| =================================== Fanfic: DON'T CALL ME DAUGHTER Author: Roxanne de Winter Warnings: cross-dressing, rape (not graphic), weirdness, angst, shonan-ai, violence, child abuse, little bits of Treize bastardization, OOC, adult themes, POV, heavy symbolism Pairings: 4+3, 1+2/2+1, D+R/R+D rating: PG-13 =================================== >I was up late doing my homework, listening to music at the same time.... when the radio played Luscious Jackson's 'Naked Eyes'. I really LOVE that song.... it's so weirdly beautiful. Not Tori Amos weird, but weird never-the-less. Anyway, I began thinking, and my hand took notes on my thoughts. Before I knew it, I had written down an entire storyline.... the storyline that would later be applied for 'DON'T CALL ME DAUGHTER', my latest fanfic. I decided 'DAUGHTER' should be based partially on my dreams.... especially since 'Naked Eyes' is going to be the representetive song. Weird song, weird dreams, weird fanfic. Before I started, I read a wide variety of books ranging from the works of Edger Allen Poe to William Gibson's 'The Miricale Worker', and tried to remember most of my dreams. The end result in the fanfic you're about to read, 'DON'T CALL ME DAUGHTER'. Enjoy!< ============================ Being naked is divine Liquid is a state of mind With my naked eyes I saw the pouring rain With my naked eyes I saw I saw it all I saw it come down And it feels all right Naked Eyes -Luscious Jackson ============================ ~~~~~ are diary excerpts DON'T CALL ME DAUGHTER by Roxanne de Winter DAUGHTER isn't the biggest town.... it's actually the smallest small town to be found in all of wherever I live. 10 people live here. The rest is just wheat fields and red brick walls placed in random places. No one knows who builds them, they're just there one day, and gone the next. This is an ordinary little town. In my family, there's my mother, Zechs, who's actually a man.... and my late father, with whom I hold stimulating conversations with every day. This is just another cloudless morning, and I'm sitting in the wheat field talking to my friend, Heero. I'm not sure whether he understands a thing I'm saying, or if he even knows who I am.... he just wanders around, and I follow him. Heero has a father.... Treize Khushranada, who locked himself in his mansion's library one day, and never ever came out again. Heero doesn't seem to care much.... he just comes and goes, nothing in that beautiful head of his. Heero's mentally retarded. Or at least, that's what most people think. But, fact is, he doesn't mind me, and that's all that matters. Heero never talks.... except to me. But nothing he says makes any sense. He just says what he wants. "I think I love you, Heero." I tell him. I know he doesn't understand what I'm saying, so I just say any nonsense I want to him. "Love." he replies, as if thinking. "Yes, that's right, you asshole, love." "Love.... love. I love water." That's the fifth time he mentioned 'water' today. He tells me he hears water, but there's none here. I think that's why Mr.Khushranada locked himself away. The thought of your only son being... well, being Heero, horrified him and his sophisticated little mind. I think he's gone mad. "Where did daddy go?" "Your Daddy went mad." At the word mad, Heero assumes a fetal position and cries wildly, tears rolling down hids face, flowing down his legs. It's a pity that God wasted beauty on such a pathetic creature. I watch him for a few minutes, while picking a few small flowers and making a chain out of them. Then, without warning, Heero stands up, and wanders away. I almost feel sad, but my emotions are wasted on him. He doesn't even know how and what I feel. Heero is almost out of site, when he trips and falls. He gets up, a small wound near his jaw, and eyes me. He eyes me with a look of innocence and betrayal. I look away, and continue making chains out of flowers. "Hon, help me with the dishes, will ya?" I eye Zechs, who's wearing that ridiclous pink apron Daddy bought her when they married. "I'd rather not soil my hands. I don't eat anything anyway." saying this, I stand up from the wood table, and walk out the broken screen door, out into the field of my backyard. DAUGHTER was built on a graveyard, and if you look carefully, you can see a few surviving stone gravemarks. That is, if you can divert your attention from the old car parts and other junk littering the field. I walk to one gravestone marked 'Samuel A. Maxwell'. It is time for my daily talk with father. When I was a very young child, I asked Zechs who my father was, since I had never met the man. She took me to the backyard field, and pointing to the Samuel A. Maxwell's grave marker, said 'This, from now on, is your father.' Then she left. Since then, my new daddy and I have been very close. Before I talk to Daddy, I look to the end of the field. I see Treize's mansion, and I give a small smile. That structure frightened me since I was a little boy.... the big, towering house, which was once so beautiful.... and now lusts for its former glory. The formerly cheerful green color now a faded teal-gray.... the red rosebushes once in full bloom.... now just wilting and dying of neglect. I can almost hear their screams. I grow depressed whenever I look at the old house. I wonder whether Treize is still alive.... Just then, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and the girl who lives to the house right of mine, Relena, is standing there, flowers growing at her dainty feet. The yards here in DAUGHTER aren't separated by walls.... you can just walk from one yard to the next. "Hello, Duo." Relena says cheerfully,"I have a baked an apple pie for you and your mother." Relena and I are good friends. In the Spring, her mother regularily helps my mother out with gardening.... the rest of the time, Relena helps, so we see each other quite often. I take the the delicious-looking treat, and thank Relena. Just then, we hear a quiet snicker. I see Relena's face losing its calm, friendly expression. Dorothy was here. Dorothy is Relena's rival, lover, and best friend. She lives to the the house left to mine, and we rarely speak. Her long, bleach blonde hair blew in the wind as she approached us. She was wearing the faded, black 19th century schoolgirl dress she wears everday, as well the small black hat with the netting that covers her bird-like eyes. As she walked through the uncut grass, everything she touched wilted. I noticed she was carrying a small package. "Hello, Miss Relena." Dorothy said in a forced, polite tone,"Wonderful wheather we have today, is it not?" Relena nods,"Yes, it is indeed a lovely day." Dorothy smiles her sinister smile,"Perfect day for a funeral...." "....Or a birth." added Relena. Dorothy eyes me,"Hm, I see Relena has given you something. Well, I have a little something to give you, too." Handing me the package, wrapped in black paper, she encourages me to open it. Putting Relena's pie on a nearly-wrecked picnic table, I opened Dorothy's gift. It was a knife. "It is to cut the cake with," Dorothy explained. Relena nodded,"A thoughtful gift, Dorothy." Both girls curtisied, then left, holding hands. I eye my two gifts, then bring them inside. I see Heero from the kitchen/living room window, and decide I should share my gifts with him. He is sitting on the ground.... probably hasn't eaten the whole day. He's staring at the yellow-red ground, looking at a plain white butter- fly. Heero senses I'm there, yet seems to be more interested in the butterfly. I sit down next to him, and begin to cut the cake. He looks at me. Some of the red apple filling is flowing onto the cake pan.... it looks almost like blood. I think Heero thinks it really is blood. "It isn't blood, you dimwitt. It's apple filling. Though it is strange that it is so red." He blinks, probably not having understood a thing I said, and turns back to the butterfly. His eyes sparkle as it flies away. "Where do butterflies go?" he asks. "To look for flowers." "Why don't we look for flowers?" "Because we aren't butterflies." "Where do butterflies come from?" I roll my eyes. Heero asks such dumb questions. "It's not important." I hand him a slice of cake,"Here, so you'll stop asking dumb questions." He takes his cake slice, and slowly eats it. "What is this?" he asks. "Pie. Relena made it." "Who's Relena?" "The girl next door." It is the start of a new day. The sun shines a pleasent light, and there is no cloud in the sky. I put on my usual old, faded white tanktop and torn jean shorts.... I wear the same clothes everyday, and no one notices. As I walk outside, eating nothing, as usual, I greet my good friend Wufei, who has stopped by to visit DAUGHTER, as he does every Summer. He has a vibrant temper, and a love of fire. When he's in town, you can count on at least one incident of a house going up in flames. Wufei's parents send him to DAUGHTER every summer, for he causes too much havock in the large city where he resides for most the year. Our encounter is brief, and I am soon on my way again. As I wander to the fields in the far outskirts of DAUGHTER, I notice Heero lying in the long grass, wearing nothing. I walk over to him,"Where are your clothes?" I ask. He gives me a weary smile,"Took them." "Who took them?" I ask, almost angrily. "Men." "Which men?" I demand, kneeling down to face him. Heero sits up and eyes me, but says nothing. The silence goes on for a few minutes. It is broken by Heero saying,"They took their clothes off, too." This gets my attention. "What did they do afterwards?" Heero shrugs, and stands up to leave. But I stop him. "What did they do?" I demand, almost growling. Heero begins to cry. Heero associates a rough tone with being angry.... angry at him. Against my will, my face and tone turns sympathetic. "I'm not angry at you, Heero." We both sit down on the grass, and I ask quietly,"So can you tell me what the men did?" Heero eyes me, a confused look on his face. He looks so young and innocent... so very different from me. It's amazing how we can both be fifteen, the age of coming-of-age, yet act so differntly. "Come on Heero, you can tell me. I promise I won't get mad." Heero hugs his legs, and quietly rocks back and forth. "It hurt." My eyes get a bit watery, but my voice stays firm as I ask,"What hurt?" "They touched me and it hurt." I blink,"They.... you mean they...." "They put something inside, lots of times." Heero said, so calmly as if he was talking about the whether,"It hurt, Duo. It hurt real bad." I pull back my breath and throw my arms around him, crying. How could someone hurt something that was so pure and innocent? I took Heero home with me.... I couldn't just leave him there, naked like the day he was born. Mother immediatly demanded what 'this naked child' was doing here. I ignored her, and took Heero to my room. Afterwards, I gave him some clothes, and let him use my bed. What a bastard Trize is.... abandoning his only son. Heero may be retarded, but he is God's creation. Whether God is a jerk or not, he created Heero.... and Heero should be treated with the love we give to all of God's good creatures. "Sleep?" I shook my head,"No, keep the bed, I'll sleep on the couch." It was a new day. A new day that's identical to the old day. As we always do, Heero and I were sitting on the grass. We were making flower wreaths. But today was different.... my mind was clouded about how one can be so cruel as to harm Heero. Heero seemed to be thinking about something, too.... stress the word 'seemed'. Heero can't think.... and even if he did, I bet it's all nonsense. But I sense a bit of a change in him.... when I found him yesterday.... he said my name. This is a proof that I exist to him. "Duo?" I eye him. This is the second time in the past two days he actually mentioned my name. "Duo, how does it feel to not be dumb?" I blink. Do retarded people know they are retarded? This is the first time Heero asked me a question like that. I shrug,"I don't know. You take it for granted, I guess." I'm not sure, but I could've sworn I heard Heero mumble something similar to 'Wish I had that.' We are both silent. My eyes shift to another area of the field where Relena and Dorothy are sharing a conservative dance. Relena looks tired, and Dorothy leads. I eye Heero, who quickly looks up at me. He smiles shyly and hands me a small chain of violet flowers he made, "They match your eyes," he says so quietly I almost didn't hear him. I smile. This is the first time I smile a smile of real happiness. No one had ever remarked I had violet eyes.... I come back to an empty house. I'm not suprised.... Mother is gone for most of the day anyway. As I walk into he backyard, I eye father's tombstone. "Must be horrible having my mother as your wife," I say, absent- mindedly,"she's never here.... and when she is, she never talks to you. I bet she never told you what a great listener you are." There is a short silence before I continue. "You know, today Heero said I had violet eyes. Do you think they're violet?" I think Father is smiling. "Mother says they're blue.... or, rather 'dull boring gray blue'. She says Relena has nicer eyes than I do." Father is looking sympathetic. I can almost hear him say 'Oh, that's not true!'. "Yes, I know. But that's mother. I wonder who you married in real life.... or if you even married at all. What type of girl did you like? Was it a girl in the first place?" I smile,"Boy, I bet if you could've chosen, you wouldn't have been buried here. Especially with me talking so much. You know, Heero never complains about my talking...." A new day has begun. I can see the sun rising from my bedroom window. It rises.... until Treize's giant mansion blocks it out. In the morning hours, my room is always shrouded in darkness because of that house. I turn to Heero, who is asleep in my bed. He looks like an angel when he's sleeping. And I guess in a sense, he is the most pure thing walking the earth. He knows of no evil. There is nothing as artistically cruel and sadistic as the human. Even if you aren't murdering or torturing anyone.... the mere fact that you think these thoughts and know of their existance makes you less innocent. Utter stupidity is utter innocence. I guess this makes Heero innocent. I smile a small smile,"Wake up, Heero. Wake up before my mother sees you. You don't want her to have one of her fits of anger." Mother doesn't approve of Heero sleeping here.... but since the attack, I cannot leave him by himself for long periods of time without fearing something will happen to him. Just then, Heero opens his eyes, and smiles at me. "It's morning." he states quietly. I nod,"Yes, it is." "It's pretty." How can Heero think the morning is pretty? It looks the same everyday. The same bland color, the same sunlight. It's horribly dull. Heero gets out of bed, and we walk ouside through the kitchen door. I see Quatre, a good frend of mine, sitting by the side of the road, and I run over to greet him. Quatre rarely leaves his house, so it is always a suprise to see him out in the open. "Hi, Quatre!" I say happily. He looks up and smiles sadly at me. "What's wrong?" I ask. "Trowa's gone." Trowa is Quatre's lover. No one except Quatre has ever seen him. Quatre has little company.... the only thing that lives with Quatre is a black cat with green eyes. Quatre is a bit weird.... he used to have a large family.... 29 sisters and two parents.... but they all died of various causes....within a month. Quatre insists they write to him everyday. I fear the poor boy's lost his mind. Though, I must admit, he has gotten a lot better since he supposedly met 'Trowa'. "Where do you think he went?" I ask. Quatre bites his lip to stop himself from crying,"I don't know, but I really want him back! We were in a horrible argument...." "Don't worry, Quatre, he'll be back," I say, trying not to roll my eyes. Sometimes I think I'm the only sane person in all of DAUGHTER. "You really think so?" he asks, hope shining in his aqua colored eyes. I smile a bitter smile,"Of course, Quatre. Of course he'll come back," Quatre smiles, unaware that I was being sarchastic,"Thanks, Duo. You're a good friend." I watch him walk away, feeling sorry I hurt him.... and that he didn't even notice it. "Do you really think he'll come back?" I eye Heero,"Trowa's not real." "Then.... then why does Quatre like him?" "Because that's just how Quatre is." I want to spare telling Heero things he does not understand. I won't bother his primitive mind with thoughts of poor Quatre's insanity. Heero seems to think a while, then looks away. This is one of his favorite occupations. Staring at the same spot for long periods of time. I shake my head and leave him where he is. He won't even notice I'm gone. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that there is something going on in that mind of his.... but just one look at him tells me differntly. I walk on till I see Treize's house. It's bugging more than ever.... what happened to Treize that made him go mad? Surely, Heero couldn't have been the only cause.... I turn and walk the opposite way.... to where my good friend Hilde lives. I walk past a few skeletons and rotting corpses that litter her yard.... Hilde likes digging up dead bodies and doing all kinds of vile things with them. I walk up to wretched little shack she calls home.... she lives here with her parents, but they're gone most of the day, so the house is pretty much hers alone. I gently push open the door and wander inside her messy one room house. I walk through the broken door that leads to her backyard, and I see her.... dressed in a filthy, nearly non-existing, obviously home-made tanktop and torn blue jean shorts. She's crouched over some shallow water.... more like a large puddle.... and is taking out small white rocks from the suprisingly clear crystal-blue water[1]. I gradually notice the small white rocks are bones. "Hilde?" She stiffens, then relaxes, and turns around to face me. Her eyes sparkle,"Hi Duo-sama!" I eye a skeleton she put together from the tiny bones. "What are you doing?" "I found some bones in this water! I found a few that belong together." I smile a quick smile,"Can I help?" Hilde nods,"Sure!" As soon as we begin, Hilde starts talking. "Hey, you know this tanktop I'm wearing? I made it myself. My old one was getting too small, so I took the clothes off some dead girl, and made my own tanktop!" Ah, Hilde, the ever inventive one. "It fits me quite well, don't you think?" "It fits great, Hilde." I say, looking closely at one bone fragment. "So, what've you been up to lately?" I shrug,"Nothing, and a lot of it." Hilde nods,"Hey, don't pity yourself so much. I also live in the middle of nowhere, you know." Middle of nowhere was right. The next day, which is this very day, I decided I would do something remotely interesting. I decided to see just what happened to Treize Khushranada. "Where're you going?" I eye Heero,"Nowhere." His eyes shine with curiosity,"Can I come with you?" I shake my head. "I've never been to nowhere," he protests. I sigh exasperatedly,"I'm going to your father's house to see just what happened to him." "But.... but I thought you were going to nowhere." I roll my eyes. Heero is just so dumb.... "You can come with if you want." Heero smiles happily,"To nowhere?" The house seems to suck in my soul as Heero and I near it. Even Heero seems to be haunted. We nearly drown in a tidal flood of sadness and gloom as we near the old house's faded, but still standing, door, walking past the wilted rosebushes. The long grass blows, and the tiny stone lawn oranaments seem to smile sadistic smiles at us. Heero instinctively walks closer behind me. If I would ever have to name a real haunted house, this would be it. Tall. Gloomy. Stately. I push Heero away from me, and gently ease open the door. Dust. The windows from the exposed second story stairways-veranda let a misty, heavenly light into the house, shining on every little dust- piece, making them look like small angels. The mansion walls' wooden panelling gives off a rich shine, and the pictures on the wall melt, like butter on the tongue, into the scenery. For a while, I feel like I'm in some sort of heaven. "Pretty." I nod,"Yes, Heero. It's.... pretty." The rest of the house looked just how I imagined it to look. Old. Abandoned. Heero meanwhile wandered off into some foreign wing of the giagantic mansion, and I walked down the hall, into the third story. I hear a music box play, and follow the sound. The song played would usually be a happy melody... but the music box is so old, it now plays a soft, slightly stalled and somber melody. The tune leads me to a small room with a crib in it, and several dusty toys. There's a small window on one side of the wall, right over the crib. The window is layered with dust and doesn't let much light in, giving the room a rather somber atmosphere. I walk over to it, and write my name in the dust. When I'm done, my eyes fall onto the crib. In it lies a doll, it's face covered by an old baby blanket. I pick it up and study it. It's a baby doll.... dusty from disuse. The thing's face is slightly cracked, and looks rather sad and haunted. I smile, and put the doll over my shoulder like I would a real baby,"Now, don't look so sad," I say comfortingly. Then I begin to sing and cradle it. "Rockebye baby in the treetop... when the wind blows the cradle will rock... when the bow breaks, the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all...." When I'm finished, I laugh quietly and put the doll back into its crib, putting the blanket over it as gently as a mother would. As I turn to walk away, I hear a noise. It's a rather dull thumping noise, like something's pushing against the wooden headboard of the crib. I leave the room to go look for Heero. The noise might be made by a rat or something like that. I hear the thumping noise the entire while I'm in the third story. I find Heero finally in the attic, in the forth story, sitting on a window cill of the large, open attic window. He's looking out at the gray-blue sky, not even sensing my presence. "What're you staring at, Heero?" I ask, walking up to him. "Statue moved." I blink,"Statues can't move, Heero." Heero shakes his head,"Staue moved." I roll my eyes and sigh,"Whatever you say." "I can jump." "No, Heero. You can't jump out of the window. You'll die." "Death is a state of mind." I give him with a perplexed look. I never heard something like that come from his mouth. "What'd you say, Heero?" I ask, just to make sure my ears were decieving me. "Death is a state of mind. You can be alive but feel dead, you know." Blow number two. "Heero, where'd you learn to talk like that?" Heero just smiles a weird smile in response, then turns away from the open air, and pushes himself off the window cill and onto the attic floor,"I want home." For a while there I felt I'd seen a new side of Heero... but I guess he was just in a temporary state of intelligence. The exploration of Treize's house was not as exciting as I imagined it would be, but I'm going back tomorrow anyway. Maybe Heero and I can take a few things there for ourselves. It's better than letting the rats raid everything. As I walked home, I greeted Dorothy's grandfather, who visits every fall. I like him.... he has a more vibrant personality than Dorothy, and he usually brings me something when he visits. This time, it was an amber necklace, which I was cheerfully sporting when I came home. But my mood was quickly shattered when I saw mother giving me that angry look of hers. "Where HAVE you been?" she demands. "Nowhere, mother." "I cleaned the house while you were gone. Where were you, you lazy bum? Let me guess, you were with that retarded boy Heero again!" "Wow, mother. How in the world did you guess what I do everyday?" Before mother can reply, there is a rapping at the door. Mother answers it, her face turning to her outdoor face.... a sweet, concerned-looking one. It doubles its concern at the sight before her. In the doorway, Quatre is standing, his usually pale face now red and tear-streaked. "What is the matter, Quatre?" mother asks, in her friendly outdoor voice. "Trowa...." Quatre breathed in shakily,"Trowa.... Trowa still isn't.... isn't back!" "Come in, Quatre...." mother said, sounding more concerned than she ever did with me. A sobbing Quatre entered our house, and sat down on our nearly wrecked couch,"I don't know why he's not back!" "Maybe he was killed," I say absent-mindedly, knowing my statement just makes Quatre cry harder. "Now, Quatre, I'm sure he'll come back...." "I hurt him really bad.... I was really mean.... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.... I wish I would've told him that...." This is pathetic. So pathetic, I can't bear it any longer. So I stand up, and walk out the house door, ignoring the look mother gives me. She's emberassed to have me as a son. I don't make a good impression on any of her friends. So now Quatre crying just because his imaginary lover left him. Hm. It's a funny thought, actually.... not even his IMAGINARY lover could bear to stay with him. I laugh a bitter laugh. I feel so dirty.... I feel so tinged, laughing about the miseries of poor Quatre. I don't even know how love feels, I never was in love. And in a way, I'm glad. I don't want to end up all pathetic like Quatre. I look up at the brick wall that is in the middle of the street that leads out of this damned town. This wall has been blocking the street for three weeks now. I tried going around, but somehow it seems to stretch, almost like it doesn't want me to pass. But that's all right, I gave up trying to pass any wall. There's just no use in trying when you know you'll lose. "Duo?" I turn around and see Dorothy, wilted grass at her feet. "Are you feeling all right? You look rather melancholy today." I smile weakly,"What makes you say that?" "Duo, whatever ails you, memoroize this...." Dorothy paused,"every- thing's over sometime or other. I've seen enough dead guys to know. Bad days end, good days end, misery ends. Life ends. Someday, the earth will face its end. If you look at it this way, you don't feel as depressed. Keep this in your head as a mantra, and you won't get eaten alive by the gloom in this here town." I smile. Dorothy has her way of turning around things.... making your worst miseries and fears sound like things that aren't all that bad. "This town...." Dorothy brushes a strand of hair from her face,"My family has lived here for three generations. While everyone around us went mad, we stayed sane because of this philosophy. Keep it with you.... once you realize everything bad will someday or other falter, you won't fear anything anymore." A new day.... I wake up and walk out of the house, Heero at my side. Relena is up early, tending her flower garden. I wave to her, and she smiles and waves a gloved hand back. "Good morning Duo, Heero! Isn't it a beautiful day?" I shrug,"It looks the same as yesterday's day." "Do you want to help me with the gardening?" I nod, and walk over to her, Heero watching me. Relena touches the soil, and a dying flower regains its life. Smiling at the flower, Relena turns to me,"Dorothy told me you were really down yesterday." I nod,"Yeah. She filled me in on her 'End is near' philosophy'." Relena smiles,"I tend to disagree with her way of looking at things. My family stayed here for three decades, the same as Dorothy's, and we stayed sane another way." I raise an eyebrow,"Oh?" "Our philosophy was 'grab life by the horns'. Take whatever life throws you, and deal with it. Every moment has something new to offer and in some way prepares ground for the future. Once you look at life this way, you won't feel so depressed. Life is a roller coster. I say 'enjoy the ride... if you don't, the time wasn't well spent'. Try to cherish every moment.... don't look back at the bad, look forward and never turn around. If life throws you a punch, then it throws you a punch. Forget about it and move on." I smile,"Thanks, Relena." Well, this a nice alternative to 'the end is near'. The rest of the day I spent with Heero. We re-visited Treize's mansion. We found a few usable things that we took with us.... or, rather, I did. Heero decided exploring would be more interesting. I walk up to the third story.... I recalled seeing a nice lamp there. As I begin my search for it, my attention gets caught by a closed door. I hadn't noticed it the last time I was here.... I grab the handle.... but the door opens before I touch it. Books. I see books.... stacked from wall to wall. These walls must reach three stories.... I look up, my mouth agape, and I suddenly feel very small. I notice a ladder and climb up it. One book catches my eyes.... though it's too old and dusty to see what it's called. I brush away some of the dust.... 'Faust'. The book was 'Faust'. I've always wanted to read that book.... I take it out, but it is heavy, and falls from my hands, landing with a loud thud on the library's wood floor. Shivering from the incident's aftershock, I reach for a smaller book.... when something catches my eye: A faded little dark green book where 'Faust' once stood. It's covered by another book, which I hastily throw to the ground along with 'Faust'. I carefully remove the green book and flip through its worn pages. I quickly realize it is some sort of journal.... I'll read it later, now I have to find Heero. Carrying it with utmost of care, I make my way down the ladder. Heero was in the same place he was yesterday.... the attic. "Why do you keep coming here?" I ask him. No response. "What's so FASCINATING about this place?" Heero eyes me,"Statue moved." I shake my head,"Come on, Heero, let's go." As we walk to the third story, we hear a dull thumping noise, the same one I heard yesterday. Heero eyes me with a questioning stare, which I reply to with a shrug. "I think it's only the rats, Heero." I sit down on the couch, and eye Heero, who is peacefully asleep in my bed. I wonder what he dreams about. I heard most rape victims dream about their ordeals.... but I don't think Heero does.... he's retarded. He doesn't know what happened, right? I'm not so sure if he understands at all the horror of what was done to him.... it's sad to be so dumb you don't know what people do with you. But I guess his stupidity will save him.... he won't be haunted by what happened. Or would he? I don't know what to wish him. I suffer watching him not know about what happens around him. He's like a lost little boy.... only no one can help him find his way home. Yet at the same time, if he knew, and if he understood.... I don't want to think about this. Turning to the window opposite my couch, I think how I can fall asleep with these thoughts circulating in my head. Maybe reading that diary I found might bring some comfort. Maybe it is full of sad and horrifying things. Those might get my mind off of Heero. Taking the little book in my hands, I turn the first page. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ December 13th 7:00 AM DAUGHTER is a rather dreary small town. Even the sun here seems cold. But, I guess for those very reasons I moved here. I could not stay in the town I lived in earlier.... I needed a town to fit my temperment. The people in DAUGHTER are all suffering from one thing or another.... their problems make mine seem ever so small. A few months ago, Lady Une, my wife of two years, passed away. She died in a rather horrifying way. First, her beauty went, then she she went mad, and I had to keep her in my house chained like wild beast. She passed away.... with my help. I gave her a poisened drink, and forced it down her throat. I couldn't bear to see her in her sickley state. Before the disease set in, she bore me a child. It was a beautiful baby boy which looked exactly like her, down to his smile. It looked at me with an intelligent gaze, just as Une would've, had she not been mad. I adored this child.... even when Une started losing her mind. It reminded me of how she was before the disease. Quiet, active, always happy to see me. I Christianed the child 'Heero'. Une had always been fond of this name. I recalled a town Une had mentioned when we were younger. A quiet little town where she had spent her childhood. When I found DAUGHTER, I decided Heero and I should move there, so he would grow up in a similar place to where Une spent her childhood. Call it wishful thinking, but I want Heero to grow up into a person like Une was.... to keep his mother's memory alive. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I smile weirdly. Heero? Heero the Retard was to keep this "Une" person's memory alive? Maybe Treize was crazy from the start. I put down the book, and turn off the lamp next to my couch. I'll read more in the morning. It was a rather chilly morning, especially because I sleep without a blanket. Heero was awake before me, staring out at the horizon. We'd both overslept.... but it's hard not to in the winter months. Especially because my room recieves very little of the already sparse winter sunlight. Heero gets out of bed and sits next to me. "You're cold." I shrug,"So?" He leans on me,"Where'd the sun go?" "It went to warm up another part of the earth." "Why?" "Because the earth goes around the sun, and turns around itself at the same time, therefore making more sunlight come to parts other than where we reside." Heero looks at me, confusion in his cobalt blue eyes. He hasn't understood a thing I told him. I smile a tiny smile, and stand up,"Come on, Heero. Let's go outside." Dorothy was standing outside, looking over Relena's garden... watching each flower wilt. She eyes me and says,"Everything comes to an end." Next to her stands a man I recognize as her uncle, G. He's old.... with a long nose and a mean expression. G is a bitter old man.... and he had been since the day he was born. Everyone who nears him feels a biting chill.... and his sharp, cynical humor accentuates it perfectly. G rarely visits, only in winter. It's his favorite season. Heero's gaze meets the mans, and Heero quickly looks away. The man smiles a bitter smile, then turns away. As Heero sits in the field making flower chains, I continue reading Treize's diary. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Janruary 3rd 10 PM I cannot fall asleep. I haven't had a good night's rest eversince Une passed. I am listening to the silence of the night.... in my old town, there was never a quiet night. People were always out doing as they pleased. But here, no one seems to enjoy themselves.... not even the daytime. Everyone's reserved, and even the friendly people here keep to them- selves. Just like the town Une described. It's.... perfect. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I shake my head. What a poor, lost, pathetic soul. Reading about him, I am happy I have chosen never to fall in love.... I eye Heero, who is at the moment brushing his face softly against a winter rose, breathing in its sweet, perfume-like scent. How innocent he looks.... like a kitten. I stopped smelling flowers at an early age. Mother told me they held toxic fumes. By the time I found out she had been making a joke, I was to old to smell the flowers.... and too cynical to appreciate their beauty and goodness. After all, even the prettiest flowers wither someday or other. I've believed in Dorothy's philosophy since I was a young boy. I never enjoyed myself too much, because I knew I'd be sad when the joy ended. But Heero.... he seems to drink life as if it's coming from a fountain[2].... his thirst never satisfied. I envy him for this.... I envy his ability to forget the past and live life to the fullest. I wonder how different he would be if he could think. Heero looks at me,"Don't you want to smell?" I shake my head,"No thanks, Heero." "It smells pretty...." "No thanks." "You don't like flowers?" I shake my head,"No, it's not that...." Heero just stares at me with his large blue eyes, obviously expecting an explenation of why I don't want to smell the flower. I sigh,"OK, fine, I'll smell the stupid flower...." I wiff at it, then scoot closer. It did smell nice.... not too strong, but soft and alluring. "It's nice, Heero. Kind of lessens the bitterness and monotony of life...." Heero's scribbling on a piece of paper. This is the closest to writing or drawing he gets. I think he's trying to be like me and most everyone he sees. It must feel horrible for him to know he'll never achieve it..... yet he keeps trying. Unlike me. I never try if I know something's hopeless. I pick up Treize's diary, and continue my reading. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ March 5th 5 AM I fear I have commited a great sin.... Yesterday, I was in a state of sadness and remourse.... when Heero started crying. I should've know he was just a mindless child.... he is not aware of my pain. I do not believe I was thinking clearly at the time.... But, he just would not stop crying.... So I hit him. I hit the child with such a thrust, I believed I'd killed him. Today I checked his pulse, and it confirmed he was only unconscious.... but the damage was done. When he awoke, the intelligent sparkle in his eyes was gone. Everything he learned.... how to crawl, how to recognize me.... was gone, as if it never had existed. Whever he's asleep, I hear him bang his head against his beadpost.... he stopped doing this months ago.... His constant head-banging is an obvious sign of retardation.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I put the book down, and look at Heero. My breathing stalls. Heero looks up at me,"Sad?" I shake my head,"It's.... nothing, Heero." It's almost unreal.... especially on paper. In the blink of an eye, the life Heero could've had, the person he could've been.... gone. How could someone just take that away from him? How could one person's death screw up two good lives? For a whole week, these thoughts were on my mind. I wondered where God was.... and what he felt when he ruined an innocent's life. But regret is no use now.... you can't change the past. It hurts to look at Heero.... who doesn't know and would never fully grasp what happened. The rest of Treize's diary just spiraled downwards.... I remember the last article vividly: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There's just no use in trying anymore. The last time I tried to get over Une's death, it only brought me more sadness. I cannot look at Heero.... my goal with him is shattered and it's my fault. I think the time has come where life has no need for me.... So, Like every good actor, I'll gracefully exit the scene and let the curtain fall. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heero and I are now on our way to his house.... Heero skipping along the trail, having nothing on his mind. I carry his emotional burdens while he runs free. I so envy him.... We reach the old door, and I feel like I'm drowning in saddness and remourse. For a few seconds I can't breath. For once, Heero follows me. We walk up to the third story, and we hear the muffled thump again. This time, I follow it, Heero close behind me. It's coming from the room with the crib. As soon as we near it, it stops. I recall what I read in Treize's diary about Heero's head-banging, and I grow very depressed at the thought. Having this every day and night to remind you of your evil.... that must have felt horrible. I lean against a wall, and slide down to the ground. I feel tears growing in my eyes.... I barely see Heero approach me and pull me to my feet. Half-leaning, half walking, however it happened, when I open my eyes, I'm outside, laying on the faded grass in outskirts of town. Heero's looking over me. I sit up and start to cry.... cry for Heero, cry for Treize, cry for the miseries of the whole town. Heero just looks at me. After a long while of silence, my sobbing the only noise, he says, "Why are you crying?" I don't answer. "I know you are not crying about your own problems only.... you're crying for me." "I'm crying because of something you will never understand. The emotions for the events you cannot grasp." "You should not cry for others.... you're smart and can do more." "I have nothing to do.... everything I do I fail in. I'm gonna end up just like Treize...." It didn't matter that Heero didn't know who Treize was.... I just needed to let it all out.... bare my soul to someone too innocent to do anything to me. Heero shook his head,"No you won't.... you fail 'cause you don't try." I look up, not caring that my face is tear-streaked and my eyes are red. Heero hands me a folded piece of paper. I open it, and see a drawing of myself. "I made that. I tried really hard when you weren't looking." "It's.... it's pretty good...." I say quietly. "Go home?" says Heero, standing up and stretching his hand out to me. I nod,"We both need rest...." When I woke up, the sky was the bluest it had been in years. I quickly got out of bed, and ran outside. I ran until I see the wall that blocks the street that leads out of DAUGHTER. I take a deep, shakey breath, and begin to climb. I don't know how long it took, but I made it up.... to the top. I look down.... I look beyond DAUGHTER. My heart racing, I climb down the other side of the wall, outside of DAUGHTER. As I reach the ground, the wall crumbles, and a tiny crowd of DAUGHTER's residents gathers. I look at all of them, the cold morning air making me feel more alive than I have been in years. It begins to rain a light drizzle. I close my eyes, and become one with the rain. Freedom, like liquid, is a state of mind. THE END [1] I had a dream like that a few years ago.... I thought it'd be nice if I mixed it into this fanfic (^_^). [2] 'Got that saying from a song by the very igneous 'Bud Whole Surfers' |
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