Margaret's Engagement
Margaret: I've been up and down on a merry-go-round ever since I got here; I've hardly slept a wink!
Potter: Well, war is hell. What about the medical follow-up you were sent there for?
Margaret: Oh, Colonel, I checked on the progress of numerous patients operated on at the 4077th, and I have significant recommendations to recommend.
Potter: Commendable. Now what's all that caterwauling I hear?
Margaret: I'm at the Zen Bar and Grill, sir. General Tumwater is giving a small celebration.
Potter: Trivian Tumwater? Worst toupee in the Asian theatre of operations, right?
Margaret: That's him!
Frank: What has he got that I haven't got?
Margaret: Lips!
The Nurses
Margaret [watching Hawkeye board up her tent]: Captain, I know this may sound like a frivolous question, but what the hell are you doing?
Baker: How can we be honest with you? You're like a cat waiting for the mice to make a mistake so you can pounce!
Mary Jo: Let's face it, Major: you don't trust us.
Margaret: And do you trust me? You act like I'm the enemy!
Baker: All right, if I had asked you for permission last night, what would you have said?
Margaret: I would have said no!
Baker: See?
Margaret: Not because it's against regulations, but because of the rotten way you've treated me!
Baker: The way we've treated you? What are you talking about?
Margaret: Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and hear your laughter and know that I'm not welcome? Did you ever even offer me a lousy cup of coffee?
Baker: We didn't think you'd accept.
Margaret: Well, you were wrong.
Nurse: Why are we making fudge again in this heat?
Nurse: Well, the last time Baker threw it all over the front of the tent.
Baker: Now I'm gonna throw it over the back so it'll match.
Nurse: Try some, it's good.
Nurse: What we don't eat we could always use to waterproof our boots.
Margaret enters.
Margaret: Evening, nurses.
Nurses: Good evening, Major.
Margaret: I've your assignments for tomorrow. [sees fudge] I hope that's not what I think it is.
Mary Jo: No, Major. It's fudge.
Margaret: Cooking in the tents is against regulations.
Nurse: Yes, Major. Have some?
Margaret, tasting it: Oooh, that's really bad!
Baker: How about a lousy cup of coffee?
Margaret: I'd love it.
Dear Sigmund
Sidney [letter to Sigmund]: Margaret's an interesting woman. On the outside all discipline and strength and on the inside six kinds of passion looking for an exit.
Margaret: Major, word has gotten around that you're feeling kinda low.
Sidney: Hard to keep a secret here in Macy's Window Eastern. [Note: What the hell does he say here??]
Margaret: Well, everyone kinda keeps an eye on everybody else here. You're not thinking of doing anything foolish?
Sidney: No, I mainly have a dull ache behind my nose and a feeling of listlessness, sort of a severe Geritol deficiency. You ever get like that?
Margaret: No, never. I wouldn't permit it.
Sidney: How do you manage that?
Margaret: I just don't let it get to me.
Sidney: The wounded don't get to you? The cold, the food, the rats??
Margaret: Major, I have three nurses down with dysentery, I have a shortage of sulpher, surgical gowns and rubber gloves and I got a call from my fiancé in Tokyo this morning who celebrated his birthday last night, without me.
Sidney: He must miss you very much.
Margaret: No. He said they had a very good time.
Sidney: I see.
Margaret: Am I upset? Am I distressed? No! One has to be strong, Major. In strength is serenity.
Sidney: Well, I take my hat off to you, Margaret.
Margaret: Just a minute, Major! What is that thing doing over there?
Sidney: I'm sorry - what thing?
Margaret: You let a woman sit down and have a drink with you with that thing there?
Sidney: You mean the athletic supporter? Major, you're a nurse!
Margaret: It's disgusting! Will you put something over it?
Sidney: Like a fig leaf?
Margaret: How dare you parade that thing in front of me?
Sidney: Major, it isn't even mine!
Margaret: It belongs to one of those repulsive, drunken, lecherous, evil cretins. They live like pigs. They have the morals of baboons. Will you please put your hat on it?!
Sidney: Certainly.
Margaret: Thank you.
Sidney: My uniform is proud to serve you. I'm sorry you got upset.
Margaret: I'm not upset.
Sidney: Well, a little agitated.
Margaret: Not at all. It would be useless. I wouldn't permit it.
Sidney: Right.
Margaret: And you can do it if I can. I don't feel a thing.
Sidney [letter to Sigmund]: Some people won't accept pain. They just refuse delivery. That's pretty difficult here because pain is such a basic ingredient in the MASH unit.
Hawkeye Get Your Gun
BJ [about Frank]: How do we shut junior up?
Margaret: Suture his lips.
Hawkeye: How 'bout a little kiss for the road?
Margaret: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Hawkeye: Then how 'bout one for me?
Ping Pong
Frank: I don't see why the American taxpayer has to pay for a wedding between these two pagans.
Margaret: They're not pagans, Frank, everyone's going to be wearing clothes.
Frank [about Cho's marriage]: They won't get away with this. General Haroldson will hear about this.
Margaret: Oh, shut up.
Hepatitis
Hawkeye: Have to have a look at your body, Margaret.
Margaret: Haha, don't you wish.
Hawkeye: Lie down on the bed and let me feel your liver.
Margaret: That'll be the day. Get out of here.
Hawkeye: Margaret, we may be facing a hepatitis epidemic. I have to examine you. You're gonna get a shot, too.
Margaret: So are you, kiddo.
Margaret: I will not show you my tongue, especially not underneath.
Hawkeye: How bout if I show you mine first?
Margaret: I can look at my own tongue. It's ok.
Hawkeye: OK? It's gorgeous!
Margaret: Stop it.
Hawkeye: Oh, come on, Margaret, you're taking all the fun out of it.
Margaret: Yes, that's right, I am.
Hawkeye: Margaret, this is not merely a dream come true: gammaglobulin goes better in a person's kaboose.
Margaret: Not this person's.
Hawkeye: Margaret, you're a nurse!
Margaret: Oh, alright, let's get this over with!
Hawkeye: My sentiments exactly: let us not dawdle over a moment like this; let us treat it as a professional encounter of the most - oh, Margaret, may I pause on this occasion to express a few thoughts?
Margaret: If you say ONE word...!
Hawkeye: Oh, I wouldn't, I would not a word - but, but if I did that word would be magnificent! Would that be bad?
Margaret: Would you please just give me the shot?
Hawkeye: OK, OK. There.
Margaret: How dare you, come in here on the pretext of giving me a shot, and then stand there ogling me as though I were a side-show attraction?
Hawkeye: Boy, I show you a little appreciation and you hit the roof. What do you want from me?
Margaret: Respect. Simple respect. I expect nothing more and I'll accept nothing less.
Hawkeye: Hey, that's pretty good. You got me with that.
Good.
Hawkeye: No, I mean, you really did. I bet that would work with Donald's mother.
Margaret: What?
Hawkeye: Maybe not those words, but that attitude: simple respect.
Margaret: Maybe.
Hawkeye: You know, in some ways, you really are magnificent, and not just on the outside.
Margaret: Thank you.
Hawkeye: You wanna give me a shot?
Margaret: Oh, buzz off.
Hawkeye: I'm just asking!
Movie Tonight
Margaret [singing]: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot, but this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott!
Hawkeye: And now for the moment no one has been waiting for, the Father Mulcahy sound-a-like contest! My word to Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly. You try it.
Klinger: Me? Oh, how can you make jokes at a time like this? Oh.
Frank: Uh, the Post-op is collapsing and the O.R.'s on fire.
Margaret: And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
Radar: Oh, uh, sorry, Father. It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He was the most remarkable shade of yellow.
Potter: Jocularity! Jocularity!
Margaret's Marriage
Nurse: It's fruit juice and poison.
Margaret: It can't possibly hurt.
All: Cheers!
Margaret: Too much fruit juice.
Nurse: Open your presents.
Margaret: How terrific! Who's this from?
Nurse: From me!
Nurse: Hurry!
Margaret: A back-scratcher! The Colonel will love it! He's got a little itch right there! When I'm not around, he won't need anybody else to scratch it! Thank you.
Klinger: Sorry I'm late: I had to iron this dress.
Margaret: Oh, Klinger, this is for ladies only.
Klinger: Just a little something for the bride-to-be.
Margaret: Oh, Klinger, how sweet.
Klinger: In the words of my people, may your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms, warm breezes, and spit-free camels.
Margaret: How touching.
Nurse: It's gorgeous.
Klinger: I always figured if I had a daughter, I'd want her to wear that gown. My Uncle Zack used it to get out of WWI. Don't tear it. [starts crying]