¤.velvet.sunshine.¤

the sun is made of velvet soft... warm... beautiful

Lisa.
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New journal!
I got a new LJ. Something about it was just bugging me. So it's love___lost now. But it's friends only. I decided to stop taking the inhaler. It's not working anyway. I'm just getting worse. So why take the damn thing when it's not helping me? While I'm at it I might as well quit taking the pills too. I'm not even sure what they're supposed to be doing for me. Choking me. That's all they've been doing. I can't take pills. I stood out in the kitchen and tried to swallow that thing six times before I could get it down. So hey, why take medicine that causes me more harm than good? So what if I need them. I don't care anymore. I'm getting so sick of going to the hospital and being sick and not being able to breath. I'm starting to feel like a walking pharmacy.

Hi there, world. Just me.
Hey, I'm back. I discovered something. Geocities sucks. Yeah, I already knew this. But then it started working for me again. So I'm all yay! Then it quit working again. So I'm back. And I have a whole summer to update. Weee! So yeah, if I don't start getting stuff up, you have my full permission to fire at will. I've been a very busy little monkey. I've got lots of new stuffs to show you. Lots of desktops and stuff I've been doing. Once I get a new photobucket account. Damn bandwidth. PS, Adam, I'm still waiting for that big "Wow, I'm an adult" swell of pride thing you were talking about. Still not feeling it. Which just makes me all the more depressed because I feel like I'm missing something really great that I'm supposed to be feeling. Liar.

so yeah, i'm sad for some reason...
Like when you close your eyes, you're still there. You see darkness. But when you die, everything stops, you can't even see darkness, you don't see, you're DEAD. I can't explain exactly what I'm saying. If you think I'm insane, ok, I can deal with that. I wonder about my sanity myself sometimes. But, still, I don't beleive there's a heaven. That goes into my religious crap, and I'm not going into that right now. Save it for rainy days. But if there is no heaven, then it only makes sense that there is no hell. To me. But it's incredibly strange. There has to be something after death. What is the point of life if there is nothing after? We're just here to walk around a bit, look at the sights then die? Why the hell are we here if that's it? Even if we do leave something behind, it doesn't change the fact that we're dead. And eventually even the people who you affected are all going to die off, so what's the point of your life if you only affect someone just to have them die too? If anybody gets what I'm saying here, feel free to help me out here. Pick me apart. Or ask me a question if you don't get anything. I'm having an increasingly hard time working my own mind out lately. So if you give me a little specific to work out, maybe it could help. I read over some of my old notebooks from when I was like twelve and I feel all messed up. I see a lot of the same problems. I keep going over and over the same crap and I'm still not getting anywhere. It's all just psychemummble. >br>
love sucks so hard
My sister is dating some guy that is fourteen years older than her. And my mom thinks they're the most adorable couple in the world. But if I date a guy two years younger than me, fuck, that just isn't right. Why? What the hell is this obsession with men being older than women in a relationship? I mean, isn't there some known fact that women live longer than men? So why would a woman want a man that's older than her so he dies way before her and leaves her alone? What if I married a guy that was twenty years younger than me? Twenty years older would be just fine. That's normal. But if the guy is younger it's wrong. I honestly don't see why this bugs me so much. I don't like younger guys. Plus, I'm never getting married anyway. I think it's a pointless waist of time money and energy. If you really love someone you shouldn't need a certificate and a billion dollar ring to prove it. Plus, I'd never be able to get a guy I actually like. I have this horrible habit of flirting with every guy within a twenty mile vicinity, yet I stay as far away as humanly possible from the people I really like. Emotional problems. It's weird. I'm a seventeen year old virgin who's only dated two guys my whole life. I'm such a freak. I just don't feel the need for a relationship. I've turned down so many guys I lost count. On a slightly random note. Adam bought me a Nightmare Before Chistmas snow globe. He broke my old one. And I cried for two days. So the darling bought me a new one. I feel all warm and fuzzidy inside. So warm and fuzzidy that I created a new word. See previous two sentences if you didn't catch it. It plays Sally's Song. It's now sitting on top of my magazine rack. If anyone breaks this one I'm going to banish them to the ninth level of hell. Because that's where evil little breakers of cherished things deserve to go. Gods, I'm such a ball of sunshine today!

i'm not okay
I have so many problems right now I can't even verbalize them. If I'm such a danger to myself why isn't someone getting me the help I need? What the hell do I need to do to get someone to help me? Have you ever seen yourself drowning? Like I can just see my whole life going nowhere. Getting further and further away from that point where I'm too far gone for anyone to be able to save me without going down with me. The worst part is that I see it happening, I see all the signs, and I just want someone to save me so bad but no one else sees it. I'm just a textbook case of teenage angst. I just feel like every other kid my age who thinks they're not going to make it, right? Is that what it feels like? When you know you can't pull through then you somehow make it? How can you tell if you're just as depressed as everyone else, or you really have a problem? So am I just normal? Or am I really falling apart?

she's not a mother
Have you ever needed to tell someone what's on your mind? Like you'll just explode if you don't? But you don't have the guts because you know they'll never accept you minute opinion? I just want to scream at my mom sometimes until she listens to me. It's crazy. She does everything short of getting on her knees and begging me to open up to her. Then when I finally try, she goes on about how I need to, and I quote: "get right with the lord" at the first sign of me thinking anything even remotely different from her fucked up maze she calls her religion. Why the fuck does she think I never talk to her? Because I am wrong. I am always wrong. And if I tell her what I really think it always turns into a huge fight. I honestly think she's terrified that I might not be exactly like her. Well, fuck that. I'm never going to be like her. I'm going to fucking kill myself before I let myself be anything like her. I think I hate her sometimes. I mean, I love her as my mother, but I hate her as a person. I'm pretty sure that if she wasn't my mother she'd be a loathed enemy. She's not a mother. She's a woman with children. But it sucks. She won't even give me the chance to let her know who I really am.
And you know the crazy thing about all this? The whole damn thing started because I was watching Headbanger's Ball. Wow. Headbanger's Ball. Someone should reserve my seat in hell for that one.

snow day
It's snowing out. And I'm going to shovel the driveway for my dad. Hooray for snow! I didn't have to go to school today. That's a plus. I went to AC Moore yesterday and bought a bunch of paint, and this adorable wooden box. I love boxes. I have this odd obsession with boxes. So I'm going to do something cool with it, paint it some really bright colors and such. Then I'm going to glue a little picture frame inside the lid. I just need a picture to put in it. I also got a lot done on my site! Yeah, it doesn't look like much is done. And there are still some pages I haven't finished yet. But hey, it's coming along. <1+2 ya!

Oh, the lust.
So, here I am again. I decided to use this as my blog from now on. I'm in lust with all those personal websites that they use as their blog. So, I decided to try it! I probably won't be updating this as much as my LJ, but I'm still going to use this. If you have an LJ and you want to see mine, I'll add you. It's here if you want to see it. But you'll just see a bunch of corny friends only signs. Hee. Or, I might possibly just totaly abandon my LJ and start using this as my blog. Who knows. Right now I'm opting toward the last option.

online


Lisa. .painting.writing.music.open minds.astrology.html.kitties.fanfiction.history.poetry.dressing weird.emo boys.rain.timburton.afi.the rasmus.honesty. home// me// site// art// web stuff// element 33// archive// ranting lunatic
New journal! I got a new LJ. Something about it was just bugging me. So it's love___lost now. But it's friends only. I decided to stop taking the inhaler. It's not working anyway. I'm just getting worse. So why take the damn thing when it's not helping me? While I'm at it I might as well quit taking the pills too. I'm not even sure what they're supposed to be doing for me. Choking me. That's all they've been doing. I can't take pills. I stood out in the kitchen and tried to swallow that thing six times before I could get it down. So hey, why take medicine that causes me more harm than good? So what if I need them. I don't care anymore. I'm getting so sick of going to the hospital and being sick and not being able to breath. I'm starting to feel like a walking pharmacy. Hi there, world. Just me. Hey, I'm back. I discovered something. Geocities sucks. Yeah, I already knew this. But then it started working for me again. So I'm all yay! Then it quit working again. So I'm back. And I have a whole summer to update. Weee! So yeah, if I don't start getting stuff up, you have my full permission to fire at will. I've been a very busy little monkey. I've got lots of new stuffs to show you. Lots of desktops and stuff I've been doing. Once I get a new photobucket account. Damn bandwidth. PS, Adam, I'm still waiting for that big "Wow, I'm an adult" swell of pride thing you were talking about. Still not feeling it. Which just makes me all the more depressed because I feel like I'm missing something really great that I'm supposed to be feeling. Liar. so yeah, i'm sad for some reason... Like when you close your eyes, you're still there. You see darkness. But when you die, everything stops, you can't even see darkness, you don't see, you're DEAD. I can't explain exactly what I'm saying. If you think I'm insane, ok, I can deal with that. I wonder about my sanity myself sometimes. But, still, I don't beleive there's a heaven. That goes into my religious crap, and I'm not going into that right now. Save it for rainy days. But if there is no heaven, then it only makes sense that there is no hell. To me. But it's incredibly strange. There has to be something after death. What is the point of life if there is nothing after? We're just here to walk around a bit, look at the sights then die? Why the hell are we here if that's it? Even if we do leave something behind, it doesn't change the fact that we're dead. And eventually even the people who you affected are all going to die off, so what's the point of your life if you only affect someone just to have them die too? If anybody gets what I'm saying here, feel free to help me out here. Pick me apart. Or ask me a question if you don't get anything. I'm having an increasingly hard time working my own mind out lately. So if you give me a little specific to work out, maybe it could help. I read over some of my old notebooks from when I was like twelve and I feel all messed up. I see a lot of the same problems. I keep going over and over the same crap and I'm still not getting anywhere. It's all just psychemummble. >br> love sucks so hard My sister is dating some guy that is fourteen years older than her. And my mom thinks they're the most adorable couple in the world. But if I date a guy two years younger than me, fuck, that just isn't right. Why? What the hell is this obsession with men being older than women in a relationship? I mean, isn't there some known fact that women live longer than men? So why would a woman want a man that's older than her so he dies way before her and leaves her alone? What if I married a guy that was twenty years younger than me? Twenty years older would be just fine. That's normal. But if the guy is younger it's wrong. I honestly don't see why this bugs me so much. I don't like younger guys. Plus, I'm never getting married anyway. I think it's a pointless waist of time money and energy. If you really love someone you shouldn't need a certificate and a billion dollar ring to prove it. Plus, I'd never be able to get a guy I actually like. I have this horrible habit of flirting with every guy within a twenty mile vicinity, yet I stay as far away as humanly possible from the people I really like. Emotional problems. It's weird. I'm a seventeen year old virgin who's only dated two guys my whole life. I'm such a freak. I just don't feel the need for a relationship. I've turned down so many guys I lost count. On a slightly random note. Adam bought me a Nightmare Before Chistmas snow globe. He broke my old one. And I cried for two days. So the darling bought me a new one. I feel all warm and fuzzidy inside. So warm and fuzzidy that I created a new word. See previous two sentences if you didn't catch it. It plays Sally's Song. It's now sitting on top of my magazine rack. If anyone breaks this one I'm going to banish them to the ninth level of hell. Because that's where evil little breakers of cherished things deserve to go. Gods, I'm such a ball of sunshine today! i'm not okay I have so many problems right now I can't even verbalize them. If I'm such a danger to myself why isn't someone getting me the help I need? What the hell do I need to do to get someone to help me? Have you ever seen yourself drowning? Like I can just see my whole life going nowhere. Getting further and further away from that point where I'm too far gone for anyone to be able to save me without going down with me. The worst part is that I see it happening, I see all the signs, and I just want someone to save me so bad but no one else sees it. I'm just a textbook case of teenage angst. I just feel like every other kid my age who thinks they're not going to make it, right? Is that what it feels like? When you know you can't pull through then you somehow make it? How can you tell if you're just as depressed as everyone else, or you really have a problem? So am I just normal? Or am I really falling apart? she's not a mother Have you ever needed to tell someone what's on your mind? Like you'll just explode if you don't? But you don't have the guts because you know they'll never accept you minute opinion? I just want to scream at my mom sometimes until she listens to me. It's crazy. She does everything short of getting on her knees and begging me to open up to her. Then when I finally try, she goes on about how I need to, and I quote: "get right with the lord" at the first sign of me thinking anything even remotely different from her fucked up maze she calls her religion. Why the fuck does she think I never talk to her? Because I am wrong. I am always wrong. And if I tell her what I really think it always turns into a huge fight. I honestly think she's terrified that I might not be exactly like her. Well, fuck that. I'm never going to be like her. I'm going to fucking kill myself before I let myself be anything like her. I think I hate her sometimes. I mean, I love her as my mother, but I hate her as a person. I'm pretty sure that if she wasn't my mother she'd be a loathed enemy. She's not a mother. She's a woman with children. But it sucks. She won't even give me the chance to let her know who I really am. And you know the crazy thing about all this? The whole damn thing started because I was watching Headbanger's Ball. Wow. Headbanger's Ball. Someone should reserve my seat in hell for that one. snow day It's snowing out. And I'm going to shovel the driveway for my dad. Hooray for snow! I didn't have to go to school today. That's a plus. I went to AC Moore yesterday and bought a bunch of paint, and this adorable wooden box. I love boxes. I have this odd obsession with boxes. So I'm going to do something cool with it, paint it some really bright colors and such. Then I'm going to glue a little picture frame inside the lid. I just need a picture to put in it. I also got a lot done on my site! Yeah, it doesn't look like much is done. And there are still some pages I haven't finished yet. But hey, it's coming along. <1+2 ya! Oh, the lust. So, here I am again. I decided to use this as my blog from now on. I'm in lust with all those personal websites that they use as their blog. So, I decided to try it! I probably won't be updating this as much as my LJ, but I'm still going to use this. If you have an LJ and you want to see mine, I'll add you. It's here if you want to see it. But you'll just see a bunch of corny friends only signs. Hee. Or, I might possibly just totaly abandon my LJ and start using this as my blog. Who knows. Right now I'm opting toward the last option.