You are an Assistant Secretary of FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency. You are in charge of protecting the nation’s infrastructure from damage caused by solar storms. You do this by (1) predicting solar storms, (2) notifying those agencies, companies, and individuals that could be affected, and (3) suggesting steps that these individuals, agencies and groups can take to prevent or minimize damage.

Pursuant to section A-15-G of HR-2006, the “FEMA General Waste of Time Telling Companies What They Indubitably Already Know” bill, I have made an exhaustive study of the indicators and effects of solar storms as they pertain to disaster prevention. Solar storms, in a nutshell, consist of charged particles ejected from the sun and carried to Earth via the solar wind (the constant shedding of coronal material). These ejections coincide with enormous disturbances known as solar flares and coronal mass ejections. Each is noticeable with the correct equipment, and I assure all concerned that FEMA is privy to a wide-scale, fully up-to-date system of observatories, each receiving enough funding to run for a FULL 89 days a year!

Whenever FEMA receives notice of such solar disruptions, I will personally insure that the effected organizations are given proper notice. Certainly our trained and professional staff will be expeditious in their reports. I fully expect that notices can be distributed no later than 3 years after the disruption is recorded. Types of organizations requiring notification will include industries related to electric grids, air travel, telecommunications, cable television/internet, radio stations, and any satellites. NASA will have given us the information in the first place, but we are counting on it getting lost before it reaches the right people in that organization. NASA therefore will be informed, along with the armed forces (for flight operations), the Federal Communications Commission, the Department of Health and Human Services (for astronaut/airline health issues), the CIA and FBI (for those spy satellites over your house), and any other agencies which give us angry phone calls. Angry phone calls will be processed quickly and efficiently, with almost a majority NOT being promptly forgotten.

To minimize the detrimental effects of solar weather, these organizations are encouraged to take a few easy preemptive steps. Firstly, it is worth the cost for satellites to be built with strength and various devices designed to block certain particles. On earth, structures and devices vulnerable to disturbance from solar weather may not be worth the cost of expensive anti-radiation technology, so essential components should be simply shut off so as not to sustain lasting damage. Lastly, and most importantly, NEVER hold a toaster in a filled bathtub.

Snobbily,
Richard K. Wilde
Assistant Secretary for Space Weather Affairs
Federal Emergency Management Agency