Don't Have a Cow, Man.

Age:10


Aliases:El Barto, Rudiger, the "I Didn't Do It Boy", Bartman


Discoveries:The Bart Simpson Comet, Blinky the Three Eyed Fish

Idol:Krusty the Clown, Captain Lance Murdock, Three Time Soapbox Derby Champ Ronnie Beck

Past Loves: Jessica Lovejoy, Laura Powers

Personally, I prefer to remain perfectly intact as a human being, but as for Bart, he has different plans for his life; like testing dangerous food additives (pleasing taste, some monsterism). And after every vision of his possible future which is almost always rather unappealing, Bart, not suprisingly for his character, says "coooool."

Cool, a drifter.

(Lisa speaking) Just like the Curies working side by side to achieve their goal, they discovered radium...,but then they both died of radiation poisoning. (Bart pictures the Curies with laser eyes running a muck through a Japanese movie village.) Cool!

(After having his appendix removed) Cool, a scar.

500 dollars on black my good man -- red's a winner -- Cool!

(After seeing picture of wanted criminal El Barto) Cool man.

(Picturing himself as a burnt out rock star with Milhouse) It used to be about the music, man. (Bart hurls a whiskey bottle at him.) Cool.

When I come back I'll be a butterfly,... because nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

(Speaking of cats) They can be my unholy army of the night, go my pretties, kill, kill!

When I grow up I want to be a lard-o on workman's comp. just like my dad.

Back in the times of "That Other Guy" as Homer, Bart was responsible for the whole of the Simpson's family comedy. We're actually supposed to laugh at an animated kid every single time he says "Don't have a cow," "Eat my shorts," "Aye Carumba," or "Cowabunga, dude." Who did he think he was, a mutant ninja turtle?! He's acquired much better catch phrases since those days. Say the line Bart..... "I didn't do it." I personally prefer the one word, yoink, Bart (as well as a few other characters once it was realized how great a word it actually is) uses when he steals a Danish from Kent Brockman (he didn't touch it did he?) or Homer's wallet and flushes it down the toilet. The only old catch Bart has stuck with all through the years is the prank phone calls to Moe's Tavern (no this is, uh, Joe's Cavern. Just give me my free beer.) So here goes a glimpse at Bart's ever growing skill at illegal activities:

7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening) Bart with Lisa and Maggie Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here? Wait a minute... Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!

7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening) Bart with Lisa and Maggie Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff! Marge picks up the extension and hears: Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

7G03 (Homer's Odyssey) Bart with Lisa Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half! Bart and Lisa laugh

7G06 (Moaning Lisa) Bart with Lisa Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap! Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood! Bart laughs

7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish) Bart with Lisa Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew! Bart and Lisa laugh

7F15 (Principal Charming) Bart (in Principal Skinner's office) Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual! Homer says "Don't look at me!" Oh, no... You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off! Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"

7F22 (Blood Feud) Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick! Bart and Lisa laugh

8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II) Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt Oh, wait a minute... Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well

8F08 (Flaming Moe's) Bart Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass! There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call

8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk) Bart Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here? Barney says "You sure do!" Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains! Bart laughs

9F06 (New Kid on the Block) Bart Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss? Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!" You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt! Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room

9F06 (New Kid on the Block) Laura Powers with Bart Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tankle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle! Laura and Bart laugh

2F19 (The PTA Disbands) This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath? The students in the classroom laugh All right, settle down. Anita Bath here? More laughs All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! Still more laughs Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that! Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers

3F14 (Homer the Smithers) Mr. Burns says "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland" Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

3F17 (Bart on the Road) (Homer) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura (Moe) Eura Snotball? (Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Now let us take a look back at all those wonderful jobs Bart has taken up. For a 10 year old, Bart sure does have a full resume. The first job Bart took up was the odd jobs performed for Mrs. Glick. He did such a wonderful job gardening her jungle, degunking her gutters, and so many other painful chores that week. Anything, just not the iodine! Now sure she offered him some ribbon candy, boys love candy!, but in the end I'd say he didn't quite get his money's worth. Two quarters can hardly buy one moon pie and one penny whistle. I mean, he'd been busting his hump all week for that whithered witch and all he got was 50 cents. That's probably what gave Bart such a bad attitude towards his further jobs.

Next on his list is his little excursion to Krusty Land Studios. Sneaking in for the day, Bart finds an opportunity to be Krusty's towel boy. Although Krusty doesn't remember anything Bart has done for him in the past, Bart reminds him that he just stole him that danish. That's enough to convince Krusty. Bart works his way all the way to the stage where he makes a complete fool of himself, yet somehow gets the slapstick laughs anyway. From then on Bart is known as "The I Didn't Do It Boy." Well at least for a little while. Then the line just ain't that funny anymore. Not even woozle wazzle passes as comedy for Bart and Krusty is forced to fire him. Show business sure is a hideous bitch goddess.

Let us last take a look at Bart's little venture to the witch's house. As it turns out, this particular witch owns the Burlesque house of Springfield. And since Marge isn't home to tell Homer any better, Homer punishes Bart for breaking her gargoyle by making him work for her. Bart actually loves this job and even gets to fill in for the comic one night. If there's a bad book keeping joke, I haven't heard it. Unfortunately Marge comes home from her rock cleaning venture with Lisa and sicks her church friends on the Burlesque house. Are they talking about the Bordello? Marge could have been talked, or more appropriately, sung into keeping the house, but she was out renting the bulldozer which she then goes on to take out a side of the house with. She can only redeem this error by taking a job herself at the Burlesque house. Bart is still bouncing Homer out of the place at the end of the episode, but I guess Marge eventually came to her senses and got the whole family out of there. If only she had heard the song.

WE PUT THE *@$%#* IN SPRINGFIELD

Now remember when Bart had that credit card and bought Laddy, the world's greatest dog? Well he thought he was taking the alias of some made up person with a name like that of his dog, Santa's Little Helper. Well Santos L. Halper actually did exist, infact he was a student at the University of Springfield.

Go ahead and take a look at his grades.

Now for all that money Bart was making at his various jobs, he's certainly also found ways to lose it. Let's recall when Bart got a call from the hit KBBL radio show (KBBL is gonna give me something stupid) and had a chance to either take loads and loads of cash or a full grown African elephant. Any sane individual would have taken the cash, but Bart insists on taking the elephant. I want my elephant! -- Hey, they're playing the elephant song. Rather than be replaced by the DJ 5000 ( hot dog, we have a weiner), the DJ's actually find an elephant for Bart. Bart names the elephant Stampy, namely for the gross amount of property damage he causes the Simpsons. On top of this, a few leaves of lettuce aren't enough to keep Stampy healthy, so the home expenses go through the roof ( over sized decorative poncho!). Now they could have made back all the money they lost on this venture by selling Stampy to the ivory dealer at a high price, and of course he wouldn't have hurt Stampy because a man with a lot of ivory is less likely to need any than a man whos ivory supplies are low, but instead that fiesty feline saves Homer from the tarpits and forces Homer to feel the moral obligation of giving Stampy up to the stupid animal stupid refuge.

Elephants may cost a lot of money, but as Bart learns partly from the works of Pablo Neruda, nothing is worth more than his soul. For conspiring to have the entire church sing "In the Garden of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly, Bart is punished by Reverend Lovejoy. And because snitchy Milhouse tattles on him rather than have his tongue torn out by ravenous birds, he also has to help clean every one of the organ pipes which have been befowled by popular music. While they're cleaning, Bart and Milhouse strike up a deal for 5 dollars such that Milhouse can have Bart's soul. It's a Bart sales event, everything about me must go! At first Bart seems to be on the top end of this bargain, but things turn for the worse. He can't laugh at Homer getting his head stuck in the banister, the automatic doors don't open for him, and the worst thing of all, he can't hang with the cool kids, way to breathe, no breath. In Bart's dreams he realizes to reach Paradise he needs his soul to help him row across the river. Meanwhile, Milhouse can sit back and relax in his boat as his two souls carry him easily across. So Bart goes on a quest for the extra souled up Milhouse to get his soul back. But he'll only give it up for 50 bucks. Luckily Lisa finds it at the comic book store and buys it back for Bart. Now of course some say the soul is not something that can be lost or gained, but is a part of us no matter what. But just to be safe, Bart scarfs down the piece of paper, and his soul returns that night to help him row to Paradise.

The most memorable episodes starring Bart in my mind are those in which Lisa and Bart get along so well. They team up, and together can accomplish more than ever expected out of two elementary school kids. They have saved Itchy and Scratchy, reunited Krusty with his estranged father, and helped save Krusty's career and life. When Bart ate a deadly metal Krusty-O, Lisa was the only one who believed his pain. And when Lisa needed help making it through the military school, Bart stuck with her all the way. Sure they've had their arguments Bart, go to bed!-- You didn't say which bed.or Fine, I'll leave, but as I go I'll be swinging my arms likethis, and if you get hit it will be your fault!
But what we all know Bart so well for is his foiling of SideShow Bob on 6 different occasions. Our first memory comes from the first season of the Simpsons; an episode in which Krusty is Framed for armed robbery by the crafty Bob. Although suspicious from clues in the Kwicky Mart such as the microwave/pacemaker descrepency and the magazine/illiteracy discontinuity, Bart ultimately is able to convict Bob in front of his live studio audience after hearing the words "big shoes to fill." Knowing that Krusty had worn floppy clown shoes despite his observedly small feet, Bart knew Bob must have been the culprit. His large feet filled the clown shoes and when Homer stepped on Bob's feet Bob's long toes were there to feel the pain.

Our second memory of Bart and Side Show Bob comes from when Bob is paroled from prison and marries Aunt Selma. His plan is to take her on a honeymoon and kill her off using a gas filled hotel room. Selma could not smell the gas because as a child she had permanently lost her sense of smell. One spark from her post-McGyver cigarette and "she'll be blown to Kingdom Come." Bart figures it all out just in the nick of time, saving Selma and foiling Bob once again.





Bob, now with a personal score to settle against Bart goes after Bart in a Cape Fear parody episode. Through the witness relocation program, The Simpsons become the Thompsons of Terror Lake and live in a house boat. Bob follows them there despite being driven through a cactus field, being run over by a full marching band with elephants, and stepping on approximately 1 billion rakes the smash him in the face. He then cuts the boat free and drugs the family. Bart cleverly asks Bob to sing the entire score to the HMS Pinnafore because Bob has such a beautiful singing voice. "Guilty as charged... I will send you to Heaven before I send you to Hell." By the time he finishes the boat has entered Springfield and rams ashore right under Wiggum's nose at a "busted" brothel. "Bake 'em away Toys." and with that Bob is back in jail.





Appealing to his Rush Limbaughesque crowd, Side Show Bob is released from the Springfield Penetentiary to allow him to run for mayor. Playing on the ignorance of the townspeople and their children, using propaganda commercials slandering Quimby for his own prison release, Bob wins over the support of many voters. "I don't agree with his Bart killing policy, but I do agree with his Selma killing policy." But with less than a majority of votes, Bob is forced to fix the election by voting for dead people and even dead animals. After Bart and Lisa discover this with a little help from one Mr. Smithers, they provoke Bob to incriminate himself in court using reverse psychology. Attempting to prove his pure genius he reveals his fiendish scheme and is taken back to jail.


The penultimate meeting of Bart and his nemesis resulted from Bob escaping from his work detail at an air force base. He stole a nuclear bomb and hid out inside of a blimp. He then announced to the people at the base attending an air show that if all television was not eliminated he would detonate the bomb. If he could not kill Krusty he would at least have him cut off. He also acknowledged the irony of using a TV to pass his threat. Listening to the message Bart and Lisa notice that his voice sounded higher than usual. Although Bart was correct that tight, binding underwear cause this phenomenon, the true cause in Bob's case was the helium in the blimp. The kids find him jst as he is detonating the bomb. Fortunately the 1950's model bomb is a dud and Bob is forced to make an escape on the Wright Brother's plane with Bart. They make a Kamikaze run at Krusty's make shift TV broadcasting studio, despite being chased by men with butterfly nets and pool skimmers. Escaping these deadly weapons they (eventually)crash the plane into the building with minimal impact leaving them slightly bruised but the structure intact. Bob is once again hauled off to jail, meanwhile Grandpa plans to "Haul ass to Hulapalooza" in the least predictable Simpsons ending ever.

The most recent episode involving Side Show Bob has him released from prison on the work release program. His brother, with seemingly good intentions, has him work on the Springfield Dam. However, he is secretly hiding the money for concrete and saving it for his own prosperity. With the paper thin walls of the dam holding back Springfield River, Cecil plans to detonate a bomb sending a tidal wave into the city and Bart, Lisa, and Bob to their deaths. Bob temporarily saves the city buy jumping off the bridge with the bomb. Bob then saves Barts life as well. Lisa sends Cecil's money floating down the river and the tidal wave the breaks through washes it away into the city. Wiggum, untrustin of Bob, sends both he and Cecil to jail for a crime that Bob had nothing to do with.

Bart's National Grammar Rodeo!

As you know, bart wasn't always the greatest at language skills, but he always had something to say whether dumb or not. So here are some situations where Bart got a little stuck and just had to say something stupid. Fill in the line, and mail it to me at sacrilicious1@oocities.com, and I'll post you up here. Don't get discouraged when I only put up three of your many answers, I'm giving everyone a chance here.

In an act of wonton distruction Bart sings what song while smashing mustard packets with a hammer?-

When under cover in Shelbyville, what does Bart try to use as jet packs to lift him to safety when confronted by his elementary school counterparts?-

Bart's example of a paradox in genius school-you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't-solved by Ross Bovenkerk

What do the 4 boys (Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin) spend the last of their money on after purchasing wigs in Knoxville, Tennessee during their spring break?-

In the Treehouse of Horrors episode in which Bart's evil twin attempts to sew them back together again, what does Bart have to eat before he can get some turkey?-

Bart's comment on the quality of Mother Goose's Story Time Village display of the Three Little Pigs-

What does Bart think Lisa is suggesting he travel as in an attmept to get him home from Knoxville?-

In Itchy and Scratchy Land, what License Plate does the gift shop carry instead of "Bart?"-Bort-solved by Josh Fox

Bart's response to the electrifying cupcake-Wise guy, eh?!-solved by Ross Bovenkerk

Bart's final request of Sideshow Bob before he is sent to his watery grave-That he sing the entire score to the H.M.S. Pinafore-solved by Josh Fox

As if Bart didn't already have enough catch phrases, he's got the eternal job of writing his mistakes on the chalk board during his 500 days detention (wooaah, big man, I can do that standing on my head. Alright, 600 days! Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth). So here we go again:

This is not a clue, or is it?

I will not be disappointed with the solution when I see it.

The truth is not out there.

I will not waste chalk

I will not aim for the head

I will not skateboard in the halls

I will not barf unless I'm sick

I will not burp in class

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty

I will not instigate revolution

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge

I will not draw naked ladies in class

I will not conduct my own fire drills

I did not see Elvis

I will return the seeing-eye dog

Funny noises are not funny

I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"

I will not snap bras

Garlic gum is not funny

I will not fake seizures

They are laughing at me, not with me

This punishment is not boring and meaningless

I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom

My name is not Dr. Death

I will not encourage others to fly

I will not defame New Orleans

I will not fake my way through life

I will not prescribe medication

Tar is not a plaything

I will not bury the new kid

I will not Xerox my butt

I will not teach others to fly

It's potato, not potatoe

I will not bring sheep to class

I will not trade pants with others

A burp is not an answer

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy

I am not a 32 year old woman

Teacher is not a leper

I will not do that thing with my tongue

Coffee is not for kids

I will not drive the principal's car

I will not eat things for money

I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call

I will not sell school property

The principal's toupee is not a frisbee

I will not cut corners

I will not squeak chalk

I do not have diplomatic immunity

I will not charge admission to the bathroom

I will not get very far with this attitude

Goldfish don't bounce

I will not make flatulent noises in class

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

I will not belch the National Anthem

No one is interested in my underpants

I will not sell land in Florida

I will not sell miracle cures

I will not grease the monkey bars

Underwear should be worn on the inside

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment

The Christmas pageant does not stink

I will not do anything bad ever again

I will not torment the emotionally frail

I will not show off

I will not call the principal "spud head"

I will not carve gods

I will not sleep through my education

I will not spank others

I am not a dentist

I will not bribe Principal Skinner

Spitwads are not free speech

I will finish what I sta

Nobody likes sunburn slappers

"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender

High explosives and school don't mix

Hamsters cannot fly

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy

I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle

I am not deliciously saucy

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

I will not send lard through the mail

I will not use abbrev.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage

There are plenty of businesses like show business

I will not dissect things unless instructed

I will not hang donuts on my person

No one wants to hear my armpits

I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

I will not strut around like I own the place

Next time it could be me on the scaffolding

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far

I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist

I am not a lean mean spitting machine

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan

I will not whittle hall passes out of soap

Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things

I do not have power of attorney over first graders

Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does

I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.

I am not certified to remove asbestos

"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

I will remember to take my medication

It does not suck to be you

The boys room is not a water park

Beans are neither fruit nor musical

Nerve gas is not a toy

"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism

The First Amendment does not cover burping

Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough

Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol related

I no longer want my MTV

Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story

Shooting paintballs is not an art form

Silly string is not a nasal spray

I was not told to do this

My butt does not deserve a web site

Sherri does not "got back"

Hillbillies are people too

I will not scream for ice cream

No one cares what my definition of "is" is

I cannot absolve sins

I am not the last don

I'm so very tired

I will not create art from dung

I did not win the Nobel fart prize

Class clown is not a paid position

Substitute teachers are not scabs

My suspension was not "mutual"

A belch is not an oral report

Dodgeball stops at the gym door

Fridays are not "pants optional"

"Non-flammable" is not a challenge

I will stop phoning it in

I was not touched "there" by an angel

I was not the sixth Beetle

I will only provide a urine sample when asked

The nurse is not dealing

Network tv is not dead

I will not hide the teacher's medication

I will not publish the principal's credit report

The hamster did not have "a full life"

I will not buy a presidential pardon

Temptation Island was not a sleazy piece of crap

I will not scare the vice president

I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs

I will not flush evidence

I should not be twenty-one by now

Nobody reads these anymore

I am not Charlie Brown on acid

Fun does not have a size

Do not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers

Making Milhose cry is not a science project

Vampire is not a career choice

A burp in a jar is not a science project

Milhouse did not test cootie positive

This school does not need "some change"

Fish do not like coffee

I will not [Bart gets out an axe and chops through the chalkboard]

My pen is not a booger launcher


move along to the only living man with Homer Simpson Syndrome
move along to a sister of twins
move along to ex-Little Miss Springfield
move along to the arch enemy of that baby with the one eye brow
move along to the father of a day dreaming mellon head
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