***REDEEMABLE FOR ONE 72-HOUR PERIOD OF “ROUGHING IT”***
You, Frodo’s Scruffy Unwashed Sexy Man, are hereby entitled, at any time day or night, to a three-day trip in the wild with Frodo Baggins as your trusted companion. Frodo is aware that you occasionally long to escape the confines of the city and take a respite in the untamed lands of the North. You are aware that while being a hobbit and therefore one with the earth, Frodo nevertheless infinitely prefers his comfortable featherbed, his marble bathtub with the pumped-in hot water, savory meals, and his library of leather-bound books. Call it Bilbo’s influence, if you will. In fact, Frodo got enough of “roughing it” during the last year of the Third Age to . However, out of pure devotion, he shall sacrifice and spend three days with you in the place of your choosing, sleeping on scratchy bedrolls and fending off predators. But please, wear your old ranger clothing with the tight leggings. And bring honey cakes and lubrication.
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***EXTRA SPECIAL COUPON REDEEMABLE FOR LIFE***
You, Intimate Partner to One Lucky Hobbit, are hereby entitled, at all times day and night, to receive Frodo Baggins’s undying love and esteem for the remainder of your years in Middle-earth. He shall serve you in any way he can and will look for the same in return. Together, both of you will meet the challenges of life, with all of its ups and downs, its positives, and its negatives. And with this partnership goes deep friendship, trust, loyalty, honesty, respect, and adoration.
And a whole lot of mind-blowing sex.
Much love,
Your devoted Frodo
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