Ten

After my final outburst, I collapsed back onto my bed, too exhausted to move. Marian stalked towards my bed as I watched through half-shut eyes. He looked like he wanted to kill me. He probably would. I wished he would. It’d be the end of my problems.

“Fuck off. Just fuck off,” I grunted.

“I will not,” Marian said harshly. I opened one eye all the way.

“Why?”

“I’m afraid to leave you alone. You might hurt yourself.” Oh. Was that all?

“I won’t hurt myself. I’ll just hurt you and everyone else who sees me,” I groan. “Everyone will look. Everyone will stare. I will be a laughingstock. I will be hated. People will write angry letters to the Buffalo newspapers. I will be kidnapped and shoved down a sewer to die. Slovakia will disown me. Ziggy will never, ever love me. I will die a barren, unhappy death in the streets of New York, where I will be traded after I discover everyone in the world hates me,” I yattered on and on and on.

“First of all, no one will stare. No one will laugh at you. People will hate you, but people hate you now. You won’t be kidnapped and you won’t die. Slovakia can’t disown you. A country cannot disown someone. You don’t even live there anymore, idiot. Not everyone in the world will hate you. I, for instance, don’t hate you yet.”

“Yet.”

“Shut. The hell. UP! For God’s sake, stop interrupting me before I hit you again! I am TRYING to make you feel better, because there is no reason you need to feel bad! And furthermore, if you continue acting like this, I will hate you! OK?” he said roughly. I nodded as much as I could lying on the bed. “Fine. Let me continue. Ziggy will never love you, because you’re gay and he’s straight. So, I suggest that you get ahold of reality and hang on tightly, right now, because if you don’t, life is going to come smack in you the face a lot harder than I just did,” he finished.

“Oh. Ok. Fine, whatever,” I said automatically. I hadn’t been listening, really. I just wanted to be left alone in a cool dark room with my thoughts. A strong martini wouldn’t hurt, either.

“Miro, I’ve made this as clear as I can. I guess if you want to be stupid, that’s your business,” he said tiredly. “I’m going out.” I heard a cabinet door in the bathroom open and close. “I’ll be back.” I heard the slamming of the door and turned onto my stomach. The bed wasn’t wide at all, and most of my legs dangled off the edge. I drew them up to my chest.

My eyes hurt, and I realized I’d cried them dry. I couldn’t understand how quickly everything had gone to hell in a handbasket. Only one more game, I told myself. Then you can go home.

My house consumed my thoughts. I’d get a new calendar—the one I had had everything written in it, but it also had ‘Ziggy’ doodled everywhere. And I’d tear down the collage of pictures of him and burn them all. I’d repaint and rearrange my bedroom. My mind had built a grandiose new home and life for me, and suddenly I wanted to be home more than anything.

I fell asleep.

I wasn’t sure how long I slept, only that Marian woke me up clanking around when he got back. It was only about nine, so I went into the bathroom to wash my face.

When I looked in the cupboard for a washcloth, I saw Marian had taken all the razors.

I staggered out, still half-asleep, and I tried to think of something to say. What do you say to someone who’s just tried to prevent your death by suicide?

“Marian,” I croaked. He looked up. “You took the razors.” Brilliant, eh?

“Yeah, so?”

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself, that’s all. You were in a bad way when I left, and I didn’t want you to try…anything,” he said simply. He shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged.

I was touched. Good thing, I thought I’d forgotten how to be. I smiled, another thing I thought I’d forgotten how to do.

In two steps, Marian had crossed the room and had me in his arms.

“I know I was rough, but I’m just so worried,” he said, voice still low. He shepherded me over to the bed and lay me down softly.

We slept in our clothes that night, and I realized how much I’d missed the warm, comforting feeling of another living body in my bed. I realized I wanted that feeling all the time.