Let me tell you, shaving was a hoot this morning. Carving a gentle path around and through the redness was a gentle process, as I'm sure everyone, male and female over age 13 can relate. So, as I just talked about, I learned yesterday that SPF 15 doesn't work. No, it mocks you and chats with all the hair follicles while ignoring the UV rays ("Sure, dudes, go right in, we're just partying over here!"). Meanwhile, my whimpering skin cries out "Help me" and turns red with anger at the hair follicles and SPF 15, who are looking the other way the way a coach does when allowing a rookie to have his hair doused in the toilet.

The sunburn around my sunglasses looks like I'm a biker wearing goggles. Over the next week it peels in gentle layers while strangers point and laugh at this circus freak. But it's worth it due to getting to see some Spring Training baseball. So now I'm sunburned yet blissful. When's opening day? Let's play ball!

Random Florida trivia: Miami Beach pharmacist Benjamin Green invented the first suntan cream in 1944. He accomplished this development by cooking cocoa butter in a granite coffee pot on his wife's stove.

Me, Dad and Danielle got in line by 8:30 this morning, only to find we could only manage a few general admission (standing-room-only) tickets. That's okay, since later that morning we bought from a scalper, paying him for the value of the tickets ($13) and giving him our $9 general admission tickets. So he makes a little profit, assuming he sold ours, and we get to sit down in a comfy seat under the roof on the third base side.

Actually, finding the guy was a Chicken Soup for the Soul moment with an underworld twist. The guy we got the tickets from is named Michael Ruth, and we had actually tried to call him the day before. This, because the lady next to us at Sunday's game bought from him and gave us his card (a 1-800 number), but the lady from Ruth's service didn't give him our message. We wondered if he didn't call because he thought we were cops, or I went overboard in wondering if he was busy whacking some stiff's kneecaps for not paying up. Strangely enough, or dumb luck, it all worked out in the end, and we found Ruth anyway and got some decent seats on the third base side under the roof, preventing a repeat sunburn disaster.

Red Sox purchases: Two tee-shirts, a St. Patrick's Day game pin and stickers for my car. Dad even bought me a Red Sox media guide as a thanks for visiting. Isn't he a sweetheart?

Before the game, Dom DiMaggio, a member of the Red Sox team's Hall of Fame, the team's All-Century Team, younger brother to Joe DiMaggio and one of the more colorful people in Boston sports history, received a standing ovation from the partisan Boston crowd. Obviously with so many senior citizens in the crowd, many might actually remember his contributions as a Red Sox outfielder from 1940-53, when he was named to the American League All-Star team seven times. Others, like me and Dad, just appreciate what we've read, and what we know of his accomplishments.

Unfortunately there was no fat Rich Garces (reliever for the Sox) sighting either day, but I have a new fave, No. 75, first-baseman fat Juan Diaz. The prospect was a quick audience favorite for his hustle and home run on Monday against the Orioles. But he won't do much at that position this season, as 6'7" hoss Tony Clark was picked up from Detroit to play first.

Speaking of fat, I can't really say anything since at ballgames, Dad and me are the worst Fat-Fighting Duo since Tom & Roseanne. The fat count was high over the two days: Jeff (pretzel, foot-long dog - if they had had nachos, I'd have had that, too), Dad (regular dog, foot-long dog, foot-long Italian sausage with peppers and onions). But it's oh so yummy to my tummy, so no guilt whatsoever. Neener, neener.

There was also no Nomar today, but Manny Ramirez did play, even if he did seem to lollygag around the bases with a couple of lame pop-outs to the first base foul territory.

Meanwhile, the Orioles are a veritable who's who of baseball players. As in, "Who's that?" and "Never heard of him." Or, "Geez, what Gulf Coast League team was this guy kicked out of?" Jorge Julio? He's Polish, right? Buddy Groom? Wasn't he on "The Beverly Hillbillies?"

Just as they'll do 19 times this season, Boston whipped Baltimore, 8-3. Even Rickey Henderson saw Rickey hit a two-run homer for Rickey's Boston. Rickey loves Rickey, and today Jeff did, too. Rickey talks about Rickey in the third person. Jeff thinks that's a fun idea. Jeff wants Rickey to steal a hundred bases and be the goofball Rickey can be. Jeff loves Rickey for being Rickey. Jeff will stop giving readers the heebie-jeebies.

The biggest cheer of the day wasn't even for players, but a floppy hat that was blown off a person's head in the seventh inning. The hat meandered through left field, through the infield caught up in a whirlwind and ended up at the foot of the right field stands. It was truly the most exciting race of the day.

The second biggest cheer was for the weather. Midway through the contest the announcer gave the forecast for Boston: 34 degrees with light snow. The retirees from Boston enjoyed *yawn* another 89 degree sunny day, sweeping the clouds away, in Ft. Myers.

Uh-oh, the sun goes over the field in the first few innings and then the bastard sneaks up behind us by the sixth inning, so I had to get out the SPF 48. Then I draped a towel 'borrowed' from the cleaning lady's cart in the hotel over my head and become an American towelhead. The only difference was that I wouldn't be praying five times a day, unless it was for the Aloe Vera to kick in, the Red Sox to hit a few grand slams, the stadium not to run out of hot dogs, some cutie to give me her number and forgiveness for the previous four trifling prayers.

After the game we dropped off Danielle, who was going to stay in Ft. Myers another night with her father. I take the wheel back to Miramar, across Alligator Alley. They really ought to change that moniker; from my perspective it's a misnomer, I saw no gators passing by at 80 mph on the highway. Although, on the way to Ft. Myers on Sunday morning we did see a truck that had spun out and rested against the fence between the highway and swamp. I hoped for a Jurassic Park moment, where fifty gators streamed out of the gap in the fence, but alas, no reptiles came forth to hunt unsuspecting motorists.

Random Florida trivia: There are 45 indigenous species of plants in the Florida Everglades that can be found nowhere else in the world. No truth to the rumor that Rosie O'Donnell has eaten at least one of every kind.

Took in a film in the afternoon, We Were Soldiers, with Dad. We found it to be much better than the Lefty pantywaist critics who frown at giving due to any respectable American soldier in Vietnam.

Random Florida trivia: Fort Lauderdale is known as the Venice of America because the city has 185 miles of local waterways, not because of the rats or smell.

That night Dad had the idea for us to watch the sport of Jai-Alai at Danai Beach in Ft. Lauderdale. I'm pretty sure that Jai-Alai is loosely translated as "suicidal racquetball" but don't take my word for it (in fact, never take my word for it).

Know your Jai-Alai *History: Jai-Alai is a centuries old sport from the Basque country of Spain and France, a super-speeded-up version of what was once simple handball. Translated the words mean "Merry Festival." Jai-Alai came to the United States in 1904 with the first permanent facility ("fronton") opening in Florida in 1924. *The Game is played in a round-robin, usually by 8 players or teams. The game begins when Player No. 1 (or Team No. 1) serves the ball to Player No. 2 (or Team No. 2). The winner of the point stays on the court to meet the next player (team) in rotation. Losers go to the end of the line to await another turn on the court. The first player (team) to score 7 points (or 9 in Superfecta games) wins. The next highest scores are "place" (second) and "show" (third). Playoffs decide tied scores. *The Object of Jai Alai is to hurl a pelota (ball) against the front wall of the court with so much speed and spin that the opposition cannot catch or return it on the fly or the first bounce. *The Serve. The server must bounce the ball behind the serving line (the No. 11 line), and, with the cesta, hurl the ball directly to the front wall so that upon rebound it will bounce between lines No. 4 and 7. If it does not it is an under or over serve and the other team will receive the point. *Scoring Points. The ball must be caught on the fly or first bounce and may touch the floor only once. All three walls are in play - the red is out of bounds. In "Spectacular Seven/Nine" scoring point value is 1 until each team has played once, thereafter point value is 2. *Equipment: The "cesta" is a curved catching and throwing basket made of Spanish Chestnut and reeds from the Pyrenees Mountains. The "pelota" is slightly smaller than a baseball and is hand made of two layers of goat skin over nylon thread covering tightly wound strands of virgin rubber. *Q. What is the fastest a jai-alai ball has been thrown? A. Jose Ramon Areitio, a former backcourt player at the Newport, R.I., fronton holds the record for the fastest pelota ever thrown. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, on Friday night, August 3, 1979, at Newport Jai-Alai, he threw a ball which was officially clocked at 188 MPH. Source: BetDania.com.

The two of us had dinner at the clubhouse restaurant on the third floor overlooking the court, where we could bet at the table. Wow, is that dangerously enticing. "Two dollars? No problem, I would've spent it on some silly trinket anyway. Ten bucks? Hey, it's just money, right? Thirty smackeroos? Sure, why not, I didn't need the antibiotics anyway."

The food wasn't great, since my chicken sandwich was worse than bar food and the pile of onion rings was very large for an appetizer and not easy to eat. Even so, I was disappointed to find no prize at reaching the bottom.

But we weren't there for the food, we were there for the show!

The high-rolling is intense. Whew! That $2 bet I made in game two (my first bet outside of a casino, since I've never been to horse or dog racing) was for Green 4 (my main man Ander) to Place, and he did just that, earning me a hefty sum of $3.75. So I got back my initial two bucks, plus a buck-seventy-five for a junior bacon cheeseburger at Wendy's.

Second bet for game three, I'm sticking with my horse, Green 4 in a doubles match to Show. They won, so I picked up another $3! I'm on a roll, baby! Meanwhile, Dad won $5.20, chuckling at my beginner's luck.

Game four, Green 4 to Place. Dad goes for the big bucks now, picking 3 & 8 in a Quinela (bet that those two will finish first and second, in no particular order). Big bucks, no whammies! He loses, but my team gets third so I gain another $7.80! By this time I'm getting ready to head to the Vegas and let it ride, or blow it on the buffet.

Back to earth in game five, when my luck runs out. I strayed from Green 4, instead picking White 3, a guy named Ulises whom I noticed earlier could catch a snow pea fired from a cannon with a straw. Of course, doing actual research meant I was doomed, and I lose. This vexes me. I'm terribly vexed. My guy couldn't have done worse if he lost a leg. Dad puts two dollars down on 2 to place, and the guy wins. Kudos to Daddy-O.

Game six: 5 to win, 4 to show. Dad goes for a Quinela on 3 & 6 - ironically he ended up losing this because his 3 beat his own 6 in the second round of the match. I lose both bets, cry hysterically and wonder how many commandments I'm breaking.

Winnings thus far: $15.60 for Games 2-3-4.

The major play comes in game seven, a Supermatch to nine points. I pick Green 4 to show, in part due to my past luck with 4, in another part because my favorite Jai-Alai'er has been a guy named Jimbo. Perfect name. I figure that since we were headed home after this match I might as well go for broke. So I also put another $2 on a Quinela for teams 1 & 2. This final game we watched from our seats in the 12th row, where you can really gauge the speed of the game, and the crowd is rowdier.

After an excruciating turn of events where both 1 & 2 had chances to win, then had to wait as other teams choked worse than Duke in the Sweet 16, team 2 ended up winning, 1 finished second and in a tiebreaker, 4 wins third place! Thus, I won both my bets, and garner a fat $22.60 in winnings ($18.40 for the Quinela, $4.20 for 4 to show). Not since Melissa Stark joined "Monday Night Football" have I been that giddy. Another turn of luck like that and I'd have been parading around asking the staff to "bring me some of your finest grog and a wench!"

Yes, before you even ask, I am available to rent for trips to Tunica, Vegas and Atlantic City. Of course, when cashing out I saw that the guy in front of me won $980. My earnings for the night suddenly seemed a little paltry.

It's actually quite enjoyable when you have a rooting interest in a team. My father the corrupter was enjoying my giddiness as I started placing more and more bets and going for more longshots. Next thing you know, I'll be ordering a wine cooler and asking to sit in the smoking section - not to smoke, of course, but just to be around people who are . . . ooh, I'm getting to be evil!

I am fully sullied, since I would recommend this to those who visit in the future. Parking is free, the 12th row seats were only $3.75 apiece, and you don't have to eat the bad food we had since there is also a café and a snack bar. It's a cheap evening with dinner and a show, and you can bet on the show! Heck, that's better than cockfighting, unless you get to eat the dead chickens.