitch. A rather over-excited batsman took a swipe and was run out attempting a rather over-ambitious second run. The Eaglets finished 123 all out from 26 overs.
In fact the Kytes in Whites had fielded sublimely throughout, the sum of the whole exceeding the sum of the parts. There were no runs conceded through either misfields or overthrows; this is undoubtedly an aspect of our game that has improved out of all recognition over the last 2 or 3 seasons.

So a target of 124 was surely within the Kytes' reach. Dream on. Maybe it was because we were bamboozled by the Eaglets' bowling; maybe the pitch was to blame; maybe it was because there was no curry; or maybe, just maybe, the batting was pathetic.
Skip started the rot with a birthday duck, and Francis and Todd meekly surrendered for duck's eggs too. Even though the run-rate was adequate, wickets fell all too rapidly and the Kytes folded, all out for 68 from 22 overs. The lax batting meant that it wasn't even close, with only Bruce, Nick, Anthony and, perhaps, Dilshad, rising above the level of ridiculous. Eaglets won with ease by 55runs. MVP-Bruce.

Sublime fielding and ridiculous batting. Somehow we've got to try to occupy the crease and build a few innings; attempting to score all the runs in consecutive sixes doesn't always seem to work.
 
 

Our luck with the weather couldn't last. It had rained neko and inu throughout the week and, with the promise of more to come, the game was called off on Saturday evening.
Unfortunately, according to the Kanto Cup rules, the match was declared abandoned and each team received a point (at least it gets us off the mark). It is fervently hoped that Tokyo Bay can make the effort to visit us at the ACO later in the season for a friendly.
 
 
 

The Associa Hotel once more provided the venue for a Shizuoka Cricket Association extravaganza. This time it was Awards Night for the 1997 season, and about 30 members took over a section of the Lumi*re restaurant, and took full advantage of a 3 hour binge deal.
????Pitchers were quaffed and food was scoffed as caps were doffed to those of our brethren whose cricketing exploits of last season were fondly recollected.
As well as many of our regular members it was greatly appreciated that a number of others came too: Michiko, Yasuyo, Alan, Sato-san and his daughter Miki, Takami, Kyoko, Yasuko, David, and Tomono and her friends.
Despite the profligate socialising that went on, the focus of the evening was the awards presentation, and below is a pre*is of Skip's speech which was expertly translated by chef d'*quipe, Robert-Gilles:

 -Thanks to everyone for coming.
 -Big thank you to our scorers, Umehara Hiroko and Hirano Hiroko.
 -No MVP award this time; no-one was good enough.

 -2 Champagne Moments:
Dilshad's fantastic 147no v Fuji, in Fuji.
Takashi's skilful(?) bowling under pressure rescued by Ume's text-book catch in the deep v Nagoya, in Nagoya.

-Nominations for best bowler:
Todd - strike-bowler
Bruce - topped the averages
Andrew - great performances
John - - .. -
Dilshad - - . -
Neil - - . -
Anton - - . -

*BEST BOWLER 1997 - TODD PHILLIPS *

-Nominations for best fielder:
Todd - most catches
Ume - great style
Neil - rock-steady, no fines
Kevin - unsung hero
Anton - fine catches, expert organisation

*BEST FIELDER 1997 - NEIL HARRISON *
 

 -Nominations for best batsman:
Andrew - topped the averages, 73no & other good scores
Dilshad - 147no & others
Francis - match-winning 60 & others
Bruce - 48 & others
Takashi - 41 & others
Ume - 38 & others

*BEST BATSMAN 1997 - DILSHAD AHMED *
 

It was our v-c, Anton, who picked up the reins to wrap up the evening, paying tribute to Robert for the enormous amount of work that he puts in to Shizuoka cricket (we think that's what he meant), to Skip for skipping, and to their respective partners, Mitsuko and Chikae, for their help and tolerance.
And at 8.59pm Toddy collected another half-dozen pitchers; it was that kind of night.

PS Another great Kytes' shindig was topped off by a nightcap or two at good ole Ciccio's, where the international flavour was further enhanced by the sudden appearance of 3 friendly Russian Beatles, Pavel, Konstantin and Andrei, over from Vladivostok for a year of Japanese study. They showed a healthy interest in the Kytes club, but the mind boggles at the thought of cricket in Vladishire.
 
 

This is the first in an occasional series of short innings where the Captain is given a quick slog at anything that comes his way. This issue: team selection and socialist tendencies.
It seems only fair, reasons Captain Slog, that if the better players are chosen for the competitive games, then the other players should be afforded a measure of preference for the friendlies. Over and out.
 
 

In this issue Behind the Sightscreens delves into the deep mystery of the lunch-time ladle. What exactly does it dump into those polystyrene dishes? The BtS column decided to send its very own investigative reporter in pursuit of a certain Robert-Gilles Martineau, creator of the lunch-time curry, in order to ask the question on everyone's lips, *What's really in it?"
Saddled with the unenviable task of plunging into the pot of gunge, your intrepid undercover reporter left the safety of the Sky Times office complex and ventured out on to the ACO where the chef d'equipe himself was about to take guard.
"Leg!", he barked. Was this the subtlest of hints that there might actually be some meat in the murky m*lange? Encouraged by this tasty morsel your reporter enthusiastically marked out his run-up, polished the ball, held his nose and closed his eyes as he prepared to jump in and deliver his question.
"So, what's in the curry?" A straight ball, would it get a straight riposte?
"That depends", replied R-G M, padding up.
"Howzaaat!?", screamed everyone.
"Spare me!", retorted the batsman, glaring at the petrified umpire, who was frozen into inaction. Grandad was obviously in determined mood. The next delivery was a tempting long hop just outside leg stump.
"Depends on what?"
"A lot of things". The Frenchman nonchalantly allowed the ball to strike him on the box, another cul-de-sac.
A little more guile was needed, so the third delivery was slightly slower, just asking for it. The Gaul wouldn't have the gall to pad up again, would he?
"For instance?"
"On who's going to eat it". Mon dieu, he got bat to ball, a stylish little teaser that popped up and gently fell equidistant between the 11 onrushing fielders, and didn't even bounce. Your intrepid reporter chewed over this latest titbit as he slowly picked up the ball. Since the ingredients apparently change according to whoever is going to eat, it follows that the recipe is not always the same. The mysteries of the curry were becoming even deeper, even murkier and even more frustrating.
It was time for a little spin, a tantalising off-break with plenty of air; this might pierce the French resistance.
"What's that got to do with it?"
"A lot". The moustachioed musketeer parried this one, a deft, uncompromising half-volley that never left the pitch. Another dot ball.
Desperation was setting in. The next one would be faster and to the point.
"Well, take a typical game".
"We don't have any typical games", was the impassive response as the don from Dijon didn't budge from his stance and let the ball fly straight through to the keeper.
"Right that was it, only one delivery left; he was going to get it. Your flagging undercover man decided to try a bouncer; surely he couldn't evade this one.
"What about our last game then?"
"Oh, I don't remember". The agent provocateur contemptuously turned his back on this sad excuse for a bouncer, which thudded into his left buttock, the piece de resistance.
"Over", coughed the umpire, clearing the frog from his throat, and your despondent correspondent trudged down to long leg, following a long line of disheartened bowlers who have been unable to penetrate R-G M's defence. How on earth could he get to the bottom of that brown, squelchy stuff in order to find out what's really in it? Maybe skip would keep him on for another over.
 

The welcome mat was laid for the much-awaited game against the prestigious Yokohama Cricket & Athletic Club, the birthplace of cricket in Japan.
At 4.30pm the day before the game they pulled out.
 
 

Ten of the Kytes made it to a hastily-arranged practice. It really was a case of men in clover with the rotten old weed spreading over the ACO, but enough room was found to stage a kind of single wicket contest with a rather peculiar scoring system which rewarded tight batting.
Everyone was given the chance to occupy the crease for a length of time and regular opener, Neil, was appropriately first in the firing line. He posted a score that withstood reckless onslaughts from Randy and Todd, a brave attempt by Takashi, some firm strikes from Ume and Anthony, a great comeback from Kevin and some steadfast crease occupation from Robert.  But the last batsman, Skip, finally edged him from top-spot, despite some underhand tactics from all concerned.
After the practice, which lasted longer than some of our games, the Men in Clover retired to Yoshida soba shop. The room at the top of the apples and pears seems to suit us even better than the downstairs tables; there's more room to stretch out. And, to cap a satisfying day's practice, the sour-faced woman at the soba shop started to chill out, and all of a sudden got really friendly and chatty. One theory is that she fancies Randy.
 
 

Garth's surfaced, somewhere in Chiba.

Robert was forced to buy a new mower, making a hole in the fines fund.

Shoko has moved from Cafe Ciccio to Trattoria Ciccio.

There's no truth in the rumour that Todd's gay.

Whatever is happening to Kev's Kids Kricket Klub?

Anton's last match resulted in a Thai.

Takashi, "Kevin, jump!"

Masako is looking as lovely as ever, Todd.
 
 

The answers:
a) By touching a raised knee with the hand.
b) Through the resemblance of 2 zeros to a pair of spectacles.
c) Between 5.5oz (156g) and 5.75oz (163g).
d) Yes
e) No
 
 

Ready, steady, think.
a) What is the umpire's signal for a short run?
b) Within 25 years, what is the year of the earliest surviving score-card?
c) What is the width of the pitch?
d) What term is directly derived from French?
e) Two bowlers have identical season's bowling figures of 28 wickets for 60 runs. In the next match one takes 4/36, and the other 1/27. Who has the better average now?
 
 

It was at about 10am that those few at the ground started to wonder. All was not quite right. Something was missing. Was it the opposition? No, they were well on their way. Was it the weekend downpour? No, there had been some heavy rain on Friday night. Was it the curry? No, the telltale steel pot was in place. It was the new lawn-mower.
As the latecomers dribbled in (it's getting to be a bad habit for some members, again), all came minus this most useful implement. The pitch was really in need of a trim, too. Without the mower the mat became a consideration, and with the soft pitch the mat became a necessity.
Fortunately the Sri Lankans were a little late, so we had just enough time to lay the mat before taking to the field, the Sri Lankans having won the toss, and electing to face first, on a sunny, dry, and still Abekawa day, 27?C.
Despite zero practice the slovenly Kytes suddenly switched on and became a team again as Todd pounded in with the first delivery. Both Kytes' openers took full advantage of the soft bounce from the mat and the first three wickets fell surprisingly cheaply. Todd clean bowled one, and Skip, shrewdly positioned by the fielding co-ordinator, pouched the second off Bruce. Indeed Bruce, in a devastating spell of 8 straight overs, ended up with 4/25, an exceptional performance.
The Paradise Islanders though were quickly learning how to deal with the mat. They started to play themselves back into the game, blocking any dangerous deliveries and latching on to anything loose, and at one point were threatening to put the game out of sight. However, despite Anton, Nick and Anthony all taking some stick the new-found Kytes' team spirit held the SLs in check. This was epitomised in an over from Nick when, after conceding a number of boundaries, Anton, Skip and the bowler conferred, no panic, just cold planning; Anton made a fine fielding adjustment and next ball Anthony was under a skied shot. For the plan to mean anything he still needed to make the catch, which he duly did, surely a candidate for a champagne moment of the season.
The Kytes were clawing their way back into the game as two batsmen played on, Francis took a well-judged catch, and Skip retrieved and Anthony broke for a run-out, but countless lbw appeals were ignored, some of them plumb as a meteorite heading for a black hole.
The SLs though were worth their runs when Anthony polished them off with a tantalising *George Michael' that bounced and rolled its way through the unfortunate batsman's defences before dislodging a bail. Tokyo Sri Lankans 193ao, 33overs.

After polluting the Abekawa with the fruits of the previous night's imbibing, Neil went out to open with Anton, who was in scarcely better shape himself. Unbelievably they were still there 10 overs later, showing some all-too-rare steely resolve. Anton was eventually out for a battling 25, and Anthony continued in similar vein. A classic cover drive from Anton, and an effortless square cut from Anthony, both of which sizzled to the boundary, were the highlights of a rather dogged struggle. At the 20-over mark the Kytes had barely reached 60 and were well off the pace.
A sterling innings from Francis gave us some brief moments of hope but no-one could stay with him. After a couple of huge 6's in a topscore of 30, Francis also departed in a bold attempt to salvage the game. The SLs had bowled unspectacularly but consistently, and their fielding was much the same. The field was cleverly balanced between attack and defence, which paid dividends with a few neat catches and kept the run-rate further and further behind the clock.
With the game out of reach it was left to Todd, with a towering 6 in a score of 20no, to give a semi-respectable appearance to the final total of 138/9, the innings being closed after the full 40 overs were faced, leaving victory to the Tokyo Sri Lankans.
Once more Kytes had fielded well, bowled mediocrely and batted poorly, and, for the second consecutive game, had been defeated by 55 runs. It's high time Skip won the toss; perhaps we might reverse the trend. MVP-Bruce.
 
 
 
 

Not another test, just a short one-day game.
Simply match each (un)quote with the Kyte most likely not to say it.

(Un)Quotes:
"I'll let you off this time"
"No"
"We're batting first"
"Good decision, Robert"
"What's the lbw rule, again?"
"Mine"
"Don't POMs make splendid cricketers?"
"This curry's not nearly spicy enough"
"Great six, Robert"
"The scorer must be wrong"
"Hoowzaaat!"
"__________"
"We don't stand a chance"

Neil - Francis - Todd - Ume - Skip - Nick

Robert - Takashi - Anton - Bruce - Everyone - Randy - Kevin
 
 
 

Following the massive postbag of mail after last issue's profile of our very own Todd, most of it from outraged women's groups, the Sky Times editor considered axing all further profiles. However a faction of the readership actually canvassed for a regular article entitled "Todd's Corner'.
After a number of sleepless nights your editor decided to take the middle path, and continue with the profiles. This issue that popular, non-controversial (I hope), upstanding member, Ume, reveals all.
????Ume, captain of the Shizuoka Mucha team for longer than we can remember, and husband of the lovely Hiroko, is a convert from baseball and is renowned for bringing many of his baseball skills to the classic sport of cricket.

Full name - Hisatsugu Umehara

Birthplace - Shizuoka City
Birthdate - 11th July 1961
Height - 170cm
Weight - 67kg
Job - Computer programmer, Fujitsu Shizuoka Engineering.
Car - Subaru Vivio BistroNewspaper - Asahi Shinbun

Favourite:
Films - The Right Stuff, Star Wars.
Actor - Meg Ryan
Actress - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Book - Short SF stories of Shinichi Hoshi.
Meal - Beef-bowl (gyudon).
Fruit - Banana
Vegetable - Green asparagus
Drink - Dark beer
Sports - Cricket, baseball, petanque.
Sportsman - Hideo Nomo
Sportswoman - Masako Chiba
CD - The Best of Takuro Yoshida.
Group - The Beatles
Musicians - Puffy

Greatness weakness - The wife.
Greatest strength - CD-Rom authoring.

Most respected quality in others - Honesty

Type of woman - Cute and clever.

Boyhood sporting hero - Shigeo Nagashima (the all-time greatest baseball player in Japan)

Most memorable sporting moment witnessed - Yamashita's judo gold medal at the Los Angeles Olympics, 1984.
Most memorable personal sporting moment - Taking part in the High School National Baseball Championships at the Koshien baseball stadium, Osaka.

Motto in life - Justice

Future dream - To produce a best-selling software.
 

It was much appreciated that Tokyo Bay were able to fulfil this re-arranged fixture. Of course it wouldn't quite have the edge of a Kanto Cup match but there was no doubting the enthusiasm and relish with which the Kytes' acting captain, Todd, and acting vice-captain, Francis approached the game. Skip, though playing, was taking a little breather, and Anton was otherwise engaged.
A sunny, though cloudy day, at 24?C, with a stiff breeze, provided good cricket conditions. A very brief, light shower went almost unnoticed and late afternoon saw the ACO bathed in sunlight.
There was a collective sigh of relief as the missing lawn-mower materialised, the culprit being club stalwart, Ume. No-one was more relieved than your investigative reporter who still had his hands full trying to get to the bottom of the mystery of the curry. The outcome was that the mat was not required.

Needless to say Captain Todd lost the toss, and Tokyo Bay chose to bat first, but the Kytes' opening bowlers of Cap and Takashi were in mean mood. Takashi, preferring his slower stuff, bowled tightly enough, but it was hard to match Todd's tightfistedness; he didn't concede a run until his 22nd delivery. The batsmen were struggling to pierce the well-placed field that Cap and v-cap had set.
Nick, at first change, was able to capitalise on this containment and took an lbw in his first over. A superb spell produced excellent figures of 4/12; Neil snapped up a very sharp chance at leg-slip (another clever fielding placement), everyone generously left a skied top-edge for Skip, and a clean bowled completed the quartet.
Meanwhile Todd had also weighed in with a wicket, inducing a dollydrop to Kevin at short mid-wicket that would have resulted in a burning at the stake (after the \100 fine) had he spilled it.
However all these outstanding performances were somewhat eclipsed by the events at the ocean end in the latter half of the innings, as Neil was almost single-handedly accounting for the rest of Tokyo Bay. Having just recovered from the previous week's skinfull, he pulled off no less than 3 caught & bowleds in a devastating one-man show. One catch was out of the top drawer as he dove forwards to scoop a very low, firm drive. These efforts resulted in a Kytes' record of 4 catches in an innings. In addition there was an lbw which crowned another 4 wicket haul.
At this stage, with the Tokyoites total on 60/9 Cap unselfishly declined to bring himself back on and rightly decided to spread the bowling duties, calling on Bizen-san and Randy, who made his bowling debut. However Toddy & St Francis appeared to overdo the charity somewhat by rescinding an appeal and recalling the last batsman after Takashi's swift pick up and direct hit had resulted in a runout.

Still, it gave our Randolph the opportunity to hone his bowling skills. After a rather inauspicious start of 2 no-balls (one where he inadvertently overstepped by a mere one and a half yards) and a wide, he settled and kept the ball straight and true. Reward came with his debut wicket as Bizen, at mid-on, did well to hold on to a tricky catch at the second attempt.
Tokyo Bay were all out for 75 from 30 overs. They had fought for every run against tight Kyte bowling, complemented by tight fielding devoid of misfields, the keeper restricting the byes to a single run.

So Kytes' target of 76 from 40 overs should have been a doddle. Cap and v-cap dreamed up a rather novel batting order that saw Robert and Neil opening. They saw off half-a-dozen overs before Neil departed for 12 which would sadly end up as the second highest score. Skip and Kev kept the total dribbling forward but the curry hit the mower when 3 wickets were suddenly lost with the score stuck on 32.
Once more it was left to Francis to attempt a rescue act, but his topscore of 25 was unsupported as the other Kytes came and went. Eventually Nick was left stranded, out of partners, as the Kytes were all out for a paltry 59 from 28 overs in a win for Tokyo Bay by 16 runs. No less than 5 ducks had been recorded by the Men in White, and Agaki-san had taken 5 wickets in an excellent game-winning effort for the Tokyoites.

The batting let us down badly once more as defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory, but Todd and Francis led the team positively and sensitively, and, after the game, were itching to give it another shot. MVP-Neil.
Tokyo Bay joined us at Yoshida soba shop as the Kytes' disappointment in defeat disappeared as quickly as the bevvies.
 
 
 
 

.....the shortest ever use of a new ball was in the Queensland v South Australia match in Brisbane, 1963/64. After 6 balls of the final over (8-ball), with South Australia needing 13 runs to win and with 2 wickets remaining, the Queensland captain, KD Mackay, called for a new ball. The match was drawn.