| Exerpts from my journal while in Guinea, Africa |
| 8 January 2005 I flew from Albuquerque to Chicago first of all, Jono had dropped me off in Santa Fe at the Park & Ride. The flight was fine I wish I had taken a picture of the clouds over Chicago they were wonderful. The Chicago airport was large and overpopulated, I saw Afia Walking Tree there. From Chicago I went to Brussels and I sat next to a woman from Germany who enjoyed talking about travel and culture. She was interested in African dance, she wanted to know about New Mexico and she's been to Belize which she recommends going there for English-speaking folks. She saw my Puss N Boots watch and said that it was very familiar to a German children's cartoon. In Brussels there was plenty of English around the airport. (Plus I saw the houses from the plane and they all were wonderful, looked like gingerbread houses). I used the airport restroom which has stalls that looked like closets. I noticed too with the landscape that the streets were not all straight, they curved with the land. There were paintings on the airport wall depicting Belgium culture. There were photos every yard or so that had the same quote: "Belgium, the heart of Europe." ....... .......The plane was filled it is the biggest plane I"ve flown in.....Forgot, on the way to Brussels the flight attendants spoke English, French and Creole (form of Dutch of some sorts) and on the way to Conakry the flight attendants spoke French and English. I sat next to a boy one year younger than me and I loved the way he smelled. His stink, sweat, skin and clothes wonderful. We stopped in Senegal before hitting Conakry, more than half the people on board left. .............The flight from Senegal to Conakry was good, it looked like the city was poor. I glanced at the ocean before we flew too high. I did notice in SEnegal and Conakry the different landscape, the grass and trees and people were all wonderful and different. Stepping off the plane in Conakry was relieving the humidity was high and we had to take a shuttle to the front of the airport. Once off the shuttle, I saw a man holding a sign that read "Fore-Fote" so I communicated that I was going there and after some confusion he led me to an entrance where people take me passport and embarkment/ disembarkment papers. I sat in a room with other folks who were going through the same process. The room had many different sized green couches and two televisions running. One looked like an entertaining TV program with a woman dancing and djembe playes in the back, the other looked like a talent show specifically for a politician. After about 20 minutes or so I was led out and there was Afia waiting for and she ahd luggage. Only problem was that they had grabbed someone else's instead of mine so we went back to the luggage area and the guy who had taken my bag stub wouldn't give it back and he thought I only had one bag, so after some folks argued I got my bag and there were about seven extra fools hanging around to "help" but they just need money. We didn't know who to trust excep for one guy and he led us to a car whee we put our bags in and got inside. We waited for about five minutes while the guys argued about who should paid for "helping us and then Ryan showed up, who was supposed to pick us up from the airport in the first place, and I think Afia and I were both relieved. We headed towards a place to stay for the night because taking the boat at night was not safe. On the way there I got to see much of the city. It's very poor; the housing, the streets, the people. We got to our location after about 20 minuts of driving and stepped into a sort of "village". It was a safe place and much of Dibo's family lives there. Dibo is the man who runs the camp. We met lots of great folks. We ate some wonderful food. We put our stuff in a cozy little space: a bed, sitting area and bathroom. I took a much needed shower and then we went out to find a place to dance!! We must have walked around for more than a half hour (which felt good because a day in a plane is no fun) and then we found a place. On the way there there were folks everywhere on the streets, it stank like trash (which was everywhere) and waste, the housing was all in shacks, most palces that were really lit up were gas stations, folks were busy making things and selling food...this is all about 10:30pm. I saw a banyan tree!! Ok, so there were eight of us total. Ruan and his fiance, Leslie and her husband, me and Afia, and two other boys. We found a night club that cost about 2000 Guinean Francs a piece and went inside. It had day-glo art everywhere, a cool dance floor, a cool sitting area and a DJ who was playing African dance music, like with a techno beat. We all danced for a couple of hours it was fun and very hilarious, my first night in Africa and I'm dancing in a bar!! It was funny too because they had mirros everywhere because people really enjoyed watching themselves dance. Ok, so after that we went home and I am exhausted especially because of the time exchange. |
| 9 January 2005 The bed we slept in was roomy enough for both of us, it was firm with flat pillows. I work up around 9:30a then enjoyed an orange and some wheat grass. Me, Afia and two of Dibo's brothers went walking around Conakry. It was Beautiful. So many people just walking around, the street were filthy, kids playing, folks doing laundry, guys playing soccer. At the house I ate some mangoes..... .......It's so humid here, the air feels stinky like recycling trash and there are lizards who crawl all over, they croak apparently. // ........We just got back from exchanging U.S. currency for Guinea Francs, checked email but will go back because the system went down, and Ryan got ice cream. Today is Sunday and we are staying next to a Muslim mosque which was in service today. I remember too tis humidity in New Orleans. I also feel that the one ting that was more of a culture shock to me was the languge. Here there is Susu and French. A select few have broekn English. I am also in wonder and amazement how people here do what they do. I mean it's wondrful to see another way of life...and in Conakry there is a melding of new western/hip-hop progressive attitude and traditional living. And eating oranges here is a trip. First they are sold with the peel off but pith still in tact. Second you bitt off an end. Third you just suck out the juices then discard. Mangoes...I saw a man with a very long stick getting mangoes from a tree. A wagon full of pineapples. And loads of spanish peanuts. Forgot to mention that all the women wore lapas, skirts, dresses, or some sort of feminine attire except at night I saw in the clubs. This afternoon we all hung out at the bank until Dibo got in to Conakry so we could leave for Roume. When it was time to leave we packed our bags, followed folks into a taxi and drove to the boat dock. It was packed with folks; all over sitting around, standing around, making deals, selling stuff, taking showers, waiting. We all waited for about half an hour and bu then it was geting pretty dark. The boat was a large canoe with a small motor; it held our baggage, food and about 12 folks. The ride on the Atlantic Ocean to the island was in smog and night was falling, it took around an hour. It was really magical, I love the humidity and ocean (or at least the water), the stars, the boat, the languages, the smells and the sounds. When we got to the island it was pure darkness with only flashlights to help us. It wasn't far at all to walk to the actual camp, about 30 yards or so. It took awhile for the folks in charge to get our spaces ready. Spaking of which I forgot that the attitude here is of community. We are being treated like one of the family and the way they treat others seems to be either out of survival or of community. There also seems to be an interest in speaking English for folks but I really enjoy the Susu language, the way that these folks play their drums and dance is one expressoin taken from the language, it's Beautiful!! ....... .......so now as far as we all know there are only three folks taking the workshop but many folks who will be joining in from Dibo's family. Ok, so we are settled in now after eating and I got a pesonalized shoulder massage and finger stretch from Dibo's brother. Ok out of ten rooms Afia and I are sharing one with bunk beds. .....hey I'm in Africa!! |
| 10 January 2005 Last night I had troubles with my thoughts because I think I wanted to leave because I was scared and I think it was really fear of change which I'm excited I can feel. Already I know this experience is changing me. Before getting out of bed I heard roosters but it was still dark, then I heard a voice singing loud then I went back to sleep. I woke up again hearing roosters then voies starting the day so I got up. So Beautiful next to the ocean, so warm, the sound of the waves was a sweet way to greet the morning. Last night birds were noisy but this morning softly-spoken birds are awake, I think I heard my favorite bird too: a mourning dove. // Just got back from dance class and drumming in the village and Isaw Corinna from Santa Fe!! I knew she was taking a workshop here in Guinea but she's right next door, funny. Dance was fun as hell though it's taking a bit to warm my body up. Drum was excellent I caught on quick and the rhythm was easy enough. // We had another dance "class" and drum, took a short nap and we played/danced the same rhythm. Taking a shower was phenomenal!! It felt so damn good and the way showers are taken makes me appreciate where I live and makes me want to conserve and appreciate the water in the U.S. We went to the village again (where we danced/drummed) and ate dinner. They're taking pretty good care of me as far as raw foods go. Afterwards, the guys who were playing for us during dance played after dinner too. People were dancing, folks all gathered outside on the open porch, kids were all watching (especially us) and we all enjoyed just listening. There is man here I met his name is Mohmed and he speaks pretty good English (broken) and he is going to the U.S. to see his wife who is doctor in Oregon. It's so strange, I think a lot of Guineans marry travellers and I wouldn't blame the travellers because everybody is so damn Beautiful and friendly. |
| 11 January 2005 Today we finished the dance for Soko and it comes from the Melenge tribe and it's a song for celebrating circumcisn. And...another very interesting thing happened today. A 25 year old Guinean man named Jack confessed he liked me and I'm the woman he's waited for to be his wife. Ok first of all there is a huge reputation for Guinean men to marry white women because they are "fresh meat" perhaps with money and offer a change to leave this country, but good love does happen. ..............After drum and dance Afia, Gene, Tanya and I walked to the other side of the island which was only a ten minute walk. |
| 12 January 2005 Wow...my body is adapting so well to dancing so much and my hands do not hurt from drumming so much in fact my technique is getting good and it feels really good to play. Plus I am catching onto the rhythms quickly on drum (it's still challenging) abd dance is still fun as hell and I can feel more energy coming to me through the Earth into my body. And afew things we were talking about at the table during lunch: conspiracy theories concerning the tsunami, there seems to be active telepathy going on here, the island of Roume being not as traditional as inner Guinea (the culture of Guineans still hidden), the acts of sexism. Table conversation during dinner: Afria being a player, Gene being an important part of our Fore-Fote group, more telepathy, Tanya giving more insight from her travels. It's funny how we all are sharing our experiences and insights because we have a common language and we have simliar interest with dance and drum. It's wonderful like four freaky travelers coming together in Africa, we were meant to meet and share this experience. It's so crazy I am feeling like I don't have a past here and I'm adapting strangely well even there is a barrier with language. // Just got back from a performance at a bar (outside it) here on the island. I told Jack today that we were just friends like brother and sister, as best as I could so hopefully he understood. There are so many damn talented folks here on the island and I know that you have to work hard and dedicate to studying your art form if you want to leave Africa. Makes me think about my own happiness and interests. I also understand at this moment and maybe from being on Roume that speaking to myself "you know you're hot don't forget what you got". Because I've always looked back thought DAMN I really had something to say or DAMN that art was pretty good or DAMN I sounded amazing. Yes I'm starting to understand my own Perfection and Beauty instead of dwelling on what I didn't understand or like while exploring the crevices of my own fear and mystery. Oh, and I just noticed today that there are no mirrors and people see the reflection of themselves through others......... .........being here makes me thing about my Self differently on a better level........ I'm actually experiencing it. It's Wonderful!! ............I want to carry this experience with me in a great way to share the Beauty that I have been given. I am very thankful right now. I was drawn here for a purpose, I allowed myself to go through a bit of struggle to get here, I knew this was an important opportunity. ...........Right now I am Blessed in so many ways and I am so very happy to have this gift of life. For some reason too I want to stress that nothing really is a secret and I can't let go of the idea here that telepathy is means of communication. |
| 13 January 2005 I had a funny dream last night. I dreampt I was going to be in Africa for only one week (or I had been) and then I went back to Sidney for the weekend where I saw my dad, Shane Strouse, Melissa Severson, and other familiar folks. I had been looking for a place to stay the night because I was too tired and cold to ride my bike home with all the stuff I had. Then after the weekend I was going to go back to Guinea. Oh, and this is great. I LOVE the fact that I'm waking up every morning at about the same time (7:30) because I am familiar with the "natural" sounds, the rooster calling, the voices singing, the sweeping, the birds, the waves, the talking. I absolutely adore it!! // So I guess the whole island had a night full of dreams. // Afia and I had a really good conversation, a "deep" conversation and I know I am going in a good direction. And I also had more insight knowing that the three other folks I'm getting to know are all important. Also, astrology was being talked about at the table and Afia was giving us insight about our signs. Ok, so I just about had a heart attack because there was a big big ass spider in our room and a big strong African man killed it for us, Africa: "we are in Africa!!" And I don't know if I mentioned this but I feel a sense of power being shown to me and I am willing to say now to stand to it and hear what it has to say because I know I am always willing to learn and grow. Oh, so far this is so intense and I live here I am in Africa!! You know, this time was meant to come I just had to have the courage to set my own mind and body in motion. .......... How Blessed am I!!, to be in Africa studying drum and dance!! |
| 14 January 2005 I had a dream last night about two things: about Jake Morrill dying and about talking to Sarah Wick about working at anothe place. I accepted the offer of the job and at the funeral I saw my dad, my aunt Margaret, my cousin Kathy and her kids, and my aunts Lucy & Connie. |
| 15 January 2005 Last night we all went to Conakry to watch musicians play at Dibo's brothers' house. We traveled by van from the port probably two hours and bu the time we got to the house, I was nausiated from the pollution. Also on the way there (the van was packed with about 15 people) the musicians played and sang. I love the traffic here, there are no real lanes, there is no real speed limit, everybody used their horn, and they don't really stop for pedestrians. The party started late and there were about 50 folks there, most of them part of the family. The musicians all played specific songs for the workshop folks and since this is their livelyhood we were expected to pay them. We all (three) slept in the same room (Afia, Gene and me) pretty well then in the morning took a taxi back to the dock. Ugh....I almost yarfed from the ride. There are people on the street constantly, people selling anyting, antying to get money, lots of pollution, lots of trash everywhere, no real sanitation. Jack is always hanging on me but there's something Afia said that made me look at it differently-just surrender yourself to it, he already loves you unconditionally so accept it. ............... |
| 16 January 2005 ...........The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer. // Tanya and swam to the isladn about 1/4 mile away from Roume. Whew!! Salty water (HEY!! it was the Atlantic Ocean!!), no fish, we made it there then danced on the rocks and swam back. Man, that was awesome. There are also some big hills (perhaps referred to as mountains) and that will be our next venture. Also last night Ryan, his fiance, Lyndsey, her husband, two women and their delegate came to the island. Today it was so good to have that energy with us. So according to Lyndsey last time at camp in March 3 out of 5 people who attended got married!! Ugh...I think they're going to change the name of the camp to fit the trend. :) |
| 17 January 2005 Ok, so last night I felt terrible. A fever, a headache, body ache, stomach cramp. Afia and Tanya took care of me with stomach pills and fever pills. It's funny I've had dreams with two same people lately, my ex-boyfriend Mike and my dad. // It's late afernoon now and I feel alot better from last night. I went to dance class but had little energy. Drum class was alright, there's a new teacher this week and I don't like his style. He keeps changing what he teaches and he shows off and he bickers with the dun players. The only things bothering me now are my slight headache and my body aches. I wake up thinkg - I'm in Afria...I live in Africa...I've been here more than a week now...I will be here for about two more. And I miss my friends, home in Santa Fe. I can't wait to get back. But right now this is how I live. This is how all these people in Guinea live and it's amazing!! |
| 18 January 2005 Last night in my dream I saw Sheila, Shanti and Beka. I feel like I have been dreaming more about people in my life rather than situations. I wonder why? My body is feeling a bit better today. Last night I had trouble sleepoing ecause it was so hot but early this morning there was a great breeze. My body still aches and my stomach is a little tense. // Whew!! Great conversation at dinner tonight. The four of us are like the four directions. I like the talks that Afia and I have before going to sleep. Ready to pass out, me on the top bunk and her on the bottom, we can't see each other just liten. |
| 19 January 2005 Last night I remember dreaming about drumming with these women from Santa Fe, we were in a rock band opening up for Heart. The concert venue was attached to a restaurant and there I saw Briget, Suzanna, and Stephanie Berg. There are some issues on my mind that I have been wanting to resolve. --> Why am I here in Africa? (what lessons do I need to learn) --> Why are these three folks in my life? --> What is the significance of Afia? --> Where is this Africa experience leading to as far as my music is concerned? --> What is my mission, specifically? |
| 20 January 2005 This morning at 6:00 we all were here about eight of us woke up the village by taking our drums from place to place. Today is a Muslim holiday and they will be slaughtering goats. ..........After breakfast Tanya layed out a deck of angel cards face down that had one word on each and we were all told to close our eyes and think about anything then pick up a card. I had an image of Africa in my mind and chose two cards: LOVE and FREEDOM. // Gene, Afia, Corinna, Tanya and I climbed on of the island "mountains" today it was a great climb lots of volcanic rock easy to grip then down to the beach for a quick swim. Tonight was festive more playing (for the master drummers) and dancing for everybody. There is something that Afia said that keeps me wondering about my personal process of unfolding. She is in the works of helping herself and others end internal oppression. that's me I can feel it. I start tensing up during certain situations that I really want to let go for but I hold my self back maybe from past trauma or frear or shyness I can't say but I want to get through that!! And I'm here. Right now I must remember that I am on the Motherland right now. that I can cry and release and give and receive more than, in certain ways, on Turtle Island. ..............Namaste. |
| 21 January 2005 yes it's true but still a quote from Tanya :"Dear Diary, today Tanya and Afia had a full on war." It was just a misunderstanding leaving Tanya confused and Afia crying. Picked three angel cards today: FLEXIBILITY, JOY & HEALING. I was thinking about life, the world in general. // Todays was our last dance class with the three other women in the village. Next week we might have other dance instructors for the week I'm not sure, this was also the last day with Sila our drum instructor for the week. Next week might be Dibo again. Well I made it another drum and dance in Africa. It's amazing how strong I've realized my mind and body can realy be and I am still alive I am still here for a reason and in orderto move in the direction that I wish to go in my life I know I need this experience...and many many more!! To learn and grow so much is here for me to recieve and give. I should give more because I have been give so much!! |
| 22 January 2005 I want to appreciate every day. |
| 23 January 2005 Yesterday Afia, Lamine, Gene and I went to Conakry to run errands. All I did was mail postcards, buy tapes and lapa material, check email and then to the tailor to make lapas. What a crazy day...I learned the art of negotiating prices, learned how to say "no" a dozen times. We ended up leaving in the evening after spending most of the day there. The boat ride was nice I layed down on one of the sitting boards and watched the moon, listened to the ocean. When we got back we ate and then went to watch Jack perform with his ballet group. Jack was lead drummer with three other dun guys and the ballet was about 9 girls about 14 years old who performed African dance. It was great and I saw Jack in a different way. He seems really focused, dedicated and thoughtful about being what it takes to be a performing musician out of Africa. Wow, and now starting the last week here. It feels both like time flew by and stood still. I've been thinking about how it's going to be when I go back to Santa Fe. And also not tearing myself away from here yet and enjoying being here while still trying to understand all of the wonderful reasons why I am here. // Today went swimming at the beach with Gene and Tanya, played some frisbee too got a burn. And a boy was having trouble swimming so Tanya jumped in to pull him back to the shore then I jumped in but the tide was so strong. An Italian man ended up coming to all our rescue thank goodness. I couldn't believe today I learned alot from the ocean, never before have I experienced the ocean like that it was pullingn and pushing and breathing wonderful rhythms. |
| 24 January 2005 Today's angel astrology: SIMPLICITY & COMMUNICATION. // Thinking about a good thinkg that I am learning here, about the village the collective the family the circle the group the friends. The village or the people here do not only act as many individuals but also as one. They look out for one another; brother and sisters, mamis and papis, cousins and uncles, aunts and children. It's really opening my mind about the people who are in my life, whether it be at home with roommtes, at school, at work, playing music, in the store, in traffic, with family, with friends. The village. I made it through Monday, a new dance teacher Sousah taught us Yamama and some of Sorsonet. The only thing I didn't fully enjoy about the classes were the solo circles at the end. I don't really enjoy soloing for anything. The only thing that comes to mind to balance out my fear and frustration is something I read about, a woman's adventure in Australia with Aborigines. She had an experience with the group she was with, learning this time about leadership. The group had decided it was her turn to lead because everyone gets a chance to lead even if they are not leaders. They spent two or three days walking under her leadership in the desert without water and she was desperate to find it but they never carried water and there was none in sight. Finally she focused on being water and already having it available. So it happened that they found it and her test with leadership was over. This story makes me feel OK about just being comfortable and strong about who I am and my role in the village. I do sometimes feel like I want to be leader but I know my strengths lie elsewhere and I can lead at what I am best at. Wow, only four active days left in Africa. Oh yes, and something else that I am learning about; doing my best. Everyday we do drum and dance and I am tired from the heat, or eating, or working hard, or whatever and I could give just the smallest amount of effort to get through the day but I want more than that. I want to push myself and give more than the lesson before and learn more than the lesson before. It's kind of like going further than leaving things the way you found them. It's making it better than how you found it. It's using this Blessed day as one more chance for better choices. And I do know that I live with fear and hold back alot but I am learning and what I am doing is OK. I think that's a big one too. To know that I am OK to know that what I admire may just be that, admiration. and that's OK. I don't know, just to start focusing on my own strengths instead of the weaknesses is way OK......... |
| 25 January 2005 Last night my bicycle was in my dream, my middle school, my dad and balancing on the edge of a building. This morning there was an argument with the village folks about who was getting on the boat and there ended up being a fight and a man was beaten (not badly) and placed in the boat, he was fighting it and I don't know why. The people he was leaving seemed happier....... // Again today fear took hold of me in the solo circle. My mind flashed back to when I was younger and my family had great social gatherings lots of food, music, dancing and fun but I never danced because I was scared and embarrassed and fearful for reasons I'm not sure about but the feeling of being pressured in to doing something I didn't want to do came back. I mean I would love to dance in the solo circle, to have that confidence but my mind gets blocked and I lock up inside I forget how to dance when I'm the only one or I hold back or I get scared or I tense up or I bring myself into negative thought. I don't know. I am tired today and ....I miss Santa Fe and the people and my friends and school and Siddha.....Ok so maybe it's that my time is up here. I've been thinking maybe I should've only taken two weeks here, but I wanted to take the advantage of having the opportunity to be in Africa for three weeks. I think it may be that I am mostly hanging out with the other three folks and consumed with drum and dance class. I don't know. Right now all I want to do is go home.......// Well something happened to switch gears in my mind a bit about beings so unhappy here. I think I just pushed myself a little in the gratitude direction. Also, drum and dance classes in the afternoon are coming together. Especially in dance I am the front person because I've memorized the Yamama steps and and most of the new steps come easier for me this time around, so I am taking the responsibility to know them in order to lead the others who struggle with them. Also today I told myself that HEY!! I'm in Africa and I can swim in the ocean and I'm on an island and I have a tan and I am surrounded by music all day and the people here are wonderful and the moon is full and there is a boy here who adores me and I am friends with amazing folks and I rarely wear shoes and I thnk and all of these things are Beautiful Beautiful things!! I definately want to travel more, I imagine mostly for music or Siddha or bicycling because I don't want to just for the sake of tourism. There's also a part of me that wants to help others but maybe that will come through music, spirituality, bicycles or the environment. Yay!! all of the things that make me happy. There's also a part of me that is stuck between my current job situation and wanting to do something that I really care about. I don't know.........// Full moon tonight instensified my emotions today and good insights about really being aware of absolutely everything.........Things are really focused and more clear you know and I can see things working in a whole instead of seeing just one thing, I see everything working together. So I am trying to stay in that awareness. .....And hey I am still in Africa!! How funny. |
| 26 January 2005 Last night I had a crazy dream, waking up after dreaming that I had been crying really hard about a film tribute to a cat that had been murdered by two boys who were just having fun. It tore me up, I was in a theater with lots of other people but they were just watching. I felt good to cry. Aslo I dreampt about having dinner with Suzanna and her family, my mom was there and a few other folks I knew. This morning the tide is high and it's a bit warm. Did I mention there were goats in the village, and birds that are black with a white horizontal stripe on its breast, and fresh mango/pineapple/banana, and sand everywhere, and I still wake up to nature, and children swim without clothes, and children play on their own without adults watching, and women work hard all day, and men sleep alot but respect women, and there there is no electricity, and the languages on the island are Susu and French, and thre are chickens everywhere, and people bicker like chickens. I was thinking about how I'm putting the pieces together about love, unconditional love. That I am now more than every understanding a person just loving another like I have done so many times but now I am recieving that love instead of giving it and I am learning something about that more than love itself. The balance between giving and recieving anything is something I've longed to learn about and this is givng me a change and I can reflect on the past as well and learn and try to understand the present. And I feel better about being here, although I do ache for Santa Fe I know it will be here soon enough. Just to appreciate my time here now is a struggle for me. FREEDOM. // Today I got sick again; this time in my throat, a runny nose, achey body, and fever. I took echinacea throat spray, emergenC, and ibuprofen. Skipped drum and dance class in the afternoon and tried to rest, I feel a little better. Gene is sick now too but with something else. Today Afia reminded me of something that stays in the back of my mind. She keeps telling me that I am talented, innovative, an inventor and a leader. All of these things I now and understand to be a part of me but I am so fearful of being them. I have no idea to to get there but I want to be there. I nkow I am that and perhaps Afia can help me. // It's 11:30 at night and my throat still hurts, my ears hurt, my head feels congested, my nose is dripping. I just woke up from a funny dream. It was in black and white except the sky was blue and the women's lipstick was red. It was a black and white musical with Nicole Kidman, about a girl growing up in the 1900's. I remember also my mother being there and me with an actress on my lap laying down pretending to e dead (an older woman about 80) who was sort of taking the place of my grandmother and I was thinking that I was sorry I had not been there for my mother when her mother died. Also the last thing I dreampt was with a verse from my musical dream, the girls were singing: "Honestly, you're a perfectionist!" |
| 27 January 2005 Here I am in the afternoon still sick, it's all in my head as a fever and I'm skipping drum class and will skp dance. Ugh. Now that I am sick all I really want to do is go home and be away from all this illness. I feel terrible. I miss home. I miss Montana. I miss Santa Fe. I miss my youth, having fun with cousins, learning from my Grandfather, walking with my Grandmother, being cared for by my Aunts, riding bikes with my friends. I miss talking to my dad and hearing his wisdom. I miss enjoying seeing my mother communicate with nature and hearing her express her own memories and loves. I miss living in Billings my first year in college. I have really been missing Austin latel; the humidity, the trees, the streets, the memories, the people, the bicycles, the posters, the coffeeshops, the traffic, the bridges, the lights, the music, the busses. I have a feeling I will go back, at least to visit. I would love to travel to India, I would love to play percussion for Gurumayi. And see Australia, play music. And travel in Europe perhaps on bicycle. To travel the Americas perhaps visit my family in Guanojuato, Mexico. Ahhhh....right now to be doing better is important. |
| 28 January 2005 Afia said amazing things last night about seeing herself fully. First chakra: grieving for and forgiving my mother. Second chakra: seeing my Self. Third Chakra: seeing my talents and gifts. Second Heart: Loving all. Throat Chakra: saying what I mean. Today the sickness was out of my throat and is staying in my sinuses plus my body still aches. Connie was in my dreams last night, things were happening at Mini Mart and the Pizza House in Sidney. Tonight is my last night here, I don't know if I'll be dancing today. // I didn't dance or drum today, at least in the morning. My body still aches, I'm not sneezing as much, my nose isn't running as much, I still have a fever, and it's al lstill in the top half of my head. Did I mention that in the village there are areas set aside, like somebody raked it, for throwing food in and going to the bathroom. It's like a huge compost pile. And did I mention that the women do a lot of carrying on their heads, and that this alst week I ran out of toilet paper and started doing what all Guineans use. Water. And last night large insects came out, during the day there's lots of ants ants, flies and bats. I'm really overwhelmed by this dis-ease inside of me. At this point I just wnat to go home and get better. There's something inside of me that wishes I would've only been here two weeks....but I am here. Ugh. I feel terrible. |
| 29 January 2005 I had a dream last night that my aunt Karen died, and I saw my cousing Monica. |
| 4 February 2005 Well I've been back home in Santa fe since Monday. I've been thinking about my experiences in Africa, why I went, the significance of the folks I met, thinking about what I am passionate about and also thinking about how all that relates to the book I am reading about being a messenger of God. I feel like the trip to Africa inspired my music and gave me a new appreciation for America, for New Mexico, for Montana and I am more grateful for the things in my life and somehow this ties into sharing that gratitute along with understanding how I can help those who are less fortunate right in front of me like the homeless, the hungry, the abused. And Afia really inspired me to make a living at what I enjoy doing which music, bicycles, nature, book, Love, God, communkty. I have this tension and yearning inside of me that wants to break free form my norms and live passionately. Not emersed any more with how I think other feels about me, or fully knowing....wait a minute I DO know what I care about and what I am capable of doing. The problem is that I'm afriad of no making any money from doing those things because even though I don't completely enjoy how money can destroy a person, I do feel like I need it in this time of mlife because of school. I want a job that not only I can make money to go to school with but more importantly a job that makes me Happy!!! A job I am passionate about!!! A job that I can learn from and enjoy and grow from. Something that already enhances my talents. A job that I would defend and supprot and know is right in the way of my own beliefs. I know in my Heart this is what I ask for. |
| 18 February 2005 I should write my experiences from Africa. the Music: more confidence, hard-working musicians, I could hear something, relationship to community, dancers the People: compost, reuse our waste, no "lazy" devices, use what they have the Culture: village, space, dress, babies, money, their resources, men & women, marriage the Language: barrier for communcation the Dance: chiropractor, body is capable, outside |