Military Humor

Let There Be 2600 Marines!

On the sixth day, God was putting a few finishing touches on creation when once again His peace was interrupted by the loud complaining of the Marines. "Oh Lord," they said, "We keep the hours that you have set for us, but still find dissention and strife in our midst. We know not which one of us is to turn which knob or which of us should change the light bulbs." And God said unto them, "I will make of you a number of MOS's, and called their numbers 2621, 2629, 2649, 2674, and so on. Your numbers will prefix with 26, the number which standeth for those able men of rare intellect!" Thus did God create a hatred from other Marines for His SIGINT Marines.

On the seventh day, he rested and at the twelfth hour of the day, there again arose a great noise from the square building of the 2600's and God called his Angel "The Bringer of Light" to his side and spoke unto him. "I am in the midst of creating football games and wish not to be disturbed. Go thou and tend to those Marines and their problems. And Lucifer said, "Aye, aye sir" and departed from heaven to earth.

Back to top

Priceless

cost of the Black Mercedes: more than $60,000.00

feeling of knowing not everyone can be a Marine: PRICELESS

Back to top

The Middle of the Night

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Back to top

The Differences Between the Services

A General decided to find out why the services have trouble communicating with each other so he gathered together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force.

He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" the building before them, and asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
- Tell the Sailors to:
- Unplug the coffeepots
- Turn off the computers
- Turn out the lights
- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
- Assemble the company
- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
- Take control of all exits
- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down his steps on palm of his hand:
- Assemble the platoon and supplies
- Approach the building along three axes
- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
- Assault the building under covering fire
- Sequester prisoners
- Establish lanes of fire
- Prepare artillery calls
- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
- Contact real estate agent
- Negotiate 1-year lease
- Be sure to get option to buy

Back to top

SGLI

The Gunny was assigned to the MCRD where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance.

It wasn't long before the Captain noticed that the Gunny had a 100% record for the maximum insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to the Gunny's sales pitch. He explained the basics of SGLI to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But if you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Back to top

Military - 1945 vs 1999

The Few, The Proud, The Marines

(A Story of Creation)

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom, and their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide hickeys on their necks. He also gave them sideburns and long hair. God nicknamed them “squids” and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folk would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, he called them “petty” and “commodore” instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets too large, so that they might warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests – and all sorts of shiny things that glittered – and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away in a big way)

On the 5th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver’s uniform, especially for flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the “wild blue yonder wonders.”

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. And on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the Earth and was not happy. God was not happy!

So he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this he called Marine. And these Marines, who God had created in his own image, were to be of the air and of the land and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening and dress uniforms – sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the shit out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of his labors, he had forgotten one thing; he did not have a Marine uniform for himself! But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in knowing that, well – not everybody can be a MARINE!

Back to top

A Conversation Between Marines

(This is a true story.)

LCpl: "SSgt, is Top going to be at this meeting?"

SSgt: "No - why?"

LCpl: "Because the guy intimidates the hell out of me. He is leathered, his hair never grows, he smokes 10 packs of cigarettes a day and never coughs, he's never sick, and he knows everything. There is something not human about that."

Back to top

Bootcamp Standards

Navy - Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying to figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway

Air Force - Every recruit will be trained in such a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

Back to top

At Home Submarine Simulation

Do it yourself guide to simulate submarine life at home.

1. Lock yourself in your house with 150 people you don't like.
2. Close all windows and doors tightly, close all curtains.
3. Seal any openings to the outside world with a proper vault.
4. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from news, football games, Saturday Night Live, etc.
5. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly; if not in use, log as secure.
6. If using bathroom, do not flush toilet for first two days to simulate smell of blowing sanitaries and venting inboard; then flush daily.
7. Wear only approved FBM coveralls, or proper uniform, no hats, special t-shirts, etc.
8. Get the paperboy to cut your hair once a week.
9. Work in 18-hour intervals to insure your body really gets confused.
10. Listen to the same cassette over and over until you can't stand it anymore; then put in one you can't listen to without nausea setting in.
11. Set alarm to go off just as you fall asleep; set alarm at loud setting or buy a special alarm with various settings (i.e. "Man Battle Stations", "Fire", "Flooding in the Basement").
12. Prepare food with a blindfold on to simulate what real submarine cooks do.
13. Take blindfold off and try to get dog to eat it. Then break out a can of tuna and/or peanut butter.
14. Cut your bed in thirds and enclose all but one side using the dimensions of a small casket as a reference. When not in bed make up blankets properly so no one will see or care.
15. Periodically, for want of excitement, open main power breaker and run around yelling "Reactor Scram" until you are sweating profusely; then restore power.
16. Buy a snorkel and mask and again, periodically, just for want of excitement, put them on and pretend you are in a smoke filled room with no way out. For added variety, hook up to a garden hose and pressurize.
17. To enable yourself to handle anything, constantly study wiring diagrams and operating instructions for various home appliances (stove, refrigerator, can opener). For no reason at all, at specified intervals (monthly, weekly) tear one item apart, just in case it was going to break.
18. Paint everything around you grey (Navy FSN Grey, no substitutes).
19. To be sure you are living in a clean happy environment, every Friday set alarm on loud for a short, but hated, drill sound; then get up and manned only with a bucket, sponge and greeny, clean one area over and over, even if it is already spotless. Then make out discrepancy list.
20. Once a day, after normal programming hours, plug in t.v. and watch one movie. Be careful that it is (a) at least 5 years old, (b) you have seen it at least once before or (c) so bad that you have to install a seat belt in you chair to keep you there until it is over.
21. Since there is no doctor available, stockpile band-aids, asprin and actifed. These are proven cure-alls. Practice on your dog first aid, surgery, dentistry, death, etc.
22. Set all clocks to Zulu time.
23. Set hot water temperature to 120 degrees, set timer to go on and off every 2 hours.
24. Wear the same shoes. Wear the same outer garment for 1 week at a stretch.
25. Shower and change your skivies every 2 - 4 days.
26. Start poker games at midnight.
27. Refer to Kool-Aid as "bug" and meatballs as "Nairobi trail markers".
28. Hook-up a fluorescent light under your coffee table so that you'll have a place to read.
29. Run the lawnmower in your garage with the door closed to simulate snorkeling.
30. Blacken the windows of your car, then sit behind the steering wheel for six hours at a time.
31. Hang a red sign entitled "blowing sans" on the bathroom doorknob for 45 minutes every 12 hours. Do not allow anyone to use the bathroom during this time.
32. When commencing this test simulation, lock your family, friends and everything else that means anything to you outside. Tests will run for at least 2 months with no end in sight.

Operation Order 12-98 For: Official Visit of Lieutenant General Claus

2. LtGen Claus will initially enter Bldg 302 through the front entryway. All buildings without chimneys will requisition Chimney Simulator, M6A1, for use during the visit. Request chimney simulator on Department of Navy Form 2765-1, which will be submitted in four copies to the Company Gunnery Sergeant prior to 20 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" or "Merry Christmas To All, and To All a Good Night!" This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of the Senior Enlisted Marine.

FOR THE COMMANDER (Signed)

Back to top

Murphy's Laws of Combat

• Don't look conspicuous-it draws fire.
• Never draw fire it irritates everyone around you,
• Try to look unimportant. The bad guys may be low on ammo.
• The enemy diversion you've been ignoring is the main attack.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• The important things are always simple.
• The simple things are always hard.
• The easy way is always mined.
• Suppressive fires--won't.
• Friendly fires--aren’t.
• Tracers work both ways.
• No plan survives the first contact intact.
• If it's stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
• When you're ready;
• When you're not.
• If you can't remember, then the Claymore is pointed at you.
• If you're forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
• Five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
• If your attack is going really well, you’ve walked into an ambush.
• Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
• The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
• Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
• When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
• A “sucking chest wound” is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
• If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
• Anything you do can get you shot. This is includes doing nothing.
• Never forget -- your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
• After you've secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
• The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
• Murphy was a grunt.

Your Family Might Be a Little Too Oorah if...

• Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.
• You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed tactically.
• Your children are required to clear housing before going "TAD-Excess" to college.
• You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in your car's floorboard as a part of a tune-up.
• Your minivan is equipped with blackout lights.
• Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
• Your kids use the "F" word at least five times in every sentence.
• Your kids volunteer to pull Monitor Duty on the school bus.
• Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.
• Your house has firing sector and distance sketches posted by every window.
• You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.
• Your kids show meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rats.
• You make your daughter sign out on a liberty pass on Prom Night.
• Your kindergartner calls recess "smoke break."
• Your wife "takes a knee" in the checkout line at the Food Lion.
• You do your "back to school" shopping at the U.S. Cavalry store.
• Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "Third phase drop."
• Your kids salute their grandparents.
• Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your Commander's.
• Your kids get a monthly LES for their allowance.
• Your grandmother won "Squad leader of the year."
• All your kids have names that start with 3/3,1/4, 2/6, MACS-5, etc.
• Your pickup has your name stenciled on the windshield.
• Your have ECR cards from each of your kids for their toys and other T/E equipment.
• Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry."
• Your kids recite their ABCs phonetically.
• Your wife keeps B-Rat service utensils in the China cabinet.
• Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.
• You call your in-laws "those Regimental Staff pogues."
• You and your kids sing PT cadence songs when traveling, just to pass the time....
• Your dog's name is "Recon."
• You bum "dips" from your four-year-old daughter.
• All your possessions are military issue.
• Your kids call their sandbox "The Stumps."
• You have pull-up bars outside your front door.
• Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.
• Your kids pull firewatch.
• Your newborn's first words were "Good to go Sir."
• You removed the lower branches from the trees in your yard to clear your fields of fire.
• You have an Ops calendar and a POD posted on the kitchen (CP) wall.
• The standard command when you get in the family vehicle is "Count, off!"
• You hold regular "Health and comfort" inspections of your kids' rooms.
• You refer to your property line as the Line of Departure.

Memorable Quotes actually seen in Fitness Reports