When the scene opens we are inside a small football stadium somewhere in England, as we look around the stadium we can see quite a few TV cameras and a fair number of journalists, it is also noticeable that there are quite a lot of young girls between the ages of 13 to 20 sitting on the seats of the stadium, and a lot of these girls can be seen cheering and screaming loudly. It soon becomes clear why they’re cheering because thanks to a big scoreboard right in front of the camera we can see that this stadium is playing host to the annual celebrity five a side football tournament. Also on the scoreboard we can that one of the semi finals of the tournament is currently being played, and that the match is between the members of the boy band Westlife and the cast of Police Based Soap Opera The Bill, finally we can see that the match is currently a 3-3 draw. The camera then focuses on the pitch, one of the members of Westlife has the ball, which one I don’t know because I take pride in the fact that I know none of their identities, the girls around the stadium are now screaming very loudly because there one of their heart-throbs is kicking a football but he is soon tackled and the match gets bogged down in the midfield for a while, when it does this the camera moves away from the pitch towards the touchlines where Lisa Blunt is standing with Sabre, Sabre is dressed in an all red football kit, so it is pretty obvious that he has played some part in the tournament, although how well he played we’ll have to wait and see. For the time being we will have to put up with Lisa having a chat with him.

Lisa Blunt: So this is one of your appointments is it.

Sabre: It sure is Lisa, and what better way is there to spend the day than playing football against fellow celebrities, of course none of the people have the same level of fame as me, but you can’t have everything can you.

Lisa Blunt: But surely preparing for your match is more important than playing a few games of football.

Sabre: But this tournament is featured live on British TV and all the major newspapers are covering it, so it is important and anyway I’ve got more than enough to prepare for my match, because after all I was practically born ready to beat the hell out of Painkiller, Bobby D and Little Tommy Massacre.

Lisa Blunt: But I’m guessing since we’re at the semi final stage of the tournament you’re team already being knocked out because after all you were more of a rugby player growing up weren’t you.

Sabre: Of course I haven’t being knocked out yet, my handpicked team has already won the other semi final seven nil, and I scored four of the goals, because after all I’m one hell of a footballer. In fact my team has pretty much destroyed every team we’ve come up against today, whether we were facing boybands, soap actors or stand up comedians we’ve been totally dominant, perhaps even more dominant that I am in the ring, which I’m sure you can imagine is a hard thing to do. But with a team like the one I’ve assembled I think you can pretty much see why my celebrity hardman team is pretty damn unstoppable. First up we’ve got British Heavyweight Boxing champion Danny Williams playing up front alongside me.

The six foot three, two hundred and forty five pound Danny Williams can be seen doing a few stretches on the sidelines. He is also wearing the same all red kit as Sabre so we can see he is indeed on the same side as everyone’s favourite Ultimate Fighting Machine.

Sabre: Then in defence we have Hunter and Saracen who used to be on the British version of Gladiators.

Hunter (Six feet four 270 pounds) and Saracen (Six feet three, two hundred and sixty pounds) are busy passing a football between each other on the sidelines. They are also both in the same all red kit as Sabre.

Sabre: And then finally in goal we’ve got England Rugby Union Captain Martin Johnson.

Martin Johnson (Six Feet Seven, 260 pounds) is sitting down signing a few autographs near where Sabre is standing.

Lisa Blunt: Well all your team mates seem like physical specimens but this isn’t a big man’s sport is it, so I would have thought you’re size would count against you.

Sabre: Not at all Lisa, our size is a definite asset, because all these pampered pretty boys refuse to get stuck in against big lads like us because they’re all just a bunch of girls, so we’re able to dominate everyone and pretty much score at will. And as easily as I’m dominating these celebrities today, I’m sure I can dominate Bobby D, Painkiller and Little Tommy just as easily because let’s face it none of those guys even come close to matching me physically do they. Bobby D comes closest, but even he has a long way to go before he can think of matching me. Mind you though Lisa it’s not just our size that’s taking us to the final today, it’s my skill too, I’m got more footballing skill in my little finger than most people have in their entire bodies, and football isn’t even my number one sport, wrestling is where my true ability lies, and I’ll tell you now Lisa it won’t just be my physical presence which enables me to win the Ultimate Title next Monday, my sheer technical brilliance will see achieve yet another amazing win.

We can now hear another scream from the girls in the crowd, the reason for this soon becomes apparent when the camera focuses on the pitch again, because we can see that one of the members of Westlife has scored a goal. A few seconds after this the final whistle blows and Westlife have won the match 4-3, meaning that they will have the unenviable task of playing Sabre’s celebrity hardman team in the final. You can already see the fear in their faces, but alas for them, the match will go down, and you can be sure they’re going to be in for a tough time. The camera now returns to Sabre and Lisa. When it does this we can see Sabre with a look of anticipation on his face.

Sabre: This is going to be fun Lisa, I can’t wait to kick the living hell out of those nancy boys.

Lisa Blunt: But won’t you get sent off if you kick any of them.

Sabre: Not if you know how to bend the rules like me, I think anyone who has ever watched Blast knows that I’m an expert in stretching the rules to their fullest extent, and luckily for me I can use the same principles on the football pitch. Believe me Lisa those guys much like Bobby D, Painkiller and Tommy Massacre won’t know what’s hit them until it’s way to late to do anything about it. Face facts Lisa this celebrity football tournament is mine for the taking, and next Monday the Ultimate Title is mine for the taking as well. Tommy Massacre is going to wish he was never born, because when the match starts he’ll be completely embarrassed with in seconds as I crush him under my boot and make him bleed in record time. Painkiller and Bobby D will then be my next targets and while they might last longer than Tommy, they won’t last long enough to do me any harm. Those two guys might amongst the best OCW has to offer, but that isn’t going to do them any good on Monday, because I’ll be going at them both full force, and when I do that there isn’t a man on the face of this planet who can stop me. So they had both better be prepared for a painful and bloody night because Lisa on Monday that’s exactly what I’m going to give them. Lisa this Monday may well see the last chapter in the history of OCW, but it will be yet another glorious chapter in my history, because at the pay per view when I win the Ultimate Title I will quite rightfully go down as not only the greatest wrestler OCW has ever known but I will also go down as the greatest wrestler ever, and won’t that just be the greatest thing ever.

Lisa Blunt: If you say so.

Sabre: Now Lisa if you’ll excuse me I have a football game to win.

Over the PA system we can hear the final match of the tournament being announced followed by the teams being announced, the players are then announced and all ten players walk onto the pitch with Sabre’s team unsurprisingly looking a lot bigger than there opponents. The girls at pitchside are also screaming loudly, but there screams don’t last long because to cut a long story short Sabre’s team wipes the floor with the teen heartthrobs and give them a footballing lesson they won’t soon forget as Sabre’s team goes on to win the match by eight goals to nil, with Sabre scoring five goals and generally showing everyone that if he wanted to he could play professional football at a very high level. Sabre can be then be seen lifting up the tournament trophy, doing a lap of honour and generally showing off, but he’s earned that right hasn’t he so who can blame him. After Sabre has shown off for a bit he poses for the press so they can take a few pictures of him for their newspapers, he then does a few interviews for various TV before returning to Lisa Blunt holding aloft the trophy he has just won.

Sabre: Well that was a walk in the park wasn’t it Lisa, and you can bet that I’ll find my match on Monday just as easy, because I’m way too good to let people like Bobby D, Painkiller and Tommy Massacre to get the better of me. So Lisa you’d bet get ready to see some blood, because on Monday you’ll be seeing it all over my opponents faces as I quite rightly claim my Ultimate Title and leave OCW as I entered it, the best damn wrestler ever. Now if you’ll excuse me, my team mates and I have a tournament win to celebrate, so we’re off to the pub, I would invite you along but Hunter’s a bit of a ladies man and I don’t think he’s aware of your reputation and you don’t want to get in the tabloid gossip columns do you.

Lisa Blunt: I wouldn’t mind, that Hunter looks hunky.

Sabre: Well tough Lisa you’re not coming. So see you later.

Sabre leaves Lisa behind, presumably to the shower and then off to the pub to celebrate, the scene then fades to black.