| rccar328's story |
| When I was 20 years old (2 years ago this last December 15), I moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico. My family had moved a few months earlier, but I stayed home to finish out the quarter at school. I thought that the move would be good for me - a chance to make a fresh start & get out of some sin I'd been living in. Boy, was I wrong. My younger brother and I never got along - he always knew just which buttons to push to get me mad, and he pushed them as frequently as possible. He always drove me up the wall, and I always tried to avoid him whenever possible. My parents had told me, though, that he was having a tough time adapting to a new city & was kind of down. And with my dad traveling for his new job & my brother without a car, I though it would be my chance to be a big brother. Wrong again. Finally, I thought I'd have a chance to reconcile with my parents (whom I've not really gotten along with, either), but with my dad gone all of the time and my mom more worried about finances and my younger brother, I turned out to be wrong again. At this time, I was a sophomore in college. I had left a part time job as a youth minister's assistant and many (about 40-50) friends in the youth group. The vital thing for me was that I used my position in the church to justify my sin. I figured that working at a church made me a good enough person that my sin was okay. I was into pornagraphy at that time, but justified it in my mind. In Albuquerque, though, I had no such justification. I tried to find a job at a church, but the demand wasn't there. I went to school, went to work, and continued in my life of sin. but without my justification (which really didn't do much of anything but make me feel better), I felt as though I'd turned my back on God (which I had). The worst part was that I felt that God wouldn't accept me back because of my hypocracy. That is what got me started with cutting - I felt that I had no family, no friends, and no God. I was depressed, My brother still took every available opportunity to aggrivate me, but my parents expected me to treat him like a little angel (or at least, like a loving brother). I felt as if I'd left my entire life behind, and all I had left was a school where I knew no one and an empty depressing job as a stocker at a pet store. So I started cutting. I have no idea how the idea first came to me to drag a blade across my skin. If you'd asked about it six months earlier I would've though it was crazy and disgusting. But the physical pain somehow made my emotional & mental pain seem that much less. I always cut my arms - it was the only place I ever wanted to cut, and it was pretty easy to hide - I'd cut my upper arms in the summer (short sleeve season) and my whole arms when it was cold enough to wear long sleeves. To make a long story short, my life was a mess. I was still looking at porn, I was sneaking booze from my parent's liquor cabinet, and cutting myself every change I got. Finally, it was too much. In a flash of perspective, I saw how screwed up my life really was. The problem was, I didn't know what to do about it. So, after work one day, I went and bought a bottle of pills. I was sitting there that night getting ready to do it. I'd contemplated suicide before, but never gone through with it. But this time I was ready. I was resolved. And I know that if God hadn't stopped me I wouldn't be talking to you now. But God did stop me - through three words: "Make it work." They suddenly popped into my head out of nowhere, just as I was getting ready to open the bottle. And then, like a flash of enlightenment, I saw how I could turn my life around. Six months later, I'd saved up enough money to move back home on my own. I lived with some friends for a few months until I found (or, rather, God gave me...but that's another story for another time) a job & and apartment. It's been about 2 years now. I stopped cutting shortly after I moved back, mainly because I could see that my life wasn't that bad, and that with God and my friends, I could turn my life around. And I have. I've been working two jobs and going to school. My struggle with pornagraphy continues, but I've been clean from that and cutting for some time now. I'm starting a youth ministry job next week, and I know that with God and the accountability of great friends I'll be able to keep from falling into the trap of using church to justify my sins. If you ever feel like cutting I can't tell you enough that it's just not worth it. Find some activity you can do instead of hurting yourself. Open your Bible and read. Pray to God. Trust me, no matter how lonely you feel, He is listening. He showed up for me in the last place I expected him to. Find someone to talk to. A pastor. A teacher. A counselor. A friend. Look for the good in your life. Even if it seems empty, there is always some good somewhere! |