Your Winter
The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry, but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If you only know how much I love you, love you
Chorus
I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here
The old picture on the shelf
Well it's been there for a while
A frozen image of ourselves
We are acting like a child
Innocent and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while
You read my eyes just like your diary,
oh remember, please remember
Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself, don't wanna hurt you
Why do you chew your pain?
If you only knew how much I love you
I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here
Pacey sighed, re-reading the paragraph in Odysseus for the fourth time. The words still wouldn't sink in. With a frustrated grunt, he snapped the book closed and pushed his chair away from the table in his kitchen. His eyes fell on Joey for a moment, and he stood up and turned away, moving to the refrigerator. "You thirsty?" He asked, his eyes scanning over the contents of the fridge.
She shook her head, her brown hair shielding her face as she poured over her AP Biology book. "No, that's okay. I'm fine."
He frowned and shut the door. He sighed deeply and gazed out the window tiredly. "It's really coming down now," he commented, watching the large snowflakes fall heavily to the ground.
Joey turned away from her book to gaze out the window and smiled. "Yeah, it's beautiful. It looks like someone shook a snow globe."
"Right now it does. Give it a few days and it'll all be dirt and slush." He frowned at his own cynicism. "When's the last time we had snow in March?"
Her eyes clouded slightly and she turned back to her book. "I'm not really sure," she lied.
"Doesn't surprise me," he muttered under his breath, bracing his arms on the counter he stared unseeing out the window.
She looked up from her book. "What's that supposed to mean?"
His shoulders stiffened, "I didn't say anything."
She raised an eyebrow. "So I'm hearing things?"
"Must be." He replied, keeping his back to her.
She pursed her lips together and said nothing before returning to her book.
"I should call Gretchen. See if she can get home okay." He moved around the table to the phone.
"Dawson will probably give her a ride," Joey said flipping the page.
"Of course. Dawson." He said sarcastically, "Why aren't I surprised you thought of that."
She sighed tiredly and shut her book, turning to him. "Okay, what's wrong?"
"Wrong? Nothing's wrong. Why would anything be wrong?"
She looked at him plaintively. "Don't lie to me, Pacey. There's obviously something bothering you."
He whirled around to face her, his face dubious. "Me? Lie?" His eyes were wide in disbelief. "I don't lie, Potter." He pinned her with his cold gaze, "That's your specialty."
She shrunk back in her seat a bit surprised by his outburst. She blinked a few times unable to deal with the dark look in his eyes and it all clicked into place. "You know," she stated softly. He knew. Somehow he found out that she had lied to Dawson and jumped to all the wrong conclusions.
"Funny. Weren't those the exact words you said to Dawson when he found out about us?" He said, his tone anything but amused.
The corners of her mouth turned down in a frown. "I can explain."
"Really?" he gave her a hard look, "Which part? The part where you lie to me, or the part where you lie to him? Or hey, how about the part where you ask Gretchen to lie to us both?"
She winced a little under the stinging accusations. "I was going to tell you both," she said weakly.
"When, Jo? It's been almost three weeks, and hey, you haven't breathed a word to me about it. Were you waiting until after we broke up? Or was it going to be after Dawson and Gretchen broke up? 'Cause wouldn't that be convenient. You could go from me to him and not have to deal with any kind of transition period."
She shook her head vehemently. "That's not true."
He shook his head, his eyes narrow, "Sorry, Potter. But I have a hard time believing anything you say right now."
Her jaw fell open in shock and she blinked back tears. "Pacey, you have to believe me."
"Go ahead, Jo." He frowned, his eyes softened, the anger fading away only to reveal deep hurt. "Explain, I've got nothing left to lose."
She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "When we got back from the ski trip I went out by myself later that night to clear my head and I ran into Dawson at the movie theater. It just felt weird doing the whole "Hi and bye" thing, especially since I was feeling guilty for not being there for him because of Mr. Brooks. So we hung out for a little while and it was fun. It was like nothing had changed and we were fifteen again and there wasn't this big cloud hanging over our head about how much had changed and why we probably shouldn't be friends in the first place.
"Then before we went our separate ways he asked me and I couldn't tell him the truth. Things were going so well and I didn't want to ruin it. I mean, Dawson is okay with the idea of us but I knew the idea that we were actually perfecting pieces of the kama sutra wouldn't go over well. So I told him how couple of years ago the idea of us sleeping together was preposterous and then he had this look on his face; and I just I couldn't tell him. "
He didn't say anything for a few moments, he just stared at her, his lips pursed and his eyes cloaked. "So it's okay to hurt me as long as it's in the name of sparing Dawson's feelings." He finally said. "It's a running theme in our relationship, isn't it?"
"No," she shook her head brushing her tears away from her face with the back of her hand. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"At least that's a relief." He threw up his hands and turned away, "You didn't *mean* to."
"I'm sorry. I should have told him. I'll tell him," she said quietly.
He shook his head slowly from side to side, his voice hollow to his own ears. "No, don't bother."
She gazed at him helplessly not bothering to wipe her tears. "What do you want me to do? How do I fix this?"
He swallowed thickly, "Maybe it's not fixable."
"No," she shook her head fiercely. "You can't mean that."
He turned back around to her, his face pained. "What else can we do? There's something wrong here. Maybe there always has been and I've just been to blind to see it."
Her heart nearly broke at the look on his face. "I love you, Pacey. I love you so much and we can get past this."
He frowned, his brow furrowed in anguish. "Love hasn't been enough."
"It is," she said in fierce denial. "We'll get past this and everything will be okay. It has to be."
"Why? Because you say so? You can't just command that things fix themselves." He swallowed, "I can't just forget that I've taken a backseat to Dawson yet again. And you can't just stop putting Dawson first if that's what you truly want."
"I don't want Dawson, Pacey. I want you."
"I don't..." He started, then changed his mind. "Where's the proof of that, Joey? How am I supposed to believe that."
She looked at him sadly. "How can you not?"
"There's plenty evidence to the contrary."
"I spent three months on a boat with you, Pacey. I love you. God, I slept with you. How can you think--how can you even believe that I don't want you and that I don't want to be with you?"
"Because, Jo." He sniffed, "This isn't working. If it was really what we both wanted, this wouldn't have happened. You would have been honest with me."
"Pacey, I'm sorry," she pleaded, crying openly now. "I made a mistake."
He bit his lip, aching as the tears ran down her cheeks. He wanted nothing more than to comfort her, he had to restrain himself from doing so. "I think we both did." He whispered brokenly.
"Pacey, honey, please. You don't mean that."
He stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked down, unable to actually voice the words.
She gaped at him wordlessly tears streaming down her face and into her open mouth.
He cleared his throat, "Maybe-maybe you should go?"
"You can't do this to me. I love you, dammit! You can't let this be the end of us. You can't just give up. After all we've been through, after all of this. You're just going to¼" She stopped herself biting down on her lower lip. She wiped at her eyes fervently. "I'm just wasting my breath here, right? You couldn’t care less." She stood up and began to gather her books throwing them into her bag.
"No," he shook his head and moved toward her. "No, I care too much. That's why..."
She turned to look at him closing up her backpack. "That's why you're breaking up with me," she finished for him bitterly.
He frowned, the actual words sending a stab through his heart. He cleared his throat and turned away slightly, "Yeah. Pretty much."
She shut her eyes for a moment letting it sink in, tears spilling down her cheeks. God, it hurt. Fuck, it hurt so bad. She stepped closer to him, reaching out her hand touch his face, making it as far as feeling the warmth coming off his skin under her fingertips before dropping her hand back to its side. "Goodbye, Pacey." She spoke softly, resignedly and quickly fled.
His eyes fell closed as she neared and didn't open again until she'd gone. He took a shaky breath, and opened his eyes to see the snow falling ceaselessly outside the window. He swallowed passed the lump in his throat, "Bye, Potter," he whispered the first tear falling down his cheek.
Joey sniffled brushing her hair away from her face and she trudged through the snow to her truck. She pulled the driver's side door open and tossed her book bag onto the passenger's side before climbing into the driver's seat and slamming the door shut behind her. She clutched the steering wheel tightly, wrenching a hand away to wipe her cheeks. She stared out the windshield in front of her unseeingly watching each snowflake meet its death on the hood of her car. It was over and try as she might to wrap her mind around the concept it was still hard to comprehend. It was over. She lowered head, resting it against the steering wheel and began to sob.
After her tears had subsided and the cold began to seep into the car, wind rattling against the sides. She sniffled and pulled the keys out of her pocket, sliding it into the ignition. She turned it. Nothing. She tried again and pumped down on the gas pedal like Pacey had told her. Still nothing. She repeated the process a number of times before cursing loudly and threw her hands against the steering wheel.
"Fuck," she cried as she hit her thumb too hard and she brought it up to her face to examine it. She sighed dropping her hands as the throbbing began to subside and glanced out the windows. It was too bad for her to walk. There was no way she'd make it home. She glanced out at the house in front of her dejectedly. She'd have to go back inside and call Bessie. See, this was why she needed a cell phone. She counted to five and tried starting the truck one last time before pulling the key out, sliding it back into her pocket. Look like she had no other choice. She climbed out of the car sullenly and slammed the door shut behind her before trudging her way back.
He was still standing in the same spot she left him. He staring straight ahead of him at a blank spot on the wall, as though it held on the explanations for what had just happened. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the idea of living without her, that it was over. He couldn't comprehend how after over a year of loving her, he was just supposed to stop.
And he'd thought the lie had hurt. It was nothing compared to the empty ache he felt searing through his body now. It hurt to much for even tears. It took a few minutes for the knocking on the door to penetrate his daze. How long had he been standing there?
He moved numbly to answer it.
The cold wind stung her cheeks, leaving them a biting red and she folded her arms across her chest in an effort to block out the cold. Snowflakes clung to her hair and clothes; and she exhaled a shaky breath. If he didn't open the door, soon all those years of calling her Ice Queen would have some merit. The door swung open and she didn't bother to look up at him instead choosing to keep her steady gaze on his chest. "T-The truck won't start. I need to call Bessie."
He nodded, and stepped aside to let her enter. "You know where the phone is." He gestured tiredly towards the kitchen.
She nodded and said nothing walking past him to use the phone. It was hard to imagine that just hours ago, she was actually happy to be here, alone with her boyfriend and now she couldn't wait to leave and she no longer had a boyfriend. She frowned picking up the phone and contemplated calling Dawson just to be spiteful. She sighed and instead dialed home. She hung up. That was completely useless. She had the truck. There was no way Bessie could come get her. She might actually have to really call Dawson.
Pacey returned, standing behind her. He quietly draped a woolen blanket across the shoulders of her coat.
She looked up at him thankfully before dropping her gaze back to the phone. Why did he have to go and do stuff like that? Why couldn't he just be a jerk so she could stay angry and not end up embarrassing herself by bawling like a baby? "Um, I have the truck. Bessie can't come and get me."
"You want me to go and look at it?" he offered, moving towards his coat draped over the back of one of the chairs.
She nodded her eyes unwittingly traveling to watch the heavy snow falling out the window. "Yeah...It'd be best. The sooner I get out of here the better."
He slipped his coat on and held out his hand for the keys, "I am sorry, Jo."
She drew her lips together in a tight line and pulled the keys out of her pocket, handing them to him. "Don't be sorry, just um, fix the car." She smiled weakly.
"I'll try. I'm not exactly a mechanic." He told her, trying to act somewhat normal. He looked over his shoulder once before dissapearing out into the snow storm.
She walked over to the window and pressed her hand against the cold glass. Her brown eyes tried to search him out through the whirling snow. It was getting worse and she could barely make out the shape of the truck through the blinding white. She bit her lip; if he couldn't get the truck started, she might be stuck there. She pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders and shut her eyes, making a silent plea for the truck to start.
Her thoughts were interuppted by the harsh ringing of the phone.
With one last longing look out the window, Joey dropped her hand and walked toward the kitchen and the ringing phone. She picked it up on the third ring. "Hello?"
"Hey, Joey?" Gretchen's cheerful voice came through the phone. "Where's Pacey?"
Joey held the phone to her ear and cast a glance outside the window. "He's outside. I'm having car trouble."
"You've got more than car trouble. Have you been listening to the weather report?"
She shook her head. "No. I haven't. Why?"
"The storm isn't letting up until tomorrow and all the roads are closed. That's why I called, I'm not coming home tonight." She answered.
Joey's face fell as her last vestige of hope left her. "Oh."
"Tell him for me. And don't molest my brother just because you guys are unsupervised for the night."
Joey turned away from the window. "Oh, I don't think that's going to be a problem."
"Hello, Joey? This is my brother we're talking about. He's going to be all over you."
She shut her eyes for a moment and wiped her cheeks. Gretchen's words rubbing salt in the fresh wounds. She laughed uncomfortably. "Yeah, um, I wouldn't worry about it."
"On your period?" she guessed, "Don't be so sure that's gonna stop him."
She swallowed and glanced back outside the window. "Gretchen, I should go. There's no point in fixing the truck if I can't go anywhere, right?"
"Yeah." She agreed, "Make sure Pacey gets out candles and some extra blankets in case the power goes out."
"Will do."
"Okay then, bye Joey."
"Bye Gretchen." She hung up the phone, her eyes falling to the window again. It was getting darker now and it looked like she'd be stuck here until the snow let up. She sniffled and wiped her cheeks quickly trying to compose herself before she went out and spoke to Pacey.
Pacey squinted through the snow as he looked down into the hood of the truck, not really knowing what he was looking for. The oil level was fine, but beyond that, he didn't really know what else to do. But standing out there, despite the cold, was preferable to going back inside and telling her she was stranded.
She placed a hand on his shoulder, clutching her coat closed at the neck. The wind whipping her hair hair across her face. "Don't bother. I can't go anywhere anyway. The roads are closed."
He turned his face to look at her, the wind stealing the words from her lips before he could hear them. "What?"
She leaned closer to him and yelled to be heard above the wind. "I said don't bother! I'm stuck here! The roads are closed!"
"Oh," He frowned and began releasing the hood. "Great." Closing it securely, he started back to the house with her close behind.
She kept her head down, the cold stinging her eyes. She released a breath of relief when they finally made it back inside. "Gretchen called. She said she's not going to be able to come home tonight."
He sighed, "Then, I guess you can take her bed."
She nodded wrapping her arms around herself. "Okay."
He shifted his weight uncomfortably, "Um, make yourself at home."
She frowned and turned away from him glancing around the living room instead. "Gretchen said to make sure you have candles. The power might go out."
"Okay," he headed for the kitchen and began rifling through the drawers, pulling out a few candle sticks and holders as he did so. The awkwardness was palpable.
She nodded looking around as she rubbed her arms in an attempt to warm herself up. "And get some blankets."
He nodded, and headed for the closet, pulling out a down comforter and two quilts. He set them on the couch and turned to face her. "So, what are we gonna do, Joey?"
"Hope that the snow stops soon and the power doesn't go out."
"Right," He frowned down at this hands. "But beyond that...usually, after a break up, the two parties go their seperate ways. We can't exactly do that right now. So, is there any way to make this horrediously awkward time any easier?"
"Right now let's just worry about the snow and a might happen power outage."
"Okay," he turned away and dissapeared into Gretchen's room to get more candles. He reappeared moments later and set two on the coffee table, then left to deposite one in the bathroom. "Should we light them now or wait?"
She shook her head brushing her hair behind her ear. "We should save them. If the power does go out who knows for how long?"
"You cold?"
She shrugged. "I'm fine."
"Okay," he said dumbly, sitting down on the couch.
Joey sighed and glanced back out the window not able to see the truck anymore. She wished she'd thought to bring her bag in with her. She could've at least gotten some work done since she was stuck here.
He glanced over at her ever few moments and then back at the blank TV in front of him. It seemed sureal that they weren't together. It had been nearly a year since he had felt this awkward around her. He knew, though, that there wasn't any other way.
She reluctantly sat down on the far end of the couch, crossing her arms in front of her chest to stay warm. She stared ahead and kept her mind blank, trying her best not to cry. She really should have just called Dawson when she had the chance. It ached too much to be here, to have him so close but not be able to touch him. She blinked back fresh tears.
Pacey tapped his foot against the ground repeatedly. Finally, he just reached forward and grabbed the remote, clicking the television on. He flipped a few channels until he came to the weather.
Joey's eyes flickered to the television set watching as some weatherman told her everything she already knew. Bad snow storm. Roads closed. Possible power outage. Probably won't let up until morning. She frowned and glanced away. "Tell me something I don't know," she muttered.
"You wanna watch something else?" He offered.
She shrugged disinterestedly. "I don't care."
"You have to care."
"It's your tv."
"You're the guest."
"Not by choice."
He nodded, conceding that point, "But you're still the guest."
She rolled her eyes. "Look, I could care less about what's on the damn television set so just leave me alone."
"Yeah, okay." He rose immediately from his end of the couch and tossed the remote beside her. He disappeared into the kitchen and sat down at the table they'd been at earlier. He pulled opened his book back to where he'd left off and tried to read.
Joey glanced back toward the windows ignoring the television. She was about ten seconds away from actually taking her chances out there and walking home. This was just horribly cruel to be forced to stay here with him. She wiped at her cheeks hurriedly and sniffled quietly staring out into the darkness outside. Everything about this was so wrong. It was all wrong.
Pacey did his best to focus on the book, but couldn't seem to retain any of the words. He though it was difficult before, now it was nearly impossible. All he wanted to do was curl up with a heavy blanket and sleep. He snorted, not that that would be much of a relief, he'd only end up dreaming of her. He kept running through it in his mind, why couldn't she just have told him? He could have accepted it. Sure, he'd have been a little hurt, but not like this. He wouldn't this horrible empty feeling that kept clawing away at his insides, trying to escape.
She wiped her cheeks one last time before tentatively reaching for the remote and aimlessly flipping through the channels, looking for something to drown out the thoughts in her head. She settled on an old syndicated Friends episode, and sat back in her seat hoping for a cheap laugh. Bad idea. The minute she found herself cracking a smile, she'd only end up crying more because for some insane reason Chandler only served to remind of her Pacey. She was about ready to throw herself into the creek because of her lame amount of patheticness. She got up and looked desolately out the window. The idea of walking home was sounding more appealing.
The lights flickered once in the kitchen, and Pacey looked up from his book just in time to see the lights go out completely. "Greeeat," he muttered and pushed the chair back to grab the matches that were next to the kitchen sink. He quickly lit one of the candles and carried it into the living room, "Potter? You okay?"
She rolled her eyes and stepped away from the window. "I'm fine."
He moved to the coffee table and lit a few of the candles offering the room a warm glow. He spotted her near the window. "Well, now what?"
"Your guess is as good as mine."
"You, uh, wanna talk about it?"
"What's to talk about?"
"Nothing anymore, I guess." He sighed and sat down on the couch.
She nodded. "Right."
He let out a ragged breath, and kicked off his shoes, "I think I'm just going to go to sleep. Not like we're going to have school tomorrow anyway." He stood up and moved the blankets to the floor and began making a bed for himself.
She plopped herself down on the end of the couch. "Fine."
"You're on my bed here, Potter." He told her, bending over to pick up another blanket.
"Sorry," she said shortly getting up and walking over to look back out the window. Damn snow.
He took the remaining blankets to Gretchen's room and put them on the bed so she'd have something extra to keep her warm. "Everything you need is gonna be in there," he gestured over his shoulder when he returned.
She nodded still looking out at the falling snow, unable to make anything out of the blanketed stillness. "The last time it snowed in March," she began, "was on Dawson's birthday. When I held that surprise party for him and he showed up drunk along with Andie."
"Oh yeah," he said quietly, stripping out of his clothes. "Wasn't that a blast."
The corner of her mouth turned up slightly. "Fun to be had all around."
"We've all come a long way since then," he moved to the dresser and pulled out some sweats and a wifebeater.
"Dawson and I always use to make a wish on the first snowfall when we were kids," she smiled faintly gazing out at the falling snow, "and it usually came true. I don't even know what possessed me to bring it up that year we stopped doing it after we were eleven and I remember talking to him that night¼And he told me how lonely he was and how much he loved me and how he wished I'd hurry up and find myself so we could be together again. I didn't know what to tell him and I never had to worry about it because he fell asleep on me."
She bit her lip. "And when I looked out the window I noticed the first snowflake, so I walked over and closed my eyes, pretended I was eleven again and made a wish." She raised her hand and pressed it against the cold pane of the glass. She shut her eyes for a moment and exhaled an unsteady breath. "I wished that Dawson would stop hurting because of me. Because love's not supposed to hurt, right?" She laughed nervously. "Which is kind of funny because it seems like that's all I ever did after that. Hurt him. I never intentionally set out to do it but I did but I guess I made one mistake too many." She dropped her hand. "Must be karma."
"I never hurt you, Joey," he said quietly from the couch. "I loved you too much. I did everything I could to keep you from being hurt." He frowned lying back on the couch. "You were protecting him, I was protecting you. One of us ended up lacking protection."
"So much for that system."
He smiled self-deprecatingly up at the ceiling. "Who was protecting me, Jo? For all that you tried so hard not to hurt Dawson and I tried not to hurt you, what did I have?"
She stepped away from the window. "Pacey, I love you and I tried so hard to show you."
He shook his head against her words, "Love, Joey, love isn't everything."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe we've just been fooling ourselves. Maybe all these months together were for nothing. A waste of time."
"I'm not saying that." He replied, "I loved you." He said the words with difficulty, "I still love you. It's just not enough, anymore. I need..." he started and then sighed, closing his mouth again.
"What?"
He shifted on the couch, turning on his side, the blanket clutched tightly in his fists. "Go to bed, Potter."
She stared at the back of the couch, the candles casting weird shadows around the room. "Tell me, Pacey."
He was quiet for a few moments. "Why, Jo? You can't fix this."
She shrugged. "Maybe next time I'll know not to make the same mistake."
"What? Not to lie to me?" He asked his tone angry. "Forget about it, Joey. It's over. I need something from you that you just can't give me. And in proving that, you ruined the trust I had in you."
She glanced away her eyes tearing. "I said I was sorry but what can I expect from you, right? I guess you're more like Dawson than you think."
"I am not like Dawson." He ground out.
"Then why are you so willing to just throw away this past year?" She looked at him helplessly.
"Because I can't stay with you."
"Why?"
"Go to sleep, Joey."
She hated herself for how weak she was being. "Why Pacey?"
"Because Jo," He finally gave in, his frustration getting the better of him. "You're incapable of putting me first. And I hate to sound selfish, but for once, I think I'm allowed to be."
She wiped her eyes and turned away, walking over to Gretchen's room. She shut the door behind her.
He frowned and threw the covers off him, if she wanted to talk, they were gonna talk. He pushed open the door to Gretchen's room, "You don't get to be mad, Joey. I didn't do anything wrong. You're not allowed to be angry at me!"
She whirled around from where she was changing and glared. "Leave me alone."
He sighed and turned around so she could change, but he didn't leave.
"Well what is it now?" Joey muttered sitting down on the edge of the bed after she was done.
"You're angry with me."
"What's your point?"
"You have no reason to be."
She scoffed in disbelief. "I don't?"
"No, you don't." He repeated.
"Well, I'm sorry for not taking being dumped so well. Forgive me, please."
"I don't want you to hate me."
"What does it matter?"
"It matters because I love you."
"Sometimes love isn't everything, is it?" she retorted sharply using his words from earlier.
He scowled, "That doesn't mean that it isn't killing me to be the one who's hurting you. I'm used to being the one who makes it better."
Joey turned away keeping her gaze level with the floor and fought the urge to cry again. "Just leave me alone," she said quietly.
He watched the emotions play over her face and bit his lip at the pain he saw there. It was a stab to the heart knowing he was responsible. He had never thought himself capable of hurting her...
The other side of the coin, though, was he'd never thought she was capable of hurting him either.
He let out a shaky breath and turned on his heel. He couldn't fix this for her. It was her mess...and their heartache.
She let out a choked sob and collapsed onto the bed burying her head in one of the pillows. God, it hurt. It just physically hurt and right now, she couldn't even be at home drowning her sorrows in a pint of ice cream with her best friend because he was her best friend. Life sucked.
