Nuriko: *jubilantly* And we're off!
Fluffy: *sullenly* Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?
Wolfwood: *turns to Fluffy* I dunno. He never talks to me anymore.
Fluffy: *glare* Nobody asked you, human.
Neko: *sweetly* Oh, Fluffy! You don't hate all humans, do you? {Hint, hint, nudge, nudge}
Fluffy: *tersely* No. The fact that you provide me with food and shelter is enough to absolve you of that.
Wolfwood: *to Neko, over Fluffy's shoulder* Translated: no.
Fluffy: *gives him another "Die-Foolish-Human" look*
Wolfwood: *puts his hands up defensively and turns back to MJ* This's your bus right?
MJ: *absorbed in a book; just nodds*
Wolfwood: Yeah? (He looks around, nodds approvingly, for MJ's benefit.) 'S nice. (Pulls out a cigarette, despite the "No Smoking" sign posted just over their heads.) D'you mind if I smoke?
MJ: *looks up; kind of annoyed* Yes. [AN: Sorry, folks, but there are some things I just won't tolerate on my bus and smoking is one of them.]
Wolfwood: *a bit daunted* Okaaaaaay . . . (Lights up anyway.)
MJ: *starting to get pissed* Oi! I said no smoking! Kin-en!
Wolfwood: *shrugs indifferently* (He exhales a cloud of smoke, some of which drifts in MJ's direction.)
MJ: (coughs, waves it away, glares at Wolfwood) I said no smoking . . . (She plucks the cigarette from his mouth, snaps it in half, tosses it out the window) . . . and I meant no smoking. (She goes back to her book.)
Wolfwood: *stares at her quizzically for a moment, then shrugs and goes to light up another cig* Yeah. Whatever.
MJ: *not looking up; finger point* You light that, I’m gonna make you eat it.
Wolfwood: *sweatdrop* Uh . . . right . . . *ditches cig; looks unsure for a second* A-HA! (Places church model on MJ's head none too gently.) Got any confessions to make?
MJ: (She shuts her book, looks up.) *visibly annoyed, leaning toward royally pissed* Must you?
Wolfwood: Confession's good for the soul, y'know. Don't you want to go to Heaven?
MJ: *nonchalantly* Heaven doesn't want me.
Wolfwood: Hell takes all comers.
MJ: *turns her head; arches an eyebrow* Hell's afraid I'd take over.
Wolfwood: *sweatdrop* Right . . . do you want to make a confession anyway?
MJ: *irritated twitch; in an all-right-if-it'll-get-you-off-my-case tone* Fine, I confess to homicide. There, are you happy?
Wolfwood: *shocked* HOMICIDE?! (This is said loudly enough to get everyone's attention.) Who? When? Where? How? Give me the dirt!
MJ: *tersely* Well, actually, I can't really confess to sin I haven't committed . . . (Gives Wolfwood the evil eye.) . . . yet. Now get this church off my head before I have a reason to confess to committing homicide. Get me?
Wolfwood: (smiles nervously, and retrieves the church . . . post haste) *turns to Fluffy; tugs at his sleeve* Hey, can I switch seats with you? She's . . . *nervous glance at MJ* . . . violent.
Miroku: *rubbing the sore spot where she hit him with the shakujo in Ep. 2* I know.
Fluffy: *under his breath* She's not the only one. *To Wolfwood* If I switch with you, will it shut you up?
Wolfwood: *nodds earnestly*
Fluffy: Very well. (They switch seats.) Now don't talk to me anymore.
MJ: *to Fluffy, re: Wolfwood* Annoying, isn't he?
Fluffy: *nodds his agreement* Extremely. [They're gonna get along just fine.]
[Meanwhile . . . ]
Miroku: *to Rei; trying to start a conversation* So, you new in town? {So to speak.}
Rei: * nodds; everything she says is very quiet* Mm-hmm.
Miroku: First time on a bus like this?
Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm.
Miroku: Looking forward to the field trip?
Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm.
Miroku: Yeah, me too. *beat* You travel any?
Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm.
Miroku: Yeah? Ever been to New Zealand?
Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm. [Let's assume she has.]
Miroku: Really? I hear it's nice there.
Rei: *nodds* Mm-hmm. [Do you see a pattern emerging here?]
Miroku: *decides to go out on a limb; gets down on one knee* Will you bear my child?
Rei: *gives him a strange look; shakes her head* Uh-uh.
Miroku: *pratfall*
Chichiri: *to Neko* Hope springs eternal, no da.
Neko: *cynically* So does rejection, apparently.
================
NOTE: This next part was inspired by a friend, who constantly complains that Amiboushi never holds his flute correctly. This one's for you, XJo-Chan.
================
[Also meanwhile . . . ]
XJo-Chan: *to Amiboushi; hands him a gift-wrapped package* Here, I got you a present. *evil eye gleam*
Amiboushi: Wow, thanks! *Starts unwrapping it* What's the occasion?
XJo-Chan: singsong voice* You'll see . . . heh heh heh . . .
Amiboushi: (He unwraps the present, opens the box, and lifts out a toy robot. He looks at it quizzically for a moment.) It's, uh . . . well, it's very . . . *stumped* What is it?
XJo-Chan: *slightly demented grin* Push the little red button. (Amiboushi pushes the little red button. The robot starts clanking and hissing.)
Amiboushi: *sweatdrop* Hey! What the . . . ?
Robot: *mechanical monotone* Greetings. I am the T575 Tutor. I know all, I teach all. What do you wish to learn?
XJo-Chan: *jumps in* Teach him how to play the flute . . .
Amiboushi: But I already . . .
XJo-Chan: *cuts him off* . . . Correctly. *maniacal smile*
Robot: Very well. (Holds up miniature flute.) Begin with the instrument like so. (Positions the flute the correct way. Amiboushi does it the wrong way.) INCORRECT! INCORRECT! (The robot goes berserk and bites him.)
Amiboushi: OW, damnit!
Suboushi: *from elsewhere on the bus* Hey, OW! What the . . . ?
Amiboushi: *frantic* XJo-Chan, how do you turn this thing off? (The robot has begun scratching something on his arm.)
XJo-Chan: *calm evil smile* Just hold the flute correctly.
Amiboushi: *struggling to free himself* What?!
Suboushi: Hey! What the hell is this?! (He holds up his arm. "Play your flute correctly, dumbass!" is scrawled on his skin in Japanese. Amiboushi yanks the robot off his arm, stuffs it back into the box, and slams the lid.)
Amiboushi: *to XJC* You're evil, you know that?
MJ: *raises her hand* Actually, I'm evil. XJo-Chan is simply psychotic. (XJC grins.)
Amiboushi: *searching desperately for something to tie the box shut with* You're telling me there's a difference?
MJ: *considers* Hm, I guess not! (Gives a little "go ahead" wave.) Carry on!
XJo-Chan: *claps her hands gleefully* Yay! Fun, fun!
[Also meanwhile . . . again . . . ]
Chan: * who has migrated to the very front of the bus; to Hoto-hori, who is sitting in the driver's seat* Hi. [That was a long way for nothing, wasn't it?]
Hoto-hori: Ohayo. (Stares out front window.)
Chan: So . . . how come you're sitting up here? I mean, doesn't the bus drive itself? *beat*
Hoto-hori: *nodds* Yes, it does.
Chan: *reiterates* So . . . how come you're sitting up here?
HH: *draws himself up regally* Because I am the Emperor . . . *slumps* . . . and there aren't any seats left in the back of the bus.
Chan: Ah. (They suddenly a cat squalling and they turn around. Soujirou has Tama-neko by haunches and is randomly beating the poor cat against the center table.)
Soujirou: *smiling pleasantly* I hope we get there soon.
Tama-neko: Mrarr!
Soujirou: I am not fond of buses.
Tama-neko: Mrarr!
Soujirou: I find them annoying.
Tama-neko: Mrarr! (Group flinches, getting unnerved.)
Soujirou: M-Chan, how much longer?
Tama-neko: Mrarr! (Tani and XJo-Chan look very scared and try to scoot away from the nice psychomaniac as inconspicuously as possible.)
MJ: *a bit thrown by the beating of the cat* Uh . . . not long, I guess . . . I hope . . .
Soujirou: That's nice.
Tama-neko: Mrarr! *Group flinch*
MJ: Please stop that.
Soujirou: What? (Hits Tama-neko against the table.)
Tama-neko: Mrarr! *Group flinch*
MJ: That! Stop molesting poor Tama-neko!
Soujirou: *pauses* Why? (Begins again.)
Tama-neko: Mrarr! *Group flinch*
Neko: Come on, leave him alone! What'd Tama-neko-chan ever do to you?
Soujirou: *ignores her*
Neko: *jumps up and yanks Tama-neko out of his hands* (Tama-neko's tail puffs up to twice it's normal size and he runs to hide under K-Chan's seat.)
Soujirou: *to Neko* I find your existence unpleasant . . . (Before he can do anything violent, he finds the point of HH's sword at his throat.)
HH: * in that commanding voice where you KNOW he's not kidding* Enough. [AN: Whoo! Chills!] (Soujirou subsides. Collective sigh of relief.)
IY: Y'know, Sango loves cats. If she were here, she'd probably tell him to . . .
Neko: *gleefully* SIT! (IY thuds to the floor. Much laughter.) [AN: As of the first episode of the Ghetto Couch, Sango is no longer with us. Neko, you sick child!]
IY: *scowl* First of all, that's not what I going to say and second of all, that's not funny!
Neko: Yes, it is! Yes, it is!
XJo-Chan: *trying to coax Tama-neko out from under K-Chan's seat* Here, kitty, kitty. Here, Tama-neko, c'mon out. C'mere, Tama-kitty. (Tama-neko flies out from under the seat, streaks across the aisle and climbs down Chichiri's shirt.)
Chichiri: I think he's traumatized, no da.
K-Chan: *sardonically* Naw, d'you think?
Tani: *sympathetically* Awww, poor kitty! (Shoots Soujirou a dirty look.)
Fluffy: *disdainfully* Humans.
MJ: Yeah, we're a lousy species, aren't we.
Fluffy: Very.
(Suddenly the bus starts to slow down. Everyone looks bewildered, especially MJ.)
MJ: *under her breath* What on earth . . . ?
Tani: Hey, MJ, what gives?
MJ: *bewildered* I . . . don't know . . .
IY: *derisively* What do you mean you don't know?! It's your bus!
MJ: *glares* I'll have you know, this thing has a mind of it's own.
IY: *scoffs* Keh. You made and you don't even understand it. Wonderful. Defective creator, defective bus . . . it figures. Why do I even bother . . .
MJ: *vein pop* OSUWARI!
IY: *crashes to the floor again*
(The bus comes to a complete stop and the door opens. Everyone holds their breath in anticipation . . . )
Shippou: (clambers up the bus steps) Hey, are there any empty seats in here? (MJ & Neko leap to their feet.)
MJ & Neko: *at the same time* SHIPPOU!!!!! (They rush forward and engulf Shippou in a "hug sandwich".)
Shippou: *being smushed* Aaaaaaaaaack!
IY: *winces* Ouch . . .
Miroku: That looks painful.
Tasuki: *snort* Psh, don't tell me you wouldn't love to be where he is right now!
Miroku: *considers for a moment* Well, now that you mention it . . .
K-Chan: *cuts him off* OK, you can stop right there.
Shippou: *struggling to free himself* Leggo, leggo! (MJ and Neko let go. Shippou totters around in circles for a moment, with little dizzy circles around his head.) Oog!
Chan: *to MJ & Neko* I knew you two were affectionate people, but geez!
Soujirou: *who has somehow gotten a-hold of Tama-neko again* Are we there yet?
Tama-neko: Mrarr!
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