"Mystery Science Theater 3000: DiC Dubbed Sailor Moon"
All the entertainment's there; we just brought it out.
Send any comments and criticism to cchua@sdcoe.k12.ca.us
If you are under 18, this fanfic is suitable material for you. There is none of THAT stuff.
"Sailor Moon" and all related stuff are copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all companies involved with her work.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc.
Any mentions of copyrighted names and other stuff are copyrighted by their respective copyright holders.
All copyrighted names and other stuff are used without permission. Because this is not for profit, I don't think I'm violating any copyright laws.
This incredibly great work of literature and creativity is solely intended for the purpose of entertainment and is NOT to be sold under any circumstance whatsoever. If you are caught selling this, you will be court-martialed, shot, sent to the Russian Front, dunked in the Cursed Spring of Drowned Fish, shown the DiC version of "Sailor Moon" over and over again, encased in carbonite, fed to the almighty Sarlacc, bitten by Mike Tyson, required to do the Macarena, forced to watch every frame of footage from the O.J. Simpson trial with Mike and the bots, and forced to read this MiSTing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Anchorhead Presentation
http://www.oocities.org/Area51/Hollow/5090/
GET READY!
[The Love Theme from MST3K:DiC]
In the not-too-distant future,
Next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Mike,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked for a bunch of anti-moonies,
Just another band of N'Sync loonies.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him,
So they shot him into space.
Mike: Not again!
They'll send him cheesy DiC dubs,
Worse than DBZ. (La-la-la)
Will Mike ever lose his sanity?
We'll just have to wait and see. (La-la-la)
Keep in mind Mike can't control,
Where the DiC dubs begin or end. (La-la-la)
He'll try to put up with all that [stuff],
With the help of his robot friends.
Robot Roll Call!
Cambot: Zoom out!
Gypsy: Buy fansubs!
Tom Servo: Rock on!
Croooow: Hail DiC!
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts (La-la-la)
Then remember, it's just a MSTing,
You should really just relax.
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!
(((In Stereo Where Available)))
EPISODE 3
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Mike and Servo were having a tea party on the bridge. Gypsy was somewhere on the ship. Crow was doing something. After several attempts to fix the 'out of order' hologameroom, Mike and the bots were taking a well deserved break. Crow ran onto the bridge.
"Don't run inside!" Mike scolded.
"Bite me!" Crow countered.
"What's up?" Tom asked.
"Up yours!" Crow insulted.
"The [stuff] did I do?" Tom asked.
"I'm bored," Mike said.
Gypsy came in.
"Hey, guys!" she greeted. "Let's do something."
Crow suggested, "Hey, let me guess your weight, Gyps."
Gypsy complied, and Tom got the scale. Crow wrote something on a pad of paper. The scale read, 34.3 lbs.
Crow celebrated, "Hot [stuff]! I am [stuff]ing good!" He revealed his prediction, and it read 34.3 lbs.
Tom said, "Crow, I bet you can't guess my weight."
Crow replied, "Ten that it's 16.7 lbs."
Tom said, "Fifteen that it's 16.8 lbs."
Servo stepped on the scale. It read, 16.749999999999999999999999999999999999999999999.
"Round down," Mike said.
After Tom paid him the fifteen, Mike asked if Crow could guess his height. Crow wrote, 188, on his paper. When Mike stepped on the scale, it read, 881.
"[Stuff] yeah! I'm good!" Crow boasted after turning the paper upside-down.
"I'M OVERWEIGHT!" Mike cried out. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Don't worry, Mike," Tom reassured. "I rigged it."
Mike stepped on a different scale. Apparently he wasn't pleased with that result, either.
"Wahhhhhhhh! I gained half a pound!"
"Uh, guys, the Mads are calling," Magic Voice informed Mike and the bots. "By the way, why does this host segment sound DiC dubbed?"
DEEP 13
Frank had to do the invention exchange by himself this week. Due to a freak accident in the germ lab, Dr. F was taking a break.
"Okay, Nelson, hurry this up," Frank commanded. "I don't want to miss F-Troop again."
"Sure thing, Frank," Mike complied. He revealed his invention.
"The [stuff]?!?" Crow commented.
"What is THAT!?" Frank asked.
"The Alcoholic Beverage Consuming Driver Examinator; ABCDE for short," Mike answered.
"Cute acronym, Mike," Tom complimented.
"Thank you, Servo," Mike replied. "Anyway, it is an enhanced form of the DUI measure machine, where the drunk has to suck the thingy..."
"We don't need YOUR shrewd comments, Mike," Crow remarked.
"Bite me!" Mike countered.
"Again, I say, we don't need your comments..."
"HURRY IT UP! F-TROOP'S STARTING SOON!" Frank was annoyed.
"Well, the ABCDE not only has apparatus for measuring alcohol. It can also measure blood levels of nicotine, marijuana, cocaine, speed, LSD, heroin, etc."
"That's the perfect invention, Mike," Tom commented.
"Yeah, too bad this is just a MSTing," Crow added.
"I have one question," Frank said. "How did you make it work?"
"Easy," Mike answered. "I simply analyzed the chemical structure of each of the said drugs and entered them electronically in to the ABCDE's computer."
"But how did you get the drugs, legally?" Frank asked.
"Yeah, Mike," the bots added.
"Well," Mike began, "remember when Cambot stabbed DudeDude2 with that pretzel? The pretzel had traces of it all."
Crow warned, "Readers, DudeDude2 does not do drugs. Drugs are evil and will kill you. Anchorhead just added that to give DudeDude2 a laugh. He is very easily amused. He also has the tendency to kill everyone's jokes. So Tom and I must keep watch night after night, day after day, to make sure DudeDude2 never ends up on the SOL. Otherwise, this MSTing would go straight to the shredder, and he'd laugh at the GeoGuide. Then, we'd start MSTing other [stuff] like F-Troop..."
Frank said, "BITE ME, CROW! Die hard F-Troop fans! We must unite! Like anime, F-Troop will be overwhelmingly popular throughout the galaxy. We must defend our F-Troopers and what they must defend. We will right wrongs and triumph over evil. We will never be seduced by the Dark Side. We will fight to the end to get F-Troop on every television screen in America. We will rise up, my brothers, and spread the goodness that is F-Troop!"
"Okay, guys," Mike said. "What's Dr. F's invention?"
"The invention is named Anti-Tab," Frank replied. "It destroys any Tab within a hundred-yard radius."
"Hey!" Crow rejoiced. "That could come in handy some day."
"Don't get too excited," Frank warned. "Dr. F designed it to turn everything that's not Tab into Tab, except the ground, the ceiling, and any walls."
Crow was no longer happy. Suddenly, red lights flashed and sirens rang out.
"OH," Mike yelled out. "WE'VE GOT..."
"...F-TROOP SIGN!" Frank completed. "Gotta book it!"
Frank retired to the entertainment lab.
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Mike and the bots awaited the dreaded DiC dub sign. They wondered if they would have to watch another DiC dub.
"[Stuff] it, Mike," Crow anguished. "Dr. F's going to turn everything into Tab!"
"Hey, don't worry, Crow," Mike assured. "I saw an Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Tab setting on the thing. Getting to it won't be easy..."
Suddenly, red lights flashed and sirens rang out.
"OH," Mike yelled out, "WE'VE GOT DiC DUB SIGN!"
Door 6 is a phone. You dial 1-800-99-JENNY.
Door 5 is a phone. You dial 1-800-ABCDEFG
Door 4 is a phone. You dial 1-800-441-2400.
Door 3 is a phone. You dial 1-800-US-SEARCH. That's 1-800-US-SEARCH.
Door 2 is a phone. You dial 1-202-456-1414.
Door 1 is a phone. You dial 1-888-[STUFF]-ME. (1-888-788-3363 [That's probably a real number.])
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.
Mike walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Mike takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The title screen appears.
Mike: (singing) One-eight hundred-ASK-USPS!
Crow: Ten-ten-345; you could win a prize!
>"Slim City"
Crow: Well, I live in Regular City...
Mike: I live in Husky City...
Tom: And I come from a small town! Oh!
Crow: You killed it, just like DudeDude2!
Mike: Who the [stuff] is DudeDude2?!
>[Bathroom, Serena steps out of the tub.]
Tom: AAAAAAAAH! Ecchi!
Crow: Get the towel on before Mike starts drooling!
Mike: (drooling) I want to...
Crow: Mike?
Mike: (drooling) ..eat some...
Tom: Mike?!
Mike: (drooling) ...steak.
Crow: [Stuff]! I was going to Mike... him.
>Serena: Okay.
Tom: DiC line.
>Serena: Time to weigh in!
Mike: Move the weight down and up and left, no, right, let me see, diagonally northwest, oh, wait a minute, this thing says I'm 600 kilograms!
>[Serena steps on scale and screams.]
Tom: AAAAAAAAH!
Mike: Aaaaaaahh!
Crow: Aaah!
Mike: Crow...
>Serena: Aaaaahhh!
Mike: Hey, I was closest...
>[Dad, Mom, and Sammy walk in.]
Mike: (imitating Dad) I have to shave!
Tom: (imitating Mom) I have to wash my hair!
Crow: (imitating Sammy) I have to, er, do, uh, [stuff]!
Mike: Crow...
>[Luna is stretching on the roof.]
Tom: And she's scratching her back on the chimney.
Crow: And other [stuff] I can't mention on a Geocities site.
Mike: Crow...
>Serena: (crying) I'm a total fatso!
Mike: Oh, no...
Crow: Serena's the fat lady! No wonder all the girls are drawn to her!
Mike: There had better be no more magic marker jokes...
>[Kitchen]
>Dad: Serena, don't be ridiculous!
Tom: RIH, DIH, COOL, UHS?
>Dad: You are not overweight!
Mike: OH, VHER, WATE?
>Dad: You can't skip meals!
Crow: (imitating Serena) I did, didn't I?!
Mike: (imitating Mom) Don't backsass your father!
Crow: (imitating Serena) You can't punish me! This is DiC!
Mike: (slaps Crow)
Tom: ABUSE! You animal! (kicks Mike)
>Mom: It's bad for you!
All: *It* is from the Negaverse!
Crow: Okay, let's play Twenty Questions.
Mike: What is *it*?
Crow: That's not a yes-or-no question.
Mike: So bite me.
Tom: Is *it* bigger than a breadbox?
Crow: Search me. I don't what *it* is either.
Mike: *It*'s EEEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!
Tom: Then *it*'s Leonardo DiCaprio!
Crow: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Mike: Now I know where DiC comes from.
>Sammy: It's just half a pound!
Mike: Hey, fifty sterlings is a lot of cash!
>Sammy: So what's the big deal?
Tom: (imitating Monty Hall) You can take the trip to Athens and $1000 cash, or what's behind Door #1!
Crow and Mike: Take the door! Take the door!
>Dad: Half a pound?
Crow: (imitating Dad) For an eight ounce Sharpie? Your prices are outrageous!
Mike: Crow...
>Dad: That's it?
Crow: What's *it*? Where?
>Dad: That's the big crisis?
Tom: Okay. If that is *it* and that is the big crisis, then *it* is the big crisis!
Mike: And *it*'s from the Negaverse.
>Mom: That's nothing, sweetheart.
Crow: So that is *it* and that is the big crisis and that's nothing, so *it* is the big crisis, *it* is nothing, and the big crisis is nothing...
Mike: And *it*'s from the Negaverse!
Tom: Don't you think Mom with Molly's accent saying that line sounds like Humphrey Bogart? Guys?
>Mom: You'll work it right off!
Tom: I'm really confused. *It* is that is the big crisis is nothing is Mom with Molly's accent and it needs to be worked off...
Mike: And *it*'s from the Negaverse!!!
Crow: Sounds like Leo to me!
>Dad, Mom, and Sammy: On your hundred yard jog to school!
Crow: Tom Servo...with the play-by-play!
Tom: INTERCEPTION! Tsukino breaks a tackle, breaks another, another! She's at the five, the 10, the 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 45, 40, 35, 30, 25, 20, 15, 10, 5! She shoots! It's saved... Kino punts it out of the box! And, ouch! Hino puts a huge check on Aino! Mizuno has it and, ooh, what a hit. But it's loose! Tenoh drives down the lane and shoots... And Chiba hits it long to deep right center! Tomoe's going back...
Mike: Golf can get pretty hectic sometimes...
>Serena: You don't care, none of you! [Serena begins crying again.]
Crow: None of us don't care? Never would none of no one not let nobody not say double negatives!
>[Serena's room]
Crow: (imitating marker maker) Why is this so familiar?!?!?!
Mike: Crow...
>Luna: Serena, are you still upset about...
Crow: Today, or tomorrow, or the night before...
Mike: Crow...
Tom: A whole lot of hookers came knocking at my door!
Mike: Doh!
>Luna: ...that half pound you gained?
Tom: What's the problem? Her British stocks went up, right?
Crow: Something came up...
Mike: Crow...
Crow: What?
>Serena: (affirmatively) Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) That's the way...
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) ...I like it!
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) That's the way...
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) ...I like it!
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Tom: (making sound effects) Doo-doo-dooooo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doooooooo...
>Luna: So now you're going on a strict diet?
Tom: (imitating Serena) No, Luna! I'm going to gain 300 more kilograms and sing so this DiC dub can end!!!
Crow: Or she can go on that strict diet and do the fa...
Mike: Crow...
Crow: Fat lady.
Mike: Crow!
Crow: The smaller magic markers...
Mike: ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
>Serena: (affirmatively) Mm, hmm.
Crow: Campbell's magic markers are mm, hmm good!
Mike: Crow!!!
>Serena: What're you doing?
Tom: ARTEMIS!
Mike: Tom...
>Luna: (holding up drawing of chubby Sailor Moon) Drawing my favorite hero...
Tom: The word 'hero' implies that it's a guy, right?
Crow: That's a DiC screw up or fat ladies are cross-dressing guys...
Mike: Come on, Crow...
Tom: I know! They should have instead used hoagie, grinder, or submarine sandwich to avoid confusion!
Mike: Cute, Tom.
Tom: Thank you.
>Serena: Ooooooh!
Crow: (imitating Serena) That *hero* looks delicious!
Mike: (sobbing) No! Not again!
>[Negaverse]
Tom: I see *it*! I see *it*
>Beryl: Jedite, what news?
Crow: What news?
Tom: What ups, G?
>Jedite: Very good news, my queen.
Tom: Okay. They said 'queen' again. If they say it four times this epsiode, my head will explode.
>Beryl: Yes, I must commend your efforts.
Crow: Say, who's hair looks more like Leo's? Haruka's or Jadeite's?
Tom: It's gotta be Jedite's because...
Mike: *IT*'S FROM THE NEGAVERSE!!!!
>Jedite: Thanks, Queen Beryl.
Tom: No!
Crow: (imitating Beryl) And Jedite, you will say "Thank you" to me. Not just "Thanks."
>Jedite: I am only following your plan.
Mike: Geez. Beryl's plan sucks!
>Jedite: You have tapped a bottomless resource.
All: The spleen!
Mike: Beryl's Monsters of the Day are going around taking expended energy, when they could be tearing out people's spleens. DiC must have cut something...
>Beryl: I know.
Tom: Hey! DiC stole that off The Empire Strikes Back.
Crow: Stupid biters!
>Beryl: The humans are so vain.
Crow: She dissed you, Mike! She dissed you bad!
Mike: No, Beryl! We humans are so very artery!
Tom: That was a bad pun, Mike.
Crow: If you're going to make stupid jokes, make them funny.
>Jedite: They are.
Mike: No, we're not.
Crow & Tom: Yes, you are!
Mike: Bite me.
Crow: Take a chunk of *hero*.
Mike: ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
>Jedite: They spend an absurd amount of energy on crazy diets and fanatic activity they call fitness.
Mike: Maybe I should start working out. I'm gaining a little mass.
Crow: Yeah, Mike. Your *heroes* are getting too big.
Mike: Crow...
Tom: That last line had no transitions.
Crow: And?
Tom: Something DiC screwed.
Crow: Tom, DiC screwed almost everything.
>[Outside shool]
>Molly: No way!
All: Yes waaaaiiiiiy!
>Molly: Your parents let you diet?!
Crow: This is diet?
Tom: (singing) Uh, huh! You got the right one, baby!
Mike: Two 'Uh, huh' songs in 15 pages. Freaky.
>Serena: Well, uh...
All: Uh, huh! Uh, huh!
>Chubby Girl: My mother said girls our age should never diet.
Crow: You know, I bet her mother's the fat lady!
Tom: (imitating fat lady) DAUGHTER! Girls your age should all have magic markers!
Mike: ERRRRRRRR!!!!
>Molly, Serena, Brandy: But we're fourteen!
Tom: For some reason I count three.
Crow: I count four.
Tom: Did you include son of a [stuff], er, daughter of the fat lady?
Crow: Of course.
Tom: Well, counting him, uh, her, I count four.
Crow: Okay.
Mike: And who the [stuff] is Brandy? And, by the way, who the [stuff] is DudeDude2?
Tom: I think Brandy is the one with the hairdo like Nabiki's.
>Brandy: You're gonna start a heavy duty diet?
Tom: (imitating Serena) Oh, for sure! I'll stuff the liposuction tube into my gut and let it drain...
Crow: (imitating Molly) Oh, can I [stuff] it up the fat lady's [stuff] and let it pump?
Mike: Crow...
>Brandy: All right! Me too!
Tom: (imitating Molly) I think you should stop drinkin' so much before you stop eatin'.
Mike: (imitating Serena) Geesh, we're only fourteen!
Crow: (imitating Chubby Girl) Besides, you're named after an alcoholic beverage...
>Molly: So you're going to totally quit eating?
Mike: HEY! DiC shouldn't be supporting anorexia nervosa and binge-purge diets! When they should be doing something, they don't. When they shouldn't be doing something, they do. When we yell at them, they ignore us.
Crow: Face it, Mike. That's why Dr. F is showing this [stuff].
>Brandy: Sure.
Tom: Oh, [stuff] you stink like [stuff], Crow! Did you remember your Sure?
Crow: I'm sure I remembered. I'm also sure it's Mike that forgot his Sure.
Mike: Up yours, Crow!
Crow: Bite me!
Mike: Are you sure?
>Chubby: That's really bad for you!
Tom: Well, kiss my *hero*. And that's really bad for you because that's *it* and...
Mike: *It*'s from the Negaverse!
>Chubby: If you wanna lose weight,
Mike: You gotta eat right and exercise.
Tom: (imitating health freak) I eat a healthy *hero* every day!
Mike: Tom...
Crow: (imitating Serena) I can benchpress the fat lady!
Mike: Crow!
>Chubby: cut the junk.
Tom: Is junk cuttable?
Mike: What are your definitions for 'junk'? Coca-Cola, pizza, ice cream...
Crow: *Hero* sandwiches...
Mike: Crow....
>Chubby: All those ice cream sundaes...
Crow: Cherry on top...
Tom: How many boyfriends does Mike got?!
Mike: HEY!
Crow: 1!
Tom: 2!
Crow: 3!
Mike: Stop!
Tom: 4!
Crow: 5!
Mike: Shut up!
Tom: 6!
Crow: 7!
Tom: 8!
Mike: No!
Crow: 9!
Tom: 10!
Mike: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SHUT UP, YOU [STUFF]ING [STUFF] [STUFF]ERS OF [STUFF] WITH [STUFF] AND [STUFF] ON [STUFF] IN [STUFF] THAT [STUFF] TO [STUFF] MY [STUFF] OR [STUFF] THE [STUFF] BUT [STUFF] A [STUFF] FOR [STUFF] IS [STUFF] WAS [STUFF] NEITHER [STUFF] NOR [STUFF] WILL [STUFF] THIS [STUFF] YET [STUFF] CAN [STUFF] OFF [STUFF] OUT [STUFF] NOTWITHSTANDING [STUFF]!
Crow: Bite me.
>Chubby: ...and potato...
Tom: (imitating Vice President Quayle) P-O-T-A-T-O-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
>Chubby: ...chips...
Mike: (singing) I WANT PRINGLES!
Tom: (singing) I WANT PRINGLES!
Crow: I want Pringles to go with my *hero*!
Mike: I...uh...Crow...
Tom: (singing) I WANT PRINGLES!
>Chubby: ...and root beer floats.
Tom: Crow, can you turn off the theater gravity?
Crow: (going to back of theater) Maybe...
Mike: Be careful, guys...
Crow: (ripping out one of the theater chairs) We will...
Mike: Crow?
Tom: (hovers to vending machine and selects A&W)
Mike: Servo?
Crow: (smashes chair into gravitational mechanism)
Mike: (floating in air) The [stuff]!
Tom: (using special hand attachment to pop the can)
Mike: What the [stuff] are you doing?
Tom: That's what I call a root beer float!
Mike: (groans)
Crow: Mike, can you float over to the vending machine and get me a *hero* sandwich?
Mike: The [stuff] I will, Crow...
>Chubby: Hmmm...
Crow: (floating back to his seat) Hey, make that two, Mike! My chubby friend Akanaramasotagemanutaya wants one too!
Tom: (fastening seatbelt) Could you get two more? One for me and one for my friend William Jeffe--I mean Bob!
Crow: (fastens his seatbelt as he laughs histerically)
Mike: (crashes into vending machine) [Stuff]!
>Molly, Serena, and Brandy: What a sacrifice!
Tom: Yeah! Chubby just laid down a great bunt to advance the runner! Beautiful execution!
Crow: Yeah, he's, er, she's a *hero*!
Mike: Crow...
Crow: What?
Mike: [Stuff], Crow! I just wanted to tell you that the machine's out of *hero* sandwiches.
Tom: Then can you make us some?
Crow: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE!
Mike: (floating over to the theater fridge) Oh, all right, you lazy sons of a [stuff]!
Crow & Tom: We resent that!
>Brandy: I always lose weight really, really fast whenever I get a new boyfriend.
Tom: Yeah, no wonder Mike's been losing weight...
Crow: 11!
Tom: 12!
Mike: Tom!
Tom: What?!
Mike: Sorry! I just wanted to let you know that our mayo is spoiled...
>Chubby: Boyfriend? When did this happen?
Mike: About March 24, 1878...
Crow: Huh?
Tom: What's that?
Mike: The expiration date for our horseradish sauce...
Crow: Put some on mine, por favor!
Mike: Ewww...
Crow: Rotten and spicy, the way I like my *hero*!
Mike: Crow...
Crow: What?
>Brandy: Well...
Mike: Well, this lettuce is kind of soggy...
Crow & Tom: Well...
Mike: Well, what are you staring at me for?
Tom: Well, if Dr. F finds out you're not paying attention to the dub, he'll make you watch it eight or twelve times.
Mike: Well, bite me. If he does find out, so what? I'll just steal your riffs.
Crow: Well, Mike?
Mike: Well, yeah?!
Crow: Well, could you put some spoiled lettuce on mine?
Mike: Well, I guess, well, if, well, okay.
>Molly, Serena, Chubby: So spill!
Mike: [Stuff]! I spilled the Honey Dijon!
Tom: Pardon, Mike?
Mike: Yeah, Tom?
Tom: Do you have any Grey Poupon?
Crow: (starts giggling)
Mike: (to Crow) What's up with you, fat[stuff]?
Crow: Huh? Well, someone's getting PMS-y.
Mike: And don't start that well... business with me, young man!
Tom: You [stuff] is getting fat, Crow...
Crow: Oh, bite me.
>Brandy: It's Michael!
Crow: Hey, just when I thought *it* was Leo!
Tom: Now you're telling us *it*'s Mike?
Mike: I am NOT that, nothing, Mom with Molly's accent, or the big crisis!
Crow & Tom: From the Negaverse!
Mike: Oh, bite me!
>Molly: Motormouth?
Crow: You do talk a lot, Mike.
Mike: I do not! I mean like I don't talk nearly as much as you guys do, oh, wait, I programmed you, no, it was Joel, but I lived on the SOL for 4 seasons, so I've been with you guys a long time, so I should know exactly how much I talk, cause it's not my fault I got stuck with you, when Dr. F just hired me as a temp but had to send me into space, I never expected any [stuff] like this, come on, guys, do you really like Dr. F? Right, guys?
Crow: True.
Tom: You're also clumsy.
Mike: (floats toward screen and crashes into Crow)
Tom: That was classic.
Mike: Did I do that?
Crow: Are you done with our *heroes* yet?
Mike: Sorry, guys. (floats back to *hero* table)
>Brandy: Why does everyone call him that?
Tom: Because that is *it* and...
Crow: ...and *it*'s Mike...
Mike: (not-so-ecstatically) And *it*'s from the Negaverse.
>Chubby: Cause he's always mouthing off without thinking first...
Mike: (mouthing something)
Crow: Hey, Tom, what's he saying?
Tom: I think he said, "Off!"
Mike: (whacks his head with a piece of bread) That ought to kick things into gear...
>Chubby: ...and saying totally dumb things.
Crow: This is the first time I actually AGREE with the dub.
Mike: It's just a MSTing. You should really just relax.
>Brandy: So now you're saying my boyfriend's dumb?
Tom: No, we're saying that Mike's dumb.
Mike: Which he is!
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Oops...
>Chubby: No...
Tom: On Prop 69!
>[Brandy and Chubby set to fight.]
Mike: Brandy's in the Cat-Fist!
Tom: When Brandy's in the Cat-Fist, she's invincible!
Crow: Did anything possess you guys to say that or did you just feel like it?
>Molly: Maybe you should talk to Ms. Haruna.
Tom: (imitating Molly) Who am I talking to?
Crow: Ms. Haruna.
Tom: (imitating Molly) Maybe you should talk to yourself, Ms. Haruna.
Mike: Hey, guys! (floats over to his seat) Here's the big *hero* sandwich.
Crow: Whoa! *69* inches of luscious *hero*!
Tom: Mighty fine eating if you ask me!
Mike: (fastens his seatbelt) Since there's only one, all the nasty [stuff] is on your side, Crow.
Crow: (with a mouthful of [stuff]) HOT! Need a DRINK!
Tom: (floats over to vending machine) Where did all the A&W go?
Mike: Just get something!
Tom: There's just Tab!
Crow: HURRY!
Tom: (uses special attachment to press button)
Mike: Frank must of used that stupid Anti-Tab!
Tom: (floats back and hands the can to Mike)
Mike: (pops the can and gives some to Crow)
Tom: (fastens his seatbelt)
>Molly: She's been on a major fitness kick lately.
Tom: (imitating Serena) Yeah, you've been staring at her weird lately.
Mike: Tom...
Crow: (imitating Molly) Well, she's been staring back weird too.
Mike: Crow...
Crow & Tom: (imitating Molly & Serena, respectively) What's gonna happen between us?
Mike: Guys...
Crow & Tom: Shut up, *it*!
Mike: (imitating Mom with Molly's accent) I make you a huge *hero* sandwich and this is the thanks I get? Wahhhhhhhh!!!!
>Serena: She has?
All: (imitating Molly) For sure! She has!
>Molly: For sure!
All: (imitating Molly) She has!
>Haruna: How are you, ladies?
Crow: (imitating Molly) Did you hear that? She asked how I was! I think I'm going to faint!
Tom: (imitating Serena) Oh, that's nothing, Moll! She asked me how I was! I should faint!
Mike: It would make my job much easier if you two don't faint.
>Haruna: I hope you're ready for today's test.
Crow: (imitating Molly) Oh, sure. I was with Serena last night *study*ing!
Mike: ERRRRRRRR!!!!
Crow: (takes a bite of the *hero*)
>[Haruna continues to walk, swaying her hips.]
Tom: Shake that wild thang!
Mike: Servo!
>Serena: Wow! There is something different about her!
Crow: (imitating Molly) You're right, Serena! She's pretty much independent of the Viagra!
Tom: (imitating Serena) No way, Molly! How could her butt get that big!
Mike: Guys, those two sentences really had no relation to each other.
Tom: (takes a bite of the *hero*)
>[Melvin appears.]
>Melvin: Hey there, Serena!
Crow: (imitating Molly) What?! No "Hey there, Molly!"? And to think I gave you a Sharpie for Christmas, not to mention March 24, 1878!
Tom: (imitating Melvin) Hey! Don't blame me for the bad horseradish!
Mike: Let's get back to the dub.
Crow: (imitating Molly) Oh, [stuff]! I forgot about the other *test*! Wanna help me *study*!
Tom: (imitating Melvin) Sure, Molly!
Crow: (imitating Molly) Oh, Melvin! You're my *hero*!
Mike: Guys, enough!
>Melvin: Look at these cool pictures!
Tom: (imitating Serena) Did you steal these out of the anatomy class?
Crow: (imitating Melvin) What makes you think that?
Tom: (imitating Serena) These people are naked!
Mike: Tom...
Crow: (imitating Molly) Oh, they're really turning me on! Oh! (makes several inappropriate sounds)
Mike: Crow!
>[Melvin shows pictures of Haruna at the gym.]
Tom: Oh, no! It's worse than the fat lady!
Crow: Help us! They're hideous!
Mike: Come on, guys. She's not that bad.
Tom: Oh, bite me, Mike.
Crow: You killed it. Just like DudeDude2!
Mike: AND WHO THE [STUFF] IS DUDEDUDE2????
>Melvin: Ms. H dropped them from her purse.
Crow: How do you drop something from a purse?
Tom: Yeah, Mike, wouldn't the purse drop them?
Crow: Or you dropping the purse?
Tom: Or the pictures just falling out of the purse?
Crow: If you want to drop something out of your purse, drop it yourself.
Tom: The purse can't pick up everything it drops.
Crow: Besides, why are there zippers and/or latches on most purses?
Tom: So the purse won't drop anything!
Mike: What are you telling this to me for? I have a wallet.
Crow & Tom: (take a bite of the *hero*)
>Melvin: Teachers aren't supposed to look that good!
Crow: (recalling a line from last MSTing) Didn't Serena say, "Teachers never have boyfriends."?
Tom: Yeah?
Crow: There's your reason why.
Tom: Thanks, Crow. In fact, didn't you say most had girlfriends?
Crow: Oh, yeah. Mike, ignore this riff. It sucks.
Mike: (takes a bite of the*hero*)
>Serena: No way!
All: (imitating Molly) Oh, for sure!
>Melvin: I think she's been working out!
Mike: Oh, come on! She's wearing a skimpy little gym outfit and she's lifting weights. What gives you the idea that she's been working out?
Tom: That she's wearing a skimpy little gym outfit and she's lifting weights.
Crow: And maybe because she looks that good and because Molly got a good night...
Mike: Crow!
>Molly: Where'd you really get these, Melvin?
Tom: (imitating Melvin) I got them at Ms. H's cousin's birthday party!
Mike: (imitating Melvin) I got them at the picture studio!
Crow: (imitating Melvin) I got them from Playgi... I mean Playb...
Mike: CROW!
>Molly: Ms. H wasn't carrying a purse!
Tom: She had a handbag, backpack, fanny pack, wallet, and trenchcoat, but no purse!
Crow: Not to mention the Eddie Bauer luxury briefcase with [stuff] inside.
Mike: No, don't mention the [stuff].
Crow: It's THAT [stuff].
Tom: Crow, could you please be more specific?
Mike: Please don't.
Crow: Well, there's a bunch of Viagra, some magic markers, a few Sharpies, a sliced *hero*, some *study* utensils, some other [stuff]...
Mike: Crow!!!!
>[Melvin immediately takes off screaming.]
Mike: Why?
Tom: The girls are going to chase him...
Crow: ...and when they catch him, it's an all-night cram *study* session!
Mike: Crow!!!!!!!!
>Serena: Stop there!
Crow: We know where you are! Assimilation will be immediate!
Tom: Resistance is useless! Transformation will commence!
Mike: We are the Borg!
>Serena: We want to know!
Tom: A train goes from Boston to Chicago at an average speed of 69 MPH. At the same time, a bunch of hookers head north in a Pinto at an average speed of 69 MPH. If the Pinto passes Los Angeles at 4:20 PM, what time will the train derail?
Crow: 7:48.
Mike: You're good, Crow. How'd you do that?
Crow: That's the time I'm going to derail Tom's Lionel train set.
Tom: What? Hey!
>[Melvin turns and hides.]
Mike: You...can...run...but...you...can't...hide...
>Melvin: Phyoo! That was close!
Tom: Hey! This is open! Oh!
Crow: (takes a bite of the *hero*) Open, close, open, close, open, close... Hey, you know what that sounds like?
Mike: What?
Crow: Haruna's, well, um, alternative magic marker.
Mike: Crow...
>Serena: There you are, Melvin.
Tom: (imitating Melvin) I think I already knew that.
Crow: (imitating Melvin) While you're here, you wanna read my report on the success of porn involving yellow earthworms?
Mike: ERRRRRRRR!!!!
Crow: (imitating Melvin) I just finished my appendix: Porn with other Ornothopodia.
>Melvin: Okay! I admit it!
Mike: (imitating Melvin) I SQUEEZED THE CHARMIN!
>Melvin: I borrowed the Photo Club's camera secretly and took those pictures, okay!
Tom: (imitating Serena) That's impossible! The Photo Club's camera is gone! It's missing! You can't take something that's missing! But of course, you're really weird anyway, so it wouldn't surprise me if you did steal the camera that's the missing. Wait a minute! That's why it's missing! [Stuff], Melvin! You made me cancel my shoot for Playgi...uh, Playb...
Mike: Tom...
Crow: (takes a sip of Tab) [Stuff]! I can't believe we'll be drinking this [stuff] for the rest of our time on the SOL!
Mike: Don't worry, Crow. We'll destroy the Anti-Tab once we get out of the theater.
>Serena: Oh, Melvin. You are too weird.
Tom: (imitating Melvin) So is yours, I mean, so are you!
Mike: Tom...
>Serena: So just tell me,
Tom: WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?
Crow: WHAT IS A LOGARITHM?
Mike: WHO THE [STUFF] IS DUDEDUDE2?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
>Serena: where's Ms. Haruna working out?
Crow: At the homeless strip bar!
Mike: Crow...
Tom: Better yet, the HECK!
Crow: Yeah!
Mike: You guys are nasty.
Crow: Nasty, yes. Stupid, no.
>Melvin: Huh?!
All: SHE SAID OH, MELVIN. YOU ARE TOO WEIRD. SO JUST TELL ME, WHERE'S MS. HARUNA WORKING OUT?!!!!!!
>[gym]
>Aerobics Instructor: All right! Yeah!
Mike: Yes!
Crow: Woo-hoo!
Tom: Funky!
>Aerobics Instructor: Super warm-up, everybody!
Crow: You're telling me...
Mike: Crow...
Crow: This thing's taking forever to warm up!
Mike: Crow!
>Aerobics Instructor: Now let's aerobicize!
Tom: Why isn't that word in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language...
Crow: ...and its Addenda Section...
Mike: ...Copyright 1993, Merriam-Webster, Incorporated?
Tom: Oh, wait, guys! It's in the addenda section. It means: "to bring (the body) to a good physical condition through aerobics" or "to engage in aerobics."
Crow: Okay, that makes sense. At least DiC used a real word...
Mike: Copyright 1993, Merriam-Webster, Incorporated!
>Aerobics Instructor: Yeah, you can do it!
All: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
>Aerobics Instructor: Excellent!
All: I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can!
>Aerobics Instructor: That's right!
Crow: Oh, [STUFF]!
Tom: Our train is helplessly descending out of control! We're rolling down!
Mike: Oh, are we going to die?
Crow: You killed it, Mike!
Tom: Again!
>Aerobics Instructor: Give me lots of energy!
Tom: Well, that just gave away most of the plot, now, didn't it?
Crow: I think so...
Mike: Crow...
Crow: The [stuff] did I do?
>Aerobics Instructor: We're gonna get in shape!
Mike: (imitating Negaverse slave) Master, what would you like me to mold into now?
Tom: A can of Tab!
Crow: Or a magic marker!
Mike: Guys, you killed my joke this time!
Crow: What was there to kill?
>Aerobics Instructor: Lift those legs, ladies!
Mike: (singing) That's the way...
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) ...I like it!
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) That's the way...
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) ...I like it!
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Tom: (making sound effects) Doo-doo-dooooo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doooooooo...
>Aerobics Instructor: Yeah!
All: Yeah!
>Serena: Aerobics!
Tom: Well, that's usually what an aerobics instructor teaches.
Crow & Mike: Yeah!
>Molly: I can't wait to get started!
Mike: And I can't wait for this thing to get finished. Right, guys!
Crow & Tom: You said it, Mike!
>Brandy & Chubby: Let's do it.
Mike: If you two are going to do it, don't do it in front of us.
Crow: Mike...
>Serena: 'Kay!
All: L-M-N-O-P!
>Jedite: Excellent!
Tom: How did Jedite get here?
Crow: He appeared out of nowhere!
>Jedite: More humans for our energy collection...
Mike: We're better freeze-dried than honey-roasted.
>[inside gym]
>Serena: So what do you guys want to do first?
Crow: I'm sure Amy would prefer *study*ing right now!
Mike: Crow!
Tom: To the racquetball courts, ladies!
>Molly: I don't know! Something easy?
Crow: (imitating Serena) Sure, Moll! We'll start easy, then *hard*.
Mike: NO! CROW! SHUT UP!
Crow: (imitating Serena) Slow, then speed up?
Mike: SARNIT! CROW!!!!!!!!
>Girls: Who's that?
Mike: I don't know. DudeDude2?
Crow: No. That is *it* and *it* is you, so you are that.
Tom: And *it*'s from the Negaverse!
Mike: Crow, you know that you're fixing the gravitational mechanism, right?
>Jedite: I'm Jed.
Crow: What's than short for?
Tom: Ed?
Mike: Bill?
Crow: Bob?
Tom: John?
Mike: Jack?
Crow: Sue?
Tom: Akanaramasotagemanutaya?
Mike: Jedite?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Crow?
Crow: WHAT DO YOU WANT, MIKE?! WHAT IS IT?! WHAT THE [STUFF]'S YOUR PROBLEM?!
Mike: I SHOULD ASK YOU THE SAME THING! WHAT THE [STUFF] WERE YOU SAYING MY NAME FOR?
Crow: WHY WERE YOU SAYING MINE?
Mike: BECAUSE YOU WERE SAYING MINE!
Crow: ME TOO!
Mike: Okay.
>Jedite: I'll show you around today!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) And that pretty much ends our tour. Thank you for visiting and please come again!
>Serena: Is he for real?
Mike: No, he's fictitious.
Tom: But for all plot purposes, he's physically there, so go ahead and do him, Serena!
Mike: Tom!
>Molly: I sure hope so...
Crow: (imitating Molly) I'd like to see some action too, Serena!
Mike: Crow!
>Jedite: Have you been here before?
Mike: (imitating Serena) If we have been here before, why would you need to show us around?
Tom: Because he's stupid!
>Serena: No...
Tom: (imitating Serena) But why do you look familiar???
>Serena: It's the first time here for all of us.
Crow: Which further justifies her statement about not being there before.
>Jedite: Well, right this way then.
Mike: All masters of the English language use both 'well' and 'then' in the same sentence.
>[The girls follow Jedite to a work out room.]
Crow: Hey! Where did Chubby go?
Mike: Crow...
>[Molly is doing chin-ups.]
Mike: (singing) Chin up! Chin up!
Crow: Huh?
Tom: I think he saw the Charlotte's Web animated video yesterday.
Crow: Oh.
>[Brandy and Chubby are lifting weights.]
Tom: Molly will need all the practice she can get!
Mike: Tom!
Crow: But since Brandy isn't making a major appearance on this show ever again...
>[Serena is on a rowing machine. (?)]
Crow: This is to help her do what?
Mike: Lose weight, Crow.
Tom: No, I think it's so she can practice sliding her butt back and forth.
Mike: Tom!
>Big Buff Guy in Scary Outfit #1: (to Serena) Good. Two hundred more. [Serena groans.]
Tom: Two hundred more what?
Crow: Scores?
Mike: Crow...
Tom: Packets of ketchup?
Mike: Half pounds?
Crow: Big buff guys in scary outfits?
Tom: Bottles of beer on the wall?
Mike: Episodes of "Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon"?
Crow & Tom: Yeah!
>[Chubby is jogging on a treadmill.]
Tom: And Yankee Doodle is riding on a pony! So bite me!
Mike: Crow, you have some mustard on your beak.
Crow: Thanks, Mike.
>Big Buff Guy in Scary Outfit #2: (to Chubby) Not bad. Three more miles to go. [Chubby groans.]
Tom: She's on a treadmill! She's not going anywhere! No matter how fast she runs, she can't get off the treadmill until the treadmill turns off! Oh, no! That sounded DiC dubbed!
Mike: Servo, just settle down...
>Jedite: (clapping) You're all doing great!
[The theater lights flash on and off.]
Mike: The [STUFF]!
Tom: What happened?
Crow: Uh, I think Dr. F installed the Clapper.
Mike: Why didn't you smash that instead of the gravitational mechanism?!
Tom: Because the root beer would have hit the ground!
Mike: Where is that root beer anyway? (Root beer floats into Mike's face.)
>Jedite: Keep it up, girls.
Tom: But if you keep it down, we can't hear you, so we don't hear DiC!
Mike: Girls, don't give in to the evil of the Negaverse!
>Jedite: We'll have you in shape in no time at all.
Crow: Whoa, that was quick!
Tom: The girls can leave!
Mike: The dub can end!
All: Yeah!
>[Molly is on an exercise bike.]
Tom: So Serena's on an exercise trike?
>Molly: Done yet, Brandy?
Mike: (imitating Brandy) DONE MY [STUFF], MOLLY!
>Brandy: (using some weight apparatus) Almost! This is my last set.
Crow: Then I suggest you get a new set!
Mike: Crow...
Tom: But it's her last set!
Mike: Tom...
Crow: (imitating Chubby) You can borrow my set, Brandy!
Mike: Crow!
Tom: (imitating the Fat Lady) You can borrow my set too, Brandy!
Mike: Tom!
Crow: Two sets are better than one...
Mike: GUYS!!! ENOUGH!
>Jedite: Done?
Mike: (imitating Jedite) DONE MY [STUFF], MOLLY!
>Jedite: Oh, not by a long shot!
Tom: Oh, and Haruka takes a long shot, and, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
>Jedite: (to Molly) Hey, you! On the bike! Back to work!
Crow: She's put her back to work and her front to play!
Mike: Crow!
Tom: What a set, eh?
>Molly: (blushing) Okay!
Mike: No, I won't let you guys mention the word 'set' until we set up the dinette set, we play a set of tennis, we collect a complete set of Star Wars CCG, the U.S. and Iraq settle down...
Crow & Tom: We can settle this for ourselves, Mike.
>[Molly goes faster; the odometer gets pretty high.]
Mike: No matter how fast she's going, she's still going 0 MPH.
>Jedite: Great! Your workout's over!
Tom: Why would Jedite be happy the workout's over?
Crow: He's getting *things*...
Mike: Do I need to?
Crow: No...
>[The girls express sighs of relief.]
All: (express sighs of agony and woe)
>Jedite: Now for your reward.
Crow: Reward?
Tom: Here's your Beggin' Strip!
Crow: Hey, Tom! You stole my really good chance to make an inappropriate joke!
Mike: Thank you, Servo.
Crow: Their reward is, not one, but two magic markers!
Tom: You're right. I did kill it. Sorry.
>Jedite: After each workout, you get access to the beauty spa downstairs.
Mike: So could we assume that the ugliness spa is upstairs?
Tom: And could we assume that the girls are not downstairs? Not that they're ugly...
Crow: No. To assume makes an [stuff] out of 'u' and me.
>Molly: Great!
All: Frosted Flakes!!!!
>Chubby: Cool!
Mike: What? No! The voice-activated thermostat just made it cool! [Stuff] you, dub!
Crow: Sixty-nine degrees Farenheit!
Mike: Thanks, Crow.
>Brandy: We need it...
Tom: You're *it*, Mike.
Crow: They need you!
Mike: And why not?
>[The Spa]
>[Serena's in the hot tub.]
Mike: This is the second time I have that craving for some fresh Porterhouse steak!
Crow: Was this one of those times DiC redrew the water line?
Tom: Maybe.
>Serena: I'm sure glad I bailed on those exercises early!
Crow: (imitating Spa Nazi) Huh? What you say? No spa for you!
>Serena: I'm so sore.
Crow: Wow! All that made me hurt all over!
Mike: Crow!
Crow: What?
>Serena: That was tough!
Tom: (imitating Serena) But when the doing gets tough, the tough get doing!
Mike: Tom!
>[The Basement]
>[There is a row of bacta tank like capsules with wires connected at the top.]
Mike: [STUFF]! They stole that off The Empire Strikes Back too!
Tom: Lousy DiC! What [stuff]!
>Brandy: What is this, Jed? This is weird.
Crow: (imitating Jedite) You REALLY don't want to know...
Mike: ...
>Jedite: Don't be scared.
Tom: (imitating Brandy) Why do I have the feeling you're NOT Santa Claus?
Crow: (imitating Molly) Don't do it, Brandy! When I sat on his lap, he...
Mike: Crow...
Crow: (imitating Molly) ...called me a ho three times, told me to wear gay apparel, and for some reason put me on his naughty list...
Tom: Oh, come, Crow. Santa was just full of Christmas cheer! Don't make fun of him.
Mike: Yeah, Crow, listen to your short little counterpart here and SHUT UP!
>Jedite: These are relaxation pods.
Mike: No relation to pea pod, escape pod, or pod people...
>Jedite: You get inside these pods, and in a minute, you're completely relaxed!
Tom: Well, isn't that what most relaxation pods do, right?
Crow: Maybe Magic can fix us some of those in the HECK, Mike.
Mike: If you don't remember, the hologameroom is busted.
Crow: Oh.
Tom: Yeah.
>Jedite: Try it!
All: Or deny it!
>Jedite: You'll feel like a brand new person.
Tom: What does a brand new person feel like, Mike?
Mike: Small, cold, wet, nervous, cranky, upset...
Crow: (giggles)
Mike: What?
Crow: The first three sound like you, and the last three sound like your ex-wife!
Mike: I don't have an ex-wife!
Tom: He means in your former self, before you reincarnated into Mike Nelson.
Mike: Oh, you'd better just be saying this to be funny.
>Molly: Okay! I'm game!
Crow: Whoa! Did she say, "I'm gay," just now?
Mike: It sure sounded like that!
Tom: And for that reason he won't Crow... you.
>Molly: They look like some weird space capsule.
Mike: They're bacta tanks! They're from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
>Chubby: Yeah, let's do it!
Crow: Oh, let's not...
Mike: Crow...
>Brandy: Count me in!
Crow: Oh, Mike, they're starting to scare me...
Mike: Crow...
>Molly: Let's try it!
Tom: Uh, Mike, what are they, er, *doing*, persay...
Mike: Tom...
Tom: No, seriously!
Mike: They're...
>Jedite: Hmm...
Mike: Maybe they are!
Crow: See, I was right!
Tom: You got three anime girls and a Negaverse general. Who's going to enjoy themselves the most?
Mike: Tom...
>Jedite: Eh, relaxation pods!
Mike: That's a good one! Haha!
>Jedite: That's a good one!
Tom: (imitating Jedite) I should start writing Dilbert books.
Crow: (imitating Luna) Frankly, I don't see the humor...
>Jedite: Hahahaha!
All: MAMA?
>Jedite: Queen Beryl will be most pleased.
Tom: I'm starting to feel queasy, guys...
Mike: Hold on, buddy, don't let your head explode yet. They only said it three times so far.
>[Negaverse]
>Beryl: Hahahaha!
Crow & Mike: Mama?
Tom: Mamamamamamamammamamamamama?
Mike: Dr. F is really cruel for doing this, you know that?
Crow: Is there a cure?
Mike: Well, we gave him panties for that roji panty complex thing, so...
Crow: We need to get a supreme female monarch!
Mike: Oh, are we in deep [stuff]...
After floating out of the theater, Mike and the bots made their plans for destroying Dr. Forrester's Anti-Tab.
"Okay, guys," Mike said, "this is the plan. Servo, since you're feeling better, you'll shoot down the umbiliport down to Deep 13. Crow will go next, bringing the metal chair from the theater which smashed the gravitational mechanism. I'll follow up and bring any extra artillery we need. The lack of gravity on the ship will help us get down to Deep 13. Once we get there, Gypsy will start fixing the gravitational mechanism. That can help suck us back to the ship. Got it, everybody?"
"One thing," Crow said. "How are we going to get all of our [stuff] back up?"
"What we don't need we'll leave," Mike answered. "What we do need, we'll suck back through the umbiliport with ourselves."
"And remember," Tom said, "we're the stars of a MSTing series. They can't kill us off. They can but they've got to bring us back. Well, never mind."
"Okay, guys, ready?" Mike asked.
The bots acknowledged.
"On the count of three," Mike informed. "One, two, THREE!"
Tom jumped into the opening of the umbiliport.
"One, two, THREE!"
Crow followed Tom into the portal.
"Okay, Cambot, follow me," Mike said. "One, two, THREE!"
Mike went through the umbiliport an incredible velocity. Ten seconds later, he ended up in Deep 13.
"Move, move, MOVE!" Mike shouted. He and the bots made their way down the corridor through which they had to make their way through. They searched the germ lab (which was really screwed up), the interrogation lab, the dining lab, the lab lab, the itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot bikini lab, and the Dr. Theodor Geisel Lab for Children, but found no trace of the Anti-Tab anywhere. When they arrived at the entertainment lab, they ran into Frank.
DEEP 13: ENTERTAINMENT LAB
"Hey, Mike!" Frank greeted. "Did you know that there's a sixteen hour marathon of F-Troop?"
"Really?" Mike returned. "What channel?"
"Channel 69, of course," Frank answered.
"Figures. Anyway, where's the Anti-Tab? I wanted to get a chance to burn-- I mean learn more about it."
"It's in the main lab. Bet you want to try out that Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Tab setting, don't you?"
"Uh, yeah, okay, where's that?"
"It should have been the first room you come in. It's the only way in or out. Wait a minute!"
Mike and the bots took off. Frank thought about it for a minute and finally realized that Mike should have been on the SOL.
He said to himself, "I'm going to enjoy using the F-Troop gun..."
DEEP 13: MAIN LAB
Mike and the bots returned to the lab where they had started. Crow grabbed the theater chair and swung it at the Anti-Tab. Sparks flew out and the flowerpot on the other side of the room morphed into Tab.
"Oh, [STUFF]!" Crow yelled out. He hit the Anti-Tab once more, and a Big Mac in one corner melted into Tab.
"That's not it," Mike said. "We've got company."
Frank, followed by fifty Imperial Stormtroopers, pointed his F-Troop gun right at Mike. Mike drew his lightsaber.
"There is nothing that you or your bots can do now," Frank said. "Prepare to die!"
Frank fired, but Mike deflected the shot with the saber. The shot ricocheted into through a Stormtrooper and into another.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Crow shouted. "CROW PRISM POWER, MAKE UP!" Crow spun around a few times. The initials MST were written in large print on his chest.
"SERVO STAR POWER, MAKE UP!" Tom spun around a few times. The initials MST were written in large print sideways on his neck.
"We are the Sailor Bots," Sailors Crow and Servo chanted, "the champions of justice. We will MiST bad [stuff] and triumph over evil, and that means YOU! On behalf of the SOL and all decency, we will punish you!"
Sailor Servo drew his metal bar and smashed the Anti-Tab. Sailor Crow repeated with his buzzsaw, and Mike with his lightsaber. The Stormtroopers fired upon them with their blasters, but the shots were deflected.
Sailor Servo used his Servo Stampeding Kangaroo attack. He rushed at Frank and the Stormtroopers at such incredible speed to leave a streak of flames. Frank got up, fired his F-Troop gun at Mike (but missed and hit the Anti-Tab), and ran back to the entertainment lab.
The Stormtroopers continued to fire. Sailor Crow used his Crow Transport to zap himself in the middle of the crowd of the troopers. He swung his buzzsaw around, slicing the troopers into slices.
The Stormtroopers' fire continued, although it always ended up hitting the Anti-Tab or a Stormtrooper. Sailor Servo used his Servo Iceberg Storm attack to knock out a bunch of the Stormtroopers. Sailor Crow went into the Cat-Fist to finish the rest of them off.
Mike, to his knees in Tab, went over to the Anti-Tab and drew his lightsaber. He used one clean, hard stroke to completely destroy it. He then used his comlink to call Gypsy.
"Hey, Mike," Gypsy greeted. "I suppose you want to know how long before you can come back up..."
Sailor Servo hovered over to pet Sailor Crow, who was still in the Cat-Fist.
"What do you mean how long before we can go back up?" Mike asked.
Sailor Crow came back from the Cat-Fist.
"It's busted pretty bad," Gypsy informed him. "I'll have to generate a lot of energy, primarily from the solar panels and the backup power. It'll be dangerous (and I might die in the process), but at least you guys won't..."
"No, Gypsy, don't do it!" Sailor Servo yelled into the comm. "Don't put yourself in danger for us!"
"Sorry, Sailor Servo, but I already started. The entire process will be done in five minutes. Well, goodbye--"
The comm went dead.
Suddenly, a man who appeared to be Mike walked into the main lab.
Sailors Crow and Servo transformed back to their civilian identities.
"Who are you?" Mike asked.
The man answered with an accent similar to Molly's, "I am *it*. *It* I am."
Crow and Tom didn't believe it.
"I am that, that I am," he said. "I am evil, I am cursed. I am from the Negaverse. I am here; I'm here to say, 'I challenge you to a duel today.' I am nothing, nothing am I. A big crisis I am, and you will die.'"
"Mike am I, That-you-are. I wish Frank hadn't gone this far. I have come, I have fought, I have found what I had sought. I came down to Deep 13, I would have known if I had seen. Since I hadn't, they would try, try to kill me (my, oh, my). I just had Tab to purify. I am here, here today, here you go, I say you're gay. I will fight you, and like the rest, you will see that I'm the best."
That-you-are said, "Draw your saber and your wit, you will miss and I will hit."
Mike said, "That-you-are, you are wrong. Your saber's short, but mine is long."
The two both drew their sabers. Whenever either made a clean cut at one another, the other could make an excellent block.
That-you-are said, "I see that you have the skill, but do you have the wit, the will?
Mike said, "Of course I do. As you will see, you are more dumb than me. Oh! What's that?"
Mike pointed behind That-you-are. That-you-are turned his head. Mike slashed three times at That-you-are's torso.
Mike said, "Well, it's a Z."
That-you-are said, "Well, what's this? I think I see..."
That-you-are pulled something out of his pocket. The bots drooled at the sight of it.
That-you-are said, "A *hero* sandwich just for me."
Mike said, "'Tis the bots, Tom and Crow, who really want that *hero*."
As That-you-are held out the *hero*, Mike sliced off That-you-are's hand.
Mike said, "That is what you should get, you lose your hand, I win the bet."
That-you-are said, "But there's something you did not know. Neither did Tom, nor did Crow. The truth I'll tell, this isn't a lie. My son you are, your father am I."
The bots watched in shock.
Mike said, "I am not a fool, am I? Years ago, my dad did die. On a plane from Milwaukee, he went to go help film Rocky. The plane was gone, and with it my dad, and now I think you're really bad! Try to kill me, go ahead. See if my blood is red. Strike me down, stab my back, or do you think that I'm on crack? You are very, very mean. How did you get to Deep 13? Do you know Dr. F? Can you hear me? Are you deaf?"
The bots were crying.
That-you-are said, "Yes, I fell down with the plane. In the storm, in the rain. We went down into a lake. I was eating cake and steak."
Mike asked, "Cake and steak?"
That-you-are said, "Cake and steak. Yes, I may seem really mean. It's because of that evil queen! Beryl's her name, and just like that, she made me think I was her cat."
Tom whispered to Crow, "That-you-are's in the Cat-Fist..."
Crow whispered back, "When That-you-are's in the Cat-Fist, he's invincible!"
Mike said, "Now I know my dad you are. He ate cake in the car. He ate steak at the bar. Oh, my father, here you are!"
Mike deactivated his saber.
That-you-are said, "Oh, Mike Nelson, you're a fool! Did you ever go to school? I am not your dad, I'm not! And now you will hear my plot! I am from the IRS. You and they owe more than less!"
Gypsy was on the comm.
Gypsy said, "Oh, Mike! Oh, bots! Oh, That-you-are! On the bridge there is a car! I think that it's a Ford Aerostar."
That-you-are said, "What you say? My Aerostar! Nelson, you have gone to far! I shall leave and I'll be back. But first..."
"MAGIC VOICE MOZART ATTACK!"
That-you-are said, "What is that stupid [stuff] I hear?"
Eternal Sailor Magic Voice said, "Have no fear, for Magic's here!"
Crow and Tom cheered.
That-you-are said, "You're all a bunch of homo queers, but now I think I'll check my ears..."
Mike said, "Oh, bite me, That-you-are!"
Gypsy said, "And I think you left your door ajar!"
That-you-are said, "Oh, [stuff] no! The car won't start! All thanks to Mike and Magic's Mozart."
With that, returned to the SOL did Mike and the bots, and well, that's how they beat the IRS and the Anti-Tab was put to rest. Dr. F was in a bad mood, and Frank was ground into dog food. Through all that, somehow the HECK, had been repaired, no longer a wreck. So that is now where they are, no Anti-Tab or That-you-are.
"And the gravity's fixed!" Mike said.
Suddenly, red lights flashed and sirens rang out.
"OH," Mike yelled out. "WE'VE GOT DiC DUB SIGN!"
Door 6 is a relaxation pod. You relax.
Door 5 is a fake relaxation pod. You try to relax, but for some reason, a giant electrical wire
sucks out all of your energy.
Door 4 is another means of relaxation. You relax.
Door 3 is just a show. You should really just relax.
Door 2 is a vibrating bed. You relax and go, "O-o-o-o-oo-o-oooo-o-o-o-o-ooo-oo-o-oo-o-o..."
Door 1 is that other means of relaxation. You do the same as Door 2.
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.
Mike walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Mike takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The dub continues.
Mike: I'm NOT *it*!
Crow: Sorry, Mike. The dub made us think *it* was you.
Tom: DiC was in on the whole IRS plot. Figures...
>Molly: I'm exhausted!
Tom: Well, that goes to show you shouldn't get too close to the back of a car. Those CO fumes can be dangerous!
>Chubby: Major pooped.
Crow: Well, that goes to show you shouldn't get too close to the back end of the Fat Lady. Now, THOSE fumes could be really dangerous!
Mike: Crow...
>Jedite: But you should see the glow you have on all your lovely faces!
Tom: And your point is...
Mike: I think he's making a pass at them. Seriously.
>Brandy: Really?
Mike: Well, not really. I was trying to make a quality riff, but it just died, thanks to DiC.
>Molly: You think so?
Tom: (imitating Molly) I KNOW SO! Oh, waaaaiiiit. I'm talking to myself...
>Jedite: I'm sure of it.
Mike: Well, we just drove your That-you-are fellow out of our lives forever! That'll teach you to mess with Mike and the almighty Sailor Bots!
Crow & Tom: United, we're invincible! While we're in the Cat-Fist, we're invincible!
>Jedite: The relaxation pods have worked wonders!
Tom: That doesn't make sense. The words 'relaxation' and 'worked' really don't go well together.
Crow: And why do I have the feeling...
>[The girls walk away.]
Crow: You scared them off, Mike!
Mike: Oh, bite me.
Tom: What feeling?
>Jedite: (laughing) Wonders for the Negaverse!
Crow: They're right up there with Wunderland Nickel Games and Alice's Wonderland.
>Jedite: Stupid humans, they're so easy to fool.
Tom: You did fall for That-you-are's father trick.
Crow: You're lucky Eternal Sailor Magic Voice bailed you out.
Mike: No, I knew he wasn't my father. It just read better that way.
Tom: What do you mean?
Mike: My dad's a dairy farmer back in Wisconsin. Makes the finest non-California cheddar known to man.
Crow: Amen for that.
Tom: And *hero* sandwiches.
>Jedite: I shall feed their energy to the Negaforce.
Mike: And she shall eat...
Crow: Uh, Mike, were you trying to set up a joke?
Mike: Uh, no, why?
Crow: Cause I have this really bad feeling something's gonna happen soon.
Tom: Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm feeling a little queasy myself.
>Jedite: Arise,
Tom: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
>Jedite: Queen Beryl,
Tom: ERRRRRRRR!!!! (Tom's head explodes in a dazzling display of fire, smoke, and a shower of sparks.)
Mike: AW, COME ON, DiC!
Crow: THAT BITES!
>Jedite: your realm shall very soon include Earth...
Mike: Are you all right, dude?
Tom: (coughing) I guessesessesesessesesess sooooooooooooooooo...
Crow: Mike, we gotta get Tom a supreme female monarch!
Mike: I think he's got moji queen complex...
Tom: (coughing) Huh?
Mike: Yeah. I'll tell you guys about it later.
>Jedite: Hahahaha!
Mike: This is no time to laugh!
Tom: (coughing) It's okay, Mike. I have to say Mamamamaaamammamamammammammmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaama?
>[Serena is walking down a street.]
Tom: Doooooooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaaaa dididididdiddididididdiddididididididdididdy dididddidididiididididdiddidididididididiidididdiididdiddy dumudmdudmduddmduddmududududududududududmdududum didididididididdididdidididididididddiiddiddy doooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Mike: Tom, I think you should rest for a little bit.
>Serena: This fitness business is a total snore.
Tom: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
Mike: What? Is Serena's 24-Hour Fitness not open 24 hours?
Crow: You know what? I've refrained from the mention of Richard Simmons this entire time!
Mike: Please don't mention him again.
>Serena: My stomach's growling so loud,
Mike: Leo goes...
Crow: GERRRRRRRR!!!!
>Serena: you'd think I swallowed a bear!
Mike: Well, GERRRRRRRR!!!!
>[A boy passes Serena.]
Crow: That could have been, passes out at the sight of Serena, passes away at the sight of Serena, passes the ball to Serena, makes a pass on Serena, passes a test unlike Serena, passes the note to Serena, or got passes to the homeless strip bar for Serena.
Mike: You had to end it with the nasty one...
>Serena: Hey, kid!
Crow: Trix is *not* for silly rabbits!
Tom: Hey, guys.
Mike: Better, now?
Tom: Not really. I have a really bad headache.
>Kid: Huh?
All: SHE SAID HEY, KID!
>Serena: (drooling) You're not gonna eat all those donuts, are ya?
Mike: (imitating Kid) What, these donuts?
Crow: (imitating Serena) No, those donuts!
Mike: (imitating Kid) Oh, these donuts?
Crow: (imitating Serena) No, those donuts!
Mike: (imitating Kid) These donuts?
Crow: (imitating Serena) No, those donuts! And, these aren't donuts...
Mike: (imitating Kid) OH! *Those* donuts!
Crow: (imitating Serena) Yes! These donuts!
Tom: What? Do my nuts? Huh?
Mike: Get some rest, Servo.
>Kid: Uh...
Crow: Mmmm...
Tom: Oh...
Mike: Err...
>Kid: Uh...
Crow: Well...
Tom: Heh...
Mike: [Stuff]...
>Kid: Aaaaaahhh! Aaah!
Tom: It's Richard Simmons!
Crow: With a magic marker behind him!
Mike: That is one [stuff] of a deadly combo.
>Kid: Mommy!
Crow: Uh, uh, aaaaaahhh, aaah, Mommy!
>Serena: Huh?
Mike: THEY SAID UH, UH, AAAAAAHHH, AAAH, MOMMY!
Tom: No one listens anymore...
>Serena: I don't believe that kid!
Crow: Did he tell her that her chest is large or...
Mike: Crow...
Crow: ...that...
Mike: No!
Crow: ...she's...
Mike: ENOUGH!
Crow: [STUFF]ED.
>Serena: What a totally selfish brat!
Tom: Like totallalalallalalalalaalalalaly, whoa...
Mike: You're still screwed, Tom.
Tom: I noticed, Mike.
>[Serena is walking past Crown Game Center.]
Crow: (imitating Serena) Great! Now it's time to use those passes I got!
Mike: Crow, it's not a homeless strip bar! Give it up!
Crow: They turned the Honkerburger into a French restaurant. Why not the same for Crown?
Mike: Name one homeless strip bar in France...
Crow: Uh...
Mike: That you've been to.
Crow: Well, there's this...
Mike: Inside, Crow...
Crow: Yeah, that one...
Mike: Inside the room where you can see THAT.
Crow: [STUFF] NO! What are you, Mike, sick?
Mike: ...
>Serena: (voice over) Don't think about food.
Tom: Don't think--
Crow:
Mike:
Tom:
Mike:
Crow:
Mike:
Tom:
Crow:
Mike:
Crow:
Tom:
Mike:
Tom:
Crow:
Tom:
Mike: ...
Tom: Mike, you lose!
>Serena: (voice over) Don't think about food.
Crow: Okay. I feel like chicken tonight. How about you guys?
Tom: Fine with meeeeeeeee, whoa, gottatatata watch thatat...
Mike: Don't think about food! Besides, I got you guys that huge *hero*! What else?
Crow: I said chicken!
>Serena: If only I were more like Sailor V...
Crow: Yes. Something exciting is always happening in her life, right, Mike?
Mike: Yes, Crow.
Tom: Thus, Serena envies her.
Crow: Yes. She gets the fun [stuff] while...
Mike: Crow...
>Serena: Aagh... [Serena falls toward Andrew.]
>Andrew: Serena, what's the matter?
Tom: (imitating Serena) I fell on you!
Mike: Tom...
Crow: What'd he say?
>Serena: Nothing's the matter, why?
Tom: (imitating Andrew) Because you fell on me!
>Andrew: I thought you were gonna faint!
Crow: She DID faint, right Mike?
Mike: I thought she did.
Tom: We must have missed something.
Crow: Or DiC took something out.
>Serena: No way.
Crow: Well, apparently, she didn't, Mike.
Mike: I'm confused.
Tom: So am IIIIIIIIIIIIII, whoa, holdoldoldodldoldlodold upppppppppp, stopopsopopospstop, spasmamamaspapsapsamspasm!
Crow: You said, "So am I, whoa, hold up, stop, spasm!" right?
Tom: (kind of nods while coughing)
>Andrew: Are you sure you're all right?
Tom: I'm all right. Thanks for asking!
Crow: (imitating Serena) And I'm all right too!
>Serena: I would be if you'd just stop moving.
Mike: (imitating Serena) Yeah, my dad's U-Haul is just running out of rental trucks.
Crow: Those Ryder vans parking in our driveway are really annoying also.
Tom: Not to mention insulting and degrading.
Mike: And making and breaking.
Crow: Eating and sleeping.
Tom: Pulling all-night *study* sessions.
Mike: Tom!
>Andrew: Oh...
Tom: You're getting annoyed because I'm moving from Juuban! Hah! You'll get along without me. You jealous Usagi you, why, what a claspy little fritter want a piece of me, let's take this outside. (A brilliant flash of light fills the room.)
Mike: TOM?
Crow: TOM!
Tom: SHORting ooouutttttt...
Mike: Just shout, "SERVO STAR POWER, MAKE UP!"
Tom: Serrrrrrvoooooooo Staraaraaaarr Poooooowerrrrrrr
Crow: Come on, buddy!
>Serena: Everything's going round and round.
Tom: Everything's going round and round...
Mike: Don't leave us!
Tom: Huh? Oh, just messing with you!
Crow: Ha! Mike, you humans are easy to fool.
Mike: Oh, bite me.
>Serena: It's all spinning...
Tom: (imitaing Bob Barker) If you get exactly one dollar in one spin or a combination of two spins, we'll give you one thousand dollars and a bonus spin. If the wheel stops on one of the two green sections in your bonus spin, we'll give you five thousand dollars more. If the wheel stops on one dollar in your bonus spin, we'll give you ten thousand dollars more, for a total of eleven thousand dollars! The contestant nearest to one dollar without going over is the winner.
Mike: And remember to have your pets spayed or neutered.
Crow: Don't stop the range-finder until you're sure, because we can't start it again for 37 hours.
>[Serena's dream.]
Crow: (imitating Serena) What? Melvin, Molly, Haruna, what're you all doing here?
Mike: Crow!
>Serena: Wow! I'm dancing with Andrew.
Tom: (imitating Serena) It's too bad he's not dancing with me.
>Serena: Oooo...
Crow: (imitating Serena) That feels soooo good...
Mike: Crow...
>Serena: I just wish I didn't have to leave.
Tom: She has to leave what?
Crow: She isn't anywhere anyway.
Mike: Basicly, she's in her dreamworld, which seems to me doesn't have any sense of location or gravity...
Tom: So if she's nowhere, how can she leave?
Crow: How do you leave nowhere, Mike?
Mike: How about let's grant her wish so she won't have to leave?
Tom: That still means she can.
>Serena: Goodbye, my love.
Mike: (imitating Serena) And if you don't leave nowhere now, you'll be really sorry...
>Serena: It's been totally great!
Mike: Somehow, I do not agree. *It*'s been really mean to me.
Tom: I don't think DiC is referring to That-you-are as *it* anymore.
Crow: Then, is it possible for him to be totally great when there's no gravity?
Mike: Crow...
>Andrew: Don't do this, Serena!
Crow: Do that! Or That-you-are!
Mike: Crow!
>Andrew: It's not good for you to stop eating.
Tom: Only to stop drinking is to be good for you!
Mike: Huh?
Crow: To stop drinking is to be good for you, Mike.
Mike: That's true.
>Andrew: There's a better way, my darling.
Tom: (imitating Serena) No, there isn't, sweetie pie.
Mike: Someone got lessons from Lum.
Crow: Where's my Cutey Honey?
>Serena: But I gained half a pound!
Mike: Your acquisition of 50 schillings has absolutely nothing to do with your crash diet!
>Andrew: So what?
Tom: (imitating Serena) So I gained half a pound!
Mike: So your acquisition of 50 schillings has absolutely nothing to do with your crash diet!
Crow: So, [stuff].
>Andrew: Look what you're doing to yourself.
Crow: (imitating Serena) No, I would rather not watch myself doing myself.
Mike: Crow!
>Serena: What should I do?
Tom: (imitating Andrew) ME!
Mike: Tom...
Crow: (imitating Molly) OR ME!
Mike: Crow...
Crow & Tom: (imitating Melvin) Or better yet, ME!
Mike: Guys!
>Andrew: Have a big steak!
Mike: No! I'm the one that's been wanting the steak! Me!
Tom: Do you also want some cake?
Crow: Cake goes down well with steak.
Mike: Cake and steak?
Crow & Tom: Cake and steak.
>Andrew: With French fries and a chocolate malt.
Crow: Potato strips and Ovaltine!
Mike: I should have stayed in Deep 13.
Tom: Isn't that a value meal?
Crow: Yes, that is the real deal.
>Serena: A guy up to my own heart...
Mike: Had to pass the spleen to get there, right?
Crow: Someone has really LONG arms.
Tom: And/or other parts of the anatomy.
Mike: GUYS!
>[Serena wakes up inside a room at Crown Game Center.]
>Andrew: Here, Serena. Drink this.
All: (groaning in disgust) OOOOGH! UGH! OOOOOH! NOOOO! AAGH!
>Serena: Mmm... (takes a sip of soda) Thanks, Andrew.
Mike: It's all right everybody. It's just soda.
Tom: But it's in, it's in...
Crow: It's in a CAN! At long last, our quest for the Holy Gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-rail has ended!
Mike: That can is NOT the Holy Grail, and you haven't been searching for it.
Tom: And there's no soda in it.
>Andrew: I should be thanking you, Serena.
Mike: (imitating Serena) Well, hello, Mr. Thanking-you-Serena!
Crow: (imitating Andrew) How are you, today?
>Andrew: When you fainted into my arms,
Tom: (imitating Andrew) I gave you aspirin, but you were allergic, so you died. The end.
Mike: Sorry, Tom, but it's DiC.
>Andrew: it made me so happy!
Crow: So this son of a [stuff] goes around making teenage girls faint so he can be so happy?
Tom: Maybe that's just Step 1.
>Serena: It did?
Mike: I was about to ask the same thing until I realized that it wasn't a question.
Crow: Oh, lighten up, Mike.
>Andrew: Oh, yeah. For the first time, I'm absolutely positive...
Tom: (imitating FedEx guy) ...I'm going to be there overnight! Oh!
Crow: That joke was stupid, but funny.
Tom: Those are the kind of riffs you need to make, Mike.
>Andrew: ...I really want to be a...
Mike: Stripper!
Crow & Tom: Mike!
Mike: Sorry, but I had to steal it. Otherwise, you would have taken all the credit and I would be scolding you!
>Andrew: ...doctor.
Crow: I just realized that he kind of looks like Andrew on "Touched by an Angel."
Mike: Do you watch that show?
Crow: Yeah, it's a great show! Why?
Mike: You don't act like it.
Tom: Just because we're bots doesn't mean we can't be good and evil at the same time.
>Serena: Oh, you want to be a doctor.
Mike: (imitating Andrew) Yes. For the first time, I'm absolutely positive I really want to be a doctor.
Crow: (imitating Serena) Lucky you. You get to [stuff] all the sick girls all the time, you lucky [stuff]hole.
Tom: No pun intended.
>Serena: So you don't want to work at the arcade anymore?
Tom: (imitating Andrew) Not when I can get MediCare and a dental plan at Chuck E. Cheese!
Mike: (imitating Melvin) Hey, Serena! How about a game of Sailor V 2: Revenge of the Yellow Earthworms?
>Andrew: Not forever. [Andrew laughs.]
Tom: (imitating Andrew) Yeah, heh, heh, forever would be a loooooooooong tiiime...
>Serena: (starting to cry) Andrew, I don't want you to go!
Crow: (imitating Serena) Otherwise, who else will give me the change?
Mike: (imitating Andrew) That's precisely why I need to *study* up for med school!
>Andrew: Well, first I need to finish school and earn my tuition...
Crow: (imitating Serena) You need to work at this dump to earn your tuition?
Mike: (imitating Andrew) Well, I make the big bucks in the back room. Wait, this is the back room! Hold on tight, Serena!
Tom: Guys...
>Andrew: ...so I won't be leaving the arcade for a while,
Crow: (imitating Serena) Please, just stay for another five, six hours...
Mike: (imitating Andrew) How about 32 or 73?
>Andrew: but listen, Serena, are you dieting?
Tom: (imitating Andrew) Cause I think you gained half a pound...
Crow: (imitating Serena) How can you tell?
Tom: (imitating Andrew) It's just that you're a little heavier than last time...
>Andrew: Cause you look great!
Mike: Her stains are gone and her color didn't fade!
Crow: Just what a little Tide can do!
>Andrew: You don't need to lose a pound!
Tom: (imitating Andrew) Half a pound, yes, but a pound, no!
>Andrew: In fact, I'm going to take you out for a big lunch.
Mike: (imitating Serena) No, thanks, Andrew. I already had alittle bit of Lunch after breakfast for dinner. Do you know how hard it is to keep that girl from sneezing?
>Serena: Lunch? Oh, really?
Crow: (imitating Serena) She's my FAVORITE after-dinner dessert!
>Andrew: Yup.
Tom: Why didn't DiC use the word 'ja'?
Crow: Cause it's German.
Mike: It would have been shorter.
Crow: But it's German.
Tom: Do you have a problem with Germany?
Crow: Does DiC?
Mike: Oh.
>Serena: Waaahoooo! Woo! Woo! Woohoooo! YUMMY FOOD!
Tom: (imitating Luna) Uh, that really hurts, Serena.
Crow: The [stuff]?
Tom: I was tr--, but th--, well I, uh, di--, an--, oh, screw it! Dumb, anyway!
>Andrew: Hahahahaha!
All: Mama?
>[Serena is walking down a street while eating a donut.]
Mike: See? Clumsy people CAN eat and walk at the same time!
Crow: She ripped 'em off that little kid?
Tom: Those aren't those donuts!
Mike: These are too these donuts!
Tom: But are those those donuts?
Mike: Yes, these are these donuts!
Tom: I know! Where are those donuts?
Mike: These donuts are here!
Tom: So those donuts are there?
Mike: No, these donuts are here!
Crow: Those donuts are here, and these donuts are there!
Mike: Wrong, Crow. These donuts are here, and those donuts are there.
Tom: But you said, that those donuts, and th--, aww, I'll settle for a bearclaw.
>Serena: Mmmm...
Crow: It's time for Campbell's!
>Serena: Oh, boy,
Tom: This oven-baked do-it-yourself pizza is bliss!
>Serena: this is delicious.
All: WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW...
>Serena: I could eat ten of them.
Mike: Now there's one SICK line.
Crow: One little, two little, three little...
Tom: *Study* pals!
Mike: Four little, five little, six little...
Crow: Sharpies!
Tom: Seven little, eight little, nine little...
Mike: *Heroes*!
All: Ten little people who are reading MST3K:DiC by Anchorhead because they have nothing better to do, but Anchorhead's really happy that you're reading this because that means somebody is reading this and it was actually worth writing and writing this takes a long time and Anchorhead doesn't have much time except when he has time to have time to write stuff.
>[Darien arrives, wearing a tuxedo.]
Tom: (imitating Serena) I wonder who might you be...
>Darien: Meatball Head! Maybe I should be calling you Donut Head.
Crow: No, that wouldn't make any sense because her head is not shaped like a donut.
Mike: But Crow has huge hole in his head.
Crow: Where?
Mike: In your head.
Crow: Oh.
>Darien: You're really chowing down.
Crow: (imitating Molly) She already started? That's weird.
Tom: Mike?
Mike: Yeah?
Tom: Did you eat your Chunky Soup?
>Serena: Huh? Tease me all you like, Darien!
Crow: (imitating Darien) Okay, then. You're a fat[stuff] slutty son of a [stuff] who needs [stuff]ing [stuff] to get people in bed with her.
Mike: That was a little extreme, Crow.
Crow: What am I supposed to say? "You're a slim gentle nice cute girl who everyone likes very much"?
Tom: I'm going to take a nap, guys. Wake me up and replace my head when it's over, okay, Mike?
Mike: Sure, buddy.
>Serena: You can't ruin the taste of this donut!
Mike: Unless you take out the sugar!
Crow: Or the fat!
Mike: Or the cholesterol!
Crow: Or the sodium!
>Darien: You're so selfish.
Mike: (imitating Darien) Molly, would you mind if I joined?
Crow: (imitating Molly) Okaaaayyy, Daaariiien!
>Darien: The least you could do is offer me...
Crow: Some of that sweet [stuff]!
Mike: Crow...
Crow: I thought you were gonna stop doing that!
Mike: Sorry. I'm trying to become sick and demented like you.
Crow: Thank you.
>Darien: ...one.
Crow: Sharpie!
Mike: Buy one, get one free!
>Serena: Gladly!
Crow: (imitating Darien) Why, thank you, Serena. Did I mention your meatballs are getting larger?
Mike: That was nasty, Crow.
>[Serena throws the donut at Darien; he catches it with one hand.]
Crow: Then he squeezes it and pulls it and takes a bite of it and sticks his finger through the hole...
>Darien: Thanks, Donut Head.
Mike: (imitating Serena) You're welcome, Muffin.
Crow: Mike, sweetie pie, could you tell me where the [stuff] is?
Mike: Sure, honey bunch, it's behind the [stuff].
>Darien: You know, that wasn't much of a throw.
Crow: (imitating Serena) Yes, Love Muffin, that I know.
Mike: That donut had powder snow.
Crow: Maybe, I should really go.
Mike: Go? I don't think so, Crow.
>Darien: You should start working out.
Crow: (imitating Serena) You very well know what I do for a living! And it's illegal to expose oneself outside!
>Serena: Someday, I'll beam him good,
Mike: Hit by pitch! Advance the runners!
>Serena: and it won't be with a donut!
Crow: Oh! She meant psychologically and/or visually!
Mike: Ouch! Better watch out!
>[Luna jumps onto a mail box near Serena.]
Crow: Insufficient postage, Luna, but I can see why you'd be trying to get out of the country.
Mike: Why, Crow?
Crow: Oh, Mike Nelson, don't you know? Usagi Tsukino is a h--...
Mike: No!
>Luna: Serena?
Tom: (in his sleep) LuuUuUunNnaaa...
Mike: The [stuff]?!
Crow: Hey, leave him alone, Mike.
>Serena: Huh?
Tom: (sleeping) Aaa...Cat-Fist...aaa...Luna...aaa...Usagi...aaa...Magic...aaa...
Mike: Hey, Crow! Listen!
Tom: Aaa...Gypsy...aaa...Mike...aaa...Crow...aaa...Sailor...aaa...Stuff...aaa...
Crow: Hmm?
>Luna: He's right, you know.
Mike: (imitating Serena) No, I don't know, but thanks for telling me. Besides, he's wrong, and so are you, [stuff]!
Crow: But she's a cat, not a dog!
Mike: Bite me!
>Luna: I've never seen you wolf...
Mike: There's your member of the canine family.
Crow: Bite me.
>Luna: ...down so many donuts.
Mike: (imitating Luna) Nor have I seen you wolfing down so many donuts while doing nuts!
Crow: Hey!
>Serena: Buzz off!
Crow: It's still vibrating. I don't think it's voice-operated.
Mike: Crow...
>Luna: Reaeaeaer! [Luna jumps away.]
Mike: (imitating disgruntled postal employee) That's right, you jack[stuff] cat! Get off the government owned property specifically for the use of collecting letters and [stuff].
Crow: Geesh, Mike. You are disgruntled.
>[Serena throws a wrapper at Luna.]
Mike: Hey, I guess Luna's all wrapped up! Thank you!
>[Serena and Luna are sitting on a bench in the park.]
Crow: (imitating Luna) Press! Hey, that's half a pound too heavy! Aaaaaahh!
Mike: Okay, they're in Japan. It's about time we start referring to that half pound as .227 kilograms.
>Serena: What's wrong with me, Luna?
Mike: (imitating Serena) Don't you love me anymore? Is it because I'm fat?
Crow: (imitating Luna) Now, now, Serena, you're really pretty.
Mike: (imitating Serena) Yeah, pretty stupid. You deserve better.
>Serena: How come I never have any discipline or self-control?
Crow: (imitating Luna) Because you just can't help being irresponsible and you won't stop fooling around!
Mike: (imitating Serena) But Luna, weren't you the last...
>Luna: Well, not eating's certainly not going to solve your problem!
Mike: (imitating Serena) But you're my problem, Luna!
Crow: (imitating Luna) Exactly!
Mike: Uh, Crow, what'd you mean by that?
Crow: I, uh, um, er, eh, mm, BITE ME, MIKE! JUST BITE ME!
Mike: Whoa, Crow, settle down, you might wake Servo.
>Serena: I ate!
Mike: I nine!
Crow: I ten!
>Luna: I'll say!
Mike: You'll?
Crow: Seriously?
>Luna: You were a total piglet at the restaurant!
Mike: And you were full of Pooh, too!
Crow: (imitating Tigger) Cause that's what tiggers do best!
Mike: Hmm?
Crow: You see, they do, and, oh, forget it.
>Luna: And then you went and bought those donuts!
Crow: From Hostess!
Mike: Where's the cream filling?
>[Serena's eyes widen.]
Mike: Hey, it looks pretty cool when an anime character's eyes get even bigger.
Crow: I'll say.
>Luna: How many of those did you pack away?
Mike: (imitating Serena) I'm pretty sure it's however many I bought minus the one I gave Darien minus any you ate minus however many I have left.
Crow: That makes perfect sense.
Mike: That's just common sense.
>Serena: Let me see here, I ate 1, 2, 3, 4, okay, 5...
Mike: 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0, -1, 2, -3, 4, 34, 79423, 67236549, 9234623523656165625161241645166, 67126176146273878761614641681762876028...
Crow: What was that?
Mike: That was just nonsense.
>Serena: Am I going to turn into a donut?
Crow: No.
>Luna: You see, if you just kept to your normal eating habits,
Mike: You would have gained three-fourths of a pound!
Crow: Or seven-eighths!
Mike: Or fifteen-sixteenths!
>Luna: you wouldn't have been starving so much!
Crow: Although she would have been a fat lady!
Mike: Shut up, Crow! No more fat lady jokes!
>Serena: (imagining a bloated Serena) Oh, man, this is real bad!
Crow: I think she needs some Ex-Lax!
>Serena: Oh, I'm a blimp!
Mike: I'm sure Goodyear would hire you! Oh!
Crow: What a beautiful aerial shot, Mike!
>Luna: You're not fat, and you're not a blimp.
Mike: Therefore, implying that she's not a fat blimp.
Crow: Maybe, she's a half pound obese hot air balloon.
>Luna: Serena, it's time you get your mind back on what's important,
Mike: Making beaver tails into Oreo cookies and squirrel innards into pudding!
Crow: The [stuff]?
>Luna: which is fighting the Negaverse!
Mike: And That-you-are...
Tom: (in his sleep) Aaa...That-you-are...aaa.... Mike! Crow! (wakes up)
Crow: What's wrong, Tom?
Tom: Huh? Oh, bad dream, that's all.
Mike: What happened?
Tom: I forgot, but something bad's...
>Luna: (yelling) You're obsessed with dieting!
Mike: And you're obsessed with ocean whitefish, catnip, string, "The Corner", and some alley cat the Japanese call Bob!
>Serena: Quit screeching!
Tom: (imitating Samuel Powers) What? Somebody call?
Crow: No! Pain!
Tom: (imitating Samuel Powers) Could I interest you fine folks in a 007 spooferino?
Mike: Huh? What do you mean?
Tom: (imitating Samuel Powers) Oh, I work for my uncle, Austin Powers.
Crow: Okay, Servo. You didn't mean Screech from "Saved By the Bell."
>Serena: I hear you!
Crow: I see you! And I don't believe you!
>Luna: That's news to me.
Mike: Extra! Extra!
Tom: Read all about it!
Crow: SERENA HEARS LUNA!!! In other news, the Earth blew up.
>Serena: I'm not listening to you anymore!
Mike: (imitating Luna) That's due to the fact that I'm not talking to you anymore, Serena! Serena? Serena! Are you listening to me?
>Serena: I'm becoming a blimposaurus!
Tom: (imitating paleontologoist) Blimposaurus: Evolved 200 million years ago during the Triassic Period. Carnivorous. Loud. Big. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. The champion of justice. Evolves into Blimposaur at Level 32. Evolves into Rumposaur through trade.
>[Serena runs away.]
All: Run away! Run away! RUN AWAY!
>Luna: Wait!
Mike: Room, right? That's where you're going? Oh!
Crow: Nice joke, Mike.
Mike: Thank you, Crow.
>Luna: Don't run away!
Tom: Run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away, run away, but don't run away...
Crow: I think you need another nap, Servo.
Tom: ...run away, but don't run away...
>Luna: We've got Sailor business to discuss!
Mike: Our last quarter production of Sailors has caused a gradual increase in stock value. Our net profits are at an all-time high, and Sailors are more popular than ever.
Crow: The new Sailor software lin has been selling like hotcakes. The new 433 MHz animation quality is the key to the programs' success.
Tom: The Sailor MSTing series by Anchorhead needs much better advertising.
Mike: So no one's reading this?
Crow: You're right! We need a link to Yahoo! now!
>Serena: I can't! I have to work out!
Mike: I thought she said she wasn't listening anymore...
Crow: So she has to work out and play in?
Tom: Ewww...
>[Weight room.]
Mike: I hate waiting rooms. You have to sit there for a few hours, only to be escorted to another waiting room.
Tom: Uh, Mike, it's a weight room.
Mike: Oh, okay. WEIGHTER! We're ready to order!
Crow: (sighs)
>[Serena is pedaling very quickly on an exercise bike.]
Crow: Pedaling is hardly what I'd call it...
Mike: Crow!
>Luna: (looking inside through a window) Oh, dear.
Tom: (imitating Luna) I loaned Serena two *buck*s to see Bambi. I'd better get my *doe* back.
Crow: Good job, Tom.
Tom: Thanks, Crow.
>Luna: It's even worse than I thought.
Mike: Well, it can't be odd worse, now can it?
>Luna: Who's that?
Mike: (imitating Jedite) I'm Jed. I'll show you around today. Have you been here before?
>[Luna sees Haruna.]
Tom: Figuring who Luna's looking at, I'd say that's Haruna.
Crow: Doesn't anyone remember That-you-are?
Mike: Of course we do. DiC's just not referring to *it* or that anymore.
Crow: Oh.
>Luna: That's Serena's teacher!
Crow: Who's named Haruna! Shock!
>Luna: She looks like she's in a trance.
Tom: But instead she's in your pants!
Mike: Crow!
Crow: I didn't say anything, Mike. But good rhyme, Tom!
>Luna: I'd better check it out.
Mike: (imitating librarian) Just don't forget that it's due in four weeks!
Crow: (whispering) Shhhh! This is a libary!
>[Haruna walks downstairs to the relaxation pod room.]
Tom: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mike: Mama?
Crow: The [stuff]? What's so [stuff] funny?
Tom: Don't you get it?
Mike: Yeah, Crow, don't you know?
Crow: Uh, sure, now I get it, heh, uh, okay.
>[Luna follows.]
Mike: (singing) Following the teacher!
Crow: (singing) The teacher, the teacher!
Mike: (singing) Following the teacher!
Crow: (singing) Wherever she may go!
Tom: (making sound effects) Tee-dum! Tee-dee! Tee-dum-tee-dee-dum-dee-hey!
>Luna: Reaow!
Tom: Luna's in the Cat-Fist!
Crow: When Luna's in the Cat-Fist, she's invincible!
Mike: When Mike is in the Mike-Fist, he's ticked off!
Tom: Are you in the Mike-Fist?
>Luna: (voice over) I'm getting strange vibrations down here.
Crow: If you don't like those vibrations, turn it off!
Mike: CROW!
Tom: (singing) Good, good, good, good vibrations!
Mike: ...
>Luna: Hmm? What is that?
Crow: Either Haruna or That-you-are.
Mike: No... It's a relaxation pod room with Haruna and Jedite.
Crow: I'm confused.
Mike: That you are.
Crow: Huh?
Mike: I just said, "That-you-are is evil."
>[Jedite is standing in the room watching Haruna in one of the pods.]
Crow: It's not polite to watch someone do that, Jedite!
Mike: Crow!
>Jedite: (laughs) So nice to see you back, Ms. Haruna.
Tom: (imitating Jedite) And wouldn't it be much nicer to see you front, eh?
Mike: Tom...
>Jedite: I'm afraid your teaching days will soon be over.
Crow: And your stripping days will soon begin...
Mike: Guys, enough!!!
>Luna: (to herself) Oh! Jedite!
Crow: (very nastily) Oh! That fee--
Mike: CROOOOOOOOW!!!!
Crow: That's one 'o'!
Tom: Uh, could someone please fix my head?
Katherine Thompson was an ordinary fourteen-year-old girl endowed with telepathic, telekinetic, extra-sensory, and psychic powers, whose incredible scientific ingenuity, extremely quick train of thought, and mathematical accuracy mixed in with her friendly attitude and dedicated responsibility.
She sensed something.
"I sense something," she said.
"Are you sure that's not gas?" her guardian cat, Apollo, asked.
"Shut up, wise[stuff]!" she answered. "Danger approaches. I have to go." She unlocked the front door.
"Wait up, Katherine!" Apollo said as he went to join Katherine.
Katherine retrieved her transformation pen. She raised it into the air and shouted, "STUFF STAR POWER, MAKE UP!"
SATELLITE OF LOVE: HOLOGAMEROOM (HECK)
After replacing Tom's head, Mike decided to relax in the HECK. Tom and Crow decided to join him. And what better way to relax than with relaxation pods.
Mike learned that Magic had already whipped up a relaxation pod/bacta tank program during Christmas vacation. Although she warned him that it could have a few bugs, he took his chances.
For about five minutes, Mike and the bots were in suspended animation in the relaxation pods (each of them in a different pod). Then, a huge power surge struck.
Magic reverted to emergency backup power supply, and awoke Mike and the bots. Gypsy banged on the jammed door of the HECK.
"What happened, Magic?" Crow asked.
"I can't tell right now, guys," Magic responded. "Something bad from what I can tell."
"Magic, I guess we're going to have to leave the program," Mike said.
"Sorry, Mike, but the program won't shut down," Magic said.
"WHAT?!" Mike asked in disbelief.
"SHE SAID SORRY, MIKE, BUT THE PROGRAM WON'T SHUT DOWN!!!" Tom yelled.
"I'd say it's one of the bugs in the program," Magic told them.
"Those aren't bugs," Crow said slowly. "Those are...RELAXATION POD PEOPLE!"
The hideous looking creatures climbed out of the relaxation pods. Four in number, the pod people approached Mike and the bots.
Mike, drawing and activating his lightsaber, yelled, "Transform! NOW!"
"CROW PRISM POWER!"
"SERVO STAR POWER!"
"MAGIC VOICE ETERNAL!"
"MAKE UP!"
Crow spun around a few times. The initials MST were written in large print on his chest.
Tom spun around a few times. The initials MST were written in large print sideways on his neck.
"We are the Sailor Bots," Sailors Crow, Servo, and Magic Voice chanted, "the champions of justice. We will MiST bad [stuff] and triumph over evil, and that means YOU! On behalf of the SOL and all decency, we will punish you!"
Eternal Sailor Magic Voice quickly initiated her Magic Voice Mozart Attack. It didn't affect the Pod People at all.
Sailor Crow used his buzzsaw to dismember one of the Pod People. However, the limbs quickly grew back.
Sailor Servo used his metal bar to beat down one of the Pod People. The Pod Person somehow broke through the metal to stand back up.
Mike wielded his lightsaber to slice through the Pod People. They resealed their wounds.
Sailor Servo used his Servo Stampeding Kangaroo to charge at the Pod People. He went straight through them.
Sailor Crow used a new attack, the Crow Radioactive Uranium Dissemination (CRUD for short). He managed to down one of the Pod People and kill it.
Eternal Sailor Magic Voice decided on her next attack, Magic Voice Ghetto Blast. The attack was much louder than the other, and shook the Pod People up a bit, but it coul not defeat the remaining three monsters.
Sailor Servo used his Servo Iceberg Storm. The Pod People froze.
Mike slashed his lightsaber through the frozen Pod People. That only seemed to help them out.
Eternal Sailor Magic Voice cried out, "Guys! Hide in the pods!"
Mike and the Sailor Bots did as Eternal Sailor Magic Voice suggested. Then Sailor Magic Voice yelled out, "MAGIC VOICE SONIC SIMULATION!"
The [stuff] powerful sound waves shook the SOL. At an excruciating loud 240 decibels, the Pod People were destroyed.
Sailor Magic transformed back. She ended the program, and the metallic walls of the HECK reappeared. Sailors Servo and Crow transformed back to their civilian identities.
"So much for relaxation pods..." Mike commented.
RANMACHAN DOCKING BAY
Sailor Stuff boarded her personal X-wing, Blue 8, placing Apollo on her lap. She lowered the cockpit shield and powered up the thrusters. Soon, she would be in battle again.
SATELLITE OF LOVE: BRIDGE
"We're under attack!" Gypsy informed Mike. "An Interdictor-class Cruiser!"
"Can you and Magic hold them off?" Mike asked.
"Only for a while. Why?"
"I have a feeling we're going to have..."
Suddenly, red lights flashed and sirens rang out.
"OH," Mike yelled out. "WE'VE GOT DiC DUB SIGN!"
Door 6 is made of Play-Doh. You play with it and make animals that don't look like animals.
Door 5 is made of ice cream. You lick it and do stuff with it before it melts and drips on your feet.
Door 4 is Richard Simmons. He freaks you out by singing "Shake Your Bootie" and you run to
Door 3.
Door 3 is Susan Powder. She really scares you. You get past by shining her head for a dime.
Door 2 is a cardboard figure of DudeDude2. You wonder who the [stuff] he is.
Door 1 is Jenny Craig. You ask for her number.
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.
Mike walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Mike takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The dub continues.
>[Serena is still on the exercise bike.]
Tom: Hey, I thought she was on the exercise trike!
Crow: Maybe this exercise bike has training wheels.
>Luna: Serena! [Luna knocks Serena off the bike.]
Tom: Luna knocked off Serena. We can go now!
Mike: Sorry, guys, but the doors are still locked.
>Serena: I was burning fat!
Crow: Although fat is not flammable...
Mike: I think she meant burning fat in the sense of burning fat.
Crow: I know. Fat is not flammable.
Tom: She meant losing fat, Crow.
Crow: Then why did she have to say "burning fat." Why didn't she say "losing fat"?
Mike: Because fat is somehow converted to something else and is not necessarily lost.
Crow: Then Tom, how can she lose fat?
Tom: I meant she meant she converted the fat into a different form for use by the body as a source of energy.
Crow: But isn't the Negaverse draining all their energy?
Mike: Yes. They're draining the fat along with it.
Crow: Then why is fat bad?
Tom: Because too much or too little of something can be harmful.
Crow: Why?
>Luna: Meow! Meow! Meow!
All: (singing) Meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow!
>[Luna runs out of the weight room into the hall.]
Crow: She's going out to get some of her own Meow Mix tonight.
Tom: Is there a weight room in the Clue mansion?
Mike: Which one, the regular one or the Master Detective one?
Tom: Either.
Mike: No.
>Serena: Luna! Come back!
Tom: You're not old enough to cross the street by yourself!
>[Serena follows Luna.]
>Serena: Luna?
Crow: Oh, come on, Luna, ready or not, here I come!
Mike: Ewww...
Crow: What did I do?
>Luna: Eoweaeow! [Luna jumps toward Serena.]
Tom: (imitating Luna) Oh, you just couldn't weight, I mean wait for me in the weight room, I mean, waiting room, now could you?
>Serena: This better be good.
Crow: (imitating Luna) Don't worry, Serena, this'll be better than ever before!
Mike: Crow!
Crow: WHAT?!
>Serena: Whatcha do?
Tom: Whatcha do when they came for you? Oh, thank you!
>Serena: Catch rabies?
Mike: No, I only caught one raby. Thank you very much!
>[Luna jumps on Serena.]
Crow: You know that might not be illegal in Japan, although it probably is, but jumping on someone else without their permission is just not right!
Mike: Crow...
>Luna: Eow!
Tom: I struck oil!
Mike: Tom!
>Serena: Luna!
Crow: Get off of my, um, er, where you really shouldn't, well, uh, be.
Mike: *Talent*s, Crow, they're *talent*s.
>Luna: Just be quiet!
Mike: (imitating Serena) Who's talking, smart[stuff]?
>Luna: You're going to listening to me, Serena, and you're going to listen good!
Crow: (imitating Serena) I'm not listening to you anymore, in which case I never heard this and I'm not doing whatever you said about me while I wasn't listening to you. What was it you said about me? Speak up, I'm not listening to you!
>Luna: Understand?
All: No.
>[Luna threatens Serena with her claws.]
Mike: (imitating Claw) I'll get you, Gadget, if it's the last thing I do! Hahahahaha!
>Serena: Uh, huh!
Mike: (singing) That's the way...
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) ...I like it!
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) That's the way...
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Mike: (singing) ...I like it!
Crow: (singing) Uh, huh. Uh, huh.
Tom: (making sound effects) Doo-doo-dooooo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doooooooo...
>Luna: The Negaverse is behind this whole thing!
Tom: (imitating Luna) But since you ate the whole thing, we have no defense and we're powerless!
Mike: (imitating Serena) I ate the whole thing! I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
>Luna: They've got an energy sucking machine downstairs.
Crow: The machine sucks energy.
Mike: Crow...
Crow: Or it just plain sucks.
Mike: Crow!
Crow: See? I told you Beryl's plan sucks!
Mike: CROW!!!
>Serena: No way!
All: (imitating Molly) Yes waaaaiiiiiy!
>Serena: That's the relaxation room!
Crow: Exactly! Didn't I say Beryl's pl--
Mike: That's enough, Crow!
>Luna: Aaarggh! I am telling you! It's them!
Crow: (imitating Luna) They're those great nice people dudes you met at the jewelry store.
Tom: (imitating Serena) No, I'm sure we've seen them somewhere else. Was it the radio station?
>[Luna still threatens Serena with her claws.]
Mike: Geesh, M.A.D. must be pretty upset with somebody...
>Serena: I guess we should check it out, huh?
Tom: (imitating Luna) I'm pretty sure you need a library card, Serena. Do you have one?
>Luna: It's Sailor business, Serena.
Mike: This fiscal year's portion of DiC stock steadily raised in value last month due to an overwhelmingly high audience to the new 17 dubbed episodes of "Sailor Moon."
Crow: An excessively large number of petitions have been going around and many letters sent to various names in the entertainment industry in an attempt to acquire more episodes.
Tom: The production of a "Sailor Moon" live action feature with the help of Disney remains a possibility depending on the success of this summer's "Inspector Gadget" live action feature.
>Serena: MOON PRISM POWER! [transformation]
>[Relaxation room.]
Crow: BEWARE THE POD PEOPLE!
>[Haruna is being drained of energy by one of the relaxation pods.]
Tom: See, Mike? It's sucking the energy right out of her.
Mike: Yes, I see.
>Jedite: This will definitely be her last treatment.
Crow: Yes, she maxed out her charge card so she can't afford getting drained anymore.
Mike: What kind of line is that anyway? Treatment? Since when has the Negaverse been treating people?
Tom: Since Milk-Bone has been making their new People-Snax (TM) line.
Mike: But they don't...
Tom: My point exactly.
>Sailor Moon: You let her go, right now!
Mike: (imitating Jedite) But I'm not ra--I mean, I'm not holding her in my hand!
>Jedite: Huh?
All: SHE SAID YOU LET HER GO, RIGHT NOW!!!!
>Moon: Game's over, buddy!
Tom: It's my turn to catch all 151 Pokemon!
Crow: You went bankrupt! Ha! You owe me $2250 in Monopoly money!
Mike: Well, it looks as if we're going into overtime...
>Moon: I know you.
All: (imitating Moon) You're dumb.
>Moon: You're working for the Negaverse!
Mike: I'm sure Jedite found that out by now.
>Jedite: Oh, there must be some mistake!
Crow: How can I get a subpoena to testify as a witness for a lynching at the homeless str--Crown Game Center?
Mike: Good save, Crow.
>Moon: No mistake.
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Yes mistake!
Tom: (imitating Moon) No mistake!
Mike: Are we having a MiST steak?
Crow & Tom: Only if we have some cake.
Mike: Cake and steak?
Crow & Tom: Cake and steak.
>Moon: I am Sailor Moon, and I am the champion of justice!
Mike: And I am Mike Nelson, sworn defender of decency and fighter against evil!
Crow: And I am Crow T. Robot, guardian of the SOL and dedicated warrior against the Negaforce!
Tom: And I am Tom Servo, MSTer extraordinaire and devoted soldier for the Light Side of the Force!
>Moon: On behalf of the moon, I shall right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means YOU!
Crow & Tom: On behalf of the SOL and all decency, we will punish you!
>Jedite: Well, boys, it looks like it's time for...
Mike: Your baths! Here boys! Come and get your rubber porkchops! Good boys! Stay! Now for the tick powder!
[The theater fills with a [stuff] of a load of white flea/tick powder.]
Crow: What did you do, Mike?
Tom: (scratching himself) I don't have fleas or ticks or mites...
>Jedite: ...a...
Tom: (singing) Oh! It's time for Animaniacs!
Mike: (singing) And we're zany to the max!
Crow: (singing) So just sit back and relax!
Mike: (singing) You'll laugh till you collapse!
All: (singing) We're Animaniacs!
>Jedite: ...workout,
[Mike and the bots stand up and spread out.]
Mike: Ten jumping jacks! Ready, begin!
All: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9! 10!
[Mike and the bots return to their seats.]
>Jedite: on her!
Mike: Oh, that's disgusting!
Crow: Man, what pervs work for DiC?
>[The buff guys grow larger.]
Tom: Jedite must have used premium formula Miracle-Gro.
>[They attack and surround Sailor Moon.]
Crow: So it's time for group--
Mike: ERRRRRRRR!!!! CROW!!!! SHUT UP!
>Moon: Wow! They didn't look this big before!
Crow: The wonders of implants!
Mike: CROW! Before I kick you!
>Jedite: Have a good workout, Miss Moon!
Tom: I'm sure she will, Mister Jedite!
>[Jedite is holding a ball of energy.]
Mike: Straight from the spleen!
[The theater shakes violently. Mike and the bots fasten their seatbelts.]
Crow: Hurry up, dub! We're under attack!
>[Jedite teleports out.]
Mike: Well, who the [stuff] would want to teleport IN to this dump?
Crow & Tom: Not us.
>Moon: Luna, get me out of here now, please!
Crow: (imitating Luna) I'm sorry, Sailor Moon, but on behalf of the moon, I must punish you.
Mike: If you meant anything by that, (kicks Crow hard in the groin) CROW!
>Luna: No. Serena, you are Sailor Moon!
Tom: I think she knows that by now. She's the champion of justice. She must confront evil. She must stand up and fight. Yadda, yadda...
>Luna: You have to stand and fight!
Crow: Mike, did you ever read The Stand?
Mike: Yeah, why?
Crow: Well, I'm sure glad we weren't intoxicated by the [stuff].
Tom: Crow, there is more than one way to suffer.
Mike: True.
>Luna: Be brave!
All: (doing the Atlanta chop thing) Oooo-o-o-o-o-ooo-oo-oo-o-o-o-o-ooo-o-ooo-o-o-oo-o-oo-o!
>Luna: Use your tiara!
Tom: (imitating Luna) Maybe you can bribe them with it.
>Luna: You can beat them!
Mike: (imitating Luna) Well, not really, but it wouldn't hurt to show a little effort...
>[Moon runs away; Luna follows.]
All: Run away! Run away!
>[The buff guys chase after them.]
Tom: Oh, no! They jumped into their 250 horsepower Chevy Blazer! Thank you!
Crow & Mike: (stare at Tom)
Tom: Don't you get it? Chevy Blazer and Chase; Chevy Chase? Get it?
Crow & Mike: (stare at Tom)
>Luna: Hey, wait!
Tom: I thought it was, "Hey, weight!" Oh, I'm good!
Crow & Mike: (still stare at Tom)
Tom: What?!
>Luna: What are you doing, Serena?
Tom: (imitating Serena) FYI, I'm doing a Pod Person.
Mike: (stares at Tom, turns to Crow, then turns back to stare at Tom again)
>Moon: What's it look like, Luna?
Tom: A Sharpie.
Crow & Mike: (look at each other, turn back to stare at Cambot)
Reader (You): (wonders what the [stuff] is going on and waits until Crow & Mike start riffing again)
Cambot: (sits there taping the MSTing)
Gypsy: (dog-fighting in her A-wing with a bunch of TIE Defenders and Advanced x1's out somewhere in time and space)
>Luna: What about Ms. Haruna?
Tom: Well, you know, I like her style, but she's not my type...
Mike: Servo...
Crow: Thank you for breaking the silence, Mike.
>Luna: You have to save her.
Tom: (imitating Moon) Fine, but I'm pretty sure I set Corel WP to auto-save every five minutes.
>[Moon and Luna stop running.]
Mike: Does that mean the big buff guys in scary outfits stop chasing them?
Crow: Maybe. Why else would they stop running?
Tom: Maybe they got tired.
Mike: But they're not sitting down or lying down.
Crow: All this thinking makes me hungry. Anyone want a *hero*?
Tom: I'll take one!
Crow: (unfastens his seatbelt, walks over to the vending machine and selects a *hero*)
>Moon: Ms. H! You're right! She's still in there!
Crow: She's STILL getting sucked?
Mike: Crow!
Crow: (selects *hero* again) I'm serious though. Wouldn't you think a teacher would be smart enough to notice she's dying?
Tom: Not if she's in suspended animation.
Crow: (walking back to his seat) Oh, you're right.
>[Moon turns around.]
Crow: (sits down and fastens his seatbelt)
Mike & Tom: (turn around) Cambot, what is back there?
[The theater again shakes violently.]
Gypsy: (over intercom) Guys, hurry up! We've been hit!
Magic: We're already using up our auxiliary power!
Mike: We'll try, guys!
>[She punches one buff guy in the stomach.]
Tom: Someone drank her Hawaiian Punch.
Crow: (speedily eats his *hero*)
>[She kicks another in the face.]
Mike: (slaps Crow)
Crow: What was that for?
Mike: Just felt like it.
>[She dodges the other buff guy's attack.]
Tom: So was that the Dodge Intrepid, the Dodge Stratus, the Dodge Ram, or the Dodge Caravan?
>[His weight hits the energy storage device on top of the relaxation pods.]
Mike: Thus losing all of Haruna's sucked energy, causing Haruna to be sucked even worse. She dies, Sailor Moon feels really bad, Serena is expelled from school, and Luna kills her. The end.
>Moon: You guys need an attitude adjustment!
Mike: (imitating Big Buff Guy in Scary Outfit) We guys get our attitude adjusted free! Neat-o! I feel like surfing, dude guy!
>Moon: MOON TIARA MAGIC! [The attack hits all three buff guys.]
Tom: Hey, guys, did you guys get hit by that guy's thing?
Crow: Yeah, guys, I got hit by that guy's thing too also.
Mike: Come on, guys. Those guys aren't acting like buff guys, are they? Guys? Guys???
>Moon: Hey, guys! You all right?
Tom: They said "guys" again!
Crow: (imitating Han) Yeah, we're fine, fine, here, now, uh. How are you?
>Big Buff Guy in Scaryu Outfit #1: What happened, you guys? I'm feeling woozy!
Tom: I'm going to freak out if they say "guys" again.
Crow: Hey, doesn't "Woozy" sound like one of the Seven Dwarfs?
Mike: (stares at Crow)
Crow: Not that again.
[The theater shakes more violently than before.]
Mike: (over intercom) Don't worry, Gyps. We're almost through.
>Moon: I'm glad they're not real bad guys.
Tom: ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
Crow: Are real bad guys made out of 99.99% pure metal or what?
Mike: What?
>[Negaverse. Jedite is gathering the energy he collected.]
Crow: So does he have a complete set of energy?
Mike: Crow...
Crow: What did I do now?
Mike: You used the word "set".
Crow: So?
>Beryl: Jedite, you were forced to abandon the plan much sooner than anticipated.
Mike: (imitating Jedite) Don't rub it in! That bites!
>Beryl: Jedite, I'm disappointed.
Crow: (imitating Beryl) Jedite, I have given you numerous chances, and not once have you been able to please me.
Mike: Crow...
Tom: (imitating Beryl) Jedite, if you ever want to see yourself in charge, you had better not fool around as you did in one of the episodes DiC cut!
Mike: Tom...
Crow: (imitating Beryl) You had better fool around more sophistically.
Mike: Crow!
>Beryl: How is it that we were discovered so soon?
Mike: (imitating Jedite) It is my fault. I planted our headquarters near Columbus' three ships. I'm so sorry!
>Jedite: I'm not exactly sure, my queen.
Tom: ERRRRRRRR!
Crow: (imitating Jedite) But I'm sure you didn't use your Sure! Pee-eww!
>Jedite: But that Sailor Moon is getting on my nerves!
Mike: (imitating Jedite) Pretty soon, she'll be on my lymph nodes, then my capillaries, and then my...
Crow: (imitating Jedite) Oh! I really don't think you should be there, Serena.
Mike: CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
>[Serena's bathroom. Serena is in the bathtub.]
Tom: (imitating Molly) Can I come in now?
Crow: (imitating Serena) But I'm not really covered right now...
Mike: Guys...
Tom: (imitating Molly) I'm aware of that, Serena! You're cat's kind of been scratching at the door...
Mike: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!
>Serena: This is bliss!
Crow: (imitating Melvin) Did anyone, see me, Serena?
Mike: (unfastens seatbelt and gets up) I'm leaving, guys. This has gotten much too sick for me.
>Mom: Serena, are you almost finished?
Tom: (imitating Serena) Yes, if you know what I mean...
Mike: (walks to Door ½) Goodbye, guys.
>Serena: Mom, why?
Mike: Because a certain someone can't get out of a certain theater until a certain DiC dub ends!
>Mom: Because your brother's been waiting quite a while.
Tom: (imitating Sammy) Oh, man, do I have to, ugh, pee!
>Serena: All right, tell him I'll be out in a minute!
Crow: 59! 58! 57! 56!
>Mom: Okay, thanks!
Mike: What did Serena do for her mom?
Tom: Answered her question.
Mike: Okay, thanks.
>[Mom goes out into the hall.]
Crow: (imitating Serena) All right, everybody, the coast is clear! Molly, Melvin, Ms. H, Molly's mom, Fro, Morga, Jedite, Brandy, Chubby, the fat lady, Luna, Serena's dad...
Mike: You are one nasty bot, Crow.
>Sammy: I'm not really waiting around here to take a bath, you know.
Mike: Yes, I think that she does know. He's waiting so he can go.
>Mom: Well, then, what are you waiting for?
Tom: (imitating Sammy) I'm going to take a shower!
>Mom: Is something wrong?
Crow: (imitating Mom) Did I miss a decimal place? Are my significant figures incorrect? Did I round wrong? What?
>Sammy: No, just playing a practical joke on her.
Crow: (imitating Sammy) When she tries to open the bathroom door, buckets full of Preparation H will shoot at her through Super Soakers!
>[Serena screams.]
Crow: (imitating Sammy) Oops. That wasn't Preparation H. It was Monistat 3.
>[Serena is sitting on the bathroom floor.]
Tom: She likes the feel of the tile against her butt.
Mike: Tom, she has a towel!
Tom: Oh, bite me!
>Serena: Aaaaaaaah! This can't be!
Tom: It can see!
Crow: It can dee!
Mike: It can ee!
>Serena: I don't weigh 300 pounds!
Mike: (imitating Serena) I should weigh 299.5 lbs. I lost that half a pound I gained!
>Serena: Mama!
All: Hahahaha?
Crow: That didn't work well, did it?
>Serena: I broke the bathroom scale!
Tom: That's probably bathroom scales measure the weight of bathrooms, not people.
>SAILOR SAYS
>Moon: Starving yourself and exercising till you drop is not a smart way to lose weight.
Tom: Yes, you should be starving other people too, and exercising until you're DEHYDRATED.
>Moon: Like a car without gas,
Crow: You can't get turned on unless you have lots of energy...
Mike: Crow! It's the Sailor Says!
>Moon: our bodies can't run without food.
Tom: And neither can yours.
>Luna: Good nutritional food.
Crow: Or fat[stuff] junk food.
>Moon: If you think you need to lose weight,
Tom: A second. Although it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, you should still try your best.
>Moon: talk to someone who really knows, like a doctor.
Crow: Except I would suggest you not speak to Dr. Kevorkian.
>Moon: It could save your life!
Tom: Unless you talk to Dr. Kevorkian.
>Moon: And please remember,
Crow: To put the seat down after using the john. Thank you, and good night!
>Moon: real beauty really does come from inside.
Mike: They call it the spleen; now let's move it!
"This is SOL 4, Gypsy. Do you copy, SOL Leader?" Gypsy asked over the comm.
"This is SOL Leader," Mike replied. "I hear you, loud and clear, Gyps. All wings, report in!"
"This is SOL 2, standing by," Crow said over the comm from his B-wing.
"This is SOL 3, standing by," Servo said from his B-wing.
"Lock S-Foils into position!" Mike blared over the comm.
Mike's X-wing and the bots' B-wings locked into attack position.
Soon, eight TIE Interceptors streamed from the Interdictor, which slowly approached the SOL. Mike and the bots engaged the TIEs.
"This is SOL 2. I've got two in sight, but their using the Tallon Roll! I can't lock on them!"
"This is SOL Leader. Crow, use the Corellian Slip to get out of there!"
Mike made a fancy maneuver to get behind one of the TIEs. He opened fire, and the TIE exploded.
Servo drew fire from two of the TIEs, but he used his jammer to screw the TIEs communications. The last thing the two TIE pilots heard before colliding into one another was Richard Simmons singing "Shake Your Bootie."
"This is SOL 4. You'll never believe whose Interdictor that is!"
"This is SOL Leader. Whose?"
No answer.
"SOL 4, do you copy?
"This is SOL 2. Gypsy's comm got taken out!"
"[STUFF] IT!" Mike yelled over the comm.
In addition to the five Interceptors already there, the Interdictor released a dozen TIE Advanced x1's, six TIE Defenders, four TIE Bombers, and nine TIE/ln's.
"This is SOL 3. This is not looking good."
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN TIME AND SPACE
Blue 8, Sailor Stuff's personal starfighter, approached the dogfight.
"Eyetoo! Lock the foils into position!" Sailor Stuff told her astromech unit. The X-wing's S-Foils locked into fighting position.
"Apollo," Sailor Stuff said, "we're approaching an Interdictor with 36 small fighters. Time to use those supernatural powers you gave me!"
SOMEWHERE IN TIME AND SPACE
"This is SOL Leader. I sense something. Someone's coming!"
Nearly simultaneously, twenty-four TIEs blew up. All remaining were three TIE/ln's and nine TIE Advanced's.
An X-Wing with blue marks on the wings flew by the Interdictor.
"This is Blue 8!" the pilot said. "Does someone need my help?"
"This is SOL 2. Who the [stuff] are you?!"
Blue 8 flew past three or four TIEs, destroying each one with only a few laser blasts.
"This is SOL 3. Where did you learn to shoot?"
"Thank you, Apollo," Sailor Stuff said. "Now watch this."
"This is SOL 3. She's kicking everyone's [stuff]!"
Servo took down one TIE with an Enchanced Laser Cannon. Crow managed to make a kill using a concussion missile.
"This is SOL Leader. I just saw Gypsy's A-wing dock with the SOL."
Sailor Stuff finished off the rest of the TIEs using her sweet maneuvers and excellent marksmanship. The SOL fighters docked with the Satellite of Love.
"Looks as if our job is done here," Sailor Stuff commented.
"Wait!" Apollo yelled. "The Interdictor is approaching the SOL!"
"Oh, [STUFF]!" Sailor Stuff cursed.
She jammed the throttle to 100% and flew toward the satellite.
Mike and the bots were getting ready to take a well deserved nap, when Gypsy informed them of a problem.
"The Interdictor is using its tractor beam!" she told them excitedly. "We're being taken captive."
"Did you tell me whose ship that was?" Mike asked.
Tom noticed a light flashing. "We have a call from the Interdictor."
INTERDICTOR: BRIDGE
"Sir, they've responded to the transmission."
"Good, tell them that we're going to take them captive and torture them. I want Stormtroopers down there to kill them all. No prisoners."
"Yes, my lord."
SATELLITE OF LOVE: DOCKING BAY
Blue 8 docked with SOL right before the Interdictor completely engulfed them.
Sailor Stuff said, "They will pay."
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"[STUFF], NO!" Mike yelled. "YOU'RE NOT DOING [STUFF] WITH US!"
"Mike," Gypsy said. "Blue 8 docked with the SOL right before we were captured."
"Ah, another prisoner?" the corporal asked.
"[STUFF] NO!" Crow cursed. "SHE'S GONNA KICK YOUR [STUFF]!"
"Oh, a little girl!" the corporal scoffed. "Maybe I can get some action before I kill you all."
Just then, a whole mess of Imperial Stormtroopers invaded the bridge.
"Transform!" Mike yelled.
"SERVO STAR POWER!"
"CROW PRISM POWER!"
"GYPSY PLANET POWER!"
"MAGIC VOICE ETERNAL!"
"MAKE UP!" the bots shouted in unison. They all spun around a few times. The initials MST were written in large print on each of their bodies.
"We are the Sailor Bots, the champions of justice. We will MiST bad [stuff] and triumph over evil, and that means YOU! On behalf of the SOL and all decency, we will punish you!"
They engaged the Stormtroopers. Eternal Sailor Magic Voice initiated her Ghetto Blast to send a few Stormtroopers into oblivion. Sailor Servo used his Stampeding Kangaroo, and Sailor Crow, his CRUD, to dismember and/or kill many of the troopers. Sailor Gypsy used her poisonous mushroom burrito to infect and destroy a number of the Stormtroopers.
Mike drew his lightsaber. He knew he had to settle this one on his own.
The Sailor Bots easily took out all of the troopers. They all transformed back. Then came a man whom they all recognized.
Mike said, "I recall you, That-you-are. I guess you didn't go too far."
That-you-are said, "Oh, Mike, I told you I'd be back. I just returned from my ghetto shack. I hear that you have read The Stand. Maybe you will see this hand."
That-you-are raised his right arm to reveal a bionic right hand.
Mike said, "I am getting tired of you. And you smell like freeze-dried pooh."
That-you-are said, "Make fun, as much as you like. This time, I will kill you, Mike."
Mike said, "I see you brought a big cruise ship. But nonetheless, you're still a dip."
That-you-are said, "Are you done with your speak? Do you want me to chop Crow's beak?"
That-you-are activated his lightsaber.
Mike said, "All right, let's get this over with. Don't act like the Dark Lord of the Sith."
They dueled for a while. Nothing happened.
That-you-are said, "Oh, I'm tired, I will go. But there's something you should know."
The two deactivated their sabers.
That-you-are said, "If you don't file you're Ten-Four-Oh, straight to prison you will go. File the forms, Mike, you must."
That-you-are abruptly knocked Mike's saber out from his hand.
That-you-are said, "And in no one can you trust."
That-you-are activated his saber.
That-you-are said, "I will kill you now and here."
A mysterious voice said, "Then he fell right on his rear."
That-you-are stared at Mike in confusion. Then appeared a young girl with brown hair in a turquoise skirt and Sailor fuku with silver bows. She pushed her arms out, and That-you-are fell on his behind.
She said, "Invited by a new age, equipped with supernatural powers, I am the Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Stuff. I will protect the people of the Earth from scum like YOU! On behalf of goodwill and charity throughout the world, I will punish you!"
That-you-are said, "Hey, that didn't rhyme!"
"So what?" Sailor Stuff remarked. "SAILOR TELEPORT!"
The SOL, Blue 8, and everything aboard were transported back into the orbit of the Earth.
"And for you, That-you-are," Sailor Stuff said, "STUFF EXTREME SUBLIMINATION!"
That-you-are was divided into many moles of individual molecules.
"Thanks, Sailor Stuff, for saving us," Mike thanked.
"Don't mention it," Sailor Stuff said as she embarked upon Blue 8 and took off. Before returning to the Earth, she destroyed the Interdictor by shooting a torpedo up its back side.
"There's something about that girl," Magic thought to herself.
THE END, FOR NOW
This MSTing was completed February 1, 1999.
They just keep getting longer and longer, right?
In my opinion, my host segments are getting better. If you have any comments or criticism, please e-mail me at cchua@sdcoe.k12.ca.us
Katherine Thompson: No offense to anyone named Katherine, or anyone named Thompson, but it was the most generic name I could come up with.
Special Thanks to: Anybody who reads this thing. If you really read it, thank you!
"Wow! They didn't look this big before!"
Keep Circulating the Fansubs...