| When I was 13 (about 4 years ago), I started having problems with my parents. I was growing up, and they weren't ready. I found out that I wasn't exactly ready either. I was going out with this guy at the time who I loved and deeply cared about, and who felt the same towards me. We had been dating for over a year when my parents starting getting worried that it was too serious. So they tried to cut off all communications between us, except for when we saw each other at church. I was crushed, I felt so alone. And most of all, I was angry and hurt. I was also struggling with anorexia at this time, and after my parents decision, it only got worse. And so one day in Decemeber of 2001 I decided to cut. I had a few guy friends who cut so it wasn't foreign to me. They would tell me how it helped ease the pain, and so I decided to try it. At first it seemed crazy that I would cause myself physical pain, but after time it almost made sense to cause outward pain to keep my mind off of inward pain. So things continued to get worse with my parents and boyfriend, and so I continued to cut more and more. I started wearing bracelets to hid me wrists from friends. I would make up stories about accidently cutting myself w/a bracelet or something. At first they believed me, but after time they saw signs of depression. So in April of 2001, my boyfriend broke up with me. It just made things worse. I wasin so deep that the only place to go was farther down. I continued cutting, and by now teachers and friends confronted me about being sad and constantly negative and depressed. I denied it all saying it was just teenage stuff. My parents weren't buying that though. THey tried to talk to me, but i was too angry with them to let them in. Throughout all this, I also was taking painkillers, and they started messing up my stomach. One night at youth group I had gone without eating for a week, and had taken about 10 prescription painkillers...that was a BAD idea! After the service my friends were so concerned that they pretty much begged me to talk to my youth pastor. He was like a second father to me, and I loved him dearly. He suspected that I was messing around with anorexia, but he never confronted me about it. So after the service, he asked if I wanted to talk. I was so upset that I just broke down crying and ended uptelling him how I was so depressed and hurt that sometimes I just wanted to die. I told him how badly my father and I got along, and how his judgements hurt me. I told him how my parents not trusting me with a boyfriend broke me heart. I basically told him everything inside, but I didn't admit to cutting, taking drugs, or anorexia because I knew that he'd probably have to tell my parents. At that point, my dad didn't like my youth pastor because he felt that I trusted him more than my own dad, and honestly, I did. So I didn't want my dad to think that my youth pastor had any fault in this. So by June, things were looking up a little. I wasn't cutting that often, and I was writing poetry instead of huting myself everyday. That is truly one blessing that came out of cutting, I started writing poetry, I poured out my heart on paper. It was an amazing way of coping, and I'm so thankful for that gift. So June came, and i went to my church's summer camp. My boyfriend and I were getting along a lot better, and were kind of getting back together, so that made a big difference. But I was still tempted with cutting. My boyfriend was a cutter too, even worse than me. So at this camp we made a promies to quit. One the second day of the camp I knew i had to do something to make a realy commitment though. So together, my boyfriend and I went to talk to my youth pastor, and we gave him our blades, no questions asked, and spetn 20 minutes praying together. It was truly beautiful. After that, I've never felt the urge to cut. I think God used my youth pastor to help me feel comfortable with admitting my problems and getting help. He never judged me, he just loved me. He cared about me, no matter how imperfect I was. He showed me that if he loved me through all of my bad times, how much more does God love me no matter what?!! Since then I've dealt with taking drugs. I've figured out how pointless they truly are. And as far as anorexia goes, I'm recovering from it beautifully. I've never felt this freedom before. I've been through some really rough times the past year or two. My grandmother died, and she was like my second mom. I trusted and loved her more than anybody. My youth pastor moved away, and since then I haven't felt that close to my church. My boyfriend moved away and broke up with me after 3 years and 9 months. That was probably the biggest loss I've suffered, and I still deal with the after effects. And my mom was diagnosed with cancer and has been through chemo, radiation, and 2 surgeries. But through it all, I've come out pretty well, if I may say so myself. I've had the best friends through all of it. They have supported me through every single downfall, and have rejoiced with me through all the victories. My parents and I have grown much closer, and they now trust me more than ever. I hope to never lose that trust. It's worth so much. But most of all, I've learned to love myself, accept my faults, and to keep on moving. God has been wonderful to me. He's blessed me with the best people to help guide me through. He's taken care of me even when I wouldn't take care of myself. He's allowed me to heal through art and poetry. He's just an amazing Father, and I love Him with all of my heart. The most valuable lesson I've learned, after many mistakes, is that you must love yourself and depend upon God and yourself first, because when you depend on other to fix you, it just pulls them down with you, and you will be dissapointed. And there is life after the ultimate heartache. I've been to the bottom, I've hit my lowest low, and I've made it through. God has blessed me with new friends who have given me hope, and confidence to become a better person. I've accepted myself, and I feel as if I have bloomed. This is freedom, this is joy, this is life and I truly LOVE it! |