~~~part one~~~ Naughty, wicked, bad, sinful, yep she Willow Anne Rosenberg was all of these things. She was positive that she was on a one way ticket to the bowels of hell. She was betraying her best friend, but as hard as she tried to stop it she didn't seem to have any control. Night after night she did the unthinkable, the one thing that she never thought she could do to her best friend...ever. But during her dreams it felt so right, as though it was as natural as breathing. Then every morning when she woke she felt the familiar guilt set in, making her more ashamed of herself then she ever had been. She knew that everyone perceived her as the quiet little shy mouse, as pure and virginal as the first fallen snow in winter. But they were wrong; she was a horrible, horrible person. Because every night, no matter how hard she tried not to, she had the dreams. They were never the same the scenery changed, the location different. In fact the dreams started out pretty innocent. They talked, laughed, and were just friends. But then it happened, and after that it was never the same. She hadn't slept in three days. Drinking as much coffee as her system could tolerate. Taking No Doze to the point her body tried to reject the stimulant. But she couldn't face another morning of the shame and guilt; it was slowly tearing her apart. If she could find a way to stop the dreams, stop herself then maybe she could go on living life like a normal high school senior. Her feelings from the dreams were bleeding into real life, making it hard to separate the two. She had to be on her toes, reminding herself what was real, and what only lived at night in her dreams. Yes she Willow Anne Rosenberg was a slut. That was the only way she could keep having dreams where she had sex with her best friend's soulmate. ~~~*~~~ "I think it would be wise if we split up." Giles looked at the group of teens gathered in front of him, feeling that odd mixture of wanting to keep them safely tucked away from the evils of the night, and the need to make sure the oblivious residents of Sunnydale saw another sunrise. "Calm down Tweed Man, it's just a nest of vampires." Xander shrugged, reaching forward to grab another hand full of chips. "You don't find it sad that we think of a nest of vamps as a walk in the park?" Buffy joked with her friend. Cordelia snorted and continued to file her nails. Giles bit his tongue from spewing yet another lecture about needing to be prepared for the worst. They already knew this, and it was their habit to use glib words to get them through whatever trepidation they had for the upcoming fight. "Where's Willow? Shouldn't she be here by now?" Giles looked at the clock hanging over the library doors, eight-fifteen. The redhead was forty-five minutes late. "I saw her during English, she said she was coming tonight." Xander picked up a pencil and tried to balance it on end. "She told me at lunch that she was going to go home after school, do some homework then meet back here." Buffy jumped onto the edge of the table swinging her legs over the edge. "If you ask me someone really needs to let Willow in on the eighth wonder of the world." Cordelia extended her hand to survey her craftsmanship, stopping at the stares she was once again receiving. "Conselor duh. That girl's got more baggage under her eyes than Tammy Faye Baker." "She has looked a little rough around the edges lately. Perhaps she should stay here tonight." Buffy thought about Cordelia's blunt but truthful words. "I'm sure she's just studying too much, you know midterms and all." Xander shrugged his shoulders. "Right." Cordelia rolled her eyes at Xander's inability to see what was right in front of his face. "Perhaps we should talk to her?" Giles removed his glasses, cleaning the already spotless lenses. "Talk to who?" Angel asked from the stacks having just arrived at the tail end of the group's conversation. Everyone jumped, and he looked apologetically at them all. "Damnit Dead boy, you my have an eternity to look forward to, but we don't." Xander glared at the vampire, still not understanding why they let that killer back into the group again. They spent months being tormented by his bastard alter ego, then poof Soul boy comes back and it was welcome home with arms wide open. "Sorry." Angel muttered, walking up behind Buffy and resting his hands on her shoulders. Turning around Buffy smiled up at Angel, "We're talking about Willow. We've been so busy with the nasties of the night that we haven't noticed how worn out she's getting." Angel looked unconvinced. "I've noticed it too, but the demon activity hasn't been as bad as it has been in the past." Something tugged at Angel's mind, nagging him to remember something that was just in his grasp. "I'm telling you it's just midterm stress." Xander glared at the vampire, hating the concerned expression that haunted the vampire's face. "She's been *my* friend all my life, I think I know her by now." Angel and Xander locked glares. "Here's an idea...Ask her." Standing up from the table, Cordelia grabbed her jacket and purse. "Ahh...honey where are you going?" Xander kept his eyes locked with Angel's, refusing to lose this battle. "It's after sunset and Willow still isn't here. I'm going to drive to her house and give her a ride." "Wow Cordelia that's close to being friendly you know. You aren't going to melt are you?" Buffy smiled over at the brunette teasing. Rolling her eyes at the slayer, Cordelia gave Xander a kiss on his cheek and headed toward the library doors. ~~~*~~~ Cordelia pulled up to Willow's house and cut off the engine. The house was dark except for two windows on the upper floor. Hesitantly she opened the car door and made her way up to the redhead's front porch. Perhaps this wasn't the best idea. Sure she helped the group out now that she was dating one of the members, but Xander was always around to smooth over the tension that years of ridicule and verbal attacks had caused. For the hundredth time since officially becoming a part of the Scooby gang Cordelia wished she hadn't been so harsh to Willow. The redhead had actually turned out to be a pretty okay person. The other's might think that Willow was just tired, but having seen all that the Hellmouth could throw, Cordelia knew better. There was something going on with the young witch, and the others were being oblivious. Reaching the porch Cordelia tried to peer into the darkened windows. Knocking softly on the front door she waited a moment to hear footsteps coming from inside, but was disappointed to hear nothing. Knocking again, she waited until her nerves could take no more. She wasn't fool enough to stand on a dark porch after sunset in Sunnydale. Placing her hand on the doorknob she let out a long sigh of relief when the metal object turned. Taking a tentative step inside Cordelia peered around the darkened living room. A sound from upstairs made her jump. "Willow?" Waiting to hear the other girl's response, Cordelia sighed when there was none. Taking the steps one at a time, Cordelia saw light illuminating from under a closed door. Taking a look around Cordelia walked over to the closed door. "This is how the pretty girl always gets killed in the movies. By being way too curious." Just as she reached the door a whimper came from inside. "Willow?" Opening the door Cordelia gasped as she viewed Willow huddled in the corner of the bathroom. "Oh Willow are you okay?" Rushing to the redhead's side she embraced the much smaller redhead. Willow made no response at first, and then silent tears fell from her eyes. Soon the tears turned into sobs as Willow rocked back and forth. "Willow you're going to have to help me here. This being nice thing is new to me." Cordelia tried to tease, but Willow still made no response. "Should I call Buffy?" Willow tensed. "N-No. Please don't, I don't think I can face her." "Okay...What about Xander." Willow shook her head. "Giles? Oh maybe Angel?" "NO! Not Angel. Please no one can see me like this. They'll start asking all sorts of questions that I can't answer." Snapping out of whatever stupor she was in Willow wiped her eyes and stood up. "I'll be fine." The look on Cordelia's face said that she didn't believe a word. "Really. I'm...I'm just tired.... Cordelia why are you here? Not that I mind that you are...here. But well I thought you hated me." Cordelia looked down, feeling that she again overstepped the invisible boundary that was set up when she started dating Xander. "I...We were worried. You were supposed to be at the library much earlier and... I'll go." Willow felt horrible. Cordelia had really been trying hard to get along with all of them. "No don't. I'll be ready in a few minutes." Reaching out Willow stopped Cordelia before the other girl could retreat from the bathroom. "I appreciate it that you came for me." Nodding a little relieved Cordelia tried to smile. "I'll wait for you in your bedroom." Willow sighed when Cordelia left her alone. It had happened again. She really hadn't meant to fall asleep, but after three days of staying awake she couldn't help it. Those damn dreams wouldn't stop coming. She had tried several spells to stop from dreaming, but either she had done them wrong, (which was very likely.) Or they weren't working because the spells were meant for getting rid of nightmares. Her dreams were by no means nightmares, except while she was awake and around her friends. Looking into the mirror, Willow groaned at the sight. She looked horrible. In the last two weeks she had lost ten pounds, leaving her pale and haggard. Dark circles rimed her eyes, making her look like a raccoon. Sick of looking at her reflection, Willow briefly considered a glamour spell. She didn't have time right now with Cordelia in the next room, but perhaps tonight after they were done with the Slayerette stuff. Hurriedly she washed her face, and brushed her hair back into a ponytail, Willow hurried to her bedroom to get Cordelia. "Ready?" "Are you sure you're up to it?" Cordelia was sitting on the bed looking doubtfully back at her. "I'm fine." "Willow come on. You can fool Xander because... well because he's Xander. You can fool Buffy because that girl has tons of stuff on her mind. Even Giles, because well he's British. I've known you all my life. We may not have been bestest buds or anything, but you can't fool me. What's going on?" Willow's heart quickened. Of all the people to catch on, she thought that Cordelia would be the last one. "I don't know what you're talking about." Cordelia got a guilty expression and held up the dream journal that she had started to keep after the dreams started. "Cordelia!" Willow cried out grabbing the book from the brunette's hands. A mixture of embarrassment and anger pumped through her veins. "I'm not going to say I'm sorry. Damnit Willow when was the last time you had some real sleep. As in the eight hours a night kind?" Cordelia's voice sounded concerned and not condemning, and Willow relaxed a little. "I can't remember." "Okay that's healthy. Willow why didn't you say anything?" Willow sat down on the bed next to the other girl and put her head in her hands. "Well you read enough to know why I'm not sleeping, why do you think I haven't said anything?" "So you're having dreams about Angel, so what! He's dreamy, who wouldn't dream about him?" "Have you?" Willow peeked out . "Umm, no. But I would." Cordelia decided to take another tactic. "Okay so perhaps telling Buffy would be a little uncomfortable. But there's Xander... hmm that wouldn't go well either. Giles would just start stuttering. That just leaves Angel and me, and Angel's out for obvious reasons. And we aren't the closest.... Okay I get *why* you never said anything. But how long did you think you were going to last without telling anyone?" "Umm forever?" Willow looked up tears falling down her face. "You don't understand. These dream they're so real." "Willow you can tell me, I wont tell anyone else... I swear." Holding her hand up and crossing her chest, Willow couldn't help but smile. "You'll think I'm a freak." "Hate to disappoint you but it a little too late for that, I think we're all freaks. There's not much that can distort my mind now." Willow actually giggled. "Fine, but I warned you." Pausing, trying to find the right place to start Willow let out a long breath. "It all started shortly before Angel came back from..." "Hell." Cordelia supplied. "Yes Hell." Folding her hands in her lap, Willow took a moment trying to think of the best way she was going to explain this to Cordelia. " At fist I only caught glimpses of him in my dreams. I'd be in a crowd, and see him out of the corner of my eye. When I'd turn to look he'd be gone. After a few nights I started searching for him in my dreams. Just knowing that he was there, watching from the shadows." "That does sound like Angel." Willow gave a weak smile. It was something Angel would do. "Then one night I dreamt I was on a deserted beach at night. The moon was reflecting off the water, I could practically smell the salt in the air. I remember I was barefoot, squishing sand through my toes. I went to the water's edge, the water barely reaching were I stood." Sitting silently, listening as Willow lost herself in the telling of her dreams. Cordelia swore she could see everything as Willow described it. Not wanting to break the spell the redhead was in, Cordelia waited patiently for Willow to continue. "I stood that way for a long time, enjoying the peacefulness of the empty beach. Then I felt him. I knew that Angel was behind me, there were some large rocks about ten feet behind me. I could feel his eyes on my back, watching me. I didn't want to turn around, scared that he'd just vanish again. So I waited, it seemed like years that I just stood there watching the water, him watching me. Then he was by my side. His hands were in his pockets, his feet bare like mine. When I had the courage to look up next to me, I watched him as he looked out onto the water." A tear spilled from Willow's eye and traveled down her cheek. "I knew at that moment why Buffy ran away, and what happened to Angel. He was dead, gone. And no matter what spells I performed, no matter how much I wished he were coming back he wasn't. All because I couldn't do one small pathetic spell right." Her voice grew with bitterness and Willow finally swiped at the stray tear before it fell off her jaw. "But you did Willow. He got his soul." Her own heart tightening, Cordelia felt guilty. She known that last summer Willow had been carrying around so much guilt. No wonder she was having these dreams. "Yeah, but not in time huh? Anyways we stood there for what seemed to be forever, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I reached out, just to see if I could feel him...  He took my hand into his and gave it a tight squeeze, as though to let me know everything was going to be all right. It wasn't until I was almost awake that he said anything." "What did he say?" "That he was sorry. For everything. For hurting us, for killing Miss Calendar, for it all. Then he was gone and I was awake. The next dream I was sitting in front of a campfire. I could feel the warmth on my face, hear the logs crackling. He came and sat next to me, taking my hand into his again. We sat in silence for awhile until I started asking him questions. Like where he was, what happened, why he was now in my dreams. He said he was in a demon dimension, a place we would consider hell. That I had been successful, but so had Angelus and that Buffy did what she had to. That he was able to come to my dreams because our souls are intertwined from the spell, because I had finally forgiven him. Was able to trust him again." "For what? It was Angelus that caused all the pain." Cordelia looked confused. "Sure we say that now, but think about our frame of minds last summer. We were still battle scarred emotionally, still haunted by the fear of what Angelus would've done had he ever gotten a hold of us. We all liked Angel, perhaps at different degrees, but we had all trusted him with our lives at one time or another.  Then he's gone, and the Big Bad is there threatening us from every shadow. There were just some issues that I know I had to get through before I could completely trust Angel again. When I was able to, he was able to come to my dreams through the bond I created when I gave him back his soul." "Cursed him you mean." "No- gave him. I didn't do it to be vindictive or with any malice in my heart, but out of friendship. I wanted my friend back." Cordelia mulled this over for a moment. "So the clause?" "Cordelia I don't know. See now you're starting to think that this is real. Remember these are things that came to me in my dreams. I need you to stay grounded, because honestly I am having huge problems telling reality and my dreams apart right now." "Okay grounded, I can do that." Willow nodded, feeling better all ready by being able to confide in someone, even if it were Cordelia Chase. "I told him about how Buffy disappeared, that we were looking... but well you lived through that you know. He was upset that she abandoned her responsibilities, her mother and us. I told him how we took up the slayer duties. That it had taken all four of us to do them, but we got it done.  It was his idea to use the walkie-talkies." "Remind me to thank him...never mind, grounded staying grounded here." "Every night he was there. We'd talk for hours about everything. I confided in him about my childhood crush on Xander, and how I felt that Oz and I were forcing our relationship. That we knew it wasn't going to work, but neither of us wanting to be the one to call things off." "I was wondering about Oz's sudden need to tour with the band." Cordelia commented. "Anyways one night shortly after Oz left, Angel and I were sitting on the beach. He was reading out loud from a book I've never heard of before. I was laying back, just listening to his voice. I had my eyes closed, and it happened." "What?" "He kissed me. I've never felt anything like it before. My toes curled, I couldn't breathe, and my insides felt all tingly.  I don't know who was more shocked him or me. We just stared at one another, until he kissed me again. I remember that I was going to stop him. There was so many reasons why I should have, but I didn't...and we ummm." "Made love. Oh my God Willow." Cordelia was so wrapped up in Willow's dream that she hadn't noticed that she started crying. The emotions that were coming through the redhead's words, and the way Willow lost herself while telling her made it so real. "So then what happened?" "Buffy came back." "Oh." "I continued dreaming of Angel. I kept telling myself that I couldn't sleep with him again. That it was wrong. I tried, really I did. But well..." Willow let the sentence drop, knowing that Cordelia was smart enough to fill in the blanks. "About two weeks after Buffy came back something weird happened. Angel told me that he was coming back. That he was told that he was needed here. So when we all found out he was back I wasn't all that surprised." "Oh wow." "It's killing me having to be around him, and not have him like he is in my dreams. To have to watch as he and Buffy try and make things work. It makes me ill that I want my best friend's boyfriend. So I try not to sleep, no dreams that way." Willow stood and ran a hand through her limp hair. "But you're killing yourself in the process." Cordelia's voice was filled with concern. "You have to sleep Willow." "I know that." Wrapping her arms around her waist, Willow started crying again. "I know it's not healthy, that they're just dreams, that Angel isn't mine but Buffy's. But it doesn't matter, because every time I fall asleep he's there, and I'm not strong enough to say no." Cordelia stood and waked over to Willow, hugging her with all her might. "If you let me, I'll be here for you Willow. I know I haven't been the nicest person in the world, but please let me help." Nodding Willow excepted the other girl's friendship. She needed to have someone she could talk to about her dreams, and at this moment it didn't matter if it was the one girl who had terrorized her since kindergarten.

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