Title: When Destiny Is All You Have
Author: Rose
Rating: Hard R
Notes: Thank you to then people who did review and said such nice things. Much angst-y confusion in here. The slash starts the cahpter for definite. My thanks to iheartwillhoge and huge, huge thanks to suzukiravenfire and as usual, SLASH, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, BAD LANGUAGE, CHARACTER DEATH
Disclaimer: I have my own personal Severus to do with what I wish – don’t you?
As usual - I own nothing except the ‘plot’ contained within and a few of the spells. All other credit to J.K Rowling
Chapter 13; A Reaction
Harry watched Ron slam out of the rooms with a distinct air of foreboding. Right now though, Harry was too angry to even acknowledge that fact.
‘If you don’t mind Headmaster, I am rather tired and would prefer to go to bed without anymore outbursts from insecure, immature knobheads.’
Hermione’s eyes widened and she went to say something
‘Perhaps it would be best if you followed your boyfriend, Miss Granger.’
Severus’ voice cut across the room and Hermione rose almost without thinking and followed Ron out of the door.
Harry was still sat fuming in his seat and seemingly trying to burn a hole through the door with the power of his mind alone. It occurred to him that he probably should stop before he actually did set the door on fire. It wouldn’t do to destroy Severus’ quarters just because Ron was a complete prat.
Harry barely acknowledged the Headmaster’s leaving and he didn’t hear his brief admonition to stay safely within the castle’s walls.
The rest of the evening passed in a blur to Harry, he was still internally fuming, and trying to work out how the hell everything had got so fucked up. How the person who had been the best friend he had could believe such a thing of him. Would think that he was doing something wrong by… by taking some time away. He had said something true, but Harry had not succeeded in doing what Ron had to him. In really hurting him. Despite everything though, Ron was his first real friend and that would always mean something. How had everything got so confused?
He crawled into Severus’ bed, barely acknowledging the other man’s presence as he slid carefully into the other side. Harry turned away to face the wall and slipped off into angry, confused and frustrated dreams.
<center> ~/****\~</center>
Severus awoke to Albus’ head in his bedroom fireplace. The one he only used for absolute emergencies or very important news. After reassuring himself that Harry was still sleeping next to him and not off somewhere having his life blood poured back into him Severus tried to work out what possibly could have gone wrong now. A slight cough from the fire reminded him that he would get more answers if he actually spoke to Albus.
Well, Probably.
He looked over and saw an expression on Albus’ face he never thought he would become used to. It was an expression of a total loss of control and of old age. The ever-present, famed twinkle was missing from the Headmaster’s eyes for the second time in less than a week.
‘What has happened now Albus?’
For once in his life, Severus saw that the Headmaster was at a loss.
‘This is not a conversation that should be held over a fireplace, my dear boy.’
Severus tensed even further at hearing that. The old man only ever called him that when something truly terrible had happened. Severus was wildly beginning to wonder if Voldemort was somehow, inexplicably not dead.
‘Please come up to my office as soon as possible and instruct Harry to follow you 15 minutes after you leave. Dobby can stay with him while you are gone.’
Severus nodded absently as Albus’ head vanished from the fire. The fact that Harry had to go up as well did not bode well. Could he possibly be right? Could that monster have survived even having his soul stripped? But why would he wish to see them separately? It made no sense. Severus could not follow the Headmaster’s insane train of thought at the best of times, and never when one or both of them were distressed. What in the nine hells was happening?
Severus quickly shook himself; he was drifting again, as he had become so wont to doing in the past few days. He would achieve nothing sat here speculating on what was happen with what he was sure were only specious theories. He hoped they were.
Severus moved to get out of the bed and noticed the world’s erstwhile suicidal saviour stir behind him.
That’s right Severus try to separate yourself from him by making him something other than Harry.
Somewhere the mutt was laughing his arse off at him Severus was sure. Why else would that damnable voice sound so much like him?
‘Harry.’
A blink. Obviously the boy was about a cognisant in the morning, pre-caffeine as Severus himself. Unless he was in a state of complete bafflement.
‘Harry, listen to me.’
‘Huh?’
Well, that was slightly better.
‘I am leaving now to see the Headmaster.’
‘Mmmmm.’
‘You will need to follow approximately 15 minutes after I have left.’
‘Yes, Severus.’
‘You will then have to take all your NEWTs naked with McGonagall watching.’
‘Okay…’
A beat. Severus waited.
‘WHAT?’
‘This is important, Harry, you need to listen. The headmaster wishes to see us both, and you will need to follow in 15 minutes. I do not wish to be cruel, but it is likely this is not good news.’
Harry’s face slid into an impassive mask remarkably similar to Severus’ own.
‘Do you know if you will be remaining when I arrive to speak to the Headmaster?’
‘I suspect so, Harry. I will try.’
‘Thank you.’
Odd. Thank you for what? Sometime Severus could not understand Harry at all.
With a swift nod, Severus threw the floo power into the fire and made his way towards the Headmaster’s office.
<center> ~/****\~</center>
Severus arrived to see Albus sat behind his desk, nigh slumped down in his chair with the cup of tea already in his hand. Another sat steaming across him before a black leather chair.
This did not bode well.
‘Not even giving the chance to try to decline Albus.’
‘Today, my boy, I suspect you will need it.’
Really, really not boding well.
Severus sat in the chair, but refused to pick up the teacup yet. Let the old man explain first.
‘Severus…’
Severus watched as the Headmaster appeared to gather his thoughts.
‘You remember I warned you that Lucius was free.’
Of course he did. Severus was beginning to get very worried indeed.
‘Yes.’
‘Last night…’
Last night what? Bloody hell, what could have happened now? What could be so bad that Albus could not say it?
‘Last night in Hogsmeade, Lucius was spotted by some of the townspeople.’
Oh gods. Please say this isn’t going where he thought it was. Who was dead now?
‘He came across one of our students in the town.’
A student? Who did he care about that much for Albus to be this concerned?
‘He cast the killing curse and was apprehended by the aurors.’
Wait…
‘Ronald Weasley is dead and Lucius has been kissed.’
Severus felt like he’d just been petrified. Lucius had been kissed? Lucius Malfoy was gone? There was nothing left? No remnants of… of…
Lucius had been one of the first things Severus had seen when he joined Hogwarts. Someone with status, and bearing and pride even as a child. The person who had everything Severus had wanted. Money. Beauty. Power. Who had ruled during his time at Hogwarts. Who had taught the most important lessons of all, that a Slytherin was always a Slytherin and that he had a name to uphold. Who had enticed him down the path to ruin, to darkness. Who had been his friend.
Lucius had been the one to bring him before the D- before Voldemort. Who had shown him everything. Lucius had taught him so much. They had been… more than friends. For a time, before the world came crashing down on Severus, they had been everything.
Lucius had married Narcissa. He began to lose himself ever more in the dark arts. In this service to his master. Severus had watched him lose everything that made him Lucius and he had been driven out to find shelter. To Albus.
Lucius had meant so much to him. In hate and love. How could he be gone?
It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t.
How was he supposed to feel about this?
His feelings for Lucius were never resolved. He was never sure if he truly hated him, despite all appearances. Perhaps he would have killed him, had they met in battle, but this was different. He did not love Lucius, Severus knew that, but he had once.
It felt like a part of his had been ripped away. Severus wasn’t even sure if he was still breathing. Was Albus still speaking?
The floo flared. Or did it?
Somebody there, speaking.
Who?
A cry, of pain, of rage echoed trough the room.
A sound he’d heard before.
Severus shook himself. He needed to return.
He took Harry by the hand.
Of course, who else would it be?
They rose together, stiff and broken and Severus called for his room as they moved into the floo.
<center> ~/****\~</center>
Harry watched as Severus vanished into the flames. He had been distracted too, Harry could tell. Dobby appeared next to him, but was summarily dismissed as unimportant to Harry’s whirling mind.
What could have got Severus into such a state?
Harry dressed mechanically, his mind exploring all the possibilities of what the Headmaster could want them for. Was he being sent away?
Harry felt something touch him, and automatically flinched and saw Dobby stood before him.
Time to leave.
Harry walked towards the floo, took a handful and called for the Headmaster’s office.
Severus was sat in a chair before the desk ,cup of tea in hand, drinking it almost without thinking. Harry nearly froze in fear at the sight. What could be that bad? What could make Severus this way?
‘Sit down please, Harry.’
Harry barely noticed himself move forward and sink into a green armchair next to Severus’.
‘My dear boy…’
Harry forced himself to breathe normally. He had heard nothing yet. There was no sense in panicking before he was told.
Too late.
‘Last night, after leaving Severus’ quarters…’
What? What had the Headmaster done?
‘Ronald left the castle…’
Ron? What the hell was going on?
‘And he… Harry he was found by Lucius.’
No. No. Nonononononono. He can’t be saying that. Please.
‘I’m so sorry Harry, he is dead.’
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Not possible.
It can’t be. It can’t.
They had been together yesterday. Just yesterday. They had fought. Oh Merlin, they had fought and Ron had left. But he could be dead. He couldn’t.
His first friend. Hot-tempered Ron. Always there, even if they weren’t close anymore. Ron was… he was special to him. His first real friend.
So alive, so fiery and alive.
He couldn’t be dead.
He wasn’t.
Was he?
If Ron was dead, then it was Harry’s fault. They had fought. Harry had said things. Cruel things. He had driven him out of the castle. Driven him into the jaws of death at Lucius Malfoy’s wand.
Another person associated with Harry Potter was dead. He was poison. He should be dead not Ron.
Ron was dead.
An inhumane howl of pain and rage and helplessness screamed out of Harry.
Ron was dead. Ron was <b>dead</b>.
Harry felt himself beeing lifted up by someone, out of the seat. He was taken towards the fireplace and pushed in and he swirled back to the gloom.
<center> ~/****\~</center>
Severus nearly fell out of the floo for the first time in over 20 years. The haze was leaving now and all that was left was numbness. And anger.
Severus looked over at Harry and saw him curled in on himself, almost falling off the armchair he had sank into. What was going on? What could have brought Harry to such a state again? It couldn’t have been Lucius, there had been no love lost between those two and Harry was not the type to mourn for lost opportunities to kill someone so what was it? What could…
<i>Ronald Weasley is dead and Lucius has been kissed.</i>
Fuck.
Of all the things which could have possibly happened to drive Harry back to a state a suicidal depression this had to nearly head the list. His friend dead and just after they had fought? No wonder the boy seemed near catatonic. Severus was in no condition to deal with this now, if he ever had been.
Almost without thinking, Severus made his way over to the liquor cabinet and brought out the bottle of scotch he had opened following The- Voldemort’s death.
‘What are you doing?’
Not quite as desolate as previously suspected then.
‘I am giving in to an urging which has been plaguing me for days and drinking until I no longer care about the happenings of this past day.’
A puzzled gleam shone in Harry’s eyes as he visibly tried to understand why Severus would be upset.
At this particular moment Severus was disinclined to enlighten him.
He walked over and handed a second drink to Harry.
‘Slowly. It will make things a little easier.’
For a while anyway.
They sat drinking in silence, neither willing to break the stark atmosphere which had settled on the room. Severus refilled the glasses more times than he really cared to remember. Finally Harry spoke.
‘I don’t see why you’re so concerned about all this. You didn’t even like Ron.’
‘I do not need an excuse to get drunk. I have years of excuses behind me however, should anyone enquire.’
‘Of course. It would be too much to ask for the great Potions master to shown some kind of feeling wouldn’t it? Some indication that he actually gave a flying fuck about what was happening to someone.’
Impudent brat. What did he know?
‘I do not need to explain myself to you Potter.’
‘Oh, so it’s ‘Potter’ again then? How predictable. You’re getting on Snape, if even I can see what you’re planning. Aren’t you ashamed? A stupid Gryffindor like myself seeing through you.’
Severus was verging on incensed as the damnable creature continued his diatribe on why he was a complete bastard and those green eyes flashed fire for the first time and months. That mouth moving rapidly in anger and spite. His whole body alight and moving as Harry continued to rant and Severus could take it no longer. The anger and the alcohol conspired against him and he moved to capture those lips in a bruising kiss.
The fought against each other, mouths and tongues, shouting their anger, their pain without words. Severus wasn’t sure who moved them back towards to wall but there he stood, pressing Harry against it and trying to bleed out everything he was feeling through his mouth. This was about lust and pain as they moved together against the walls, trying to find release.
Severus could taste the scotch on Harry’s tongue, made harsh by fury and pain.
They met without thought, taking whatever they could, battling for dominance and never winning.
Hands, whose Severus could no longer tell, moving between them, loosing clothes and removing barriers until they stood there, skin to skin, panting and breathless and still so angry. Severus would never know where he got the lubricant from as he pushed his fingers into Harry, rough and desperate. They moved together, fast and hard, fucking against his bedroom wall.
Harry eyes’ flashing with rage and desire as he met Severus, thrust for thrust.
His head flung back, supported on the wall as they drew closer to the edge.
The look of pained completion as they came together.
They stumbled back towards Severus’ bed and collapsed together.
And then he knew no more.
TBC…
A/N: Worth the wait? Yes, I’m a very mean author. I am trying to do my best for you and get on with this thing, but there’s just so much going on right now that updates will be even more erratic. Please do bear with me, this story will keep going and I’ll try not to leave it too long, but it’s a little difficult right now. This chapter was incredibly emotionally draining to write and I’d appreciate any feedback you’re willing to give.
Love, Rose
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