Robbie Williams and I were very much in love. We were always laughing together and really brought out the best in each other. That's why, despite all the difficulties, we lasted as long as we did. What I adored most about Rob was his sense of humour - that and his generosity. He's a very kind person. He's not a mug - he is smart with his money - but everyone is always welcome at his house and he never takes what he has for granted.
We used to spend hours in Rob's top room, which is like a playground, listening to music, pretending to be DJs, fooling around with his huge soccer-ball bean bag and his life-size model of a Star Wars storm trooper. At other times, we'd go out for romantic picnics on Hampstead Heath in north London. In the early days, Rob and I were busy travelling all over the world and we didn't have much chance to see each other. It was wonderful when we could manage to be in the same city at the same time.
On one occasion, when we hadn't seen each other for ten days, we were both doing a show in Paris. Arriving at the hotel and knowing he was in the same building was so exciting it set my heart pounding. The hotel had a really long hallway and I remembered seeing him at the end of it. We ran to each other and I jumped into his arms. We stayed in each other's hotel rooms the whole time.
Right from the start, our relationship was under a lot of pressure. I was part of a band that was in turmoil, and I would come home to Rob full of problems. It was embarrassing. All Saints were doing well, but we weren't getting on and I was often miserable. Rob was kind and sympathetic - he had been there himself. Ironically that's what made it so difficult: my pain uncovered his.
Rob was never accepted in Take That. He told me how he'd been teased for being overweight, and of all the rules and regulations he was expected to live by. One night, we sat on the roof terrace of his flat in Notting Hill, West London, and he burst into tears talking about his experiences in Take That.
Apart from Rob and my sister, Natalie, the other person I was closest to was the third member of All Saints, Melanie Blatt. I'd known her since school and we lived so much in each other's pockets that even our periods were in sync. We were both in steady relationships - she with Stuart Zender, the bass player with Jamiroquai - and we would talk about what it might be like to have babies.
In March 1998, we were promoting Never Ever, our first big hit, in Vancouver, Canada, when Mel and I realised that our periods were a few days late and we decided, together, to take pregnancy tests. We took it in turns to pee on the paper strips and watched in astonishment as they both went blue. Mine was vibrant and bright; Mel's was a smudge.
"We're pregnant!" We shouted. It was the most extraordinary moment. It was late at night and moonlight made the snow outside look blue. We didn't move but just sat there grinning. All these years of friendship, then musical success together and now this.
'By my calculations, it means I conceived on Valentine's Day,' I told Mel. It felt like such an amazing women and we hugged and hugged.
'Let's not tell anyone for a while,' Mel said. 'Let's have it as our secret.' It was like being kids again, sharing something that no one else knew.
'Except Natalie,' I said. 'I have to tell my sister.'
'The others won't like it, Mel said. She had suddenly articulated what we'd both been thinking. 'They'll freeze us out.'
Thoughts of the inevitable hurricane to come sat alongside our joy. Mere moments after our ecstatic discovery came the fears of displeasure, of being out of favour. 'They'll see it as a threat to the band,' Mel said. 'I know it. It will compromise our image.'
I agreed. It was a time before any of the Spice Girls had become pregnant. Pregnancy for pop stars was not yet cool.
I telephoned Rob. It was two in the morning. He was tired and sleepy, but it was lovely to make contact - as we did every day, to get our fix of each other. It was hard always being apart. 'I have something to tell you,' I said. 'Mel and I both did a pregnancy test a few hours ago and I'm pregnant.' 'That's great, baby.' His response was immediate - warm and enthusiastic. It was exactly what I wanted to hear. Even without voicing it, I knew then that I had been afraid of Rob's reaction. We had been together for three months. A part of me feared he wouldn't be in to this and all that it entailed. 'Is it okay with you?' I asked him. 'I'm really happy about it,' he assured me. 'It's what I want.' That night, Mel slept in my room at the hotel and we stayed up half the night, giggling and planning. It was like a dream: having babies together, babies that would grow up together, as Mel and I did. We were so excited. It seemed possible, then, to have everything: career, a man you loved, a baby: Life could be that good. We had cereal and glasses of milk for breakfast. It was a really happy morning for me, but I was scared to tell our manager, John Benson, that I was pregnant, scared of his reaction. 'I'm not frightened of him,' Mel said, which was partially true. 'I'll tell him first, if you like, so you can gauge his reaction.' We left Vancouver, heading for Australia. Mel and I sat at the back of the plane. The date for March 25, 1998. It was Mel's 23rd birthday. This just added to the intoxication - it felt momentous. 'If only they knew we were pregnant,' we would whisper and laugh. The plane landed for a stopover at Los Angeles airport and we made our way to the huge food hall, crammed with restaurants and bars, to wait for our connecting flight. 'I'm going to tell John,' Mel said. 'While you tell him, I'll tell Nat,' I said. We squeezed each other's hands. 'Come one,' I said to Natalie. 'Let's have a look at the gift shop.' It was one of our favourite airport pastimes, buying strange knick-knacks. 'Nat, I've got something to tell you,' I said. She looked panicked and excited even before I spoke. 'I'm pregnant,' I said. Natalie screamed and threw her arms around me. 'That's fantastic,' she said. We were beaming at each other. 'Does anyone else know?' 'No,' I replied. 'Oh God' she said. 'What about John?' 'Nat, I have something else to tell you,' I said. I watched her expression change to accommodate another bombshell. 'Mel's pregnant too.' NATALIE 'Mel's pregnant? For God's sake, do you two have to do everything together,' I said: 'How did you plan it?' 'We didn't - it just happened.' 'I'm jealous,' I said instantly. 'Two best friends getting pregnant together.' I was happy for my sister - a baby for our family - but I was also in shock. I was relieved Mel was pregnant too. I knenot stop staring at them. The Nerds - that was their nickname at school - were pregnant. It made me laugh NICOLE Natalie and I left the gift shop and started walking towards Mel and John. They were sitting at a table. Twenty metres away, John's voice reached us. He was shouting and wiping sweat from his forehead. Mel was in tears. 'Oh, my God,' I said. 'Oh, my God.' I wanted to run - out of the food hall, out of the airport, away from John and Mel - but Mel needed me. I had to be there for her. I walked over to their table. 'You're a fool,' John carried on. 'How long have you know Stuart - nine months, ten? You're letting everything go.' I put my arms around Mel. The plane was boarding and we all started walking towards the departure area. John did not stop, a constant voice in Mel's ear. 'You haven't known Stuart long enough to have a child with him,' he said/ 'You're stupid, so naive.' On the walkways, passengers were staring. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I wished someone - anyone - would make him stop. At one of the payphones along the corridor wall, Mel said, 'Go on without me, I'll catch you up.' As we moved towards the plane, I could hear her. 'Stuart, Stuart, it's me, it's just terrible, it couldn't be worse.' She was crying into the phone. Natalie looked at John aghast. 'It's not about sentiment,' John said. 'It's about what is best for All Saints. Best for you. Shaznay's not going to like it.' 'Don't tell Shaznay John,' Mel said. 'I want to tell her myself.' Natalie looked at me wide-eyed. I knew what her expression meant: all this and he doesn't know about you yet. Another payphone. Again, Mel hung back, this time to call her mum. She was crying and shaking all over. My heard hammered in my chest. Tears squeezed behind my eyes. Melanie was doing this for both of us, but I would receive the same. It was only a matter of time. 'What did Stuart say?' I asked her. 'He said, "Don't listen to the others, you are going to have this baby."' Mel called Stuart again. Right up until the last possible moment before we left she was making contact with the people who loved her and were happy for her. I knew the pain of leaving that behind. Some days you dragged the whole of your being on to a plane when every fibre of you longed for your own bed, a cup of tea made by your mum, or a quiet night in. Shiara Juthan, John's assistant, put her arms around Mel as we boarded the plane. 'Don't worry, honey,' she said, 'everything will be all right.' We all loved Shiara. Warm, helpful and honest, she was a friend. On the flight, Natalie swung herself into the seat beside me and we whispered together. 'How are you?' she asked. 'Terrified,' I replied. I'I never imagined he would act like this.' 'Me neither,' she said. 'And he doesn't know about you yet. When are you going to tell him?' 'I don't know.' Shaznay walked past us, but she didn't stop to speak. 'She's pissed off,' I said. 'John's told her.' Natalie said, and it was obvious he had. 'How could he do that?' 'It's going to be awful when we land.' When we arrived in Australia, Mel and I got off the plane like zombies. Sunglasses on, heads down, we could barely speak. The future looked bleak. Tracey Edenshaw, who worked in the London office of our record company, was there to meet us. One of the kindest people at London Records, she saw instantly that Mel was in crisis and wrapped her arms tight around her. 'What's this then?' she asked. 'Anything I can do?' We told her about Mel's pregnancy. 'There's something else,' I said. Suddenly I was blurting it out. 'I'm pregnant too.' 'Nicole, that's wonderful,' she said. Tracey's immediate response was so warm and positive I burst into tears. 'It's fine,' she said. 'As long as you do your work, it doesn't matter if you have children. Bands work it out. It's not always possible to pick and choose the right time to have a baby. Things happen.' Traveling from the airport in a mini-van, talking to Tracey, I felt the first glimmer of hope since Mel's confession to john. Things might work out OK. At the hotel John called a band meeting in his room. Shaznay sat at the back, not engaging with anyone. 'I've called this meeting because the band is in danger of collapsing,' he said. 'Today Mel told me something which can only harm the band. I need to make it public. Mel says she's pregnant.' With that, Shaznay started screaming and screaming. 'I can't believe you're pregnant!' She spat the word at Mel. 'We're going to look so stupid. Have you thought about the responsibility?' I felt the blood thumping in my ears. My face was red and hot. I wanted to stand up, but I could not. I had to speak. Mel needed me. I was tearful, terrified. 'I'm pregnant too,' I said. The words were out and could never be taken back. John started to laugh, then he turned to me. 'I don't believe you,' he said. 'It's true.' I tried to make my voice strong. 'I'm pregnant too. We both are.' Shaznay started screaming again. It was frightening. I thought she was going to hit me. 'You idiot,' John said. 'Have you any idea what you've done?' 'Robbie Williams is a pop star,' he said. 'He'll probably be with someone else tomorrow and someone else the week after that.' Mel and I were both crying now, while Natalie looked on, open-mouthed. 'I would have expected this of Nicole,' Shaznay said, with all the contempt she could muster, 'but not of you, Melanie. I thought you had more sense.' It was Mel she was really furious with - her ally: Even at this point, when we were both guilty of the same All Saint betrayal, there was a hierarchy and I was at the bottom of it. All I wanted to do was go home. John turned to Natalie: 'You do realise your sister is making a big mistake, don't you? You won't escape its impact.' John called a meeting with Natalie. I do not know what he said to her, but I know she went in there as my loyal friend and came out convinced that our entire future depended on making me give up Rob's baby. I lay on my bed. I was so full of emotion, so drained of everything else. Jet lag added to the concoction and I longed so much for home. I telephoned Rob. He offered to arrange a flight home for me, but I wanted to finish the promotional tour. We had three days left. I could last that long. 'We're having this child,' Rob said. I loved the confidence in his voice. 'Nothing and no one can stop that.' Mel and I clung to each other and to our certainly, when we were together, that we were doing nothing wrong. She called me into her room. 'Promise me,' she said, 'whatever they say, you will remember you want to have this baby. Don't let them bully you into giving it up.' 'No way.' I was clear: I'I want this baby.' That night standing at Sydney Harbour, I felt closer to Mel than I had ever done. 'Stuff them,' we said, and made a bargain. 'We're having our kids.' The next day, at the record company, the Australian staff were very supportive. 'You'll make beautiful mothers,' they said. It was fantastic to return home to Rob, to someone who wanted this baby every bit as much as I did. We were very close at that time. We loved being around each other, planning ahead. Rob was buying a flat and he took me to see it. Standing outside, we looked up and he pointed to one of the front windows. 'That will be our baby's room,' he said. Rob took me to see his grandmother at her house in Stoke-on-Trent. She was very sweet, so happy for us. Rob put his hands on my belly and said, 'This baby is saving my life.' It was an answer for him, as reason for his life. If it was a girl, he said, we would call her Grace. He wrote a song about her, Grace. It's on his album I've Been Expecting You: 'Grace, I'm not yet born/Come embrace/A soul that's torn/I have so much to give you.' Mum was supportive of me, she wanted whatever I wanted, but one day I went to visit her and I could see she had been crying. 'The record company telephoned' she said, 'they told me you are making a big mistake and that Rob is bad news.' 'They telephone you?' 'Yes, they want me to help you change your mind, help you think about repercussions on you and Natalie.' 'I can't believe they involved my family,' I said. 'Are you sure, really sure you want to have this child?' Mum asked. I cried for hours on the couch that afternoon. Mum and Natalie tried to reason with me and soothe me. I wanted one person - just one person in my family - to tell me to do what was right for me. I felt so frustrated. No one but Rob and Mel understood what this baby meant to me. Why did I have to keep proving myself, keep avowing my right to live my life the way I wanted to? 'Don't make me choose between my child and this band,' I begged them. 'Not you, not my family.' A month after our return from Australia, we went to New York for a week. We were a band split in two halves: Mel and I in one camp; Shaznay and Natalie in the other. It all came to a head the next day. There were so many different agendas and excuses being thrown at me. But I really wanted to have Rob's baby. What was wrong with that? Everything, it seemed. I was called into a meeting in the record company offices while the others wandered around helping themselves to CDs and posters (one of the perks of the job). They wanted to talk to me about my pregnancy, and the meeting ended with the record company asking me - Did I want them to organise an abortion for me? They said that, if so, they could organise it for the very next day, and that it would be quick and easy - I would be in and out of the clinic the same day. I was speechless. Even the record company had an interest in my private life. After the weeks of pressure I had been under, I was so battered. I felt weak. The fight went out of me and I just gave in. Like a robot, I agreed to an appointment with a doctor. I was going though the motions. This was not what I wanted but I just had no fight left. A wave had been created and I felt I had no choice but to ride it - unconsciously and without choice or desire. Everyone else was bigger and more insistent than I was. I didn't have the energy, the wherewithal to fight them. John's assistant, Shiara, came into the room and sat down beside me. She put her arm around me. I knew she'd been sent in because she was a woman. She was perfect. As we left the building, I told Mel what had happened. 'You're not going through with it?' she asked. Her eyes were blazing. 'Tell me you're not going through with it, Nicole.' 'I'm confused,' I said. 'I don't know what's right any more. It's been made to seem really easy. We're a new band. It's a bad time' 'I don't believe you.' Mel was disappointed in me, and disgusted too. 'You want this baby. You have a right to it. Have you no spine? How can you do this? Mel walked away, she wouldn't talk to me. When I told Natalie about the abortion, she shrugged her shoulders. She didn't want to talk about it. Back at the apartment I telephoned Rob and told him what had happened. He was silent for a long time. 'I'm going to do it,' I told him. 'I'm going to have an abortion.' 'Are you sure that's what you want? He asked. I couldn't answer him. I didn't know. 'I'll support you whatever you decide,' he said. 'I'm flying out on Concorde. I'll be with you tomorrow morning.' We sat up all the next night in my bedroom talking. Rob was hugely supportive. I had been trying to hide my feelings, but with Rob I could be myself. 'I don't know whether I want to go through with it or not. Mel won't talk to me; she thinks I'm spineless.' Rob held me as I cried. It was the one time I wished for media intervention. 'I wish the press in England would find out I'm pregnant.' I said. 'Then no one could force me to do anything.' The next day, while the others all packed to return home, Rob and I met a doctor. He didn't know the first thing about me. He did not even ask about my blood type - I'm rhesus negative, which is rare. He was not interested. All he seemed concerned about was getting me in and out of his private clinic as quickly as possible. He asked perfunctory questions about my choice. Then he examined me. 'You're four months pregnant,' he said. I tried not to picture a four-month-old foetus. This was not a baby yet, this was an OK thing to do. Rob held my hand. I knew this was hard for him too. He was putting his feeling on hold to support me, but he was not an automaton. It hurt him. It was crushing us both. 'This is at a late stage,' said the doctor. 'If we don't do it now, it will be too late.' 'All right,' I said. It was not a proper decision. I was panicked. I no longer knew my own mind. I had lost confidence in my ability to stand up for myself and for my unborn child. At that point, I felt it would have taken superhuman energy to say no. 'It's a painless operation,' the doctor said. 'We'll keep you awake so you can return to work almost immediately.' Rob went to sit in the waiting room. The doctor led me into a tiny office and I sat in a chair like the ones at a dentist's. There was a big scanning machine on my left. 'You'll stay awake and sitting up throughout,' he said jovially. I looked across to the scanning machine. On it I saw something that looked like a small kidney bean. I wanted to say, 'No, no!' but it seemed impossible. 'There it is, the doctor said. He prodded the bean with a plastic flashlight and gave me an injection inside my vagina. 'This is to numb the area,' he said. Maybe the anaesthetic was too light or maybe my body was putting up its last fight for my baby, but the pain was excruciating. I felt as if I was going into labour. 'I can feel everything.' I gasped. 'Don't be ridiculous,' he said 'You're just imagining it.' It happened to quickly. I heard the vacuum-cleaner noise of the suction unit, saw its long plastic tube and I watched the bean move from one side of the screen to the other. It was gone - so quickly. I wanted the doctor off me. I should have stopped him. It was done. There was blood everywhere. My body felt raw and emptied. All I wanted was to see Rob. I wanted to weep and weep. I felt so sorry for myself, for the mess that was my life. Suddenly, horribly, I realised, with a clarity that rocked my entire body, what had happened. My baby was gone. I fainted. 'It's very common to faint,' I heard the nurse telling Rob as I came round. Rob passed me a glass of water to sip from, and two painkillers. 'I want to go home,' I said. Rob lifted me up. I was weak and in shock. I wanted to be as far as possible from that place and that doctor. Rob half-lifted, half-carried me outside to the record-company limousine and we drove back to the apartment. 'I can't believe what I've done,' I said over and over again. 'I want to kill myself. I want to die.' 'It's all right,' Rob said. 'It will pass, babe, you'll see.' 'We can't ever turn back the clock. It's irreversible,' I said. My stomach was cramping with labour pains. Rob gave me another painkiller and another swig of water. He was an angel, but I barely noticed him, I was too focused on my own pain, my own failure. I felt I had nothing that matter. The apartment at Trump Tower where we'd been staying looked empty, vacant. The others had packed up all their stuff, ready to leave on the afternoon flight to England. I was hoping someone would hug me, but they were running about, retrieving bottles of this and piles of that. I lay on the sofa. Rob put his arm around me. Nobody asked how I was. I listened to Shaznay talking about all the fabulous things she had bought during her shopping trip. Mel avoided my eyes. I wanted her to hug me, I wanted her, of all people, to understand. But she couldn't be near me. Natalie came into the room and gave me a hug. She was the only one who had the guts to come to me. 'Are you okay?' she asked. 'I feel terrible,' I said. She looked at my face. 'Does it hurt?' 'Yes, masses,' I replied. 'God, Nic. I'm so sorry.' Suddenly Natalie was crying. 'I didn't mean for this to happen to you. I didn't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry.' 'It's too late, Nat,' I said 'I love you, but I just want to be left along.' She got up off the couch. 'I'm in a lot of pain,' I said. 'I don't know what's been done to me. I don't blame you.' NATALIE When I saw Nic lying there in a foetal position on the couch, I realised fully what she had been through. I was instantly devastated about what had happened. She was pale, with huge dark shadows around her eyes. That's when the guilt began. I didn't stick up for her enough. I'd let my little sister down. When I asked her how she was, Nic put her arms up and hugged me. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. My jaw was trembling. There were no words for how sorry, how wretched I felt. It is a guilt I still live with. Some things can never be undone. NICOLE Within ten minutes, the place was bare. Natalie, Mel Shaznay, Shiara, John and the people from the record company had gone to catch the flight home. The room felt stark, lifeless. There was just Rob and me and this huge great emptiness. Then, only then, I found the strength in me that I'd have needed to say 'No,' to have fought for my rights. I could have stopped it, I should have stopped it. This was the beginning of torturing myself. It was the worst day of my life. Rob and I lay on the bed and held each other gently. The pain was sharp still, so acute. I couldn't forget what had happened even if I'd wanted to. We lay there together, cracking jokes, trying to lighten the atmosphere. It was horrible, uncomfortable, wrong. Before, we had plans, a future to look forward to with a child we had created. Now we had nothing. Just a dead thing between us. We no longer knew how to be with each other, what to say, how to stop the pain. Rob had wanted this baby. I replayed scenes of him touching my belly and saying 'You're saving my life.' I didn't know if he had forgiven me. To this day, I still don't know. The abortion must have symbolised everything he hated about how this business can control your life. It had so overwhelmed me that he had lost his child. We stayed the night in the apartment. We were restless and neither of us slept. The record company had booked us on a seven-hour flight to England, but that seemed impossible. What if I haemorraghed? Rob made a phone call and got us on to Concorde. The band were booked the following week to perform at a private concert in front of the Sultan of Brunei for princess Hamida's birthday. It was important that I was there. In the middle of it all, my work was a reason to put one foot in front of the other. When I got home I went straight to see my Mum and we cried together. 'Oh Nicole,' she said. 'I'm so sorry.' She felt my pain as her own. I knew that. It was a sweet relief to be around her, to have her hold me and love me. But back in London, in rehearsals, no one mentioned it. It was as if nothing had happened - my pregnancy, my abortion, my constant and overwhelming pain. I was thin and bleeding constantly. I looked in the mirror and I was grey. I had been told not to travel for two weeks but one week after I got back from New York, we flew to Brunei. The Royal Family had their own bowling alley, disco and amusement park. In the centre of it was a huge, beautifully lit fountain. We were each given gold carts to drive around in, which had London's Capital Radio playing inside, and our own mansion. It was like something out of a fairy tale; there was marble everywhere, even on the roads. The palace staff couldn't do enough for us. One day Shiara and I fell asleep by the pool. When we woke, we were surrounded by trays of our favourite food: cocktails, crisps and M & Ms. For her birthday, Princess Hamida was given a diamond the size of a bowl. One day, she took me driving in her custommade Ferrari. Once the company had made it, the family paid for the mould to be broken. We were performing alongside Janet Jackson and did two shows - one for the public and one for the princess. We had to meet in Janet Jackson's mansion to get our gifts. We each received a jewelencrusted watch. Mine was covered with emeralds and Natalie's with rubies. I tried to enjoy myself and hung out mainly with Shiara. After a few days, Mel flew off to meet her boyfriend Stuart, in Bali. We had barely spoken. When I got home I went for my after case check-up with a doctor in London. 'Something is wrong,' he said. 'I'm still bleeding and in pain. Am I dying?' 'Dying?' The Doctor was dismissive and cold. 'You're fine.' Looking back, I believe everyone's concern was that the doctor would confirm I was fit enough to perform with the band. What mattered was our success and ability to make money. I felt powerless. I was seen out partying all the time and earned a glamorous reputation but, in reality, I was drowning in sorrows I could not talk about. I'd be out with people, wanting to tell them what had happened, but I couldn't. I was silenced by my fear of the record company. No one wanted to talk about it. I felt I'd let Rob down, so I couldn't talk to him either. I remembered how good I had felt when I was pregnant. He told me I was saving his life and I'd betrayed his trust. We were fantastically busy, but I was still bleeding. There was something very wrong with me. I lost two stone in weight. I went to see another doctor, and then another. I had thyroid tests and an HIV test. Everything came back negative. Months after the abortion, a large, bloody clump fell out of my body. Horrified, I put it in a jar and took it to a doctor that Mum found for me. When she looked at the contents of the jar and listened to my story, she was silent. Afterwards I could see she was in shock. These are tissues that have been left behind,' she said. 'Your abortion was incomplete. How come it took you so long to visit a doctor?' I thought of all the times Rob and I had sat in doctors' offices only to be told I was malingering when, all the time, the abortion was incomplete. I started to cry now, a mixture of fury, relief and blind pain. 'I knew something was badly wrong, but no one would listen to me,' I said. 'This explains why you have been feeling so ill,' the doctor said. She was furious. 'This is why you are losing so much weight. Your body is having to flush itself out.' She did tests and asked questions about my blood type and symptoms. 'Before the operation, did they give you a rhesus injection?' she asked. 'They didn't even ask what my blood type was,' I said. The doctor was appalled. 'It's a standard procedure,' she said. 'For your rare blood type, you needed the injection to protect any future foetus. It could have caused an infection in your womb.' 'What does that mean?' I asked. 'At worst,' she said, 'it could mean you might not be able to have a child.' I was horrified, violated by what I felt was the power of an industry that leads a woman to sacrifice her child to keep a band together. My life had been in the hands of a doctor who had taken less care of it than he would a stray dog's. In consultation with this doctor, I realised that at four months I was too far gone for the procedure that the doctor had implemented. I required an altogether different operation - but it would have taken longer and I would have been more ill afterwards. There would have been no way I could have returned to work so soon. 'What about counselling?' the doctor asked. 'Were you offered any counselling to help you cope with the emotional trauma of having an abortion?' 'No,' I said. 'All that was important was that it was hushed up.' I needed answers. When I got home, I called the doctor in New York. 'I need to see my medical records.' I said. 'I'll see what I can do,' he replied. He called me back several hours later. 'I'm sorry to inform you,' he said, 'But all your files were lost.' No lost: eradicated. They did not want me or anyone else to know the truth. Shortly afterwards, the news broke that Scary Spice was pregnant and then Posh Spice. They were seen as 'girls' - carefree, single and wild - yet the news was greeted with delight. Two of the Spice Girls were pregnant - congratulations! Two pregnancies in the same band. For the first time, I wished I was in their band. No one knew what I'd sacrificed and, as time went on, I realised nobody cared. Mel said that if they pressured her to abort her baby, she would leave the band. And, somehow, her defiance, her certainty, made it OK with everyone, even Shaznay. I watched Mel's stomach grow, heard her excitement, watched the support she received. I used to rub her tummy, feel her baby kick. Mel didn't feel guilty. She stood by her word and she was proud of it. 'You're an idiot,' she said. And she was right.