=================================== Fanfic: GNOMIE Author: Roxanne de Winter Warnings: Heero torture, evil lawn ornament, shonan-ai hints (but it depends how you look at it) Pairings: none rating: PG =================================== >When I was little, I had a strange fear of lawn gnomes.... it started back when I first watched Disney's Snow White.... remember the that scene near the end where the seven dwarves wanted to kill the evil witch? Well, a few days later, my mom got a lawn gnome from one of her sisters.... you know, those cute little dwarf statues with pointed hats? Of course I mean the gnome, not her sisters, heh heh. Well, the gnome scared me because it reminded me of those dwarves in Snow White. Its eyes were especially creeepy.... So, skipping forward to present time.... I was cleaning out the old tool shed in the yard (OK, I wasn't cleaning.... I was looking for some fertilizer for my pet cactus), and came across... you guessed it! Old gnomie! But this time I wasn't scared.... >pointed hat is seen walking past window< Gnomes can't hurt you. >door locks< Well, most can't. Anyway, I decided to write a fanfic on this little fear I had. I called it 'Gnomie' after the nickname my brother gave the lawn gnome that scared me to death when I was 6. >match lights< Well, I gotta fight for my survival, enjoy the fanfic! It could be my last! OOoooOOOOoooOooo....< XOXOXO, Roxanne =========================== I recognize the way you make me feel and I may start to think that you may not be real when I feel the water getting deep I try to wash the pain Away from me Away from me Beause you're everywhere To me And when I close my eyes It's you I see You're everything I know That makes me believe I'm not alone -Everywhere by Michelle Branch =========================== GNOMIE by Roxanne de Winter Heero dribbled his basketball and eyed the hoop, a determined sparkle in his prussian blue eyes. "I will hit the basket.... or I will have failed my mission...." Heero aimed to shoot the ball. Licking his lips, he fired. As it neared the basket the basket, suddenly Duo's car drove wildly into the outdoor basketball court. Heero watched in slow motion as the ball hit the side of the car and bounced off at a high force.... flying directly towards him. Heero eyes grew wide as the ball came flying at him. Before he could move out of the way, the ball flew in his face, knocking him out cold. Heero opened his eyes. He was in his bed. Wearily, the spandex- clad boy lifted an arm to feel his bandaged, throbbing head. "Owwwwwww...." Duo's guilt-stricken voice could be heard from down the stairs.... "I feel so horrible.... It's my fault...." "It's OK, Duo.... you didn't hurt him THAT bad...." Trowa's voice answered,"But you DID steal a car, and drive without a driver's license, so feel free to feel guilty anyway." Duo groaned,"Gee, thanks, Trowa." Heero smirked, and sat up. A green box with a white ribbon by the side of the bed caught his eye. Ignoring his head pain, Heero bent down and picked it up. Under the ribbon was a card. "To Heero," Heero read, opening the card,"To Heero, I hope you like this present. Don't open till X-mas." Heero scoffed,"Don't open till Christmas. Yah right." Putting away the card, the Wing pilot savagely ripped open the present, eager to see what was inside. Surrounded in shards of wrapping paper, the eager boy up a plain brown box marked 'Fragile'. Heero shrugged, and ripped open the box with his bare hands. Inside was.... a lawn gnome? Heero shrugged,"Cool. A statue of Dr.G." Just then, Duo's foot- steps could be heard approaching his door. Quickly, Heero put away the lawn gnome and the tell-tale scraps of paper. When Duo came in, Heero pretended to be asleep. Duo leaned over him,"Aw, how cute.... Heero must be having a good dream.... because he's smiling like an idiot.... C'mon, Heero, I know you aren't asleep!" Heero opened one eye,"What do you want?" he asked coldly. "Oh, please don't be mad at me, Heero, it was only an accident...." Heero smiled, and sat up,"I'm not mad.... you gave me a present!" Duo looked baffled,"Present?" "Don't play dumb.... it was a statue of Dr.G!" Still baffled, Duo shrugged,"OK, I guess if you say so...." Duo left the room muttering, "That ball must have hit his head harder than I thought...." "You OK, Heero?" asked Quatre,"You did get hit on the head by a fast-flying basketball." Heero nodded,"I'm OK. Besides, I got a present." "A present?" asked Quatre,"From whom?" "Duo." answered Heero, shoveling some macaroni and cheese into his mouth. Quatre eyed Duo, who just shrugged,"Soooo, what did he get you?" "A statue of Dr.G." repiled Heero simply, a smile starting to spread across his lips. Duo leaned to Quatre and whispered to him,"Did you give him anything?" Quatre shook his head and whispered back,"No, and Trowa and Wufei were in the house the whole time." "Think it's a bomb or something from OZ?" asked Duo. Quatre shrugged,"I don't know, but Heero sure is acting very happy for just getting a teensy staue. He acts like he's never gotten a present in his life.... but I say if it makes him happy, we shouldn't bother him about it." Just then, there was a crack and Heero's chair fell apart.... with Heero sitting on it. Duo stood up,"Heero! You OK?" Heero brushed some splinters off his tanktop,"I could have sworn these chairs were brand new...." Duo helped Heero up,"Never trust the industry...." Heero was about to take his seat on another chair, when he noticed on it was sitting.... a lawn gnome? Picking it up, he noticed it was holding a wrench and a few screws were in its pocket.... Heero shrugged and put it on the ground beside him. "Watch your back, Heero, these mobile dolls are really tricky," warned Trowa. "I know," answered Heero, turning off the vidphone,"This will be easy." Suddenly, all the mobile suits in the battlefield tackled Heero. "Man, Heero, I would've NEVER guessed that all the mobile dolls would attack YOU...." stated Duo, putting a cast around Heero's body, which was covered with bandages everywhere but the eyes. "Mmmmmmfffffmmm-hmmmffff." "Now, try not to talk, Heero. Save your energy." said Duo, calmly, "You've had a hard day." Heero would have nodded if his neck would not have been in a cast. Just then, a rather large spider landed on Heero's bandaged mouth. The Wing pilot's eyes widened,"Mmmmmm-mmmfff!" "Shhhh, go to sleep." "Mmmmmm-mmmmf! Mmmmm-mmmf! MMMMMMMM-MMMFFFFFF!!!!" "Sheesh, don't get angry, Heero, your injuries will heal in two months." "Mmmm-ommm-kmmmfff," muttered Heero. "Sorry, Heero, I can't understand a thing you're saying...." "Dmmmm-mmmmfffs Mmmmmm-ffffs." "Fine, I'll leave, sheesh, you don't have to be so cranky." "MMMMM-MMMMF!!!" "Yeah, yeah, I'll get going." "Mmmmm-mmmmm-mmmmm-mfff!" After Duo left the room, Heero saw his lawn gnome out of the corner of his eye. Its smile looked creepier now.... almost mischevious.... And it was holding some wires.... wires that looked as if they belonged to mobile dolls.... Heero was scared. But not as scared as he was of the spider that was building a nest over his eyes. "Mmmmm-hmmmm.... mmmm-ffff...." "I had really NO idea you were allergic to spider bites, Heero," said Quatre, shaking his head. "Mmmm-fff." "I'm really sorry you can't use your mouth for three months and will have to have food pumped into your blood supply...." "Dmmm-mmffff." "It's really a pity, we're having a feast tonight." "Mmmmmm-ffff." Heero wanted Quatre to leave the room. Now. "Don't worry, I'll stay right here coping with you...." Quatre began to eat some of the delicous-looking food on his tray,"I hope you don't mind if I eat in front of you?" "Mmmmmmffff." Heero really wanted Quatre to leave. "Mmmm, Rashid really knows how to cook...." "...." Quatre. Leave. Now. "You know, I really wish I could give you some...." Heero began to lift an arm. "Mmmm, I LOVE this stuff," "Mmmm-hmmmm---hmmmmmfff." Suddenly, the tray fell from Quatre's hands, and onto Heero. Well, at least he got his share of food.... "Um, it looks.... interesting." stated Wufei. "You didn't expect the vacume to clean up EVERYTHING, did you?" asked Duo. "Well, the stains form a nice tie-die pattern." Duo nodded,"What do you think, Heero?" Heero's head hurt. Duo had spent two hours using a tiny, yet very loud vacume to clean Heero's cast of the food Quatre had spilled on it. "All that's missing is a little peace sign...." said Wufei, thoughtfully. Duo nodded,"Yeah.... wait, I have an idea, we can paint it on! You won't mind, would you, Heero?" "Mmmmffff." It didn't matter whether Duo had understood what Heero had said.... no matter what, Duo would NOT paint peace signs on Heero's cast. Heero had hidden the paints long before he had been injured, since they stained the carpet. "Now, where'd I leave them?" thought Duo, out loud. Heero gave an inward smile. No one could say Heero wasn't a smart boy. "Oh! There they are! Next to the gnome!" .... and no one said that Heero couldn't be outsmarted. "Goodnight, Heero," "Mmmffff-nmmmmffff," "Let me know if you need anything." After Duo closed the door, Heero closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep.... suddenly, the room got very hot. It was twice as hot for Heero, since he was wearing bandages. "No problem," thought Heero,"The thermostat is right next to my bed," lifting his bandaged arm, he noticed that the thermostat was too far for him to reach.... "No problem, there's a pencil on my bed table," thought Heero. Succesfuly picking up the pencil, Heero tried to adjust the thermostat. Unfortunately, he turned the thermostat to 'very hot' instead of 'cold'. Heero stretched to re-adjust the tempeature, but instead, the thermostat broke, and Heero somehow lost his balance and fell off the bed. Heero muttered an obsenity, then tried, despite wearing casts from head-to-toe, to get back on the bed. Doing so, he broke his already wounded left leg, and his head fell onto.... a gnome's pointed hat? This was all too weird.... Heero didn't remember placing the gnome on his bed.... "Heero! What happened to you?!" exclaimed Duo. "MmmMm-BffFFf." "You fell out of your bed? How?!" asked Quatre. "Mmmm-ttt-mmm-hmmfnnn." Duo bit his lip,"Oh.... ouch." "Whmmm-mmmyuuu-mmyn-ommm,[1]" Heero was a happy boy. His wounds had healed quickly, and now all he had to wear was a cast on his foot, and walk around with crutches. No problem for The Perfect Soldier, right? Unless, of course, you had to get down the stairs. "DUO! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE AND HELP ME!!!!" "Hold on, Heero! Just let me finish this video game!" Heero's stomach growled. He wanted to eat breakfast, and he wanted it now.... but first, he had to get down the stairs. "QUATRE!!!!" "Sorry, Heero, I'm busy doing the laundry! I think you'll have to wait a while...." Heero muttered something, then called,"TROWA!!!! HELP ME GET DOWN THE STAIRS!!!!" "ASK DUO!!!!" Heero sighed,"WUFEI!!!!" "Can you be any rougher?" Wufei rolled his eyes,"Sorry, Heero." "OW! Watch my arm!" "Shut up, you pansy. Can't you take any pain?! Why, back in my day, we didn't HAVE pain reliever! Whenever we got hurt, we had to suffer in silence." "And by then you had covered wagons, right?" muttered Heero. "WE did not!" shouted Wufei, almost letting Heero fall,"But what do you know? You're ugly and a stupid girlie boy. I don't even know why I'm helping you. Back in my day, we didn't get help.... especially not from boys! We were real men!" "Wufei, you're only fifteen." "In my day, we were men at age ten!" "You look worn out, Heero." stated Trowa, casually. "Yeah? Well, you weren't the one listening to Grandpa Wufei talk about his younger years for one and a half hours." "Took that long to get down the stairs, huh?" Just then, Duo ran ran into the kitchen, bowling Heero over. "Duo! GET OFF MY LEG!!!!" "There's a mad dog in the house! Run for your life!" screamed the braided boy. Heero blinked as Duo ran off,"Mad dog?" Trowa shrugged. Then, they saw it.... a giant, disgusting, drooling bulldog with sharp teeth, eyeing Heero with a predatory glare. Trowa eyed the dog calmly,"Down, boy." The dog barked happily, then jumped on Heero. "He doesn't mean any harm." stated Trowa, in his usual monotone. The dog began licking Heero's face. Trowa smiled,"I think he likes you." "Omae o koursou..." Trowa chuckled as the dog began knawing on Heero's cast. "Oh, he wants to play." "Trowa, get this dumb dog off me...." growled Heero. "Why? I think he really likes you.... we don't want to hurt this dog's feelings now, do we? But, OK, if you insist." Opening the fridge, Trowa took a large piece of meat from the freezer. "Hey! You can't feed that to the dog! That's good meat, and I paid thirty bucks for it!" Trowa shrugged,"Sorry, Heero. But you want the dog off, don't you?" "Never mind," muttered Heero, as the dog dragged him out the garden door. "Can you hear me, Hee-chie?" "Shut up, Duo baka," came the muffled response. "Man, Hee-chie, that dog SURE can dig...." "Just get me out." Heero's eyes widened,"GAAAAA! Get that away from me!" "You're covered in garden dirt, Heero. You smell like you're dead!" "Not the vacume.... PLEASE, anything BUT that...." Duo shrugged, and put away his tiny hand-held vacume,"If you say so, Hee-chan. BUT, then you'll need to take a bath, and I don't know how you'll manage with that cast of yours.... unless I help you in?" "No! I'm not being naked in front of YOU!" Duo shrugged,"Have it your way." Heero grumbled as he lay down in bed. As if it wasn't bad enough he had to bathe in his beloved spandex shorts, his bath water was also cold. But Heero braved it for a full half hour.... even when the bathroom window flew open, no complaints from the perfect soldier. Duo nearly had a panic attack when he saw the ordeal Heero had went through.... and swore from now on he'd watch Heero whenever he took a bath.... or just that he'd use his hand-held vacume more often. Peachy. Just peachy. Heero looked to the right, and saw his gnome smiling evily, holding a dogleash and a few small pipes. "What are you smiling about, gnomie?" muttered Heero. The gnome's smile grew a bit more sinister. "You know, sometimes I think you have something to do with all my bad luck. But I guess I'm just being stupid. You don't understand what I'm saying, you're only a statue made of wood, huh Gnomie?" Suddenly, the bed collapsed. Heero eyed the gnome. Some screws fell from its clenched fist. "No, this can't be...." Heero told himself. "Syanora, Gnomester!" muttered Heero, throwing the gnome into a large trash bin. As he walked away, the bin broke and trash spilled all over Heero. The gnome tumbled towards Heero, smiling its usual sadistic smile. Clenching his teeth, Heero picked up the gnome and walked away, thinking where to dispose of it. Then he saw it.... the dog that burried him before. Heero smiled,"Here doggie doggie," he dog's ears perked up. "That's right, doggie, come here, come to papa...." The dog barked and charged at Heero, who waved the gnome at him,"That's right, come here," The dog boweled the cobalt eyed boy over, and began dragging him away. "Not me, you dumb dog! The GNOME!!!!" Quickly, Heero threw the gnome as far as he could. The dog stopped dead and its tracks, and darted off to catch the gnome. "SYANORA! GNOMIE!" screamed Heero. Suddenly, something hit him smack in the head. When the spandex-clad youth's vision vision cleared, he saw.... a GNOME?! "This is getting old," muttered the Wing pilot. The next day, Heero was up early, thinking what to do about his gnome problem. Suddenly, he got an idea. "Maybe if I give someone the gnome, my curse will be lifted!" Heero thought outloud. But who to give it to? "Let's see, Duo has enough bad luck already, Trowa is too nice, I like Quatre a lot.... but Wufei...." Heero's lips curved in a grin. Entering Wufei's room, Heero noticed the Shenlong pilot was conviently gone. "I'll just leave it by his sword," thought Heero. Putting it in the desired place, Heero smiled,"Goodbye once and for all, Gnome. Just don't be to rough on----" suddenly, the 70 pound steel sword fell on Heero's defenseless foot. "Gee, Heero, you sure have a knack for getting into bad luck...." said Duo, shaking his head. "Yeah, and all because of that dumb gnome...." Duo looked up,"Heero, don't blame objects for your bad luck." "But it's cursed, Duo! It's cursed!" The braided boy just smiled,"Right, Heero. Of COURSE it's cursed." "Heero, are you feeling all right?" asked Wufei, raising an eyebrow. "Don't leave." Duo blinked,"Huh?" "The lawn gnome is planning something. Look at his face...." Duo shook his head,"Heero, you're a baka. The gnome, it got no brain, it's made of WOOD. And why would it hurt YOU?" "Because it is cursed." "Look, Hee-chie, I know you're under a lot of stress now...." "I AM NOT! THE GNOME IS EVIL!" insisted Heero. "I am evil. The gnome is a wooden-head. I do admit its smile is a bit creepy, but that's about it!" "But----" "I'm tired, Heero. Good night!" saying this, Duo walked out of Heero's room, closing the door partially, to let some of the hall light in. Heero sighed. This was no use. No one, not even Duo, who was supersticious, believed him. "So, Gnomster? What do you have planned with me next? Torture? Death? Come on, tell me. I don't care anymore." No answer from the stoic gnome. "I don't know WHAT I did to deserve you." Suddenly, the room's ceiling fan turned on, and a small piece of paper fell on Heero. The Wing pilot blinked, and held it to he hes eyes. "What the--- this is the invitation from the present that held you...." Holdinding it up to his eyes, Heero read,"Mr.Yuy.... you are the proud owner of an evil lawn gnome. There is only one of these in the world.... how lucky you must feel." the Wing pilot snorted and read onwards,"But if at all you want to get rid of it, you have to stand on one foot, in your underwear, with a pink tutu, waving a fairy wand and jumping around like a hyperactive monkey singing 'I'm a Little Teapot'. Then, give the gnome, wrapped nicely, with this invitation attatched, to a person you KNOW has a thick head and cannot follow clear directions...." Heero sighed. This was ridiculous. But what did he have to lose? "I'm a little teapot, short and stout.... here is my handle, here is my spout...." "I think Heero's really lost it this time," stated Wufei. Duo smirked,"Not a bad singing voice, though...." "Take me of the kettle," Heero jumped on a chair and did a graceful pirouett,"....and pour me out...." A few hours later, a package wrapped perfectly in gold paper was dropped on a certain OZ leader's doorstep. Eagerly, Treize Khushranada dropped the package on his bed. "To His Excellency Treize Khushranada," read Treize, opening the card, "To Treize Khushranada, I hope you like this present. Don't open till X-mas." Treize chuckled,"Don't open till Christmas. Honestly, Zechs, do you really think I'd follow orders from you? Ha ha." Ripping open the present, Treize held up.... a lawn gnome? "Oh, how thoughtful.... a statue of Marshell Noventa!" THE END.... [OR IS IT?] >Roxanne de Sade strikes again! MUAH-HA-HA-HAAAA!< =========== [1] Translation: "Why are you saying 'ouch'? I'm the one who's hurt." |
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