MST3k: 'True Blue part 1'

Fanfiction by: "Felipe ." 

MSTing by: Jared Waddell 
           Andy Mucha 


{Disclaimer: WE'RE SORRY! Actually, not really. We don't claim to own
any characters, scenes or concepts in this work of fiction or the work
of fiction being MSTed, except for James Rahn in all his various forms
and anything related to his storyline, 'Sidestep'. The character Goku
Son is from the series Dragon Ball Z, created by Akira Toryiama. The
character 'Adam' is from the series Neon Genesis: Evangelion, copyright
Studio Gainix, created by Heidiko Anno. The Energizer Bunny is copyright
the Energizer corporation. Once again, we're sorry.}

Authors' notes:
Think of this as a comment, not a dissing. We don't do this to stories
we hate, we do this to stories we like. It isn't easy, but it's worth
the time {especially since it isn't worth any cash :(}, being fanfiction
and all. Alternatively, it can be viewed as a superlative form of C&C.
. Anyway, feel free to comment on this work
itself.

Long Live the Cheese!

First Draft:
Begun - 2/12/00
Finished - 2/12/00

----------
Episode 1
Season 1
----------

[Somewhere unknown, late 1997.]

[Opening cut is a laboratory, often used to the point of being
inaccessible in several locations due to the volume of junk inhabiting
every corner. In one such shadowy corner, we look through the mechanical
appendages of the failed combat Ping-Pong robot as a silhouette to the
figure in the background, hunched over a table of some sort, humming to
himself.]

[There is a flash of light offscreen.]

[The figure at the desks turns to grab an instrument of some kind,
allowing us to see his face in the tightly focused worklight. James
Rahn. He is an average-looking guy with very close-cropped blond hair
and blue-gray eyes. He is wearing a black trenchcoat with a white apron
over the front. We can't see what he is working on.]

James: (humming nonchalantly)

[From the direction of the flash emerges something small... something
pink... something holding a drum 3/4 of it's size. The Energizer Bunny.
The bunny is more or less a cute, bright-pink fluffy-looking toy like
being with beedy black eyes and a large drum with the Energizer logo.]

Bunny: (always 'speaks' by beating his drum.) Dum. Dum. Dum.

James: (sees the bunny) Yo! Long time no see, dude!

Bunny: Dum-dum.

James: Late? Already? (checks watch) Oh, shit! Well, I'm at a good
stopping point. Just give me a second.

[James jumps up and pulls off the apron with a practiced movement, we
can see what looks like a robotic frog on the desk where he was working.
A model of the U.S.S. Enterprise is to one side. Other guns and such
adorn the wall as James clicks on a few more lights. He dusts his
trenchcoat off and then washes his hand in the nearby sink.]

Bunny: (taps foot impatiently) Dum. Dum-dum.

James: Of course I do, we don't want any nasty chemicals getting in our
food, right?

Bunny: Dum. Dum.

James: My food? Well, yes, but-

Bunny: Dum-dum, dum.

James: No, of course I'm not going to pull any stupid pranks, how dare
you insinuate that I-

Bunny: (clearly unhappy) DUM DUM!

James: As if. Well, we ARE going to be late.

Bunny: Dum.

James: Whatever. (stops by a cabinet) Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I have
something to give you.

Bunny: Dum... dum?

James: Oh ha, ha, it is to laugh. No, you just need some style, my
friend.

Bunny: Dum.

James: I have just the thing!

Bunny: Dum, dum. Dum?

James: (flat look) No, it's not going to explode.

[James reaches into the cabinet. While his back is turned, the bunny
checks over the place for exits. As James turns back around, the bunny
is in his original location, not a hair out of place. Behind James we
can see the whole cabinet is filled with nothing but numerous different
pairs of sunglasses.]

James: Here, these'll work great.

[James bends down and puts the sunglasses on the bunny, now he's even
more recognizable.]

Bunny: Dum.... Dum. Dum dum.

James: I thought so. (puts on his own sunglasses) Well, time to go.

[This time they are at the center of the flash of light, as it fades, so
do they.]

[The laboratory is empty.]

[For a few minutes.... Then, another flash comes.]

[James and the bunny step out.]

James: (in the middle of talking) -ever out of here. Of course I need my
friggin' ID!

[James gets his wallet. This time they leave for good.]

[Fade out.]


------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Generic Rocky Plains. Year... um, sometime in the future.]

[Open sky, blue as blue can be. First, the sounds of bird's chirping, of
insects merely flying about their ways. The screams of battle, the
sounds of explosions....]

[Goku leaps into frame as a blur, takes a few shots, then leaps out. The
camera pulls out to a distance, a streak of red fighting a streak of
blue, each with an odd golden glow about them.]

[The flash comes. James and the bunny pause for their dramatic breeze -]

Goku: KAMEHAMEHA!!!

[But have to duck to avoid having their heads taken off by a stray ki
blast. After a few seconds, the blurs resolve into a slightly tired but
still transformed Gohan and Goku, both in fighting gear.]

James: (from behind small hill, hair smoking) Hi!

Bunny: Dum!

[Goku waves over to them.]

Goku: Hi guys! Come on over!

[The bunny and James exchange a look.]

James: Er, we'd rather not at the moment...

[Goku blinks, then nods. Both him and Gohan power down.]

Goku: You better get going Gohan, you're mom'll be worried.

Gohan: Dad...

Goku: Don't worry son, I'll only be gone for a few hours. We're just
going to dinner.

Gohan: (shrugs) I'll see you at home then!

[Goku waves as Gohan flies off.]

James: (appearing behind Goku, startling him) He sure has grown. Looks a
bit like his old dad, huh?

Goku: (recovers) And how are you doing, James?

James: Same old same old.

Goku: Been a while, eh, Mr. E?

Bunny: Dum. Dum.

Goku: Well, I don't wear a watch, but now is as good a time as any.

James: Are you sure we aren't gonna be in trouble with your wife?

Goku: (thinks) Suuure, with _you_ around, James.

Goku: (outloud) Yeah, we'll be okay.

Bunny: Dum-dum?

James: Hold yer drums.

[Another flash.]


------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Antarctica, September 2000.]

[Earth. Again. A great wasteland, the deepest cold on the planet,
shrouded in... cold stuff.]

[A flash appears and three unusual figures step out of the light, taking
in their surroundings. A warm pink glow instantly engulfs the bunny.
Goku powers back up easily, the snow swirling around his aura. James
pulls the coat a little closer, the heater inside keeping him nice and
toasty.]

[The three seem to look around for a second to get their bearings, then
all look straight down. James spreads his feet out and reaches into the
depths of his coat.]

James: (yelling over the wind) Let's do it!

[The bunny and Goku take up stances to the right and left of James, now
dressed in grass skirts with face paint and drums, the epitome of South
American tribesmen in a very... well, southerly setting.]

[James pulls out a piece of cheese.]

[As Goku and the bunny start chanting mysterious tones, James raises his
hands to the sky, his voice low over the wind but with a bone-chilling
ring to it.]

James: Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow
meow meow meow meow...

[The ground around them starts to glow, the sky turning the colors of
seven sunsets under the cloud of frozen snowflakes. The chants increase
in speed and volume. A low humming starts.]

James: ARISE, MAN OF GOD!!!

[And Adam explodes from the ground in a thunderous clash, energy flowing
out like the arms of a hurricane, melting every flake of snow within
fifty miles and clearing clouds from the entire continent.]

[And he roars.]

Adam: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!

James: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!

Adam: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!

[James leaps to attack. Goku and the bunny blink for a second, already
back in their original attire. Ki blasts fly, the Lance is brought into
play, guns and bullets seem to multiply in the inferno, AT-Fields
warping all of space and time, the sheer of coolness of the bunny
bending the winds and ground to it's will.]

[After a few moments of tormenting action, it is seen that no one is
being hit by anything, even though is a lot of roaring and powering up
and testosterone overdosing and general violence going on, and maybe
even a little chest pounding, and... okay, I'll stop!]

[The four pause.]

[Goku is in mid-kamehameha, the bunny surrounding by massive boulders,
Adam protected by an AT-Field facing James, who is facing Adam in a
simple street fighter stance, but holding weapons in every conceivable
way, all pointing at Adam.]

James: Ready to go to dinner?

Adam: Sure.

[Adam drops back to normal form, about human-size with small wings
coming from his back. The Longenis Lance shrinks to normal size. He is
still glowing a little.]

Goku: You did remember our reservations, right James?

James: (best English voice) But of course.

[Unseen above, a massive gathering of the expended energy from their
'greeting' has begun to coalesce like matter about to form a black hole,
growing slowly denser as time passes.]

Bunny: Dum dum!

Adam: (gives the bunny a high-five, though I don't know how) Hey! What's
up, man?!
2
Bunny: Dum-dum.

Adam: Figures. Well, are you ready to be off, my friend?

Bunny: Dum dum, dum dum dum. Dum.

Adam: James is taking us, eh? Wants to test out his little toy? Well, he
is James.

Bunny: Dum. Dum.

Adam: Yes, I know. Well, you can just show him latter.

Bunny: (evil grin) Dum dum dum.

Goku: Alright guys, let's get going!

[The energy ball is about to reach critical mass...]

James: Say goodbye to Antarctica!

Bunny: (as the light show starts) Dum dum, dum!

James: I meant we're leaving! Not blowing up the place!

[They're gone.]

[A single fly, drawn from locations unknown is the only witness to their
leaving, and looks up, quite by chance to see...]

[... first hand what they left behind.]

[The explosion is of such power that the fly isn't exactly killed... in
fact, a pair of wings was witnessed rising 400 kilometers high in the
center of the explosion that vaporized Antarctica...]


------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Somewhere futuristic, deep space. Time unknown.]

[Another dimension-jumping flash of light.]

James: Say hello to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!

Goku: Why not just say 'we're here'?

James: (thumbing his nose) You have no sense of style.

Bunny: Dum dum.

James: Oh yes I do.

Adam: Can it.

James: (opens his mouth, then turns sharply on his heel)
Heeeeeelllooooooo.

[From her we can see the shadows of our four travelers spread across a
dull gray metal wall. James is at the head, talking animatedly with the
shadow of a giant ant we can see opposite him. The other three are
ignoring this, talking loudly among each other. James is gesturing
apologetically to the ant, not really paying attention, the pulls out a
couple of small bills and offers them to ant.]

[Pause.]

[All four of the arrivals look down to see that their host is actually a
mechanical ant. An ant-sized mechanical ant.]

[James blinks.]

[Goku blinks.]

[Adam just stares.]

[The bunny blinks behind his glasses.]

James: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[The four bolt, the giant ant shadow (and normally sized, albeit robotic
ant) following them.]

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[Doors open and close in front of them as the sprint down endless
hallways.]

James: IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!!!!

Adam: RUN YOU FOOL!!!!

Goku: THIS WAY!!!

Bunny: DUM DUM-DUM!!!

[They continue the mad chase, eventually running into a huge room with
only one exit - the way they came in. This is because the room is
perfectly spherical, about 100 meters in diameter.]

James: KEEP MOVING!!!

Adam: OUTTA MY WAY!!!

[The four... idiots run up the - er, walls of the room, circling it
several times in their panicked frenzy, dashing in front behind and
tangentially to one another at hyper-velocities as the ant makes a slow
line to a small access panel blended into the floor.]

Goku: WATCH OUT, IT'S GONNA TRY AND BLAST US!!!

[James passes the bunny, picks him up, preparing to use him as a
shield.]

Bunny: DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM!!!!

James: NO OFFENSE!!!

[The ant opens the panel, binds together a pair of wires, and the half-
shadowed light of the corridors and the room returns to normal.
Gradually the chase slows to a mere saunter, then to a calm halt. They
slowly approach the panel, crowding around it.]

James: We'll all be, it wasn't gonna suck our brains out after all.

Adam: (whacks James on the head with the Lance) That's the last time I
let you pick out our movies at the video store!

Goku: It looks like it was just fixing this wire...

James: (rubbing head) Ah, a repair bot!

Bunny: (deadpan) Dum dum.

James: Oh.

[James puts the bunny back down.]

Bunny: Dum dum dum.

Adam: Yes. If we aren't there, then where are we?

[Everyone looks at James.]

James: Heeeey. How is this my fault?!

Adam: You wanted to do the dimension-jumping.

James: (reaches for his box) Hey! It's gone!

Goku: It's been stolen!

James: More like interdimensional-cross jumping hijacked.

Adam: You just made that up, didn't you?

James: I got nothin'.

Bunny: Dum dum, dum.

Goku: Agreed. It would be wise to find out where we are.

Adam: Let's stick together.

James: So we have a greater chance of survival.

Adam: In the sense the three of us might be able to keep you from doing
something stupid.

James: Hey!

Goku: Let's go.

James: But!

Bunny: Dum dum.

James: I have been insulted!

Bunny: Dum.

James: Oh, blow me.

[The four leave, with caution, to explore their new home for now.]

[And somewhere, an evil laugh echoed down mysterious hallways. A few
seconds later, a close approximation of an evil laugh followed. Then a
voice from a tape.]

Voice: Use your diaphragm for volume.

[The laugh repeated. The second, less-skilled but respectable laugh
followed.]

[Fade out.]


------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Apparently a space-station. Time unknown.]

[The four are still taking their extra-safe tour of the space they've
been deposited on. They passed windows, seeing stars and the earth -
hope. They passed great bays of odd machinery, vast crawl spaces, VR
simulator, a gift-shop, and what looked like a cheese production
facility, though one that hadn't been used in some time. Presently, we
see them come to a four-way branch off.]

Bunny: Dum dum.

James: Say what?

Bunny: Dum dum, dum dum dum  dum dum. Dum dum dum dum dum. Dum dum-dum
dum dum dum. Dum dum-dum dum-dum du-dum. Dum dum?

James: Well...

Bunny: Dum dum dum, dum dum. Dum dum dum dum-dum. Dum dum, dum.

James: Ooooh.

Adam: Great idea! Let's split up.

[James glares at Adam for a second.]

Goku: Who takes which one.

Bunny: Dum dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, du-dum. Dum dum.

James: I'll bite.

Adam: Okay.

Goku: Sounds fine to me.

Bunny: Dum dum.

[The four each take a different corridor, nervousness clearly visible.]

Adam: (thinking) This is the way some science fiction movies start.

Bunny: (thinking) Dum dum dum dum du-dum dum. {trans: This is the way
some horror movies start.}

Goku: (thinking) Hmm, sure is dark around here.

James: (thinking) Heh, this is the way some porno movies start!

[A pipe falls from the ceiling and bounces off his head with an audible
bang. James hits the ground in Little Takahashi Devil Pose #24:
(Ouchie!)]

[The wanderings continue for several minutes, eventually to find our
heroes {to use the term loosely} moving towards roughly the same
location with no further surprises, though James did stop back at the
gift shop to look for some smokes, Goku got bored after a bit and went
to look for something to fight, and the bunny had the use the little
cute creatures room, but that was about it.]


------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene of a large room, roughly horseshoe in shape, with controls
everywhere. Six chairs are set at specific points, dividing the command-
center into different action stations. Near the front, large floor to
ceiling windows that double as monitors are showing the flying toasters
screen saver of the two outer panels, the center one clearly giving a
majestic view of earth far below, stars ringing the sky above.]

[Adam enters the room from the left portion, looking over the whole
space. He shrugs and moves up to the main screens, staring down at the
pair of touch-pad consoles that have a pair of attached seats, like a
helms station of some kind. He is trying to examine the controls for
several minutes, fingers nearly touching some of them, but cautious
enough not to touch the large red button labeled: 'SELF DESTRUCT - DO
NOT TOUCH (this means YOU, James!)']

Adam: (thinking) I wonder who placed this thing right next to the 'More
coffee' button?

[He stares at the two buttons for a second.]

Adam: (thinking) This is probably James' fault.

[Said assassin walks in from another door, trailing a cloud of noxious
vapor that might be smoke - if smoke seemed to cling to certain
individuals or devices.]

James: This bodes of bodingness.

[His trenchcoat has the collar turned up, and he is wearing his fedora -
trying to look like Humphry Bogard.]

Adam: (glances at James) And...

James: ....

James: I dunno. I just wanted to say that.

Adam: Put that out.

James: Why?

Adam: We don't need you gumming up the controls here.

[James blinks.]

James: Controls?

[Adam charges up an inverted AT-Field...]

[The bunny walks through yet another door.]

Bunny: Dum dum dum dum.

[Adam powers down instantly as James' turns to face their furried
companion.]

James: How did... E, you have some... (points at the bunny's feet, his
right foot is trailing toilet paper)

Bunny: ...

[The Bunny blushes, then removes the offending material.]

Bunny: Dum dum dum.

Adam: Yes, have you no heart?

James: I'm just trying to help!

[Goku comes in from the final door, looking like he had a run-in with a
super-powered planet-conqueror or two, or three... hundred.]

Goku: Oh, hey guys...

[He collapses into one of the chairs near the rear of the room.]

[As the other three stare, they fail to notice the center screen
activating, the huge figure with short black hair glaring down at them,
a face twenty feet tall and smiling cruelly - Ed.]

[And in the background, from one corner, is Rei, dressed in dark but
nicely casual clothing. She is adjusting some unidentifiable instrument
methodically as Ed grins his grin. After a few seconds, just when Ed is
about to scare the bejesus out of some of the universes most powerful
warriors, she looks up and sees they're on air.]

Rei: Hi, minna-san!

[James leaps ten feet into the air, then crashes to the ground in Little
Takahashi Devil Pose #12 (I am an idiot - in pain!). Adam turns to face
the screen in a dramatic fashion, looking over his shoulder first in the
super-cool manner, wind blowing in a sudden breeze. The bunny's glasses
glint in the screen's light mysteriously, and Goku just waves weakly.]

[On-screen, Ed facefaults.]

James: (prone on the floor) H-hello, Rei...

Bunny: Dum dum.

Adam: Hello, child.

[Ed turns to Rei, the screen cuts off.]

James: (recovering) What was that all about?


------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Earth, another secret laboratory {lot of these things, isn't there?}.
Time unknown, but same as above scene.]

[Ed has a box in his hand, facing Rei, who simply stares back at him.]

Ed: I said I wanted this to be a shocking, dramatic entrance.

Rei: Hai.

Ed: I said I wanted them scared out of their skins in order to make the
proper Chilling Evil Villainous Intent Speech.

Rei: Hai, you did.

Ed: And I told you all this before hand.

Rei: Hai. But you're not evil.

Ed: And - that's not the point! Think of it as a prank... yeah. Anyway,
I need to surprise them - properly.

Rei: Hai.

Ed: Then why did you interrupt!

Rei: I wanted to say hello.

Ed: ...

Rei: ...

Ed: ...

Rei: ...

Ed: ...

Rei: ...

Ed: ...

Rei: ...

Ed: (checks his watch) ...

Rei: ...

Ed: ... fine. Time for the big speech. Got it?

Rei: I know what must be done.

Ed: (looks at Rei oddly) Yes... Alright. (hits the control box)

[Back on the Legacy {you KNOW by now!}...]

James: ... if it is what I'm thinking it is, we should be careful,
there's no telling what modifications he's made. We don't want to
accidentally blow up the earth or something.

Adam: As opposed to doing it intentionally?

Goku: Hey, that wasn't me!

James: Thanks for the cover.

Adam: (pointing at James) I was talking to you!

James: Oh yeah?

Adam: Yeah!

James: Oh yeah?!

Adam: Yeah!

James: Oh yeah?!

Ed: GREETINGS.

James: You two-timing, scintillating, second-rate - hello Ed - piece
of... something really bad.

Adam: ...

James: I got nothin'.

Goku: Hello, Ed. How's Vegeta doing?!

Ed: (eyes slide around nervously) WEEEEEEELL, HE'S STILL IN THE TANK...
AND LET'S JUST SAY THAT SECTOR 214 WILL BE A QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD FOR THE
NEXT FEW BILLION YEARS. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.

James: Do you have to talk that loudly?

Ed: (thinks for a second) OKAY, I'LL TURN THE VOLUME DOWN.

[Ed fiddles with something just beneath their view on the screen.]

Ed: Better?

Adam: Quite.

Ed: I have gathered you all here, the greatest fighters of your
generation. The greatest thinkers of your generation. The most well-
known icons of your generation.... The greatest idiots of your
generation, to conduct... an experiment.

Adam: I think that would've sounded less awkward placed in a different
order.

James: And the dramatic pause didn't come at the right time.

Bunny: Dum dum, dum dum dum.

Goku: You should have also kept the description more specific so we know
who you're talking about.

Ed: SILENCE!!!

Rei: Ed-san.

Ed: (sigh) What is it, Rei?

Rei: We're almost out of broadcast time.

[Ed sweatdrops.]

Rei: The intro ran a little long.

Ed: (rubbing chin thoughtfully) Can we have Dave steal some more.

Rei: Friends will be on soon.

Ed: Can't we tape it?

Rei: Dave said the hijacked signals lose a lot of strength.

[Ed slumps his shoulders under the weight of a difficult command.]

Ed: Fine, fine. Well, now that all my dramatic tension has been -

[The four arrivals have set up a card table are engaged in a heated hand
of poker.]

[Ed frowns, then jabs a button off-screen fiercely.]

[On the Legacy, a beam shoots out of the ceiling and nails James in the
head.]

[James hits the deck in Little Takahashi Devil Pose #92 (Aiee! I have
been set aflame by the evil one!)]

Ed: Pay attention!!! I have brought you scoundrels here to read some
fanfiction. You see, the world is filled with too much violence and
chaos these days, and my network backers are getting antsy. It seems you
four are a major cause of most of this, so I've decided to solve the
problem.

[James recovers and starts watching the screen with everyone else, a
thoughtful look on his face.]

Ed: So, I decided to use the Legacy for something of good. You are to be
locked up here and reeducated using some choice fanfiction work. It will
demonstrate to you what is good, and what is bad. I believe that I have
solved previous brai - er, reeducation concepts by adding in enough
violence so that a suitable contrast is shown to the subjects. Then,
with certain positive reinforcements, the subjects will become less-
destructive {let's face it, they can't really be all that 'productive',
no matter how far you go} citizens of your respective continuums.

James: You're not going to torture us, are you?

Ed: I said a fair blend. At least I'm saving the Oscarfics for later.

James: 'Oscarfics'?

Goku: What is an 'Oscarfic'?

Adam: Huh?

Bunny: Dum-dum?

Ed: Something which you shall be adequately.... UNPREPARED FOR!!!
BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Images flash in James mind, mostly having to do with cats...]

James: AAAAAHH!!!!!

Adam: We could be in trouble here...

Ed: Well, since I'm running horribly over time, let's get this show on
the road!

Rei: Have fun everybody!

Ed: Rei...

[The screen cut out.]

James: This bodes of boddingness.

Adam: You already said that.

Goku: What is an Oscarfic?

[James walks up to Goku and starts whispering in his ear.]

Adam: Definitely a problem...

[The console in front of him starts spewing out a sheet of paper.]

Adam: A fax?

[He picks up the sheet and reads it. We can see Goku go rigid, a look of
sheer terror on face.]

Adam: (reading) 'I almost forgot to torture you verbally for a few more
seconds about your first fic, which is a good illustration of what kinds
of thoughts I DON'T want any of you having (this means you, James!).
It's called 'True Blue'. A Ranma 1/2 fic with an very interesting point
of view. Since James might enjoy it, I want some negative reinforcement
from the rest of you.'

[In the background, the bunny has caught much of what James has been
explaining and is turning progressive shades of green. Goku is starting
to power up, though for what, we don't know.]

Adam: (thinking) Negative reinforcement? This one must be a doozy. Heh,
we'll 'reinforce' something, alright. James you idiot.

[The idiot in question has finished, with a plaid bunny at his feet and
Goku fully super-sayjin, suddenly standing up.]

Goku: Such EVIL! KAMEHAME-

Adam: Don't! You'll kill us all!!!

James: DETROIT FIST!!!

[Goku slumps to the ground, rubbing the back of his neck.]

Goku: Ouch... But, I needed that. Can we go blow him up or something,
later?

Adam: (thinking) Goku is picking up James' habits? We're all doomed!

[The bunny makes a break for the lavatory.]

Adam: We'll, I think you'll enjoy this one, James?

James: I will?

Adam: No, just checking your reactions.

James: (narrows eyes) I expect that's all you'll be checking.

Adam: (faux smile) But of course.

James: (staring) Good morning, Adam.

Adam: (waves away the stare) Don't start, we-

[He is cut off by a siren suddenly blaring. The bunny - looking much
healthier - joins them.]

Adam: Uh-oh! We got fanfiction!

James: We do?

Adam: Either that or the coffee's done!

[There is a 'Ding' from somewhere. A cup of steaming hot Joe emerges
from the panel next to Adam.]

James: Cool, let me try!

Adam: No. (sips the coffee)

[A louder alarm comes on, with flashing red lights, a cover at the rear
of the room opens up, revealing a spaceship-like hatch, possibly from
the Aliens movie, possibly from Star Wars, they all look alike.]

Adam: Now, we've got fanfiction!!!

[The four race across the room, and up to the first door.]

James: I'm feeling nervous, Goku.

Goku: You may not hold my hand, James.

[Adam sips his coffee.]


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Door 7: Standard iris-type hatch with five panels, it slides open when
James swings the front of a flame-thrower across it.

Door 6: A large rock mesa, Goku blows it away with a Kamehameha.

Door 5: A white picket fence. James whips out a Tommy gun and takes it
down gansta' style.

Door 4: Laser sentry guns ring a short hallway. The bunny zips down the
hallway, beating his drum. The guns blast each other to oblivion.

Door 3: A wall of human flesh and faces from at least twenty people.
Adam extends the Lance and turns them into LCL with a single touch. The
others 'eew' at the sight.

Door 2: Heavy duty steel hatch, a little old, but very sturdy. Some C-4
is attached to it. James shouts 'clear!' and it explodes.

Door 1: Dead-end. They stop to stare for a second, then drop through the
trap door beneath their feet.

The four land in the theater in a heap of limbs, cursing and yelling at
each other for a few seconds. Then the four collect themselves and takes
up the from row, from left to right: Goku, James, Adam, Bunny.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

> I don't own Ranma and co. and I don't make money from writing any
associated
> fanfics.

James: Loser!

Adam: We aren't getting paid for this.

James: ... Just shut up.

>
> I just use them for my own pleasure.

James: Oh yeah, baby...

[Goku and Adam try to hit James at the same time, whacking each other's
arms.]

James: Heh.

[Some luscious anime babes walk up, offering some popcorn.]

>
> I'll return them when I don't need them anymore.

James: I hope he washes 'them' off when he's done with them.

Bunny: Dum dum.

[They get their popcorn, Adam pausing to read the sign floating over the
babes' heads: 'Do not touch the hologrammatic anime babes'.]

>
> TrueBlue

James: As opposed to sky-blue or off-maroon.

Adam: Isn't maroon a reddish color?

James: Shut up.

> Part One

ALL: NOOOOO!!!!!

Adam: That felt good.

Bunny: Dum dum dum.

> **********
> by: Felipe
> **********

ALL: ....

James: Well, now we know who to hurt for this.

[Goku subconsciously whacks James.]

>
> A feeling of tranquility descends upon me as I lay on my back, gazing
up
at
> the clouds, oblivious to my surroundings.

James: Sliding my sweaty palms down by flat, hard stomach, my breath
quickening...

Adam: James-no-HENTAI!!! (The Lance descends upon James)

>
> Not hearing anything. Just me and the endless blue.

Goku: ... wallpaper? Clouds?

Bunny: Dum? Dum?

Adam: Piano?

James: Pantyhose?

>
> The feeling... reminding me of one of my favorite activities in
childhood.

James: Which I could list for you on one hand.

Adam: (warning tone) Don't.

Goku: (powers up for just an instant)

> Lying face up on the floor of my father's dinghy while it drifted
carelessly
> across Nerima Park lake.

James: ... All the girls thought I was hot stuff, so it wasn't hard to
get them to come out there with me, and once alone on the water...

Adam: James...

>
> Hours I would stay like that. Sometimes until I see the sky tinged
yellow
> and red and then violet at dusk. Sometimes until I heard my mother
calling
> out to me in worry.

James: Honeeey! It's time for your 'medication'! Where are-

Goku: Shut up, James. (whacks him)

>
> I'd lie there and not respond to her calls to me. Eventually
desperation
and
> not a little fear would make its way into her voice.

James: (singing to the tune of 'In the Navy') Desperation! It can get
you laid in a flash!

Adam: (whacks James)

>
> She couldn't see me. I was lying down on the floor of the little
rowing
> boat.

James: Getting a blowjob.

Bunny: (whacks James with a chair)

[Ed's face appears on the screen long enough to yell at them.]

Ed: NO DESTROYING THE THEATER!!!

Goku: (blinks)

>
> I wanted to hear how worried she was about me.
>
> It made me feel so good, to hear the panic inside her. The fear in the
> possibility that I might've tipped over and drowned in the lake.
>
> The relief that I saw in her whenever I decided to end the little game
and
> reveal myself, safe and sound, always left me a little empty.

Adam: From not having dinner, of course.

Bunny: Dum dum - dum dum.

>
> Empty.
>
> How I'd love to drift away from all this bullshit.
>
> "...ear what I said, Kuno-Baby?"

James: Yes, I would date with thee!

Adam: (raises hand... sets it down)

>
> Suddenly I am shaken from my pleasant reverie. Looking up, I observed
> Nabiki sporting her crooked smile. Large brown eyes gazed down mocking
me.

Goku: Wait, don't I owe her money?

Bunny: Dum dum dum.

Adam: That's it boy! Just string together those sentences, no
punctuation at all!

James: Aren't you being a little harsh?

Goku: (shudders) Lack of... punctuation. This isn't that bad.

Adam: I beg to differ!

James: That's the last time I let you have coffee.

> Her face was stone cold but for a second that went too quick, I
thought I
> saw laughter, pity and not a little exasperation in them.

James: (in song, just as before) Exasperation! It can... uh,
something... something!

Adam: ...

James: I got nothin'.

Bunny: Dum dum dum.

Goku: Don't we all owe her money?

>
> Oh, how I despised the way she was looking at me right at this moment.

James: As opposed to how she lovingly held my gaze the night before, her
hands sensuously sliding over her bare -

Goku: (mild ki-blast to James)

James: (in Little Takahashi Devil Pose #24: (Ouchie!))

Bunny: Dum dum.

Adam: I agree, quite good if James wasn't trying to get himself killed
over those... comments...

>
> "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to repeat yourself Nabiki
Tendo.

James: ...ear what I said, Kuno-baby? Make me your love-slave!

Adam: (whacks James)

James: My head is starting to accumulate a rather unsettling amount of
damage.

Bunny: Dum dum, dum dum dum? {trans: Five more and you get a free
toaster?}

James: Hmmph.

> There seems to be a persistent ringing sound in my ears." I replied
> smoothly. This will get her going. "It seems that the vile Sorcerer
struck
> me from behind during our battle and has retreated from the face of my
> wrath."

Adam: The wrath of my face repeatedly scaring the uncouth flesh of his
fists, the stinging of my boken blade missing by several kilometers...

Goku: The thunder of my face slamming into the ground. The piercing
scream of my body hurtling through the atmosphere!

Bunny: (in apparent laughter) Dum dum dum!

>
> The laughter quickly turned into anger, the pity into disgust.
>
> "You still don't quite get it, do you Kuno-Baby?" Sneering, Nabiki
pulled
> out a tissue and let it flutter down to my chest. "Here, clean
yourself up
> before going to class...... you look like one of Akane's kitchen
> experiments."

James: Why? It's just a little-

[Time slows, Adam whips out the Lance in slow motion, Goku powers up
instantly, moving at the speed of light, the bunny summoning his pink
ki, the anime holo-babes bringing out heavy artillery, suddenly hard-
light holograms.]

[James is dragged off-stage by the three, Ed's face on the screen.]

Ed: (screaming) Get him good! We've got standards to uphold!!!

[The babes join in for open season on James, massive sounds of violence
follow, like a planet tearing itself apart. Repeatedly.]

>
> Ice mask in place, she abruptly turned and left.
>
> I sat up and glared venomously at her back as she entered the
> building. How I'd love to wipe that smirk clean off her smug face.
>
> My scowl vanished as soon as she was out of sight.
>
> She didn't know...
>
> The sides of my mouth curled slightly upwards.
>
> She didn't know...

[Sounds of the Lance meeting a certain skull, a kamehameha, telekinesis
in operation...]

>
> Know that...
>
> The only reason I persist on harassing her sister and Ranma...
>
> Is to get attention from her.
>
> Nabiki Tendo.
>
> Just to get her attention...

[Massive explsions, blunt objects on flesh, screams of pain, flames and
gunfire in spades. Curses galore.]

>
> I don't care about how the way she treats me.
>
> I don't care about how she looks at me...
>
> ...like I was a piece of trash.

[The sounds of violence calm down...]

>
> I don't care that she thinks I belong in a nuthouse.
>
> ...

[The trio wheels James back into the theater, rigged up in a full body
cast, under an iron lung.]

>
> Yes.

James: (raspy breath noises)

[We get the sense James is glaring at his companions, but we can't see
his eyes.]

>
> Just her attention's enough.
>
> Even if it only consisted of our 'business' deals... selling me photos
of
> Akane and the freak.

James: Freeeak. I am you're fath-

Bunny: (plugs the air hole marked 'in')

James: Gaasscrabummphed!

>
> I liked...  I loved being near her. Loved the fragrance in her hair.
Loved

Bunny: (releases air hole)

> the way she cocked her head to one side. Loved the smell of her sweat
in
the
> afternoons after school. Loved the way she licked her icecream. Loved
the
> fact that sometimes she didn't show any pantylines...

James: The daaaark side of underwear is strong my lad...

Adam: (thinking) This guy doesn't know when to quit.

Goku: (glares at James)

>
> But I couldn't let her know that.
>
> No way.

James: (rasp) I would. (rasp)

Adam: Whatever, James.

James: (rasp) I'll show you.

Bunny: Dum dum, dum.

James: (rasp) Good morning, E.

>
> Then I'd be ten times screwed over... even more so. Hehe.

James: (gasp) He-(rasp)he.

Goku: That really didn't sound good, James.

James: Eh-(gasp)-heheheh-(gasp)-eheheheh...

Adam: (looks nervously at James)

>
> Nabiki knows she has me wrapped around her little finger. She just
doesn't
> know the real reason why.
>
> I wonder what Kodachi would say if she knew?

James: (trying for the hentai angle, but out of breath)

Bunny: (finger over the air hole again in prevention)

Adam: (covertly gives the bunny the 'thumbs up' sign)

>
> Probably flay me to death.
>
> Or feed me to her pet crocodile.
>
> Her own brother considering relations with a commoner. And Nabiki
Tendo of
> all people.

James: (gasp! cough!) And with many other 'commoner' girls as well...

Adam: (thinking) I wonder if this guy's related to that old freak...

>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> But to hell with Kodachi.
>
> To hell with Akane.
>
> And to hell with that goddamned freak, Ranma.

James: But then he'd have twice the fun!

Others: ...

James: (rasp) What?

>
> "Nabiki, you're mine..." Shit, I can't believe I said that out loud.
>
> Better get to class.

James: It's time to get laid.

Adam: (lifts Lance half-heartedly)

>
> *****************************************

Goku: Ahh, a sky full of stars!

Bunny: Dum dum dum? {trans: Aren't Dragonballs filled with stars?}

Goku: (thinks for a second) That's right!

Goku: ...

Goku: He has enough for all seven and them some.

James: Aren't you guys pushing it for jokes?

Goku: (grabs a few stars and throws them at James)

Adam: (grabs some others and makes a set of Dragonballs) Who said
anything about joking.

>
> "Welcome home master Kuno."
>
> I glanced at Sasuke and immediately knew something was wrong. "Where's
> Kodachi."

James: Taking in at a glance, his torn clothing, the bite and nail marks
across his manly chest...

Adam: (whacks the iron lung)

James: HA! I am invincible!!!

Goku: (removes iron lung)

James: (still in body cast) Uh-oh.

>
> "Master I... the mistress did not go to school today. When I returned
from
> my morning errands, I saw her briefly before she locked herself in her
> quarters. She was extremely agitated."

Adam: Which is saying what? That she was well washed and ready to be
dried?

James: Correction, Adam, it should be 'well shagged' and-

Goku: (taps James' forehead)

James: Ow. Quit it.

>
> No, not again.
>
> "I will handle it."
>
> "Very good master." Sasuke murmured before he melted silently into the
deep
> shadows that seemed to be eternally present in our household.

Goku: That's why he keeps out of the sun...

Adam: Wha...?

James: Ack! Curse the light!!!

>
> I strode purposefully towards my sibling's room, knowing exactly what
had
> taken place.

James: The vibra-

Adam: (Lance at James' throat) This is NOT a lemon!

>
> I just hope she hadn't suffocated on her own vomit.
>
> But why should I bother? Why should I bother to keep saving someone
from
> themself? She insisted on travelling down that path to self
destruction.

[Three sets of eyes swivel to James...]

James: (shrugging off cast, beaten, but almost good as new) Huh? What'd
I miss?

[They shrug at James' lack of understanding.]

>
> As I approached her doorway, I heard faint mumbling and a slight
giggle. I
> let go of the breath that I didn't notice I was holding in.

James: Time to get down to bus-

Adam: (The Lance descends upon James)

>
> Surprisingly the door was ajar.

Goku: As opposed to actually being a door?

James: Heh... hehe. Pretty good, Goku. It seems you haven't yet had your
sense of humor beaten out of you.

Goku: At least I haven't had my morals beaten out of me.

Adam: Oooooooh.

Bunny: Dum duuuuum.

James: (grinding teeth)

>
> I opened it and stepped inside with a heavy heart, knowing exactly
what I
> would see because I had seen it at least a dozen times before.

James: Kodachi, in various states of undress...

Adam: (Lance...)

>
> Kodachi lay in a pool of her own vomit, piss and shit. A syringe was
stuck
> into the main artery of her left arm. A trickle of blood wound its way
down
> from her neck, where she unsuccessfully attempted to shoot the hammer
into
> the artery there.

[Popcorn consumption rates increase. The anime babes come by for
refills.]

Goku: Nice service.

>
> Out of her wits, she was foaming at the mouth, mumbling nonsense about
her
> love, Ranma.
>
> I shuddered when I saw that her eyes were completely white, her pupils
> rolled back into her head.

James: (idly munching on some popcorn) I wonder why those holograms
allow your hands to move through them sometimes, but they can handle
weapons of mass destruction without any problem?

[A mini-nuke descends upon James.]

>
> Even worse was the ecstatic expression that was on her face.

Adam: (looking at the crater) I would assume they can switch from normal
to hard-light mode as necessary, allowing them to affect the physical
world as normal people one minute, and vespers the next.

>
> The stench was incredible. It hung oppressively around the room like a
mist.
> It was cloying. I felt in my pores.

Bunny: (songish) Dum dum dum.

James: So, it was you!

>
> Overwhelming.
>
> A red film rapidly filled my eyesight.

Goku: Bad contacts?

James: Bad liquor?

Adam: Berzerker?

Bunny: ....

James: I got nothin'.

>
> Miserable bitch.
>
> Fucking whore.
>
> "YOU MISERABLE BITCH!"

James: Pulling out my Glocks, I leveled the sights at her head, pushing
the sounds of her sweet, sweet laughter into the back of my mind. Just a
target... just a target.

Adam: .... That was... actually pretty good, James.

James: Thank you.

>
> Before I knew it, I found my hands around my sister's slender neck,
> squeezing furiously. My spittle landed on her pretty face as I
continued
> screaming words at her that I didn't hear.

James: He's going... going... gone!

Adam: Sold, to the madman with a wooden sword!

>
> To my amazement, Kodachi eyes snapped open and she slowly smiled. Such
> happiness radiated from that smile that it cut abruptly through my
blind
> rage.

Goku: He's going super-sayjin.

James: (sagely voice) Let nothing distract you from your target, boy.

Adam: Training assassins again, James?

James: (slyly) Maybe. You want a discount?

Adam: Not interested. You just train them to what, kill, rape, pillage?

James: Sort of. Are you asking for a refresher course?

Adam: .... Outside, after the fic.

>
> I stopped squeezing.

James: Then, after a moments consideration, I resumed squeezing her
luscious bosom, her soft, tender-

Goku: (ki blast to the Bunny)

Bunny: (reflects with four times the power)

James: (assumes Little Takashi Devil Pose #4 (.... ow....))

>
> My sister's smile was beautiful. More beautiful than Akane's, Ranma's.
>
> Maybe even more beautiful than Nabiki's.

James: Except after we-

Adam: JAMES!

>
> So entranced was I, that I almost didn't notice her babbling on
> hysterically.

Bunny: Dum dum, dum dum dum dum dum, dum dum. {trans: Actually I did,
but I wasn't really paying attention.}

>
> "Tatewaki! Ranma he... I saw Ranma! He adores me! Oh Ranma, I love
you! I
> know you love me! I KNOW YOU LOVE ME!"

James: (gets an idea) Say... Adam.

Adam: Say... James.

James: You still have them Dragonballs?

Adam: Yes....

James: Where?

Adam: (poorly acting, blinks) I... don't know?

James: Don't use that Shatner voice with me!

Goku: Why do you want them, James?

James: (starts the smile slowly)

Goku: (raises an eyebrow) Nevermind.

Bunny: Dum dum dum... dum. {trans: The holo-babes... you know.}

Goku: Ooooooh. That's sick!

Adam: This is James we're talking about.

James: Deja-vu!

>
> I spoke with as much gentleness and kindness that I could stomach.
"Yes
> Ko-chan. I love you. I always have. Nothing will take you away from
me.
> Nothing will take me away from you."

James: Nor will you take me from my many... other... loves...

Adam: (whacks James)

James: Hey!

Adam: (offhand) It was weird enough for me.

>
> Eyes shimmering with unshed tears, Kodachi lay there looking at me
with
> utter joy.

James: I-

Goku: (full super-sayjin) KAMEHAMEHA!!!

Adam: (glowing, full-sized Lance)

Bunny: (glowing pink, dark energy flowing around the sunglasses into his
eyes...)

....

James: (Little Takahashi Devil Pose #17 ())

>
> I could not help but to offer a smile back.
>
> She reached for me.
>
> Ignoring the filth around us, I laid down beside her among the vomit
and
the
> piss and the shit. I cupped her cheek and tenderly placed my lips upon
hers.

Goku: I feel at a loss.

Adam: That's because you haven't seen what suffering these humans
endure.

Goku: I always thought I did...

Adam: The day you do, you will act like James, or stop fighting.

Goku: (recoils in horror)

Adam: (sweatdropping) Well, minus most of the hentai stuff.

Goku: Whew!

Bunny: Dum dum.

Adam: A time long before you were created, my friend...

>
> The kiss deepened as she began slowly stroking my chest.
>
> "Oh Ranma..."
>
> "I love you Nabiki."
>
> End Part One.

Adam: OH MY GOD, PART ONE'S OVER?!!

Goku: (gasp) SUDDEN SCENE CHANGE?!!

Adam&Goku: YOU BASTARD!!!

Bunny: (puts down the drumsticks long enough to put his cute, sunglass-
clad face in his hands)

>
> *****************************************

Goku: The stars, so infinite... so... so..

Adam: (thinking) I could make another set of Dragonballs with those...

Bunny: (thinking) I could use these in a new weapon to keep James at
bay. Nice of our friend to supply them to us.

>
> Please reply privately unless otherwise necessary.

[Ed's smiling face appears for a second.]

Ed: NO! We have national coverage! BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

>
> Encouragement, discouragement, C+C, flames, death threats, I don't
care...
> just keep them coming.

Goku: Um... can we do all that?

Adam: We're almost out of time, can we?

Bunny: Dum dum dum, dum dum.

Adam: (looking at James) We'll push him out of an airlock later.

>
> Remember, my excuses are:

James: (poping up) You are an idiot. You smell bad. Your IQ rivals that
of an eggbeater. You own no good clothes... you... um...

Adam: (taps James on the shoulder) We're supposed to be encouraging him.

James: And still, I got nothin'.

> 1. This is my first fic.

ALL: GASP!

> 2. I don't speak English at home.

ALL: ... (CHEER!!!)

> 3. I've got no pre-readers.

James: Um, sorry?

Adam: (phh)

>
> Send it all to:
> Felipe 

James: All the hookers, all the time!

Goku: (blasts James) I could get to like this.

>
> Stay tuned.     Let's see how fucked in the head Kuno really is.

James: Well, technically speaking, he didn't get fu-

Adam: (Raiden-like voice) ENOUGH!


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Door 1: The four mill around for a bit. A giant vacuum-cleaner sucks
them up and deposits them in the ceiling of the dead-end room.

Door 2: They step through the mess of flaming, distorted metal just
before it pulls a T-1000, fully reforming the door.

Door 3: They walk through the open portal, the LCL reforming humans
behind them. The bunny turns a little green.

Door 4: They dodge the newly repaired sentry guns.

Door 5: The fence has been repaired. The all jump it easily, the bunny
just flies over.

Door 6: They jump over the hold, the lava shoots up from the ground,
reforming the mesa.

Door 7: They go right through the hatch, which closes just behind them
ominously.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Control center, little satellite Legacy. Time unknown.]

[Ed is already on the screen, finishing off his popcorn.]

Ed: Well, boys, how did you like the fic?

Bunny: Dum dum. Dum dum dum.

Adam: I concur. Excellent. Good angle. Not for the faint of heart
(glances at James) - or the hentai at heart.

James: You're just grumpy 'cause you haven't gotten any lately.

Goku: (turns red) Um, not bad.

Ed: And James, what was with you touching the hologrammatic anime babes?

James: I am just a curious child, Ed.

Ed: Adam, analysis?

Adam: He's worse. This'll take some time. Hell, did you even read that
thing all the way through before you sent it?!

Ed: I skimmed it over. Rei said it was okay.

James: And she was right!

Rei: Thanks, James.

James: (waves)

Ed: (frowns) It had it's good points.

James: C'mon, it was all good.

Adam: That is merely because of the sexual innuendo you picked up on.

James: I can't help it if the author has a shining sense of style.

Ed: (sigh) I can see we have a ways to go.

James: And coffee to brew. Did Rei use the good stuff?

Rei: Of course, James.

James: Thanks, kiddo.

Ed: (frowning deeper, then assumes Mysterious Gendo Pose #3 (I've got
something up my sleeve...)) Well, the tops are reviewing this work of
yours, we'll have word down shortly of your performance. But don't
expect things to stop here, we still have a lot of work to do.

James: Why does that sound like a bad thing?

Adam: Because, James. It is good.

James: So?

Goku: (whacks James)

Adam: And that comment, James...

Bunny: Dum, dum dum dum.

Ed: I'll leave you for a while, but remember, tomorrow, same time, same
place!

Rei: Sayonara, minna-san!

Ed: Rei, we need to talk.

[The screen clicks off.]

Bunny: Dum dum, dum dum dum. {trans: Well, after we take care of James,
it's time to catch some Zs.}

Goku: And dinner.

Adam: But James first. About that comment on me 'not gettin' any'...

James: Well, since you all tragically lack any and all forms of
constructive humor...

Adam: Get 'em.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ed's base. Time: Five minutes after show ending.]

[Ed's in a Gendo pose behind his 'command desk'. Rei is sitting opposite
in her darkened clothing, handing over a slim folder - a report of some
kind. Ed is still talking.]

Ed: Any interference?

Rei: None that could cause problems, sir.

Ed: And the rest?

Rei: Listed in the report, sir.

Ed: Good. Everything is as it... well, no. Rei?

Rei: Sir?

Ed: About your behavior...

Rei: What do you mean, sir?

Ed: Rahn. Them, the whole project. I hired you because of a disturbing
lack of caring about the whole project and ease of dealing with these
kinds of people.

Rei: Hai, sir?

Ed: You've done an excellent job thus far, but I must ask. What is with
the attitude on your greetings?

Rei: That is how normal people would interact, sir.

Ed: These ruffians are hardly 'normal people'. And neither are we, for
that matter. Playing a pure and nice Ms. Goody Two shoes will let them
get their teeth into you. I cannot allow that.

Rei: Understood, sir.

Ed: Not quite. You are aware of what you're doing?

Rei: Hai, sir.

Ed: Can you explain yourself?

Rei: While they see my appearance as one of limited knowledge and
awareness, I fully understand what they are capable of. They see me
negligent in my duties.

Ed: Ah, and as you are doing no such thing, they will be unprepared for
your dedication to the project.

Rei: Hai, sir.

Ed: Excellent.

[Fade out.]


------------------------------------------------------------------------

End of Episode 1.

Authors' notes: We're in trouble now! If you want to reach us, either
email us or look for a large crowd with torches and crosses and nails,
and...

Well, you get the idea.

This thing was spawnned from innumerable sources, most of them being the
lack of time we've spent actually doing anything productive, and a
lingering need to turn things on their heads without page after page of
senseless slaughter.

'Sides, it was about time we seriously MSTed something. After thoroughly
looking over our own fics, we've come to learn a bit more about the
English language and all it's little quirks.

Send while on the subject of quirks, there are four major points here
that have meanings with meanings. If you can find these four sayings and
show them to us, then you get a listing at the end of the next episode
under the Sidestep hall of fame. Why? Well, Sidestep is a very complex
work (far more complicated than us two dunces have yet to realize), so
sometimes we miss a lot of important stuff, stuff that we need to know.

And hey, looking for things this obscure can always help the aspiring
author.

Lastly, we look to make it clear that this isn't done to make fun of
fics. For starters, I'm not even sure our writing it adequately spell-
checked. It's basically fanfiction on fanfiction.

From a couple of crazy fanfic authors!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue:
[Jared and Andy are seen running down a cobblestone street, both quickly
running out of breath. A hoard of people with pitchforks and the works,
intent of lynching the pair of dodo-brains are close behind, screaming
all kinds of curses related to this episode.]

Jared: We are FUCKED now!

Andy: No SHIT, Sherlock!

Jared: (glances over shoulder) My God! What are they going to do with
us?!

Andy: (glances over shoulder) They're shouting nasty things at us!

Horade: Nasty things! Nasty things!

Jared: Are they calling us nasty?

Andy: Probably.

Jared: Are they going to crucify us?

Andy: Probably.

[Adam appears of thin air, levitating over them.]

Adam: No, they're probably just going to tie you up on a cross and stick
a spear through your chests.

Jared: Oooh.

Jared: WHAT?!

Andy: Yep, we're dead meat!

Adam: Indeed. Ciao! (vanishes)

Jared: He killed us, you bastard!!!

Andy: Where can we go?!

Jared: Quick, into that Sarlac pit!

Andy: WHAT?!

[They continue running into the sunset, occasionally stopping at parked
cars as quickly as possible, checking for unlocked doors.]

----------

This has been an Insanity Productions production.





Episode 2 Trailer:
More insanity!
'I'm with stupid' t-shirt!
For instant fun, just add Jusenkyo!
Anti-hentai devices!
Rei Ayanami!
Use of Legacy weapons for fun and profit!
And maybe even a fanfic!

    Source: geocities.com/rick_spiff/txt

               ( geocities.com/rick_spiff)