(a sample of Drema's sarcasm)
Drema: It's hard being dead. You should try it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: I'd take notes, but I can't write.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: That's crazy talk!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Rruk taking inventory of marching order)
Rruk: We've got three people on a deer, a floating disk, two running elves and an invisible barbarian...and a partridge in a pear tree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(A city boy in a Druid's forest...)
Tyuris: No offense to Sharna, but the woods creep the sh*t out of me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Stumbling across a little out-of-place building in the woods)
Tyuris: Oh, THAT'S where the Temple of Elemental Evil went!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(To a mysterious stranger hunting for one of the legendary Five Swords)
Tyuris: Well, I'm afraid the forces of darkness have already buggered off with your sword.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ah, a brain drain on our poor sorcerer. And a talking tree.)
Hearom: The tree said she was NUTS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: Is she moving?
DM: No. She's not moving. But then...she's a tree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: Can we follow Rruk? Maybe she left a trail.
Drema: Rruk?! Leave a trail?! Are you HIGH?!
Cailet: They better get back soon or this food's gonna burn.
Drema: Hard tack is NOT gonna burn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Tyuris got kidnapped and hatched from an egg, in a very slimy way)
Tyuris: I have been tested by the Goddess and I passed!
Drema: That's nice. Perhaps you should bathe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(And in the process, thoroughly slimed himself and his would-be rescuer, Rruk)
Tyuris: (naked in stream with surprised, naked, bathing Rruk) Oh! Hullo, Rruk. Sorry I got...goo...all over you
Rruk: Oh...er...that's all right... just...don't let it happen again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet to a whining Hearom: Oh, stop acting like ME!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: I eat chaos for breakfast!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guardsman: What did you say your name was?
Jack: Random...Jack Random.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(A rather lousy roll on a Bluff Check after being caught snooping around a thieves' guild hideout)
Tyuris: I *don't* think this is the right *shop*, DEAR, it looks *closed*!
Drema: Why, oh my *goodness* you're right.
Hearom: Dear me. And I was SOOOO looking forward to trying on that dress.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: Wait. They're fine with Elves, but they've never heard of Dwarves?
Rruk: I think I like this place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Another blustery introduction from the Cleric)
Tyuris: (Ominously) We are friends of the Raven who come t—
Amalthyon: We *know*, Tyuris. Come in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: (To Hearom, as Cailet's 'alarm' spell is going off in the middle of the night) Can you cast Snooze on Bard?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: (To a praying Tyuris) Tyuris?...Oh, I'll wait until you are done. *three seconds pass* Are you done?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(When there's evil afoot, Drema feels it in an unusual way. Fortunately, no evil was present in this room...)
Drema: This room is not itchy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ah the beauty of a DM with a soundtrack and an unfamiliar volume control button...)
DM: Rruk, you get to the temple of Vkandis and-- *MUSIC BLASTS*
Entire party: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Cailet, do you people write down historical detail?
Cailet: Oh yes. Everything.
Drema: Hmm. How tedious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: (About Old Gurdy) Oh! Bless his old, shriveled heart!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: I've BEEN to the Abyss. NOT a fun place.
Drema & Hearom in unison: Nooo!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Most of Fortune's Children's early attempts to get to cities found them destroyed. It's odd to find one intact.)
Drema: Well. We're not wading through blood and gore to get to the city walls, which is positive...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guard: But, you're dead, Jack...I saw your body!
Jack: Well, death, I've learned is one of those... transient things
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: If anyone had gay-dar, it *would* be the Druid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Now, see, our innocent druid Sharna has a nifty little reaction to holy water blessed by her goddess. Kind of like alcohol. Only stronger.)
Sharna: (Asking an innkeeper) Is your water perhaps...blessed by the Earth Mother?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: (In a bathhouse with Drema) Do you have any idea how hard it is to wash behind *these* ears?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The innkeeper happened to have a copy of the "Gay Kama Sutra" under the bar, which the thief immediately pilfered and started flipping through)
Cailet: (Drunk) I don't think men are supposed to be together...you know...like *that*.
Rruk: (Drunker) Oh, sure they can. It can work. It's been done.
Cailet: But wouldn't it...you know...HURT?!
Rruk: *looks at section on natural lubricants* Not if you have mangos.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: Honestly, I don't know how gay relationships work.
Tyuris' Player: Well, they don't, really.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: (Teaching the extraordinarily nimble and dextrous Rruk to play the tin whistle) Do an accidental with half-hole, turn your finger sideways.
Rruk: *tries, fails and sighs* I don't have the dexterity for that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: (Upon learning a surprising fact about her character's people) You'll have to forgive me, I just found out I'm a cannibal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: Who has an Initiative of 22? 21? 20?
Tyuris: Wheeeeeeeeee!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Sharna burned my pants off me!
Sharna: I did not! You walked into that fire!
Drema: Oh, tomayto, tomahto.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: What are gangs?
Tyuris: Groups of thieves.
Cailet: Bad people. Itchy people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Bad isn't *necessarily* bad. Well, it is. But it isn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: *pokes her breakfast* What is this? Is this an egg? It looks like an egg.
(Drema's folk... don't eat eggs. They're all about personal choice and eating the unborn is tabbo. Fortune's Children have to bluff her into thinking they're eating weird fungus most times.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack: You can't get more chaotic than scrambled eggs!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Well, that's how we keep warm in the North. F*cking like bunnies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mica: (Deciding when to leave Rruk's company and get on the road) I think I'll leave at dusk. Maybe I'll leave at midnight. Perhaps at dawn. Or after breakfast. Do you guys have elevensies?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack: (As Cailet falls over, not breathing) Tyuris, we have a problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: Who, Mica? Of course he's a good fighter. One hundred and fifty years of no sex? LOTS of free time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: But they're intelligent undead!
Rruk: If they were intelligent undead, they'd go and lie in their graves!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Yes, well, I've died three times. You get used to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: Jack, do a listen check.
Jack: *rolls a nat 1* I don't hear jack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: (Impatiently talking to his goddess) Yes, I know it's going to be wonderful and fabulous and have a cast of thousands, but we have to get going!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearom (About Drema who's in Holy Rage: That's out-RAGE-ous!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: Dar'shan?
Dar'shan: Yes?
Sharna: Can you see in the dark?
Dar'shan: Um...no. I'm an eagle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Rruk and Drema looting the seemingly dead body of a troll)
Rruk: I think he's dead. He smelled dead. Maybe you should prod him with your axe.
Drema: I smelled the leg, my job is done!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: DEATH! Death to...uh... DREMA! She's died a lot, she can handle it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: Why can't we ever go to the Elemental Plane of Ice Cream?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: I hear six sets of hoofbeats. Horses.
Drema: Do they sound like undead horses?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: (Holding a child's ball) How does it work?
Boy: Well...you bounce it.
Sharna: *bounces ball* Ha! Fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Cailet is trying to convince Rruk to eat in public, which is against her people's code of etiquette.)
Rruk: Yes. It's an apple. I've had them before. I don't think they've changed the recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris' Player: (As a gay Roc) I shall GRAB you in my big talons and EAT you, you BAD MAN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: (Talking about life in a wonderfully decadent brothel) I could get used to this. Oh wait, I already have.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk, to Cailet: I haven't had sex for thirty five years, and even *I* can say "contraceptive" without blushing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: The North? It's great. Lots of barbarians having sex in shadowy places...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: The last time I tried to get laid, they all tried to kill us!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: Drow do it hanging upside down.
Rruk: We do NOT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet's Player: Whore prestige class? How do you get into THAT?
DM: AMAZING amounts of f*cking!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Naked Tyuris to Naked Hearom in a hot spring, about his magic: Even to a friend, you don't want to expose yourself *glances down at Hearom's package* unnecessarily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mica: (Holding fruit and trying to silence Tyuris) Tyuris. Open your mouth.
Tyuris: Not unless you pay!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Oooh! Look what happened to my gauntlets!
Old Gurdy: Well, well! Spontaneous improved enchantment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: (Swindling a swindler) What if we trade the cheap gems for the pearl?
Tyuris: I'm casting Hypnotism on him.
Drema: Oh well, Tyuris the Impulsive Wonder strikes again...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: You see Emerald, who is just as exotic as Rruk.
Rruk's Player: *blows hair out of face* Except without the cool 'pointy ear' thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: (Having been slipped mickey) It's funny...that in Human...er...Common...*your* language... that 'condemn' and 'condone' are so similar.
Tyuris: (Similarly afflicted) Yes...they both involve cons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: (About why Tyuris is being so erratic) He's distracted and tired and has had a lot of rough...um... never mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris trying to teach Rruk how to smoke a pipe: You just...put it in your mouth and suck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: Are there any people invisible inside the gates?
DM: No, you don't see any invisible people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: My mother was a TREE, not a wolf!
Drema: No one will ever believe that, take it out of the act.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Drema was being questioned about a frightening barbarian habit.)
Drema: No not us, a different barbarian, weird, clan.
Tyuris: (a la Eddie Izzard) F*uckin' weirdo barbarians! *points at Drema* EXECUTIVE barbarian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Once you've had Raven, you never go back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: Well, this is convenient. Assuming we survive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: Thank you for your subtlety, please drive through.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: (Trying to describe Tyuris and Drema, who are in hiding in the town somewhere to an innkeeper)They've got dark hair and...uh...
Innkeeper: (Sarcastically) Well, do they answer to any names, perhaps?
Cailet: No. No, they don't, actually.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk's Player: When Drizzt was born, his mother screamed her head off.
DM: Yeah, but he had purple eyes.
Rruk's Player: Yes, and purple-eyed babies hurt more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: (Speaking about one of our friends possibly associating with an evil cult) If you are hanging out with the Belsamethians, I will be MOST put out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dar'Shan: Oh, and the thing with the glass and the humans—
Sharna: House.
Dar'Shan: YES!
Sharna: (Proudly) I learned that word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: Never touch the undead.
Drema: More importantly, never lick them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Oh, look! It's a red thing on the bottom of my axe! It's Rruk's blood!
Rruk: (One hit point away from dead) Yeah, thanks for that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: Well, I thought being the scary guy the priests would respect was a good idea, so I glamoured myself to look like Arak. And the bad guys stopped. But then Drema raged and almost killed me. Failure in the plan. Back to the drawing board.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: Tyuris, you put on the circlet and your mind is calmer.
Tyuris: (To Drema, trembling with anticipation) Drema! Drema! Do I look any different to you? Do I look like a giant whale or something?
Drema: You look calmer.
Tyuris: Hearom! Can you identify this magical item? (points to his head)
Hearom: Yeah. It's a circlet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: My whole world is crumbling around me!
Sharna: Welcome to my world. Would you like some holy water?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: (To Jack) *CLANG* Jack!...do you ALWAYS have to wear armor to bed?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: The statue pulls the rope up a few feet and anchors it.
Hearom: Smart statue.
Tyuris: Oh, we have ALL the best statues.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: Screw you!
Cailet: On the altar?!
Tyuris: Shut up, you're dead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The Knives are an elite branch of temple guardians and assassins of Olidamarra who are permanently invisible as a part of their duties)
Tyuris: There's a Knife here, he's a friend. He's invisible, so if you see anything invisible...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: (After the Knife is made visible) Why are all the cute ones invisible?!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Well, I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is, if I leave, you're all going to die. The worse new is—
Sharna: -You're leaving?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Heheheheh. The Frothing Otter is the Motel 6 of Aerysian taverns. And run by a very attentive, very cheerful, very VERY annoying staff)
Frothing Otter Innkeeper: Hi! How can I help you tonight?
Cailet: Do you EVER sleep?
Innkeeper: Oh. There's three of us. We're triplets.
Cailet: So if I kill you, there's two more?
Innkeeper: Well, there'd be a significant penalty to your bill...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyuris: Get them all excited over a rumour, but it's actually true?
Hearom: OH yes!
Tyuris: OH I like it!
Hearom: OH I thought you would!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Even super stealthy elves occasionally fail Move Silently checks)
Guard: (As Rruk creeps closer) Can we help you, ma'am?
Rruk: (Embarrassed beyond belief)Uh...no.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Gotta love that dry familiar humor!
Sharna: Thank you Dar'Shan, you're a doll!
Dar'Shan: Actually, I'm a bird.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: I started running. Then Rruk shot me twice in the back. I stopped running.
Rruk: It was an ACCIDENT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: The bad news is the survivors are being beaten and enslaved and bodies are being burned—
Cailet: What's the GOOD news?
Drema: Wait. I still have more bad news.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearom: It's a huge spider. I think it's intelligent. Don't know how to find out without going all dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk's Player: What did the GM do with me while I wasn't at game? Was I nancing about on top of the snow?
Cailet's Player: No, you were an elf nancing about on top of your horse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearom: You know, I could always Fireball him...
Rruk: *Frost Elf cowers quickly from much heat* You keep your gaseous explusions to yourself!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearom: We can ask Old Gurdy about it when we find him again. If he's stopped aging backwards...
Rruk: Old Gurdy is going to be TWO and gnawing on something by the time we find him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: Anybody got a good book?
Hearom: Sure do! *holds up the blank, fake spellbook*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: I only just started talking to my horse last night, and now I'm getting a monumental --JACK?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: I wanted to kill him, but my horse told me not to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack: Sharna? God! You're f*cking *blind*!
Sharna: I'm sorry...I didn't see the horse either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack: Somebody got off that imaginary horse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: What, Winter? Rruk is stuck in the well? Good horsey!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NPC to Sharna: So, you have a crush on a dragon, kissed a tree and had sex with a sorcerer. Got it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Durgeddin: Hi! I'm a god. Can I camp out here?
Villagers: YES!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: Too bad it's not Mica's shape-changing sword. Then you could just go, 'Sword into Spoon!'" Ice cream?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: (Definitely being a "country girl") Yes, I know. We do unnatural stuff all the time. Like sleeping in beds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: They have that look that says that bigger things than him have tried to kill them before.
Drema: Bigger things than him **HAVE** killed us before!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack: (Rallying the villagers to battle) The mobile infantry wants YOU!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: Okay, so Alaric puts you in stables--
Sir Alaric: No, I put their HORSES in stables!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sir Alaric: That's Sir ALARIC.
Sharna: Got it. Sir Allergic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sir Alaric: (Leaving the ragged and mud-caked Fortune's Children alone in a very ritzy palace room) I'll be back. Don't. Touch. Anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sir Alaric: (Leading Fortune's Children into the sewers under the palace) Feel free to touch anything you like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearom: I took a bath...in a RIVER OF DEAD RATS!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearom: It's not moving fast enough!
DM: It's destroying the fabric of an alternate reality. Give it some time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sir Alaric: And then he had a bonding moment with the halfling.
DM: He BONDED with the halfling? If they have children, would it be a three-quarter-ling?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sir Alaric: Younger Gurdy? What's next, Baby Gurdy? Embryo Gurdy? Glint in the Milkman's Eye Gurdy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nobleman: May I please ask why you chose to interrupt my sleep in the middle of the night?
Sharna: Because it is difficult to interrupt sleep during the day?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: Are there any compartments in your carriage which are hidden?
Nobleman: No.
Cailet: Are you sure?
Nobleman: *miffed* I hope you are not accusing me of lying, or of being unfamiliar with my own carriage! I ride in it every day!
Jack: All right, good enough. (Softly, to Cailet) Search it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Jack, you keep your Lawful Good mitts off my dad!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nathaniel: Aren't YOU the cute one!
Rruk: (To Cailet) Did he call me 'cute'?
Cailet: Yes. Don't kill him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loden: The barbarian just said 'pursuant' -- I am very impressed!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: It's not technically necrophilia if they're still moving...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nathaniel: Drake, a deer, a half-dragon deer...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: This is Rruk. She's my great-great-grandmother. ...in-law.
Nathaniel: Really?! You don't look a day over a hundred and forty!
Rruk: I am not. I am one hundred and thirty nine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema's Player: Loden, did you just whap Cailet?
Loden's Player: She was tormenting me with a purple hippo!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: So...you're in the Abyss....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: My mom's in the Abyss?! That's a downer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: The spider goddess reaches out both hands at Drema and Rruk, and you are both covered in thousands of tiny dead and living spiders.
Drema and Rruk (Simultaneously): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GM: The spider goddess closes the wall of force and Drema and Rruk are trapped inside with her.
Drema and Rruk: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GM: The wall of force starts filling up with slimy, watery goo.
Drema and Rruk: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: You're letting the lizard guy into Breasal?
Loden: It would be against hospitality not to do.
Cailet: I thought we were the first foreigners in over a thousand years to be able to enter your country!
Loden: Eh. In for a penny, in for a pound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loden: (In a rare brain dead moment) I'm glowing like...a big...glowing...thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: (After escaping the Arcane Eyes tailing her) It's all fun and games until someone loses five eyes. Then it's just fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cailet: *flips off Rruk with three fingers* Read between the lines, Rruk.
Rruk: I can SHOOT between the lines, Cailet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna's Player: Do you think "Steak & Ale" will accept a letter of credit from Breasal?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: I was just trying to help Rruk.
Cailet: Well, you failed miserably.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Serrath and Rruk in a tumbling contest)
Rruk: I seem to be winning our little pissing contest.
Serrath: At least I don't need a stencil.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Serrath: (Standing at locked door, calling to Rruk) Ohhhh Trap Monkey!
Rruk: No way, I got poisoned on the last door, it's Cailet's turn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loden: Serrath, could you run back and forth through the dimensional portal a few times? That'd be great.
Serrath: Lick my scaly silver nuts!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loden: I can D-Door six people
Cailet: Convenient how that's how many of us there are, surviving.
Serrath: Yeah, now that Mica died the ground beef death.
Rruk: *chokes, sobs*
Cailet: Was that absolutely necessary?!
Serrath: Yes. Yes, it was.
Rruk: *sniff*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Serrath: I go back through the portal.
Cailet: NOOOO!!!!!
Serrath: Hey, intelligence drain, I'm at an 11!
Rruk: That's still above average! You're still better than all of Arkansas and most of Tennessee!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Evil Cailet: (To Sharna) Oh, shut up! You wouldn't be doing this little semantics shit if I hadn't tortured you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: Do we have anything really expensive that we can give to Sharna as a thank-you gift?
Mica: Well, yes...but such things are usually wasted on Sharna, being a druid with a vow of poverty and all.
Rruk: Right. Do we have anything really...dirty...that we can give to Sharna as a thank-you gift?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: And Sharna's hair is very wild.
Baysan: Does she, like, STORE stuff in it?
Sharna: Not on purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fennec: Can someone please explain to me the situation we're in the middle of?
Sharna: Well, there are these city people who have titles of some kind for some reason....
Fennec: Can someone who understands politics please explain?
Loden: Well, I've only heard the story secondhand, but it seems that--
Fennec: Can someone who has BEEN there and understands, PLEASE explain!? *looks to Rruk*
Rruk: *blinks* *silence*
Fennec: All right, can someone who actually SPEAKS explain?!
Jack: I guess that leaves me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk: (Trying to get a word in edgewise to Baysan) Are your people matriar-- Are y-- Excuse me, are-- *sighs and turns to Loden* Are her people matriarchal?
Loden: I don't know. They seem to be.
Rruk: She talks a lot.
Loden. Yes. She does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: I'll turn the water on.
DM: There doesn't seem to be a tap or anything.
Sharna: Okay, I'll do what I always do.
Baysan: Throw a rock at it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loden's Player: Sharna, how many bad guys are near you?
Sharna's Player: Well, I *was* surrounded, but then Rruk happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharna: Our path is blocked by a sleeping god.
Fox: So, how do we awaken him? Push him over?
Fennec: God-Tipping.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loden: Can you tell if he's asleep?
Drema: He's not moving.
Loden: That doesn't necessarily mean he's asleep
Drema: Want me to throw a rock at him?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: Baysan, do your people have flying ships?
Fennec: No
Baysan: If we did, you'd all be vassals!
Loden: *grins proudly* Actually, the last flying ships that came to Breasal didn't fare too well...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loden: Ooh, an Orb of Getting a Straight Answer Out of Olidamarra? Fabulous.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rruk's Player: My initiative is 34. What's yours, Fox?
Fox' Player: I rolled a 13.
Rruk's Player: Add your modifier to that.
Fox's Player: I already DID.
Rruk's Player: Oh... I thought... because you're an elf...
Fox's Player: NO. But, thanks for trying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DM: Rruk, you feel like one of your babies is clawing at you from inside the womb.
Rruk: Ack... which one?
Drema: THE EVIL ONE! Good babies don't have claws!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Olidamarra: (Whispers to Drema) Something is broken...
Drema: (Whispers to Loden) Something is broken...
Loden: I have just been able to divine through my magic that something is broken! Hey, I just pulled a Rruk/Jack!
Rruk: Jack never actually takes CREDIT for what I whisper to him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baysan: (Upon seeing a fountain filled with wine) Dude, Bacchus took a piss!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fennec's Player being silly: Son of a bitch -- gay Rastafarian ninja pirates!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(After Loden having had the misfortune of screwing up Dimension Door on two different occasions due to antimagic and other craziness)
Baysan: Oh, so THAT'S what that looks like!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loden: (Talking about some Gith assassins sent to follow the party) I fear these guys are semi-badasses. Thus we shall have to kill them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fennec: (Talking about Sharna) I recommend not getting into a fight without our hit point vending machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fennec: (To Loden) Don't let it in your head.
Loden: Oh, I didn't say MY head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drema: (After eating some of a Gith assassin's skin to intimidate him and noticing his dead friend disappearing) It's the perfect diet -- the Gith Diet! You eat and then the food disappears!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fennec: (In response to the above) Githyanki Snacks!!!
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Loden: (To Baysan and Fennec, with a smile) This is the first time I've been glad you're from an oppressive Empire.
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Drema: (Having a rough day at the gladitorial games) Sometimes it doesn't pay to be chaotic!
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Baysan: (Describing how figuratively f*cked we were) Seriously. No lube, no reach around!
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Baysan: (Talking about eating something unwholesome) It's pretty foul.
Drema: *I* just ate Githyanki last night!
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Drema: (Upon hearing a meal would be served at the gladiatorial games she was fighting in, wherein she ate bits of her fallen foes) I didn't quite get my fill of cockroach and tongue. I need something else.
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Fennec's Player: (Waxing about game ratings) Of course there's a warning sticker on the Book of Exalted Deeds -- they're covering their asses! Wouldn't want people to stop buying Monopoly due to a rogue nipple
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Tully: (After having been risen as sentient undead) Does anyone know what it is like to be dead?
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Baysan: (Explaining something for Loden) Not raised from a baby, raised from the DEAD!
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Drema: Never eat the undead...more importantly never lick them!
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Baysan: (Talking about her devotion to two seemly incompatible gods) Only my left side is evil
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Loden: (To Drema, thinking it's all over) I may never get another chance to say this. I love you
Drema: I love you too, but not in that I'm going to leave my people way
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Loden: (About an evil sword that's sucked his and Drema's souls into it) There's a party in the sword and everyone's invited!
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Rruk: Day 147. I'm a pregnant rock. Didn't see that coming
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Loden: The Grove, yes. None of us have been here. Except you. And those of us who have
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Baysan: I WHACK IT!!!
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Drema: That axe just gave me the hand!
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