"Mystery Science Theater 3000: DiC Dubbed Sailor Moon"

Send any comments and criticism to cchua@sdcoe.k12.ca.us

If you are under 18, this fanfic is suitable material for you. There is none of THAT stuff.

"Sailor Moon" and all related stuff are copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all companies involved with her work.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc.

Any mentions of copyrighted names and other stuff are copyrighted by their respective copyright holders.

All copyrighted names and other stuff are used without permission. Because this is not for profit, I don't think I'm violating any copyright laws.

This incredibly great work of literature and creativity is solely intended for the purpose of entertainment and is NOT to be sold under any circumstance whatsoever. If you are caught selling this, you will be court-martialed, shot, sent to the Russian Front, dunked in the Cursed Spring of Drowned Fish, shown the DiC version of "Sailor Moon" over and over again, encased in carbonite, fed to the almighty Sarlacc, bitten by Mike Tyson, required to do the Macarena, forced to watch every frame of footage from the O.J. Simpson trial with Mike and the bots, and forced to read this MiSTing.

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An Anchorhead Presentation
http://www.oocities.org/Area51/Hollow/5090/

GET READY!

[The Love Theme from MST3K:DiC]
In the not-too-distant future,
Next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Mike,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked at the Gizmonic Institute,
Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him,
So they shot him into space.

Mike: Not again!

They'll send him cheesy DiC dubs,
Worse than DBZ. (La-la-la)
Is Mike going to lose his sanity?
We'll just have to wait and see. (La-la-la)
Keep in mind Mike can't control,
Where the DiC dubs begin or end. (La-la-la)
Because he used those special parts,
To make his robot friends.

Robot Roll Call!

Cambot: Zoom out!
Gypsy: Buy fansubs!
Tom Servo: Rock on!
Croooow: Hail DiC!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts (La-la-la)
Then remember, it's just a MSTing,
You should really just relax.
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!

EPISODE 1

SATELLITE OF LOVE

It was another day on the Satellite of Love, a day like any other day. Mike and the bots were expecting the weekly bad movie and/or fanfic, but got a bad surprise instead.

"Hey, guys, check this out!" Mike called out to his robot pals. "Look at my invention for this week."

Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, and Cambot followed Mike into the empty room with steel walls and ceiling. The bots were all wondering what or where Mike's invention was.

"Do you like it?"

"Uh, like what?" Tom asked Mike, completely stumped at what it could possibly be.

"It's a hol---" Mike began to say.

"Uh, Mike, the mads are calling," Gypsy informed him. "They say they've got something really evil to tell you."

"Well, as usual. I've got something to show him anyway."

DEEP 13

Dr. Clayton Forrester planned to completely ruin Mike Nelson. He and his robots could handle the bad sci-fi films, and even fanfics, but he knew that they would break down after seeing 82 episodes of the worst anime dub in the history of anime, dubbing, or anime dubbing.

"You call, Dr. F?" Mike asked of the mad scientist.

"If I didn't call you, we wouldn't be talking, right?" Dr. F was obviously acting like a snob on purpose. "Anyway, are you ready for this week's invention exchange?"

"Yep, Dr. F, but you'll have to come down here to see it."

"Well then, I'll go first. Have you ever heard about that new Baskin-Robbins Frappuccino shake thing?"

Mike replied, "Yeah, that's the one that they flavor like some weird blend of Colombian crud."

Dr. Forrester continued, "Well, my invention will completely filter the Frappuccino of its key ingredient."

Mike guessed, "Coffee?"

Dr. F replied, "Of course not! C6H12O6, the simple monosaccharides that make ice cream so great."

Mike gasped in shock. "The SUGAR! You're taking out the SUGAR?"

Dr. F completed his explanation, "Then nobody will buy any more ice cream from 31 Flavors, then I'll plant the device in every Dreyer's factory. The nation will be deprived of the country's tastiest treat. BWAHAHAHAHA! Well, I guess I'll send TV's Frank down to test your invention during the first break."

Mike groaned as he expected another movie. "What are you showing us today?"

Dr. F first asked, "Well, I'd like to see the expression on the bots' faces when I tell you. Where are they?"

Mike answered, "They're looking at my invention. Magic Voice, could you go get Crow and Tom? Dr. F wants to talk to us all."

Magic replied, "Sure thing, Mike! They'll be there in a jiffy."

Dr. F asked confusedly, "Since when did Magic Voice get on the Satellite of Love?"

Mike explained, "She wanted to work two jobs at once. One on Anchorhead's SOL, and one on Megane 6.7's."

Crow and Tom headed from the room that they were in toward the bridge. Crow asked Mike, "What's in there that's so special?"

And Tom asked, "And since when did Magic Voice get in MST3K:DiC?"

Dr. Forrester said, "Oh good, you're finally here. I have a big surprise for you all."

Crow and Tom moaned simultaneously. Crow asked, "Hey, what movie are we seeing today?"

Dr. Forrester produced an evil grin and said, "I'm not sending you a movie today."

Crow and Tom looked wide-eyed and sang, "CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!"

Dr. Forrester told them, "I'm sending you an episode of DiC dubbed Sailor Moon."

Mike and the bots wanted to yell, scream, curse, damage property, and beat up Dr. Forrester, but didn't. They knew that if they did, it would show that Dr. F had won his war against Mike.

"Frank, send them the DiC dub! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Nothing happened.

"Frank? Frank! Oh, I forgot I was testing my filter on some Dreyer's. Frank must of ate that [stuff]. Ah well, away the dub goes..."

SATELLITE OF LOVE

Crow said, "NO! Dr. F finally found something that might actually kill us."

"Or at least drive us insane," Tom added.

"Don't worry, guys, the dub's not that bad," Mike assured them.

"There is no tolerance for SM dubbies on this satellite," argued Crow.

"Hey, you're the one who said, 'Hail DiC!' in the opening," countered Mike.

"Oh, bite me," Crow told him. Just then alarms and sirens rang out at an ear-piercing level.

"OH," Mike cried out, "WE'VE GOT DiC DUB SIGN!!!"

Door 6 is made of Beanie Babies. You take each one out and sell it for a nifty profit.
Door 5 is made of poison oak. You scratch your way through it.
Door 4 is made of cotton. You make little piles of cotton on the floor.
Door 3 is made of cottonless Q-Tips. You use the cotton from Door 4 to finish them off.
Door 2 is Eli Whitney's cottin gin. You drive it back to the bridge hoping to be able to use it after the first break.
Door 1 is made of polyester. You burn it.
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.

Mike walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Mike takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The title screen appears.

>"A Moon Star is Born"

Crow: Hmm. I wonder if Moon means Porn in DiC terms.

Mike: Crow...

>Narrator: A thousand years...

Mike: Equals one millenium.

Crow: 10 centuries.

Tom: 50 scores.

Mike: 100 decades.

Crow: 1000 years.

Tom: 50 scores!

Mike: Tom...

>Narrator: ...ago, our...

Mike: Founding fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...

Crow: Conceived on the Fourth of July!

Mike: Crow...

>Narrator: ...moon was home to a great civilization,

Crow: Aztec?

Tom: Inca?

Mike: Microsoft?

Crow: No, Mike.

>Narrator: ruled by...

Crow: Kaddafi?

Tom: Saddam?

Mike: DiCaprio?

>Narrator: ...Queen...

Crow: Elizabeth.

>Narrator: ...Serenity. Everything was peaceful, unti the arrival of the evil...

Mike: Person from that thing,

Tom: With that stuff,

Crow: Sometime A.D.

>Narrator: ...Queen...

Crow: Elizabeth.

>Narrator: ...Beryl.
>Beryl: Hahaha! First the moon shall be mine, then the universe!

Tom: (imitating Beryl) Hee hee! Then I shall take over the U.S., and fansubs will be outlawed!

Mike: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Crow: Uh, they're illegal anyway.

Tom: (still imitating Beryl) Okay, all fansubs will be destroyed, and everyone will be stuck with dubs!

Crow: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

>Narrator: To conquer the moon, Queen...

Crow: Elizabeth.

>Narrator: ...Beryl unleashed the awesome power of the Negaforce.

Mike: Radical!

Crow: Far out!

Tom: Gnarly!

All: (imitating Wayne and Garth) EXCELLENT!!!

>Narrator: Although her world was destroyed, Queen...

Crow: Elizabeth.

Tom: You know, that's getting really old.

Crow: Bite me.

>Narrator: Serenity's last hope was the power of the Imperium Silver Crystal and the Crescent Moon Wand.

Mike: How does Queen Serenity have a last hope when her world is destroyed?

Tom: One of many questions left unanswered by DiC.

>Queen Serenity: Only this crystal and wand can combat the power of the Negaforce. Never let our enemies get them, or the universe is doomed!

All: Duh!

>Queen Serenity: But most of all, you must protect our dear Princess...

Tom: Er, Elizabeth!

Crow: That was lame.

Tom: Bite me.

>Queen Serenity: ...Serena, understand?

Mike: Does that mean if I screw up, everyone will suffer a cruel death instead of enjoying a peaceful life?

>Luna & Artemis: Yes!

Crow & Tom: Gasp! They talked!

Mike: Oh, I thought she was talking to *me*.

>Narrator: Enclosed in their moon beam crystals,

Tom: Moon beam crystals?

Crow: That's what Anchorhead thought he said.

Mike: The marvels of DiC...

>Narrator: the queen sent the princess and the children of the moon to the future on Earth, their memories lost to them all.

Mike: What?!

Crow: DiC wrote it.

Mike: Oh.

>Narrator: The queen's cat advisors, Luna and Artemis,

Mike: Are those advisors to the cats or advisors who are cats?

Tom: What do you think?

Crow: I thought Artemis was female in ancient Greek mythology.

Tom: Yeah, so?

Crow: Nothing important...

>Narrator: must find the princess so she will at last be safe.

Mike: What makes the princess so much safer with two cats around?

Tom: Stop asking so many questions!

Crow: They talk, Mike. They're special.

Mike: Yeah, Crow, they probably stink and never have to use the litter box...

>Narrator: And so our story begins...

Mike: If the story hasn't begun yet, what just happened?

Tom: ERRRRRRRR!

Crow: DiC gave away plot we weren't supposed to find out until dub episode 39.

Mike: Figures...

>[Serena's house, an alarm clock rings]
>Serena: Aaah! Oh, no! I'm late for school again! Mother, why didn't you wake me up in time for the first bell?

Tom: (imitating Mom) Because I got you that alarm clock, remember?

>Mom: I did, Serena darling, three times, and each time you said you were getting up right away.

Crow: Third time's the charm!

Tom: Apparently not for Serena's mom.

Crow: That's sick when you think about it.

Mike: Guys...

Tom: What did I do?

>Serena: And you believed me?

Crow: (imitating Serena) Yeah, what kind of mother are you?

>Mom: Serena!!!
>Serena: I gotta go!
>Mom: Aren't you forgetting something, dear?
>Serena: What? Huh? Oh, yeah. Bye, Mom! See you after school!
>[Serena leaves and runs to school.]

Crow: So THAT's *Usagi's Usual Morning*.

(A letter appears in the air and falls in Mike's lap)

Mike: Hey, it's from Anchorhead. It says:

Hey, SM MiSTers and SOS people. I just wanted to clarify that "Usagi's Usual Morning" is supposedly a hentai fanfic (a fanfic with THAT stuff). But I've never read it, okay. I'm not like that. Thanks, Mike. Now back to riffing DiC.

Mike: All right, back to riffing DiC.

>Serena: (yawns) I'm so sleepy! Why can't today be Saturday?

Tom: But it's Sunday!

Crow: No, it's not! It's Saturday! MST3K is on Saturdays.

Tom: But the opening said it was next Sunday A.D.!

Mike: (groans) Guys, let's get back to the dub.

>Kids: Hold it still! I want to feel it's tongue!

Tom: Wha?!

Crow: Not to mention other parts...

Mike: Crow!

Crow: Oops...

>Serena: Hey! Stop it! You leave her alone!

Tom: (imitating kid) Aw, just when I was going to feel it's...

Mike: Don't go there, Servo.

>Serena: Rotten brats!

Crow: (imitating Luna) Hey, what did I do?

Tom: (imitating Luna) No, if you pour water on me, I will not turn into a blue-haired Chinese Amazon.

>Serena: (to Luna) You poor thing! Did those creepy kids hurt you, kitty?

Tom: (imitating Luna) Not really. They just felt my...

Mike: ERRRRRRRR!

>Luna: (meows a lot)

Crow & Tom: She's in the Cat-Fist!

Mike: (imitating Soun) That's right! Luna's in the Cat-Fist! When she's in the Cat-Fist, she's invincible!

>Serena: You're okay. But how about I take this bandage off you? Huh? Is that a crescent moon?

Mike: (imitating Luna) No! It's my frown, turned upside-down!

Crow & Tom: (singing) Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

>[Luna jumps away]

Crow: (imitating Luna, again) Whoa, man, you reek, Usagi!

>Luna: (to herself) This girl...I sense something.

Crow: That's because Luna's *ALWAYS* sensing something.

Tom: Ah, stupid censors. DiC even hired Luna...

>Serena: Heh, heh. Nice kitty.

Crow & Tom: Luna's still in the Cat-Fist!

>Serena: Oh, great! Now I'm really late!

Tom: Not really, all that happened was that stupid plot giveaway and that tongue feeling thing.

Mike: She's late for school, not for watching SM.

Tom: Bite me.

>Luna: Could she be the one?

All: Ya think?

>[Serena has just arrived to her classroom]

Tom: See, that didn't take very long.

Mike: (groans)

>Serena: Hey! Did you hear? There's a new Sailor V video game out. I saw it on TV.

Crow: (imitating Molly) I saw it on a poster.

Tom: (imitating some kid in class) I saw it on a billboard.

Mike: (imitating Melvin) I saw it on the internet.

>Haruna: Serena, you need more studying and less TV. There isn't any excuse for failing this exam!

Tom: (imitating Serena) Less TV? As if!

Crow: (imitating Serena) I failed? How can that be?

>Serena: I failed? How can that be?

Tom: Oh, no! DiC's taking over my mind!

Crow & Mike: (stand and hum Taps)

Tom: What'd you do that for?

Mike & Crow: (grin like Dr. F did a few minutes ago)

>Haruna: Have your mother sign this and return it to me.

Tom: (imitating Serena) Sign what?

Crow: (imitating Haruna) THIS!

Tom: (imitating Serena) Oh.

Mike: Serena's mom is forwarding all of her UPS [stuff] to the school.

>[outside of the school]
>Molly: Ah, chill out, Serena. It's just one lousy test! It's not like it's the end of the world or something.

Mike: (imitating Serena) That's where you're wrong, Molly! It was *something*!

Crow: (imitating Serena) And the phrase "lousy test" is redundant!

>Serena: You don't get it, Molly. If my mom finds out I flunked that test, she'll ground me and cut my allowance, and I won't get to play the new Sailor V game.

Mike: (imitating Mom) On behalf of the moon, I will punish you!

>Melvin: Hey, Serena, I heard about your test. Want me to be your tutor?

Tom: Word sure does get around fast!

>Serena: About as much as a toothache.

All: You'll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush your teeth with PEPSODENT!

>Molly: You're such a dweeb, Melvin.

All: No kidding!

>Molly: She doesn't need a tutor; she needs a trip to the mall to get her mind off it. Tell your mother you're at my house studying.

Crow & Tom: That would be lying!

>Melvin: You're going shopping! What's more important than your grades?

Mike: Self-respect, dignity, friends, family, shelter, food, television, internet...

>Melvin: Look, I didn't study and I only got a 95!

Mike: Oh, my goddess!

Crow & Tom: We will not bite off Megane 6.7...

Mike: All right, then. IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!!!

Crow & Tom: Thank you...

>Melvin: How will I ever explain it to my parents?

Crow & Tom: Will they care?

>Molly: Will they care?

Crow & Tom: ERRRRRRRR!

Mike: Whoa, how'd you do that?

Crow & Tom: (growl at Mike)

>Serena: Maybe, you guys...

Mike: What? What should we do?

Crow & Tom: (grinning like Dr. F) We should kill Mike!

Mike: Hey, guys! This is a DiC dub! You can't kill me!

Crow & Tom: Why not?

Mike: What the [stuff] is going on here? Do you guys always have to say the same thing at same time?

Crow & Tom: Er, yes!

>Molly: What? We're going shopping! By the time you get home, your mom will have forgotten all about that dumb test.

Crow & Tom: Hey, Mike, how did you do that [stuff] thing?

Mike: It's easy! Just say [stuff] or [stuff] or [stuff].

Crow & Tom: But we can't! That's not appropriate!

Mike: That's why it says [stuff].

Crow & Tom: I guess we'll try it during the break.

>Serena: Do you really think so?
>Molly: I know so!

Mike: Advice from the omniscient Molly Baker...

>Molly: I saw some major awesome boots on sale!

Mike: Does that have anything to do with my mom?

Crow & Tom: Available at the Boot Barn, the Boot Warehouse, the Boot Store, the Boot Outlet, the Boot Shack, the Boot Palace...

Mike: Or the Richard Simmons slim Booty Shop!

All: Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your booty!

>Serena: We can get ice cream!

Tom & Crow: Not after Dr. F messed with it, you can't!

>Molly: Then shop some more!

Mike: (imitating Serena) But I want ice cream! Wahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

>Serena: Can we look for some earrings?

Crow & Tom: (imitating Molly) But my ears aren't even pierced!

Mike: Yes, they are! Remember, the DiC dub sign was at "an ear-piercing" level.

Crow & Tom: Bite me!

>Molly: Good idea! We'll go to my mom's jewelry store! She's got some major cool stuff!

Crow & Tom: I thought the DiC dub used the expression "wicked cool."

>Molly: I mean wicked cool!

Mike: How'd you do that?

>Serena: I could use some new pink barettes for my hair.

Mike: Where would they go?

>Molly: Oh, she's got all kinds of great things. You've gotta see it. It'll blow you away!

Mike: Centerally located, just off the Third Avenue exit in the Juuban District of Tokyo. It's OSA-P!

>Molly: Diamonds, rubies, emeralds,

All: Oh, my!

Mike: (singing) We're off to see the Wizard...

Crow & Tom: The wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Mike: We hear is a wizziful wiz,

Crow & Tom: If ever a wiz there was!

>Molly: all kinds of stuff, even some rhinestones.

Mike: Disco inferno!

Crow & Tom: (singing) Burn, baby, burn!

>Serena: Rhinestones! I love those!

Mike: (imitating Serena) I got 'em at Ross!

>Molly: She's got lots of them in lots of colors!

Mike: Lots of colors for lots of styles!

>Serena: Pink?! And purple?!

Mike: Por supuesto.

Crow & Tom: Oh, no! Mike's speaking in Spanish!

>Molly: Oh like, for sure!
>Serena: All right! When do we leave?

Mike: Exactly what I was wondering...

>Serena: Let's go!
>Melvin: Heh, heh. Serena, beautiful...but a shopaholic.

Crow & Tom: Hey, Mike! When's the next Shopaholics Anonymous meeting?

Mike: Cute, guys.

Crow & Tom: We thought so.

>[Queen Beryl's palace]
>Beryl: The oracle says it's time to attack the other dimension, to unleash the power of the Negaforce.

Mike: (imitating Beryl) [Stuff], that [stuffing] oracle is worse than the Psychic Friends Network.

Crow and Tom: Didn't she already unleash the power of the Negaforce?

Mike: Guys, can't you guys just stop saying the same thing simultaneously?

Crow & Tom: Er, no!

>Negaverse people: Yes! Yes!

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

>Beryl: But to do so, I shall require energy, yes, a great deal of energy. We shall get it from the planet Earth. So Jedite, present yourself and tell me of your progress there.

Mike: (imitating Jedite) Uh, we didn't start yet. This is the first episode.

>Jedite: Yes, Queen Beryl. As we speak, my servent Morga is on the other side, preparing to gather energy.

Mike: The other side of what?

Crow & Tom: We think he means the other dimension.

Mike: The fifth dimension, right?

Crow & Tom: (groan) Yes, Mike.

>Jedite: The humans are weak and helpless, and they will yield to our will.

Crow & Tom: Ha ha, Mike, he dissed you! He dissed you bad!

Mike: Ah, bite me.

>Jedite: And then nothing will stand in the way of the great Negaforce!

Mike: Nothing stands in their way anyway...

>Beryl: Do not fail me, Jedite. I need their energy.
>Jedite: Yes, my queen.

Crow & Tom: Mike, how many times have they said "queen" in this episode?

Mike: Uh, eight, I think.

>[OSA-P Jewelry Store]
>Molly's mom: Come on in, everyone's welcome! Make me an offer!

Mike: I don't think anyone wants to *make you an offer*!

Crow & Tom: Eww, Mike!

>Serena: Molly, what's going on?

Crow & Tom: (imitating Molly) Hey, Serena, my mom's possessed! Isn't that great?

Mike: That's it! I'm going to cure this weird condition of yours. Try not to say the same thing.

Crow & Tom: Okay.

Mike: All right. [Stuff].

Crow & Tom: [Stuff].

Mike: [Stuff]!

Crow & Tom: [Stuff]!

Mike: [STUFF]!

Crow & Tom: [STUFF]!

Mike: [STUFF]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crow & Tom: [STUFF]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike:[[[[STUFFFFFFFFFFFF]]]]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crow: Gee, Mike, what's your problem?

Tom: Yeah, stop [stuffing] us!

Mike: Rejoice! It's cured!

Crow: To the asylum, Mike...

>Molly's mom: Welcome, ladies! Here's your chance to own diamonds, sapphires...

Crow: Rubies!

Tom: Emeralds!

Mike: Rhinestones!

Crow: Pearls!

Tom: Amethysts!

Mike: Cubic zirconia!

>Molly: I don't get it. My mom's acting real strange.

Mike: Like mother, like daughter...

>Serena: Yeah, what'd she put in her coffee this morning?

Crow: It was a Frappuccino!

Tom: At least she got hers before Dr. F got to it.

Mike: Amen to that.

>Molly's mom: For today only, everything in the store's 90% off! Please feel free to try on anything.

Mike: And I'm the one going to the asylum?

Crow: Ah, bite me.

Tom: What are the odds that this is a Negaverse plot?

Crow: 3,720 to 1.

Mike: Never tell me the odds!

>[Here it is found that Molly's mom is really a Negaverse monster disguised as Molly's mom]

All: SURPRISE!

>Morga: (voice-over) And surrender your frantic energy to Queen Beryl and the Negaforce!

Tom: That's number 9.

>Morga: For I am Morga, loyal disciple to the Negaverse, and my jewels will drain away all of your energy!

Crow: And then everyone shall bow down to *Queen* Beryl and *Queen* Elizabeth!

Mike: And I will be the *Queen* of Antarctica! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Tom: That's evil, guys.

>Jedite: You have done well, Morga. So much greed, so much energy! Queen Beryl will be most pleased!

Crow: That's ten!

Tom: If he says "Queen Beryl" one more time, I'll go nuts!

>Jedite: Feed the Negaforce, foolish humans!

Mike: [Stuff] you!

>Jedite: Soon Queen Beryl...

Tom: ERRRRRRRR!!!!

Crow: Eleven!

>Jedite: ...will triumph. Prepare them, Morga, for Queen Beryl's...

Crow: Twelve, now that's sad.

Tom: AHHHHHHHH! (Tom's head explodes in a dazzling display of fire, smoke, and a shower of sparks.)

Mike: DiC's done it now!

>Jedite: ...triumphant arrival!
>Morga: With pleasure!

Mike: Tom, you all right?

Tom: (Tom regains consciousness and coughs) Stupid DiC! Well, it looks as if I'm going to need a new head.

>Molly: Mama?
>Molly's mom: Huh? Oh, Molly, what a surprise!

Crow: (imitating Molly's mom) It must be my birthday!

>Molly: Serena and I came to see some...
>Serena: RHINESTONE JEWELRY!

Mike: (imitating Molly's mom) And I put something in *my* coffee!

>Molly's mom: Rhinestones? Don't be silly! Now girls, help yourself to some diamonds instead! There's plenty to go around!

Crow: DeBeers, a diamond is forever.

>Serena: Diamonds?

Mike: (imitating Molly's mom) Yes! Now take one and let it drain your energy!

>Molly's mom: Why, yes! Any friend of Molly's deserves nothing but the best!

Crow: (imitating Serena) So, I get Andrew for a night?

Mike: Crow...

>Serena: I can't believe it! I totally can't believe it!

Tom: (coughing) That she deserves Andrew?

Mike: Tom...

>Molly's mom: Here, Serena, would you like to try on this ring?
>Serena: Wow! Would I!

Mike: [Stuff] yes, I would!

>Molly's mom: It's a flawless 20 carat diamond! For you ten dollars!
>Molly & Serena: Twenty carats, ten dollars?!

Mike & Crow: Holy [STUFF]!

Tom: (imitating Johnny Five) No [stuff]! Where see [stuff]?

>[The fat lady rushes over and knocks over the girls.]
>Fat lady: They're mine!

Mike: So SING, already!

>Molly: Serena, this is way weird.

Crow: (imitating Serena) No, it's not, Molly. Your mom is always this stupid!

Mike: (imitating Molly) Yeah, Serena, as if!

>Serena: What's up with your mom, Molly? I've never seen her like this before.
>Molly: I don't know, but I'm worried.
>Serena: This is place is totally wacko. Molly, what's going on?

Mike: It is apparent that neither of them know what the [stuff] is going on.

Crow: DiC should change the subject right about now.

>Molly: Where are you going?

Crow: Thank you.

>Serena: I think I'll take a nap before showing my mom my grade.

All: SLEEEEEEEEP!

>Molly: Okay, see ya tomorrow, Serena.

Crow: (singing) The sun will come out, TOMORROW...

>[Serena exits the OSA-P store. She begins to walk down the street.]
>Serena: Oh, no! How can I tell Mom I flunked another test?

Crow: Uh, go up to her and say, "Mom, I flunked another test."

>Serena: How can I show her this thing?

Crow: Uh, go up to her and hand it to her.

>[Serena crumples up the test and tosses it, nailing Darien]

Mike: Good aim!

>Darien: Hey! Watch it, Meatball Head!

Mike: Someone tell me why he calls her Meatball Head.

Crow: Look at her, Mike, very carefully. The two *odangas* at the top of her ponytails have earned her the nickname "Meatball Head," okay?

>Serena: Oh, sorry!

Mike: That's all right.

Crow: She's not talking to you.

Mike: Well then, up your [stuff] too!

>Darien: A thirty! Admirable.

Tom: (still coughing) Yes, a thirty is admirablabablabablababalable.

Mike: Are you sure you're all right, Tom?

Tom: I wish DiC would hurry this first part upppppppp.

>Serena: No!

Mike & Crow: (imitating Marv Albert) YES!

>Darien: Are you stupid or just incredibly lazy?

Mike: (imitating Serena) C! All of the above!

Tom: I think it's just incredibliblabibliblabibaly lazy.

Mike: Dr. F, in the interests of health, could we please cut this short?

Crow: I don't think he's listening to you.

>Serena: Ha! How dare you! Give me that!

Crow: (imitating Darien) Fine. I'll give you some of *that*.

Mike: Crow!

Crow: Uh, oh...

>Serena: (walking away) Ha! The nerve of that guy! What a total jerk, calling me Meatball Head. Still...he sure is cute.

Tom: (Will somebody bring some Vicks 44?), (imitating Serena) Man, I should've taken some of *that*.

Mike: I'm not scolding you because you don't have a head.

>Darien: (voice over) There's something about that girl...

Crow: Diamonds!

Tom: Daisies!

Mike: Snowflakes!

All: That girl!

Crow: Chestnuts!

Tom: Rainbows!

Mike: Springtime!

All: Is that girl!

>[Serena stops in front of Crown Game Center]
>Serena: Oh...the new Sailor V game. Ah.... I wish I could be like Sailor V. She's so beautiful and smart. Something exciting's always happening in her life, not like mine. Who am I kidding? I'll never be like Sailor V, not with grades like this. Mom's going to blow a gasket when she sees this. (Crying) What am I going to do?

Mike: (sniffs) That was beautiful...

>Luna: (behind an ad) I can't believe it. This crybaby, she's the one?

Crow: (imitating Luna) [Stuff] it!

Mike: Come on, guys. I have to replace someone's head.

After replacing Tom's head in a big room with lots of replacement heads, Mike Nelson returned to the bridge.

"Mike," Gypsy informed him, "the mads are calling."

Mike replied, "Do I ever get a minute anymore?"

Dr. Clayton Forrester yelled at him, "I heard that!"

Mike responded, "Hey, sorry, Dr. F. Anyway, are you sending Frank down here?"

Dr. F answered, "Yes, but first tell me how you're handling the DiC dub."

Mike replied, "It's not the best dub, but we're handling it pretty well."

Dr. F asked, "What's that in your hand?" as he pointed to Tom's cracked and smoke black head.

Mike embarrassingly answered, "Er, it's Tom's head."

Dr. F threatened, "Let's hope your head explodes like that one did. Where are Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum?"

Mike answered, "They're in the room, preparing the invention for Frank."

Dr. F said, "I guess Frank is ready. FRANK!!!!"

TV's Frank made his first appearance. "Yeah, boss?"

"You're going down to the Satellite for a while," Dr. Forrester informed him. "Get ready!"

"Sure thing, boss!" Frank acknowledged.

Turning his attention to Mike, Dr. F said, "Keep in mind that the Satellite will blow up if you try to harm Frank or take advantage of this opportunity."

"All set, boss!" Frank informed Dr. Forrester as he stood on the "Star Trek" like beaming platform.

"All right, ENERGIZE!" Dr. F yelled out. Frank dematerialized from the platform and rematerializaed on the bridge of the Satellite.

"Hey, Frank!" Mike greeted when Frank was finished beaming.

"Frank, you'd better give me that report when you get back," Dr. F told Frank just before the telescreen went black.

"Hey, Mike, where's the invention?" Frank asked when the bots came out of a room.

"Over here!" Crow yelled out to Frank. Frank and Mike went directly to the empty room, leaving Frank stupified at what the invention could possibly be.

"This, Frank is a new holocabana," Mike told him.

"Hey! Just like in Megane 6.7's MSTings!" Frank exclaimed with joy.

"Yep," Mike continued. "I call it the Holographic Entertainment Camp Kommandant, or HECK for short."

"He's been watching a lot of Hogan's Heroes lately," Tom Servo explained.

"So how do I get to test it?" Frank asked.

"Easy. Magic?" Mike called.

"Yeah, Mike?" Magic replied.

"Hey! Just like in Megane 6.7's MSTings!" Frank repeated with more joy.

"Could you load a good program for Frank?" Mike asked.

"Sure, how about, 'Sailors in Hawaii?'" Magic recommended.

"Frank, you okay with that?" Mike asked of Frank.

"I guess," Frank responded. "What do I do?"

Crow happily answered, "Anything you want..."

Soon, the walls and ceiling of the room disappeared, and a white sand beach formed beneath Frank, Mike, and the bots. Five recognizable anime characters and two cats could be seen.

"Thanks, guys. You're the best," Frank said to express his gratitude. Mike and the bots left the holocabana and returned to the bridge. Mike noticed that Crow was sobbing.

"Crow, what's wrong," he asked. "Are you upset because you didn't get *that* stuff from the Sailors?"

"That's not it," Crow responded. "I just love bringing a smile to someone."

"That was beautiful, Crow," Tom told him.

Suddenly, alarms rang out and lights flashed.

Mike yelled, "WE'VE GOT DiC DUB SIGN!!!"

Door 6 is made of retired Beanie Babies. You sell each for a huge profit.
Door 5 is made of poison ivy. You scratch you way through it.
Door 4 is made of cotton. You use the cotton gin to pick it all.
Door 3 is made of Q-Tips. You use the cotton gin to bulldoze through.
Door 2 is empty. It was the cotton gin, but you took it. You decide to leave the gin there.
Door 1 is made of rayon. You burn it.
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.

Mike walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Mike takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The dub continues.

>[Serena's house]
>Mom: So how did you do on yesterday's algebra test?

Tom: (imitating Serena) You didn't wake me up on time so I didn't get to study! How do you expect me to get good grades if you don't wake me up on time?

Crow: (imitating Mom) Use the alarm clock!

Tom: (imitating Serena) You don't have to be so mean, Mom...Wahhhhhhhh!!!

>Serena: A test, in algebra?

Mike: That's usually what an algebra test is.

>Mom: You know, the one you were studying for the other night with Melvin. You two were out so late at the library.

Crow: (imitating Serena) We were *studying*?

Tom: That's a new name for *that*!

Mike: Guys...

>Mom: Melvin's mom said he got a 95, and they're very disappointed.

Crow: (imitating Serena) That's because he didn't *study* hard enough.

Mike: Crow...

>Serena: Oh, yeah! That algebra test, well I...

Crow: Had *other things* on my mind.

Mike: Crow...

>Mom: Serena, come on, tell me, how did you do?

Tom: (imitating Serena) I was fine, thank you. How were you?

Crow: (imitating Serena) Ask Melvin, he was the judge.

Mike: Crow...

>Serena: Well, I; see, I; it's like this, I...

Crow: Had *other things* on my mind!

Mike: Crow!

>Mom: Let me see!

Tom: (imitating Serena) [Stuff] no, you sicko!

>Serena: Okay.

Tom: I can't believe Serena's listening to her mom!

Mike: Some children do.

>Mom: Thirty!

Crow: (imitating Serena) Hey! Melvin's a hard judge!

Mike: Crow!

>Mom: You said you studied!

Crow: (imitating Serena) I did *study*!!!

Mike: Crow!!!

>Mom: Do you know what you need to do?
>Serena: No?
>Mom: Go back to the library to study for a make up test!

Crow: (imitating Serena) All right! With pleasure!

Mike: Crow, that's enough!

Crow: Sorry, Mike. I took it one step too far.

>Serena: No, mother! No! Please! It's too late in the afternoon to study! It's time for a break!

Crow: I've been *studying* all day! I'm too tired to *study* anymore!

Mike: What am I going to do with you, Crow?

>[OSA-P Jewelry Store]
>Woman in store: Something's wrong. I feel very strange.

Crow: Did you remember your Ex-Lax?

Mike: Crow...

>Fat lady: Oh, mercy me. I feel as if I'm going to faint.

All: So SING already!

>Molly: Mama, I'm scared. What's happening to all your customers? Mama?

Tom: (imitating Molly's mom) They're all fainting, dear.

>Morga: Hahahaha!
>Molly: Mama?

Mike: Hahahaha!

Tom: Mama?

Mike: Hahahaha!

Tom: Mama?

Mike: Hahahaha!

Tom: Mama?

Mike: Hahahaha!

Tom: Mama?

Crow: (imitating Molly) Mama, are you making me *study* with Serena?

Mike: Hahahaha, huh?

Tom: Ewww, that's sick, Crow.

>Morga: I'm not your mother, Molly dear. Hahahaha!

Tom: Mama!

Crow: (imitating Molly) Are you going to make me *study* or not?

Mike: Crow!!!

>[Serena's room]
>Serena: Studying so hard is very tiring.

Crow: (imitating Molly) I agree, Serena.

Tom: Errrrrrr! That's sick, Crow!

>Serena: All those books, all those words.

Crow: Must of been *studying* in the library.

Mike: Crow!!!

>Serena: It can't be too good for a person.

Crow: (imitating Melvin) To the contrary, my dear Serena. *Studying* can increase *test* *scores* by 69 points.

Tom: Before you make my head explode again...

>Serena: How does Melvin do it?

Mike: Don't even think about that one, Crow...

>Serena: I'm so sleepy, so tired. Sleep.

Crow: She must have been really busy!

Mike: Crow!!!

Crow: What? That was legitimate!

Mike: (groans)

>[Serena falls asleep and Luna enters the room]
>Serena: Huh? You scared me! What are you doing here?

Mike: (imitating Luna) The queen told me to come here!

Tom: No, Mike, no.

>Luna: Why, Serena, I came to see you of course, who else?

Crow: (imitating Serena) But I want Melvin...Wahhhhhhhhhh!!!

>Serena: A talking cat? Oh, man, I have been studying too hard!

Crow: This one's almost too easy.

Tom: If you dare, we'll hunt you down.

Mike: Don't forget, we know where you live.

>Luna: My name is Luna, and I have been searching for you for a very long time.

Tom: I don't want to know why...

Mike: Crow!!!

Crow: What did I do?

>Serena: Aaaaahhh!

Crow: (imitating Serena) Don't touch me there!

Mike: NO! Crow, I've warned you!

Crow: Ah, bite me!

Tom: I wouldn't say that.

>Luna: You are the chosen one,

Crow: (imitating Serena) Oh, wow, who chose *me*?

>Luna: and I have been sent here to guide you on the path to your ultimate destiny. I wasn't sure if you were the one the first time we met. But I've been watching you,

Crow: (imitating Serena) And why not? It is clear that I have the most *talent*.

>Luna: and now I absolutely know that you are the Sailor Scout of the Moon. (giggles)

Crow: (imitating Serena) Awww, is that it?

>Serena: I am hallucinating!
>Luna: No, you're not, Serena. You are Sailor Moon, and your friend Molly's in big trouble. You have got to help her!

Crow: (imitating Serena) What will you give me if I do?

>Luna: You don't believe me? Well, all right, then I'll prove it to you!

Crow: Hey, guys, am I MiSTing this thing by myself? Guys?

>[Luna does that neato flip thing]

Crow: (realizes that Tom and Mike have moved back to the sixth row of the theater)

>Serena: What is that?

Crow: (imitating Luna) You don't want to know...

>Luna: It's a special locket, just for you.

Crow: (imitating Serena) So that's what you call it, and you're giving it to *me*?

>Serena: Wow! For me! It's beautiful!

Crow: (imitating Luna) I'm sooooo glad you like it...

>Serena: (giggles) How should I wear it on my school uniform?

Crow: Now, *THAT* is sick.

Mike: (from across the theater) Just shut up, Crow!

Crow: No!

>Luna: Serena, it's not just a piece of jewelry, listen to me!

Crow: (imitating Serena) I'm aware that it's more than jewelry.

>Luna: Do you hear what I'm saying? Sailor Moon, sworn to defend the princess of the moon. Powerful, evil forces have appeared here on Earth, and that special locket can help you fight them.

Crow: Among other things...

Mike: [STUFF] IT, CROW!!!! SHUT UP!

>Luna: You are Sailor Moon, and you must fight evil when it confronts you. You must not be afraid.

Crow: (imitating Yoda) But you will be, you *WILL* be.

>Serena: You're right! Just like Sailor V!

Crow: So *THAT*'s what she meant when she said something exciting was always happening in her life, unlike hers.

Mike & Tom: ERRRRRRRR!!! [STUFF] IT!!!

Crow: It's just a MSTing. You should really just relax.

>Luna: This is no joke, Serena. Do you hear me? This is your destiny!
>Serena: My destiny! I must be dreaming!
>Luna: It's not a dream. I'll prove it, Serena.

Crow: Please don't.

>Luna: Just repeat after me: Moon Prism Power!

Crow: MOON PRISM POWER!!!

Tom: Crow, nothing happened.

Crow: CROW PRISM POWER, MAKE UP! (Crow gets up, spins around a few times, and sits down. The initials MST are written in large print on his chest.)

Mike: Oh, no. It's Super Sailor Crow!

Sailor Crow: I am Sailor Crow, the champion of justice! I will MiST bad [stuff] and triumph over evil, and that means YOU!!!

Tom: We're the evil ones?

>Serena: Okay. MOON PRISM POWER! [transformation]
>Sailor Moon: Aah! What happened? This dream is getting weirder and weirder! I'll never study so hard again!

Sailor Crow: Awww, why not, Sailor Moon?

>Moon: I want to play Sailor V video games, not live them!

Sailor Crow: I'd rather play *and* live Sailor V *games*...

Mike: Sailor Crow...

Sailor Crow: Silence, Sailor Moon dubbie...

>[Sailor Moon hears Molly call for help]
>Molly: Help me! Please help me! Somebody, please help me! Aaaaaahhh!

Sailor Crow: Don't worry, Molly! If you just shut up, Sailor Crow will save you!

Tom: Can't you save it for the break?

Sailor Crow: Quiet! Now you two will come down here and MiST this dub!

Mike: Sir, yes, sir!

(Mike and Tom get up and take their original seats.)

>Moon: That's Molly!

All: No!

>Luna: That's right! She's in big trouble.

Tom: (imitating Luna) Didn't I already say that?

>Moon: Yeah, but what can I do to help? You keep forgetting that I'm just a kid.

Mike: (imitating Luna) No, this is the first time.

>Luna: You are Sailor Moon. You will know what to do when you look into your heart. Believe in yourself.

Sailor Crow: Just remember, anger, fear, aggresion, the Dark Side are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight...

>[OSA-P Jewelry Store]
>Molly: Somebody, please help me!

Tom: Come on, Sailor Crow, just help the [stuff] girl.

>Morga: There's no one to help you now, little girl!

Mike: Oh, yes there is!

>Molly: Help me!

All: ALL RIGHT ALREADY!!!

>Morga: Hahahaha! Soon you and your kind will cease to exist! Once Queen Beryl unleashes the Negaforce, she will destroy you all.

Sailor Crow: We're up to 13, Tom.

Tom: That's it! SERVO STAR POWER, MAKE UP! (Tom gets up, spins around a few times, and sits down. The initials MST are written in large print sideways on his neck.)

Mike: Not you too!

Sailor Servo: I am Sailor Servo, the champion of justice! I will MiST bad [stuff] and triumph over evil, and that means YOU!

>Moon: Let her go!
>Morga: What's that?

Mike: SHE SAID LET HER GO!

>Moon: I said, "Let her go!"

Mike: I need a vacation; the holocabana's mine when we get out of here!

Sailors Crow and Servo: Not if we get there first!

Mike: This MSTing is really starting to sound like a DiC dub.

>Morga: And who are you?
>Moon: Uh, uh, well, my name's, uh...I am Sailor Moon, the champion of justice, and I say, on behalf of the moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means YOU!

Sailors Crow and Servo: On behalf of the S.O.L. and all decency, we will punish you!

Mike: Thank God we're not MiSTing DBZ...

>Morga: Sailor Moon, never heard of you, and I'm sure I never will again. Arise, my children, and serve the great power that is the Negaverse!

Mike: With 200 episodes, three movies, numerous specials, dubs in every language, and a lot of Ban Dai and Irwin [stuff], my [stuff] you'll never hear of Sailor Moon ever again!

Sailor Servo: Have you ever heard of Sailor Servo?

Sailor Crow: Mike, you forgot the live action feature!

Mike: Oh, bite me!

Sailor Crow: The Sailor Bots do not bite! We kick, punish, and attack, but never bite!

Mike: Do you *study*?

Sailor Servo: Mike...

>[All of the customers rise up like zombies, including the fat lady.]
>Moon: Luna, help me, I don't know what to do!

Mike: (imitating Luna) Just feel the Force, Sailor Moon. Use the Force to kick some [stuff].

>[The fat lady attacks Sailor Moon. Others follow.]

All: SO SING ALREADY!

>Moon: Ow! That hurts! I don't want to do this any more!

Mike: Nor do I! Now I know why Joel quit!

>Luna: Sailor Moon, what are you doing?

Sailor Crow: Uh, just fooling around, heh, heh...

Mike: Crow...

Sailor Crow: That's Sailor Crow to you, inferior being!

>Luna: You must fight this evil monster, or the whole universe will cease to exist!

Sailor Servo: (imitating Molly) Uh, HELP ME!

>Morga: Hahahaha!

Mike: Mama!

Sailor Servo: Let's go, Sailor Crow!

Sailor Crow: Okay, Sailor Servo!

Mike, relieved that he had a break from the craziness in the theater, found that the craziness did not end. Sailors Crow and Servo followed him as he entered the HECK.

"Magic," he asked, "what's wrong with Frank?"

"Well," she replied, "he had a little accident...with ice cream."

"Let's hope Dr. F doesn't come-a-callin'."

"Magic," Sailor Crow asked, "can you bring up a fighting program? Sailor Servo and I would like to have a deathmatch before we have another DiC dub sign.

"Sure thing," Magic acknowledged. Mike dragged Frank out of the room when the walls disappeared and the setting changed to a trashed up alley.

HOLOCABANA (HECK)

"Ready," Magic yelled. "FIGHT!"

Sailor Servo attacked first. He cried out, "Servo Bubble Head attack!" and his head popped off, allowing flames to shoot out and burn Sailor Crow.

"Twelve-point damage!" Magic informed them.

Sailor Crow countered by pointing at Sailor Servo and yelling, "Crow Transport!" Sailor Crow dematerialized and unexpectedly rematerialized behind Sailor Servo. Sailor Crow wacked him upside the head, dealing fifteen points of damage.

Sailor Servo tried his Servo Stampeding Kangaroo attack. He shot toward Sailor Crow at an extreme velocity and pounced on top of him, making Sailor Crow rather dizzy.

"Sixteen points of damage!" Magic told them.

Sailor Crow took a gamble by crying out, "KAOKAN!" This would cost him five points, but would double his damage dealt. Then he screamed, "Crow Electric Buzzsaw!" A huge chainsaw materialized into his hands, and with it Sailor Crow started attacking Sailor Servo.

"Ten points of damage, doubled!"

Sailor Servo had fifteen units of health remaining, and Sailor Crow had seventeen. In desperation, Sailor Servo yelled out, "KAOKAN!" to double damage. He then tried the Servo Iceberg Storm. A lot of ice came from Sailor Servo's two hands, and Sailor Crow got hit by some of it.

"Eight points, doubled!"

Sailor Crow had no choice and decided to go to his desperation move. He got down on all fours and meowed loudly. When Sailor Servo looked at him in a confused state, he found out too late that Sailor Crow had gone into the Cat-Fist.

"Five points, doubled!"

Sailor Servo turned back into Tom, and Sailor Crow turned back into Crow.

"Sailor Crow wins!"

"You used the Cat-Fist!" Tom yelled at Crow, complaining about the dirty trick.

"So bite me!" Crow replied.

SATELLITE OF LOVE: BRIDGE

Mike Nelson was alone, except for the fact that Frank was asleep by on table. He was pretty peeeved off at Dr. F, who sent him a DiC dub and made ice cream evil, at Crow, who made really nasty riffs and transformed into Sailor Crow, and at Tom, who had transformed into Sailor Servo and whose head exploded.

"Life really sucks," Mike mumbled to himself, over and over. Ocassionally, he said, "It really sucks to be me."

Unbeknownst to Mike, Magic Voice had overheard him and wanted to comfort him. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time, because the bots made their way to the bridge just in time for the sirens to go off and for the lights to flash.

"Joy," Mike said. "We've got DiC dub sign."

Door 6 is made of Pillow Pals. You just kick them aside.
Door 5 is made of Prozac. You take one for Mike and kick the rest aside.
Door 4 is made of Viagra. You take one for Crow and kick the rest aside.
Door 3 is made of generic cotton swabs. You kick those aside, too.
Door 2 is made of Post-its. You stash a couple and wonder where the gin went.
Door 1 is made of some sort of fabric. You burn it and kick it aside.
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.

Mike walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Mike takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The dub continues.

Tom: Mike, were you the one that kicked me aside?

>Morga: Hahahaha!
>Moon: I don't want to play this game any more!

Crow: Awww, why not? I do!

Mike: Crow...

>Moon: (crying) I want to go...

Crow and Tom: *STUDY*!

Mike: Guys!

>Moon: ...home!
>Morga: Fine, I'll send you away for good!

Mike: To the convent?

Tom: To the asylum?

Crow: To the library?

Mike: ERRRRRRRRR!!!!

>[Morga attacks Sailor Moon.]

All: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

>[Her arm stretches amazingly.]

Crow: Apparently she wants something...

Mike: ...

>[Sailor Moon shrieks and a red rose appears.]

Mike: (A red rose materializes into his hand. Mike stands up, spins around a few times, and sits down. He is now wearing a tuxedo, with the initials MST written sideways in large print on his pant leg.) I am Tuxedo Mike!

Crow: (groans)

>Morga: Now who might you be?

Tuxedo Mike: I told you! I am Tuxedo Mike!

Tom: [Stuff] it, Mike. Just sit down and enjoy the dub.

Tuxedo Mike: No! It is my duty to actually make the script entertaining!

Crow: Does this mean I get to add more jokes?

>Tuxedo Mask: I am Tuxedo Mask. Sailor Moon, look into your heart...

Tom: (imitating Moon) Luna already told me that!

>Tux Mask: ...and find the warrior within you.

Tom: (imitating Yoda) Wars not make one great!

>Tux Mask: It is your destiny!

All: (imitating Moon) Luna already told me that!

>Moon: But I don't want to be a warrior.

Tuxedo Mike: (imitating Moon) Yes, the Golden State Warriors *suck*. I'd rather be a Laker, or a Celtic, or a 76er...

Crow: (imitating Moon) Or an exotic dancer...

Tom: Crow!

Crow: Hey, Tuxedo Mike is supposed to yell at me.

Tuxedo Mike: Or a Piston, or a Maverick, or a Hornet, or a Knick, or a Clipper...

Crow: Apparently, he has *other things* on his mind...

>[Sailor Moon continues to cry. The customers faint once more.]

Tom: Hey, there's Frank!

Crow: Whoa, where?

>Morga: Stop that hideous crying!

Tuxedo Mike: Yes, all anime characters cry hideously.

Crow: And *please* thoroughly...

>Luna: Sailor Moon, quickly, throw your tiara and then say Moon Tiara Magic!

Tom: What the [stuff] is that going to do?

>Moon: What for, Luna? What good is that going to do?

Tom: Hey, it was close...

>Luna: Just do it!

All: NIKE! NIKE! NIKE!

>Moon: MOON TIARA MAGIC!
>Morga: Noooooooooooo!

Crow: (imitating Morga) Don't do that!

Tuxedo Mike: Crow...

Crow: What did I do this time?

>Moon: I did that!

Crow: Yes, you did *THAT*, even when I told you not to!

Tuxedo Mike: ...

>Morga: I shall return!

Tom: No, you shan't, you youma!

>[Morga is now a pile of dust]

Tuxedo Mike: This looks like a job for Hoover Steam Vac Plus!

>Jedite: What? The energy! Someone will pay dearly for this...

Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes, they will *PAY*, they will *PAY*!

Tom: How did Jedite get here?

>Tux Mask: You have done well, and...

Crow: (imitating Tux Mask) As your reward I will...

Tuxedo Mike: Aw, Crow, it's almost over. Just save it for the holocabana.

>Tux Mask: ...now, Molly's mother and all the other women are free.

Crow: (imitating fat lady) I'm a woman?

Tom: Hey, Mike, did you notice that we haven't seen Molly's mother yet?

Tuxedo Mike: Hey, you're right! We just now what she looks like.

>Tux Mask: Others will test you.

Crow: (imitating Moon) And I will not fail the *TESTS*...

>Tux Mask: Do not be afraid. I will fight with you.
>Luna: Are you all right, Sailor Moon? Speak to me!

Tom: [Stuff] no, Luna! Not after all this [stuff] you've put me through...

>Moon: What a hunky guy!

Crow: (imitating fat lady) Why, thank you for noticing. You know, I work out...

>[Serena's class]
>Molly: Serena, you're not gona believe this, but my mom and I...

Crow: (imitating Molly) Decided that we should *study* with other people for now on...

Tom: It's over, Crow. The joke's long since dead.

Crow: Aw, bite me.

>Molly: ...had the strangest dream last night, that we were attacked by this hideous monster and then this beautiful warrior named Sailor Moon saved us.

Crow: (imitating Serena) Did she turn you on?

>Unnamed girl #1: What? Are you kidding?

Crow: (imitating Unnamed girl #1) She turned me on too!

Tuxedo Mike: You're going to pay, Crow.

>Unnamed girl #1: I had the same dream!
>Unnamed girl #2: Yeah, me too!

Crow: To all readers: Because Tuxedo Mike is really peeved off right now, I will not make any more riffs.

Tuxedo Mike: Thank you, Crow.

>Molly: That's weird, very weird. Serena, isn't that the weirdest? Serena?

Tom: Are you trying to tell her that she's weird?

>Serena: Hey, guys, could you please keep it down?

Tom: Yeah, she's still recovering from her hangover...

>Serena: I was up late last night,

Tom: What was she *doing*, Crow?

Crow: Bite me!

>Serena: and I just need a little more sleep. (yawns) Good night!

Tuxedo Mike: IT'S OVER!

>SAILOR SAYS

Tom: Oh, help us all...

>Moon: Sometimes, the hardest thing in the world is believing in yourself, especially when your grades are less than stellar, or your kind of clumsy, but you never know what the real you-can-do. Set your mind and heart on it, and anything is possible. HEHEHEHE! Bye, now!

Tuxedo Mike: To the holocabana!

It was silent. It was empty. A dark alley near the corner of Wesson and James contained no action on that Sunday evening. But Sunday night was a different story.

Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy, Cambot, and Mike walked into the alley. To their surprise, a dark figure approached them.

"Give me the fansubs!" he said in a low, evil tone.

"Never!" Mike refused. "We'll never give in to you!"

"Well, then, you will suffer the wrath of Clayton Forrester! BWAHAHAHA!"

"That's it," Crow shouted. "CROW PRISM POWER!"

Tom followed, "SERVO STAR POWER!"

"GYPSY CRYSTAL POWER!"

"CAMBOT COSMIC POWER!"

"MAGIC VOICE ETERNAL!"

"MAKE UP!"

Crow, Tom, Gypsy, Cambot, and Mike all span around a few times. The initials MST were vividly seen on Crow's chest, Tom's neck, Gypsy's forehead, Cambot's back, and Mike's pantleg.

"I am Sailor Crow!"

"I am Sailor Servo!"

"I am Sailor Gypsy!

"I am Sailor Cambot!"

"I am Eternal Sailor Magic Voice!"

"I am Tuxedo Mike!"

"We are the champions of justice," they all spoke. "On behalf of the S.O.L. and all decency, we will punish you! We will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means YOU!"

When they finished their famous speech, they all shouted, "KAOKAN!" and powered up. Crow used his buzzsaw to eat away Dr. F's flesh, but the scientist didn't lose any blood or feel any pain.

"Ha! Sailor Crow, you foolish Sailor Bot! Take this!"

Dr. F shot millions of gigavolts of electricity shoot through his hands. The electricity caused Sailor Crow and Tuxedo Mike to fall helplessly to the ground. Neither of them could move, but both were still conscious.

Sailor Gypsy tried her luck. She yelled out, "GYPSY MUSHROOMS BLAST!" Millions of tiny mushrooms hit Dr. F, but they did no harm. Dr. F wacked Gypsy on the head, temporarily paralyzing her.

Sailor Servo tried his Servo Stampeding Kangaroo attack, but to no avail. Dr. F simply kicked him.

Eternal Sailor Magic Voice exploited her powers by shouting, "MAGIC VOICE MOZART!" Mozart blared around the alley, but Dr. F could care less. Two earplugs materialized into his ears, and the music did more harm to Sailor Cambot, than to Dr. F.

Dr. F was going to burn them all. When all seemed hopeless, a red rose stuck into the trashed up ground. Weird background music played and a shadowy figure with a cape appeared.

"I am," the figure said, "Tuxedo Frank!"

Tuxedo Frank lifted his hands into the air and yelled, "Ka-me-ah-me-ah! Times fifty!" A huge ball of energy appeared in his hands, and Tuxedo Frank threw it at Dr. F. The mad scientist suffered the cruel destruction that he had hoped would be Mike's destiny.

The MST3K cast transformed back into their civilian identities. The setting faded away, and the walls of the HECK appeared.

"Hey, guys," Frank suggested, "do you want to do that again?"

THE END, FOR NOW

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Special Thanks to: Anybody who reads this thing. If you really read it, thank you!

"Studying so hard is very tiring. All those books, all those words. It can't be too good for a person. How does Melvin do it?"

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