Fluffy: (butts in on narration) . . . . is going to go on a murderous rampage as soon as those idiots untie him!
MJ: *as narrator* Well, you just might stay tied up for a few weeks with THAT attitude!
Fluffy: Grrrr . . . Hey! If you can control what happens, why don’t you help me take over the world?
MJ: Because I don’t like you. (The rest of the cast can hear this argument and they quiet down to listen.)
Fluffy: Well, I hate you, you snotty little . . . .
MJ: *speaking over him* I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, Fluffy-kun.
Fluffy: *enraged* Grrrr . . . . When I get loose, you’ll die first, you . . . . (He is cut off in mid-sentence. The sound of knuckles hitting a jaw is heard. On stage, Fluffy, and the stool, keel over backwards.) Itaaaiiii . . . .
Neko: (leans over him) Fluffy, were you fighting with the narrator? (Fluffy doesn’t respond.) *to MJ* You were saying.
(That’s better. As the singers take a bow and Fluffy lies there conveniently unconscious, the lights suddenly go out. Random exclamations are heard and several flashlights go on at various points in the room.)
Saja: What the heck is going on? (Starts.) HEY! (Whirls around and socks Miroku.)
Spike: *to the now-reeling houshi* Won’t you EVER learn to keep your hands to yourself.
Tasuki: I doubt it.
Tani: Maybe a fuse blew . . . . (Goes off to check.)
Kouga: *having extracting himself from the linoleum* Lemme guess, MJ . . . . "technical difficulties"? *mocking tone*
MJ: -.-* Osuwari! (Miroku crashes to the floor.)
Kouga: *triumphantly* Ah-HA! I don’t have the rosary anymore! You can’t "sit" me!
MJ: *cringe* Oo, gomen nasai, houshi-sama . . . .
Kouga: (does a happy dance) I don’t have the rosary! I don’t have the rosary!
Amiboushi: *to Rei* Kore wa dou ka shite iru, ne? [Something is wrong with him.]
Rei: (nods emphatically) Mm-HMM . . . .
Kouga: (dances near the door) I don’t have the rosary! I don’t have the ro- . . . . (The door opens suddenly, slamming him into the wall.) Itaaaiiii . . . . (Slumps to the floor.)
MJ: *after a brief stunned silence* Sugoi! (Enter Tash.)
[AN: Tash is NOT to be confused with Vash the Stampede of Trigun fame. Tash is good buddy of mine from camp, and a fellow follower of the No Da no Miko. Just keep reading, you’ll figure it out.]
Tash: *to everyone and no one in particular* Hi, I’m looking for . . . (consults paper) . . . "The Blue Psychedelic Ghetto Bus of DOOM Doom doom Karaoke Fest" . . . . (Chiriko goes rolling by in his giant hamster ball.)
Chiriko: Waaauuugh! *beat*
Tash: Yup, this must be the place. *louder* Does anyone know where I can find M-Chan?
MJ: *making her way across the floor* Kon’nichi wa, Tash-chan! Irasshaimasu! So glad you finally decided to visit! *friendly hug*
Tash: ^_^ Me, too! But . . . (lowers voice) . . . what’s with the chick in the giant hamster ball?
MJ: (puts an arm around Tash’s shoulders) OK, first of all, that’s a guy, and second of all, lemme give you some advice: around here, with some of the stuff that goes on . . . just don’t ask questions if you’re not entirely sure you want to know the answer. Sometimes, you’re better off not knowing.
Tash: And this is one of those times?
MJ: My little doggy’s name is Bingo.
Tash: Ah. Naruhodo, no da.
Neko: *shock* N-Nani? What did you just say?
MJ: *Kenshin voice* Maa, maa, futari tomo, Neko-chan. Tash and I were friends at camp last year. I introduced her to our little series and told her a bit about the gang . . . and, well, to make a long story short, she’s picked up The Way of the No Da.
Neko: Demo . . . that’s MY phrase! Mine and Chichiri’s!
Tasuki: *tactlessly* Well, just yours, now that the monk’s . . . . OOF! (HH elbows him in the gut.)
HH: You really should learn that there are times when the better part of wisdom is keeping your mouth shut.
MJ: Indeed. *to Neko* I do realize that, Neko-chan, but I wasn’t the one who taught . . . .
Neko: -.-*** (Battle aura glows.) Iya! There is only ONE No Da no Miko and that’s ME! *scary random lightning* (Dead silence. Everyone is floored as if by a giant shock wave. Neko stands amid the group, scowling darkly, hands fisted, shoulders hunched.)
MJ: Um . . . righty-o then, we’ll, uh . . . leave that to you . . . . eh heh heh heh . . . . Right, Tash? *no response* Tash? Yoohoo! (Tash remains silent. Her eye goes twitchety twitch twitch.) I’ll take that as a yes.
Chan: (glances at watch) Uh-oh . . . must to be going now. Have to feed the Pokémon. (Heads out the door, bumping into something along the way.) Ow! What a lousy place for a wall!
MJ: *shudder* Pokémon . . . . [AN: Gomen, all you Pokémon fans, but I have my reasons.]
Shippou: So . . . in case no one else has noticed, the lights are still out.
Miroku: Except for Nuclear Neko-sama over there . . . . (Neko gives him her patented Big Hairy Eyeball.)
Shippou: Yeah . . . so whadda we do? (No one really knows how to respond to this. The cast members look at the floor, stare off into space, shuffle their feet, etc.)
Sano: (points triumphantly) We can whistle in the dark! (Clueless stares from almost everyone.) Oh, come on! You know! (More blank stares.) They Might be Giants? "Flood"? (And yet more blank stares.) No? Nothing?
Tani: (sticks her head out from the backstage) Oi, isn’t that the group that did "Particle Man"?
Sano: (relieved that SOMEONE finally understands) Yes, yes that’s exactly right! Muchly of doom!
Neko: (in her random way, starts singing) Particle Man, Particle Man . . . doin’ the things a particle can. (WW hops into the center of the circle as Particle Man. The rest of the cast begins to clap along.)
Sano: What’s he like? It’s not important. (WW glares.) Particle Man.
K-Chan: is he a dot, or is he a speck? When he’s underwater, does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? (Group shrug.) Nobody knows. Particle Man.
Sano: *as Nuriko jumps in* Triangle Man, Triangle Man. Triangle Man hates Particle Man. They have a fight . . . (Nuriko nonchalantly elbows WW over the head.) Triangle wins. Triangle Man. (WW promptly passes out on the floor.) *music break*
Neko: Universe Man, Universe Man . . . (HH leaps into the middle like somebody set fire to his shoes.) Size-of-the-entire-universe man.
HH: -.- Are you calling me fat?
Neko: Usually kind to smaller man . . . Universe Man. He’s got a watch with a minute hand . . . (Shippou jumps in.) . . . millennium hand . . . (In goes Trin.) . . . and an eon hand. (Tani joins the fun.) And when they meet, it’s Happy Land. (The three join hands and skip around HH.) Powerful man, Universe Man. (HH strikes a pose. Nuriko applauds wildly.)
Tasuki: *hops in* My turn! My turn!
MJ: You asked for it . . . .
K-Chan: Person Man, Person Man . . . . (Tasuki suddenly looks very afraid.) Hit on the head with a frying pan.
Tasuki: Uh-oh . . . . (MJ beans him in the noggin with a frying pan, rather more enthusiastically than is necessary. Tasuki’s eyes cross and he keels over into a trash can conveniently placed in the ring for the next lyric.)
K-Chan: Lives his life in a garbage can. Person Man.
Sano: is he depressed over is he a mess? Does he feel totally worthless?
Spike: Actually, I think he’s kind of comatose . . . .
K-Chan: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
IY: *aside* Who came up with Person Man?
Sano: Degraded man, Person Man.
Neko: *as Nuriko jumps back in* Triangle Man, Triangle Man . . . Triangle Man hates Person Man.
Tash: Triangle Man has issues . . . . (Nuriko glances at Tasuki . . . doubled up in a trash can with his feet sticking up into the air.)
Neko: They have a fight, Triangle wins. (Nuriko shoves Tasuki the rest of the way into the trash can and gives the victory sign.) Triangle Man. (The other cast members laugh and applaud. Someone hauls Tasuki and his garbage can away for separation.)
K-Chan: Hey, that was fun!
Jesse: (heads over to the bar) I agree, but I need caffeine. (Taps bell.) Oi, barkeep. Cup o’ coffee, please. (At any other drink bar, this would suffice, but since the Ghetto Bus is shorter on cash than the crew of the Bebop, they’ve had to hire a stand-in bartender, who just so happens to be Irish and positively will not hear of serving COFFEE at a BAR.)
Barkeep: *with a strong brogue* Beer.
Jesse: *beat* No, no, coffee.
Barkeep: *stubbornly* Beer.
Jesse: *exasperated* No, COFFEE!
Barkeep: *just as stubbornly as before* Beer.
Jesse: Oh, for crying out loud . . . look, coffee. C-O- . . . .
Barkeep: B-E- . . . . (Suboushi, who has been watching this exchange, snickers into his glass.)
Jesse: Stuff it, Yo-Yo Boy. *sigh* All right, I give up. Gimme a Guinness Stout.
*NOTE: Blue Canary In The Outlet By The Light Switch Productions does not advocate underage drinking, hence the next line.*
Barkeep: ID? (Jesse takes a pratfall.)
Suboushi: Hey, everyone! The barkeep learned a new word! (He is suddenly hit in the head by a flying brick.)
MJ: Be nice to the barkeep, Yo-Yo Boy no baka. (Suboushi rubs the goose egg developing on his cranium and glowers at MJ, muttering darkly. MJ sticks her tongue out at him, then checks her watch.) Aiya! I almost forgot! Will you guys please excuse me for the rest of the episode? I have to go get my wisdom teeth out.
Kouga: Wisdom teeth? Aren’t you stupid enough already? (MJ very calmly walks over to Miroku, removes the rosary from his neck, marches over to Kouga, places it securely around his neck and takes two steps back.)
MJ: Osuwari. (Kouga kisses floor tiles.)
Shippou: Can we torture Sesshoumaru while you’re gone?
MJ: Sure, why not. Just take pictures and fill me in when I get back, ne?
Shippou: (jumps up and slaps her a high-five) Deal!
MJ: Righty-o, then! Ja ne, minna! (Exits. There is a long, awkward pause almost immediately. The cast members shuffle their feet, pick their nails, etc.)
Tani: So, uh . . . now what?
Crystal: How about that fuse?
Tani: (shakes head) No dice. We’ll have to wait until Lai-Lai gets back, ‘cause I can’t fix it.
Nuriko: There’s a good point and here’s another: we’ve NEVER done an episode without M-Chan before. Sure, she’s been ELSEWHERE at times, but she’s always been there at some point.
Miroku: That’s true, no da. (Slugs himself in the jaw.)
Kouga: Keh, the point is she’s GONE. Ding dong, the bitch is outta here and good riddance.
Barkeep: *nonchalantly* Osuwari. (Kouga crashes to the floor.)
Kouga: Why you little . . . . (IY steps on his head, mashing the youkai back into the linoleum.)
IY: *irritably* Shut up, fur face.
Miroku: We still have one small problem.
IY: And that would be . . . .
Miroku: Let me put it this way: does anyone else here know how to end and begin episodes? M-Chan is the AUTHOR, minna! She’s responsible for that sort of thing! And if she’s not here, we’re in for the long haul. (Everyone looks decidedly unhappy at the prospect of a longer episode.) So, we’ve got to figure out some way to do things ourselves.
Genki: Hm, I wonder what this button does . . . . (Pushes button, episode ends.)
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