Carrying on into the new generation of DiC dubs...

Send any comments and criticism to cchua@sdcoe.k12.ca.us

If you are under 18, this fanfic is suitable material for you. There is none of THAT stuff. But to be politically correct, parental discretion IS advised.

"Sailor Moon" and all related stuff are copyrighted by Naoko Takeuchi and all companies involved with her work.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" is copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc.

Any mentions of copyrighted names and other stuff are copyrighted by their respective copyright holders.

All copyrighted names and other stuff are used without permission. Because this is not for profit, I don't think I'm violating any copyright laws (which I probably am).

This incredibly great work of literature and creativity is solely intended for the purpose of entertainment and is NOT to be sold under any circumstance whatsoever. If you are caught selling this, you will be court-martialed, shot, sent to the Russian Front, dunked in the Cursed Spring of Drowned Fish, shown the DiC version of "Sailor Moon" over and over again, encased in carbonite, fed to the almighty Sarlacc, bitten by Mike Tyson, required to do the Macarena, forced to watch every frame of footage from the O.J. Simpson trial with Mike and the bots, and forced to read this MiSTing.

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An Anchorhead Presentation
http://www.oocities.org/Area51/Hollow/5090/

GET READY!

[The Love Theme from MST3K:DiC]
In the not-too-distant future,
Next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Mike,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked for a bunch of anti-moonies,
Just another band of N'Sync loonies.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him,
So they shot him into space.

Mike: Not again!

They'll send him cheesy DiC dubs,
Worse than DBZ. (La-la-la)
Will Mike ever lose his sanity?
We'll just have to wait and see. (La-la-la)
Keep in mind Mike can't control,
Where the DiC dubs begin or end. (La-la-la)
He'll try to put up with all that [stuff],
With the help of his robot friends.

Robot Roll Call!

Cambot: Zoom out!
Gypsy: Buy fansubs!
Tom Servo: Rock on!
Croooow: Hail DiC!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts (La-la-la)
Then remember, it's just a MSTing,
You should really just relax.
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!

(((In Stereo Where Available)))

EPISODE 4

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Open CarKraft!" Crow blared into the receiver of his mic/headphone. The computer typed, OWN MEN DARK SHAFT. Word 2000 underlined it in green.

"What's up, Crow?" Mike asked as he passed his robot pal.

"This [stuff] thing won't work! It'll just type whatever I don't say!"

"Let me see that." Mike donned the headset. "Please open CarKraft."

The familiar opening screen of Crow's new RPG/strategy/etc. game popped on.

"Have to say the magic words, Crow," Mike reminded him.

Servo entered Crow's room. "Bill and Ted are calling," he told them.

Crow replied, "Excellent!"

Mike asked, "The Mads are calling? This soon?"

Tom said, "Yeah, I thought I had enough time to get on battle.net. Hey, is that CarKraft?!"

Crow replied, "Yeah, it's great! You can custom design your own cars, mass produce them, and ram them into other peoples StarCraft factories."

"Sorry, guys, but we're watching a DiC dub," Mike reminded them. "And I'd like for this thing to end as soon as possible..."

"Uh, Mike, the Mads are calling," Gypsy told them as she rolled into Crow's room.

"Yeah, we were just going to go, Gyps," Mike told her.

"See, you can add S-Foils and turbolasers and torpedoes and intruder missiles and Metronome and cheese cannons..."

"Crow, log off," Mike said. "We've got to go..."

Servo remarked, "Maybe you do, but we don't,"

"Just make sure you replace the Glade Plug-in after you're through," Crow said.

"Hey, is that CarKraft?!" Gypsy asked in curiosity.

"Guys, the Mads are calling," Magic informed them.

"Die, Jar_of_mayo!" Crow yelled out. "Take that, Desert Owl!"

"Yeah, I know, Magic..." Mike began.

"Hey, is that CarKraft?!" Magic asked.

"Watch it, Crow!" Servo shouted.

"Shoot your hydrochloric acid warheads!" Gypsy advised.

"Guys?" Mike yelled.

Mike was surprised when Bob Dole walked in the room.

"Liz, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" he said.

"No, sir, you're on the Sateli..." Mike began.

"Hey, is that CarKraft?!" he asked.

Crow quickly typed something as he sped at 208 MPH toward something.

"Hey!" Magic yelled. "Even though I'm just a voice, I know that's not appropriate!"

Mike was even more surprised as he watched well known figures such as Louis XIV, Winston Churchill, Genghis Khan, Barney, Johnny Five, Alex Trebek, Sigmund Freud, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Rumiko Takahashi enter to marvel at the hit game.

Mike said, "Uh, everybody, uh, guys? Guys? The Mads are calling..."

Dr. Forrester waited rather impatiently for Mike to appear on the screen. He wanted to see Mike hurt, hurt bad.

"Coffee, Dr. F?" Frank offered.

"No, Frank," Dr. F declined. "I can't believe you let Mike come down here and screw over the Anti-Tab!"

"At least he killed the IRS dude," Frank said.

"From what I've heard, it was that Sailor Stuff, and she only converted him to individual molecules. He may find a way to regenerate."

"Perhaps..." Frank agreed.

Mike's image appeared on the screen. "Sorry I'm late, Dr. F," he apologized.

"Hey, where are the bots?" Frank asked.

"They're playing CarKraft..."

"CarKraft?!" Frank shouted. He made a dash for the umbiliport.

"Frank!" Dr. Forrester yelled. "Get back here! We have Mike to torture!"

"Aww, can't we go cyber-beat-up people on battle.net?"

"What is with CarKraft anyway?!" Mike asked.

"I'm not exactly sure, since I haven't seen it yet..." Frank responded in a rude tone.

"Shut up, Frank!" Dr. Forrester scolded. "Are you ready for this week's exchange?"

"I think so," Mike replied. He reached under the table. "Hey, where'd it go? Why the [stuff] are there a bunch of CarKraft strategy guides here?! Crow!"

Crow shouted out from his room, "Bite me! I'm busy!"

"I suppose I'll go first," Dr. Forrester said. "Frank, bring the invention!"

Frank picked up a transparent Tupperware container and handed it to Dr. Forrester. He took out a microphone.

"There are times when someone just doesn't hear you, or doesn't listen to you," Dr. Forrester said. "Well, this solves their problem."

Frank carried over three large clear Plexiglas panels. He arranged them so that they and the screen formed a square, enclosing Dr. Forrester in a makeshift isolation booth. Both Dr. F and Frank put on earplugs.

"Watch out, Mike!" Frank shouted. Dr. F switched the mic on. Mike could easily hear the sound of no sound, louder than anything he could say or do. Then, Dr. F said, "((((((BBBBBBOOOOOOBBBBBB!!!!!!))))))"

The SOL shook violently. Mike flew back against the HECK and fell on the ground. Crow and Tom flew out of Crow's room onto the bridge. Bob and Liz were caught in a Kansas twister and had hallucinations of short people dancing on a yellow brick road.

"What the [stuff] was that, Mike?" Crow asked.

"That logged him off battle.net!" Tom yelled.

Dr. F switched the mic off. "Painful?" Dr. F remarked.

"What the [stuff] do you think?" Crow retorted.

"Crow, where is my invention?" Mike asked.

"I ate it," Crow said.

"You ate it? I doubt that," Mike said.

"It's underneath my CarKraft player's guides," Crow answered.

Mike dove into the pool of player's guides and eventually found it. He began his demonstration.

"Ever get the feeling you can't do jack[stuff]? Well, this invention does just that."

"What does it do?" Dr. F asked.

"Jack[stuff]," Mike answered. "Actually, it's a do-it-yourself Monica Lewinsky deposition RPG." He placed the resource book on the table, along with multi-sided dice and a few action figures. "You can be the President, Ken Starr, Monica, Linda Tripp, Vernon Jordan, Betty Curry, Paula Jones, or any member of the independent council." He lifted a large, large relief map of Washington (with a special inset for the Oval Office and a few other places) onto the table.

"It even has sound!" Crow said. He hit a button near Lincoln Memorial. The speaker said in a recognizable Arkansas accent, "I did not have se.xual relations with that woman!" Servo hit a button by the Washington Monument. The speaker said, "It depends what the definition of 'is' is." Mike hit a button by the Smithsonian Castle. "I did not inhale."

"I call it 'Super Starr RPG,'" Mike said. "What do you think, Dr. F?"

"It is rather interesting," Dr. F commented.

"Maybe we'll play it sometime," Frank added.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Mike said. "Here's a supplement that you might switch to if Clinton's defense team gets desperate." Mike pulled out a thick binder with tons of pages of maps and strategies and other stuff. Tom got out a "touched-up" Axis & Allies board. "This way, the President can bomb Iraq and start World War III! I call it 'Monica's War.'"

"Mike, maybe Magic can program something related in the HECK," Frank suggested.

"There's an idea," Magic said. "I'll work on it."

"Okay, everybody, on to more important matters," Dr. Forrester shouted out. "You're DiC dub today is entitled 'So you Want to be a Superstar.' Send them the dub, Frank!"

"Sure thing, Dr. F!" Frank acknowledged cheerfully. He pressed the button which feeded the dub up to the ship.

"Enjoy!" Dr. F said before the screen went blank.

"Hurry, Crow!" Servo shouted.

Crow went back into his room and tried to log on to battle.net.

"Not again!" Mike exclaimed as he and Servo followed Crow.

"Think about it, Mike," Tom said. "If Crow logs on to battle.net, it'll block the DiC dub's feed."

"Hurry, Crow!" Mike shouted. Crow logged on. All cheered.

"There shouldn't be this much lag!" Crow yelled. "What's wrong?"

Gypsy entered the room. "Mike, we've gone out of orbit! We're heading into the Asteroid Belt!"

Mike ran over to the steering wheel of the SOL. Crow manned the laser turrets, Servo headed to the warhead launching computer, and Gypsy watched the radar.

Mike shouted out, "Take evasive action!" as the ship made several sharp turns to avoid getting pulverized. Crow and Tom continued to fire upon several of the asteroids that were obstructing Mike's flight path.

Gypsy said, "Uh oh! Star Destroyers!"

"What?!" Mike yelled out. "How many? What type?"

Tom switched to heavy rockets and launched them at the Type II Imperial-class Star Destroyer nearest to them.

Gypsy responded to Mike's question, "A lot. There are VSDs, ISDs, ISD2's, Super-classes, Lancer-class Frigates, Escort Shuttles, Assault Transports, Borg Cubes, Mir, and a Death Star with a Pentium III processor."

Crow exclaimed, "Death Star III? Oh, [stuff]!"

Mike nervously commented, "Ah, they'd be crazy to follow us."

Soon, six squadrons of TIE Defenders entered the area.

Mike, after dodging laser and Superlaser fire, suggested, "We'd better go closer to one of the big ones."

Everyone else shouted in unison, "Closer?!"

Tom screamed like a Wookiee. Then, there was a loud crash in the launch bay.

Mike approached the Asteroid of Love and attempted to enter a cave. After finding sanctuary, Mike headed toward the launch bay to investigate the loud crash.

Crow commented, "Oh, [stuff]. We're in the AOL."

There was a big explosion in the launch bay. Some guy in a black Rebel flight suit was tossed onto the bridge. "[Stuff] you [stuff]ing Imp wusses!" he shouted.

"Who the [stuff] are you?" Tom asked.

"I'm DudeDude2," he answered. "And you?"

"I'm Crow," Crow said, "and here are Tom Servo and Gypsy. By the way, what happened down there?"

"I'm sorry the explosion knocked out your friend. If you don't mind, I'd like to repair my A-wing."

Suddenly, red lights flashed and sirens rang out.

"What's wrong?" DudeDude2 asked.

"Nothing!" Crow replied. "That's just DiC dub sign."

"Yeah," Servo added. "We have to watch bad DiC dubs."

"You'd better join us if you want to breathe," Crow recommended.

"How about your friend in the launch bay?"

"No time," Servo told him. "WE'VE GOT DiC DUB SIGN!"

Door 6 is a yellow earthworm. Instead of caring about the environment like a good little child and having mercy for the poor innocent ornothopod, you kill it.
Door 5 is a hula skirt. You put it on, do the wave thing, put leis on the bots, and shake your tush.
Door 4 is a collection of "101 Joke" books from Scholastic. You finally realize that this MSTing is a little bit more cheesy than those are. Then you burn them.
Door 3 is a badminton racquet. You go around hitting shuttlecocks.
Door 2 is a microphone. You turn it on and sing the Jigglypuff song.
Door 1 is a regular door. Instead of using the knob, you do a fancy side kick that Sammo or Chuck Norris would do to open it.
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.

Dude walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Dude takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The title screen appears.

>"So you Want to be a Superstar"

Dude: (with bad British accent) Then get the new Spice Girls CD-Rom for the Sony PlayStation game console!

>[Street: Serena is running to school.]

Tom: Why doesn't she have a ride to school by now? How many times has she been late already?

Crow: She was late in MSTing 1, MSTing 2, MSTing 3...

>Serena: Man!

All: Or woman!

>Serena: It's the third time this week...

Dude: That would mean I get 156 issues of Time a year? All right!

>Serena: ...I'm going to be late for school.

Crow: (imitating school) You're going to be late for me? Awww, you shouldn't have! No, you really shouldn't have!

>Serena: I've gotta slow down...

Dude: Which will help her to get to school on time, right?

Crow: That's an interesting point, Dude.

Dude: Thank you, Crow.

>Serena: ...and think of an excuse.

Tom: (imitating Ms. H) There's no excuse for being late! Twenty lashes!

>[Serena stops in front of a store.]

Crow: (singing) How much is that doggie in the window?

Tom: Woof! Woof!

>[She looks at the poster in the window.]

Crow: So is it Chibi Chibilyn, Liz, or Scorp?

Tom: It's not an FSB poster, stupid[stuff]!

Dude: Uh, okay.

>Serena: What's this?

Dude: I call it a poster, but you anime freaks might give it a fancy pancy name like wallscroller or hanger-upper-thingie-majig, but I call it a poster.

Crow: No, Dude, a poster is a person who eats or makes various breakfast cereals such as GrapeNuts, Honey Bunches of Oats, and Waffle Crisp.

Tom: Not a Post®er, Crow!

>Serena: Saffron's vitamins help give energy.

Tom: Then Beryl should just buy 24 billion of them to feed the Negaforce instead of messing with this youma crap.

>[Molly appears. She's running to school.]

Dude: Man, what's up with these Japanese? Don't they have cars or clocks?

Crow: Hey, Dude, no ethnic slurs. The Japanese are cool and they made a (much better) version of what you're seeing right now.

>Molly: Serena! Serena!

Tom: That's "Serena! Serena!" in Spanish.

Crow: That's probably "Serena! Serena!" in French, too.

Dude: So it's "Serena! Serena!" in Japanese, too?

Crow: No, that would be "Usagi-chan! Usagi-chan!"

Dude: Okay.

>[Molly, running by, hits Serena in the head with her briefcase.]

Crow: (wacks Dude in the head with a briefcase)

>Molly: Come on!

Tom: (singing) Celebrate good times, come on!

Dude: (in deep voice) Celebrate good times!

>Molly: We're late!

Tom: (imitating the Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland) We're late! We're late! For a very important date!

>Serena: (rubbing her head) Thanks a lot, Molly!

Dude: (rubbing his head) Yeah, thanks a lot, Crow!

Crow: Well, if you liked it... (wacks Dude with another briefcase)

>[Class. Serena's sitting at her desk.]

Crow: We don't get to find out her excuse?

Tom: No, we don't, and for some reason, I hope we don't.

>[Molly is standing near her and talking.]

Dude: It's good to know she has a friend whose standing by her side.

Crow: Yeah, it's good to have a friend by your side.

Tom: I wonder if Mike's okay...

Mike: (makes sounds of wheezing and asphyxiation)

>Serena: (rubbing her head) Ow!

Dude: (imitating James Brown) I feel good!

Tom: (makes sound effects)

Dude: (imitating James Brown) Like I knew that I would!

Tom: (makes more sound effects)

>Serena: This bump hurts.

Crow: It hurts?

Tom: Exactly.

Dude: Hurts. Exactly.

>Molly: I didn't mean it, Serena.

Tom: Yeah, but she did nice it.

Dude: Huh?

Tom: If she didn't *mean* it, she must *nice* it! Thank you!

>Molly: I'm not used to being late.

Crow: It is her primary function to be early.

Dude: Huh?

Crow: If they don't use her to be late, they use her to be early, right?

Tom & Dude: (stare at Crow)

Crow: What?!

>Molly: I panicked!

Dude: (imitating Molly) Jay didn't, but I did. Kay didn't either, nor did Elle or Emm.

Agents Crow & Tom: (imitating Men in Black) Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody "knew" that the earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody "knew" that the earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you "knew" that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll "know" tomorrow.

>Melvin: Serena! Molly!

Dude: Hey, it's the yellow earthworm guy! [Stuff] yeah!

>Melvin: Look who's featured in today's entertainment page!

Crow: Robin Williams?

Tom: Tom Hanks?

Dude: Val Kilmer?

Crow: Katherine Hepburn?

Tom: Bob Sagat?

Dude: Garth Brooks?

Crow: Ringo Starr?

Tom: Kenneth Starr?

Dude: Leonardo DiCaprio?

Crow: Barbra Striesand?

Tom: Bill?

Dude: Akanaramasotagemanutaya?

Crow & Tom: (shocked) What?

Dude: What?!

>[Melvin holds up a poster.]

Dude: (grabs something from his pocket)

Crow: Dude, what's that?

Dude: (hands Post-It notes to Crow & Tom) Have some Post-It notes!

Tom: (using a hand attachment to stick Post-Its on his head) Thanks, Dude!

Crow: (somehow patting DudeDude2's back) Yeah, thanks...

Dude: What the... (reaches and grabs the Post-It note from his back)

Tom: (giggles)

Dude: (reads the Post-It note) KICK ME. Fat[stuff]!

>[It is identical to the one Serena had seen.]

Tom: Awww, they're sesquindodecacentuplets!

Crow: Geesh, I have one of those posters!

Dude: Seriously?

Crow: Yeah, but it's a fraternal sesquindodecacentuplet. It's a Hanson poster.

Tom: Well, at least my fraternal sesquindodecacentuplet Star Wars CCG posters look kind of the same.

Crow: But you should see my Slayers: The Motion Picture triquadritetrapentaseptasextuptlet poster.

Tom: Just wait until you see my monomonomonomonomonomonomonomonomonuplet Sailor Moon SuperS Pegasus and Chibi-Moon poster.

Crow: Well, did you see my four-poster bed?

Tom: Mike got you a four-poster bed? And he wouldn't even get me a pink canopy bed.

Dude: Um...

Crow: Oh, sorry, Dude. We have a futon for you.

>Serena: What did you do, Melvin?

Dude: (imitating Melvin and Marc Summers) What would you do, Serena?

Crow & Tom: THE PIE POD! THE PIE POD!

>Serena: Steal it off a building?

Tom: (imitating Melvin) Yes, Serena, I jumped the tall building in a single bound! Oh, thank you!

>Melvin: No, Serena.

Crow: (imitating Melvin) I like saying 'no' to you. Ask me again.

>Melvin: It's my very own authentic...

Dude: (imitating Melvin) ...limited edition, signed, numbered, and certified two-month-anniversary Saffron poster I ordered through http://www.spicegirlssuck.gov/404notfound/bob/biteme/saffron.asp

Crow: So the authentic poster is not fake.

Tom: Right.

Crow: How can a poster be fake when it's not real?

Tom & Dude: (stare at Crow)

Crow: What?!

>Melvin: ...copy I...

Dude: 'Authentic Copy.' Oxymoron...

Crow: Who's the oxymoron?

>Melvin: ...won fair and square...

Crow: If there's something I can't bear, it's when people win things fair!

Tom: If there's something I can do, maybe we will then go to...

Dude: A place where there's [stuff] we'll make, a place where we can take a break.

Crow & Tom: A place where we have cake and steak!

Dude: Cake and steak?

Crow & Tom: Cake and steak.

>Melvin: ...through a contest...

Tom: Hey, Dude, what's the opposite of contest?

Dude: I don't know.

Tom: A protest! Get it? Pro and con?

Dude: (stares at Tom)

Crow: Let me try, Servo. Dude, what's the opposite of progress?

Dude: I don't know.

Crow: Congress! Get it? Pro and con?

Dude: Oh, I get it! (laughs hysterically)

>Melvin: ...I entered when I joined...

Dude: [Stuff]! How long is this line?

Tom: Who knows?

Crow: I hate standing in long lines...

Tom & Dude: (stare at Crow)

>Melvin: ...the Saffron Fan Club...

Crow: The necessity for the whole family! On one end, it's an air cooling device! On the other end, it's something for beating up people like your younger sibling! Order now! Call 1-800-441-2400! That's 1-800-441-2400! Our operators are standing by! Visa and Mastercard accepted. Sorry, no CODs.

Tom: What the... (reaches and grabs a Post-It off his back)

Crow: I wonder how that got there...

Tom: (reads the Post-It note) BITE ME.

Dude: (giggles)

Tom: Bite me.

>Melvin: ...last month through the internet.

Crow: DiC knows about the internet? Wow.

Tom: It's funny that they don't have a website.

Dude: Um, who's Saffron?

Crow & Tom: (throw Post-Its at DudeDude2)

Dude: (ducks)

Crow & Tom: (get hit by Post-Its)

>Molly: You joined the Saffron Fan Club?

Tom: What is this world coming to? Now there's a fan club for the most expensive seasoning on Earth?

Dude: No, they just like yellow saffron rice.

Crow: I bet it's Saffron Henderson, the VA for the Ranma dub's Tsubasa Kurenai, the Galaxy Express 999 dub's Tetsuro, the DBZ dub's Gohan, and other anime characters.

>[Melvin is typing on his laptop.]

Crow: No electronic devices at school!

Dude: He is one of few people who I've seen type on a laptop on the top of his lap.

>Melvin: Yeah!

All: Yeah!

>Melvin: They give you tons of nifty information.

Dude: Thus, he got at least 4,000 pounds of it.

Crow: That's another way of saying he's getting tons of links to hentai sites.

Tom: Crow...

>Melvin: Did you see she got five million dollars for...

Crow: Reasons.

Dude: What reasons?

Tom: Crow...

Crow: Just reasons, like her report on the effects of the ebola virus on *performances*.

Tom: Crow!

Crow: What?!

>Melvin: ...her very first role?

Dude: Wow, that's a lot of money! I wonder if it was a Pillsbury crescent roll? Thank you!

>Serena: No way! Five million bucks?

Tom: (imitating Serena) If Saffron got five million does, she'd have a whole lot of fawns!

>Serena: I wonder if she needs a personal assistant...

Crow: I'd prefer a personal check.

Tom: (imitating personal assistant) All right! This time it's personal!

>Serena: ...or something like that?

Crow: I would doubt she needs a That-you-are.

Dude: Who?

Tom: Remember, Crow, DiC's not referring to the savage IRS agent who Sailor Stuff killed last MSTing.

Dude: Who the [stuff] is That-you-are?!

>Girl #1 (with long brown hair): If I got five million bucks,

Crow: I would take twelve of them, go to Milwaukee, and make a bad basketball team.

Tom: Man, all Serena got was half a pound...

>Girl #1: I'd buy my family a great big house.

Tom: With a great big kitchen, and a great big bathroom, and a great big den, and a great big bedroom, and a great big dining room, and a great big office, and a great big attic, and a great big hot tub, and a great big golf course, and a great big massage room, and a great big tennis court, and a great big pool, and a great big courtyard, and a great big library, and a great big horse stable, and a great big billiard room, and a great big conservatory, and a great big movie theater, and a great big closet, and a great big zoo, and a great big laboratory, and a great big gymnasium, and a great big ball room, and a great big bingo hall, and a great big casino, and a great big litter box, and a great big Pokémon center, and a great big...

>Girl #2 (with short black hair): I'd buy everyone a new car!

Dude: If there are six billion people in the world, each car would have to cost one-twelfth of a cent or less.

Crow: In which case they would all be used Pintos.

>Molly: I'd shop at all the malls...

Tom: (imitating Molly) ...and buy [stuff]!

>Molly: ...and buy tons of clothes and make-up!

Dude: Thus, she'd have at least 4000 pounds of them.

>Girl #2: Oh, yeah! For sure!

All: Like, of course!

>Girl #1: I'm gonna get an agent...

Crow: (imitating Girl #1) And lose 10% of my salary because I'm so stupid! Tee-hee!

Tom: (imitating Sailor Moon) Agent for love and justice, I am the pretty soldier Sailor Moon! Tsukini kawatte, oshiokiyo!

Dude: Uh, okay.

>Girl #1: ...and become a superstar, too!

Tom: (imitating Girl #1) I'm going to sit out there in the night sky, shining as bright as I can, until I accidentally screw myself over and blow up, becoming a supernova instead.

Crow: Servo, you've been spending way too much time with your telescope.

>Melvin: In my humble but expert opinion,

Dude: (imitating Melvin) You're all so [stuff]ing screwed!

Tom: Wow, Dude, that was a little rough.

>Melvin: I do believe one of you could be a real superstar.

Crow: I wonder which one of them has a name or alterego who's known throughout the world to her fans and those who are not...

>Girl #1: So come on, spit it out!

Tom: (imitating girl #1) You weren't supposed to swallow my pet goldfish! Cough it up! Vomit it up! Sneeze it out! Hiccup it up!

Crow: Or spit it out and screw me over!

Tom: Crow!

>Melvin: That'd be the one and only...

Dude: Singular...

Crow: Solitary...

Tom: Unique...

Dude: Sole...

Crow: Lone...

Tom: Individual...

>Melvin: ...mesmerizing,

Dude: Amazing...

Crow: Incredible...

Tom: Fascinating...

Dude: Captivating...

Crow: Charming...

Tom: Spellbinding...

>Melvin: stunningly beautiful,

Dude: (imitating Stormtrooper) Set for stun!

Tom: (making sound effects of blaster being fired on stun)

Crow: Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner!

>Melvin: incomparable...

Dude: And therefore, incontrastible!

Tom: Dude, that's not a word!

Crow: SpellCheck said so!

Dude: Guys, I mean this in the nicest way. BITE ME!

>Melvin: ...Miss Serena!

Crow: Followed by the lovely, talented, wonderbar, ecstatic Miss America!

Tom: How can I miss her when she's not gone? Oh, thank you!

Dude: Oh, you missed my Serena! Um, D-8! Ah, I sunk your Battleship!

Crow & Tom: (stare at Dude)

Dude: What?!

>[Melvin points at Serena.]

Crow: Oh! Next time use a laser pointer! Man!

Tom: Crow!

>[The other girls moan.]

Dude: But...

Tom: Don't go there!

Crow: Come to think of it, the sixth season of "Sailor Moon" should be called, Sailor Superstars. What do you think, Tom?

Tom: I was kind of hoping it was Sailor Legends. What about you, Dude?

Dude: Uh, Sailor [Stuff] maybe?

Crow & Tom: (growl at him)

>Melvin: You would be great!

Crow: In bed--

Tom: Crow!

>Serena: Me?

Dude: (imitating Melvin) Yes you!

Tom: (imitating Serena) Couldn't be!

Dude: (imitating Melvin) Then who?

Tom: (imitating Serena) Maybe you.

Dude: (imitating Melvin) Who, me?

Tom: (imitating Serena) Yes you!

>Serena: A superstar?

Crow: (imitating Serena) Personally, I would prefer being a Big Mac, a Whopper, or a Jumbo Jack, but a Super Star will do.

>[Serena stands up.]

Tom: (imitating Luna) That's right, Serena! Stand up and fight the Negaverse!

>[Melvin begins laughing and clapping.]

Crow & Tom: (singing) If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

Dude: (claps twice)

Crow & Tom: (singing) If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

Dude: (claps twice)

Crow & Tom: (singing) If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

Dude: (claps twice) What the [stuff]?!

Tom: (singing) If you're happy and you know it, do all three!

>Serena: For real?

Crow: Yes, the G2 player is for Real.

>Serena: Cool!

Dude: --idge, Calvin was the thirtieth President, right after Harding, Warren G., and before Hoover, Herbert.

>[Downtown Auditorium.]
>Saffron: There, my autograph!

Tom: Here, my pen!

Crow: There, you! Here, me!

Dude: (in ominous voice) I am Saffron! Hear me roar!

>Jedite: (in disguise) I could use this girl!

Crow: She would work well at Crown's!

Tom: Crow...

Dude: What's Crown's?

Tom: Just an arcade--

Crow: SLASH homeless strip bar!

Tom: It's not a homeless strip bar!

>Jedite: I must tell Queen Beryl.

Tom: (begins wheezing)

Crow: Whoa, buddy, here's your inhaler. (hands Servo the inhaler)

Dude: What's wrong?

Crow: Oh, the DiC dub said the word "queen."

Dude: And?

Crow: They said it thirteen times in the first episode and he had a traumatic head explosion.

>[Beryl's Audience Chamber]
>Beryl: I'm counting on you, Jedite!

Dude: She's just standing on top of his back and playing with those Sesame Street "cookie" counting flashcards.

Crow: By the way, who is she talking to? I don't see Jedite.

>Beryl: Do not disappoint me!

Crow: (imitating Beryl) By not showing up with the Viagra!

Tom: Crow...

>Beryl: Through this little girl,

All: (imitating Beryl) We will do [STUFF]!

>Beryl: we will gather awesome power for the Negaforce!

Tom: She's going to buy ten trillion of those vitamins that little girl sells!

Dude: That would be one [stuff] of a stimulant.

>Beryl: Ha! Ha! HA!

Dude: What the?! Beryl's laughing like a seal!

Crow and Tom: (making seal noises)

>[Serena's room]

Dude: (imitating Melvin) Why does this look so familiar?

Crow: Uh, Dude, we used that joke already. A few MSTings ago.

Dude: Uh, sorry.

>Serena: Molly!

All: (imitating Molly badly) SER-EE-NAA!

>Serena: Are you sure about this?

Tom: Sure, I'm sure. I used my Sure.

Crow: I'm sure I surely used my Sure.

Dude: Uh, I used SpeedStick today.

>Molly: Yeah! We'll have our names...

Crow: ...on the FBI's public enemy list...

>Molly: ...up in lights before we know it.

(A drumroll is heard.)

Crow: What the?!

The Nintendo All-Star Dairantou Smash Brothers Guy: Toooooooom Servoooooooo!

(A red light turns on, showing the name Tom Servo above the screen)

Tom: Rock on!

The Nintendo All-Star Dairantou Smash Brothers Guy: Croooooooow Teeeeeeee Roooooooobot!

(A blue light turns on, showing the name Crow T. Robot above the screen)

Crow: That's one 'o'!

The Nintendo All-Star Dairantou Smash Brothers Guy: DuuuuuuuuuuuudeDuuuuuuuuuuuudeTwoooooooooooo!

(A green light turns on, showing the name DudeDude2 above the screen)

Dude: Uh, okay.

>Serena: I know how!

Crow: Servo, how are we going to become superstars?

Tom: Well, it depends. Personally, I like the Sailor Bots saving the world time and time again idea.

Crow: Yeah, but there's a problem. We might get killed in the process.

Dude: Hey, how about founding your own fast food chain, or making some 1333 MHz processor?

Tom: Why don't we join Mike's dad and make cheese?

Crow: No. Let's save this conversation for the host segment.

>Molly: What?

All: SHE SAID I KNOW HOW!

>Serena: (grabbing a tennis racquet) We'll be sports stars!

Dude: No, they don't have long last names like Navratilova, Philippoussis, or Graf.

Crow: You know, I bet she meant porn stars.

Tom: CROW!!!!

Crow: What's up, Servo? Why are you scolding me?

Tom: Because someone has to.

>Molly: Huh?

All: SHE SAID WE'LL BE SPORTS STARS!

>Molly: (negatively) Uh, uh. No way! I am the manager and I've got a plan.

Dude: (imitating Molly) We're gonna get down and get funky when we revive disco!

Tom: (beginning to cry) I miss my fro! Wahhhhhhhh!

Crow: Dude! You made him cry!

>Molly: I've come up with a foolproof way...

Crow: Bye, Serena!

>Molly: ...to make us rich megastars!

Tom: Rich, luscious Megastars with only half the calories!

Dude: So that would be a total of one trillion microstars?

Crow: Mega-bite me!

>Serena: How's that?
>Molly: Rock videos!

Tom: Personally, I would use brick.

Dude: It's better than a rock CD. Watching granite and marble might be a lot less boring than listening to them make no sound at all.

>[Serena begins dancing.]

Crow: Wow! How exotic!

Tom: Crow!

>Serena: All right! That's a wicked cool idea!

Tom: Yeah, if you like seeing rocks.

>Luna: (voice over) Please tell me she's not going to sing...

All: She's not going to sing.

>Molly: Okay. (stands up) We're gonna be one hot team, right?

Dude: (imitating Serena) [Stuff] yeah, we're going to be on fire.

>Serena: We're gonna be world-famous!

Crow: Like the San Diego Zoo.

Tom: They're gonna have their own lunchbox.

>Molly: All right! Let's do it!

Dude: Not in front of us!

>[Molly presses 'play' on the boombox.]

Dude: Oh! No, don't do that!

Crow: What's wrong with the button?

Dude: Well, when I got a tape player installed in my astromech droid and I pressed play, it, well, got the wrong ideas and...

Tom: Please don't go into the details.

Dude: Geesh, I'm just kidding!

>[Molly and Serena begin dancing.]

Crow: It's Soul Train!

Tom: Choo-Choo!

>Molly & Serena: (singing) Fighting evil by moonlight,

Crow: (singing quickly) And when there's a new moon using a brightly lit torch,

>Molly & Serena: (singing) Winning love by daylight,

Crow: (singing quickly) And enjoying her prize by moonlight or lack thereof,

Tom: Crow!

>Molly & Serena: (singing) Never running from a real fight,

Crow: (singing quickly) Because violence is banned from most RealVideo files on her computer,

>Molly & Serena: (singing) She is the one named--

All: MON-I-CA!

>[Sammy opens Serena's door.]

Dude: That's when he learned there are things better left shut. Like his fly, for instance.

>[The girls stop dancing.]

Tom: Okay, Crow. The *next* time you want to crash a Presidential dance, just open a door.

Crow: Hey, I'm not crashing any more Presidential dances, especially wild monkey dances.

>Sammy: Hey! Are you trying to torture me?

Dude: (imitating Serena) Not unless you're hanging upside-down from a clothesline naked and Molly's tickling you with a feather duster and a flock of geese decide to relieve themselves on you.

>Serena: You're ruining our practice!

Crow: (imitating Sammy) I sure hope you were practicing wrestling.

Tom: (imitating Serena) As a matter of fact, it was Greco-Roman style!

Dude: You killed it.

Tom: I know.

>Molly: But we could use him as a backup singer...

Crow: (imitating Sammy) No way! I don't know how to sew! How can I be your backup Singer®?

Tom: Not a sewing machine!

>Sammy: Heh, heh, gotta run!
>[Sammy slams the door shut.]

Dude: Yeah! I'd like to see you slam the door open!

Tom: Or open the door shut!

>Molly: Ha, I knew that would get rid of him!

Crow: (imitating Serena) Ha, why don't we get rid of him for good?

Tom: (imitating Molly) Ha, that's a good question.

Crow: (imitating Serena) So who, with what, and where?

Tom: (imitating Molly) Sergeant Gray, in the Carriage House, with the Lead Pipe.

>Serena: Hmm.

All: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

>[The girls continue dancing.]

Dude: If you can call that dancing.

>Serena & Molly: (singing badly) Fighting e--

Dude: --egotistical maniacs like yourselves.

>[Serena hits Molly on the arm.]

Crow: Hey! It's a cat fight!

Tom: Serena's in the Cat-Fist!

Dude: When Serena's in the Cat-Fist, she's invincible!

Crow: Hey, you know that joke, too?

Dude: Yeah, Anch told it to me.

Tom: You know Anchorhead?

Crow: PLEASE TELL HIM TO GET US OFF THIS SHIP!

Dude: Sorry. In fact, I'm here because I killed one of his jokes.

Tom: One?

>Serena: --evil by moon--

Crow: I agree, mooning is evil.

>[Molly hits Serena in the head.]

Dude: Dude! Why is she wacking there? If she expects--

Tom: Dude!

>Molly: Fighting, er...

Tom: ...Erase the whiteboard.

Dude: ...Eradicate the smallpox virus.

Crow: ...Ernest Gets a Facelift!

Tom: ...Ernie and Bert.

Dude: Herbs and spices.

Crow: Erecti...

Tom: CROW!

>Serena & Molly: Fighting evil by moonl--

Tom: Moon-landing in 1969, when Apollo 11 touched down on the surface of the moon, and never saw any ruins of Silver Millennium.

>Serena & Molly: Fighting, fighting, fighting,

Dude: (stands up) That's what the home team's doing!

Crow & Tom: Go Team!

Dude: Give me a M!

Crow & Tom: M!

Dude: Give me an S!

Crow & Tom: S!

Dude: Give me a T!

Crow & Tom: T!

Dude: Give me an I!

Crow & Tom: I!

Dude: Give me an N!

Crow & Tom: N!

Dude: Give me a G!

Crow & Tom: G!

Dude: What's that spell?

Crow & Tom: MSTing!

All: GOOoOoOoooOOO, MSTing!

Dude: (jumps gayly [not literally {okay, maybe literally}] into the air, throws two pom-poms up into the air, does some weird air kick thing, and lands on his feet posing like Sailor Mercury)

Crow & Tom: (stare somewhere)

Dude: I'm gonna kill you, Anchorhead! (sits down)

>[Serena steps on Molly's foot.]

Crow: How many left feet does Serena have?

Tom: It's a foot fight!

Dude: Huh?

Tom: (begins kicking Dude, although he has no feet)

>Molly: Aaaaaaaaaahhh!
>Serena: Not bad at all. But you can't keep screaming!

Crow: (imitating Molly) But I scream for ice cream!

Tom: I bet I can make Crow scream.

Crow: [Stuff] no!

Tom: Just see, DudeDude. Leonardo DiCaprio.

Crow: Good try, but no.

Tom: Richard Simmons.

Crow: (begins to hyperventilate) No, Tom. (wheezes)

Tom: Barney. Steve Urkel. Pamela Anderson.

Crow: (breathes harder) Breathe in. Breathe out.

Tom: Pee-Wee Herman. Barbara Striesand. Dennis Rodman.

Crow: (falls out of his chair and chokes)

Dude: Um, Crow?

Tom: (kicks him somehow) Uh, I think he's dead.

Dude: Aaaaaaaaaahhh!

>Molly: You were squashing my foot!

Dude: No, I was racquetballing your foot. Oh, thank you!

>Serena: You were too close!

Tom: (imitating Molly) Well, Serena, if you think we're getting too close, maybe we should start seeing other people!

Dude: (imitating Serena) No, Molly! You're the only one for me!

>Molly: Maybe I should go get your brother to do this!

Crow: (wakes up and imitates Serena) Oh, [stuff] yeah! My brother can't *do* anything for jack[stuff]!

Tom: Crow!

Dude: Hmm?

Tom: You're alive!

>Molly: He certainly can't be worse than you are, Serena!

Dude: Wow! Molly's really insulting Serena!

Crow: Man, when your little brother is better than you are, well, you mind as well pack your bags and settle down at Crown's.

Tom: It's not a homeless strip club!

>Serena: Your stupid routine...

Crow: (imitating Serena) It's getting old! Get some variety! Add a little salt and pepper to your *study* routine! Surprise me!

>Serena: ...would just make anybody dance like a big geek!

Crow: (imitating Serena) Teach me how to make you act like Melvin at night!

Dude: (imitating Serena) Nobody can wild monkey dance like that big geek!

Tom: Guys...

>Molly: ERRRR!!

Dude: Jerry! Jerry!

Crow & Tom: (growl like Molly)

>[Molly and Serena have a staring contest.]
>Luna: And they say cat fights are bad...

Dude: Wait a minute. That is a cat fight!

Crow: I think she meant two felines fighting.

Dude: ...evil by moonlight...

Tom: ...

>[Living room. Dad, Mom, and Sammy are watching TV.]

Crow: They're watching "Family Affair."

Tom: No, it's probably "Family Matters."

Crow: Maybe it's "Family Ties."

Tom: Or possibly "The Hogan Family."

Dude: Why do you guys think that it's something with 'family?'

Crow: Because DiC only shows family shows.

Dude: ...

>[A white monkey...]

Tom: The PC term is melanin deficient...

Dude: That's not a monkey! That's Dobie Gillis!

Crow: No, it's Mickey Rooney!

>[...with blue and green Highwaters, an orange sweater, and a Sanrio backpack bends over.]

Crow: Hey, that is a Bad Badtz-Maru backpack, isn't it?

Dude: He's sticking his [stuff] at us.

>Mom: This guy's so funny.

Crow: He tells funny jokes and makes funny stories and says funny insults and does funny making white monkeys wear loud clothes and bend over so he can stick a magic marker up its [stuff]!

>Dad: He's brilliant!

Tom: Ultra-Tide with bleach makes his colors shine!

>Dad: I don't know how he gets that monkey to do that!

Dude: Offstage, if he doesn't do it, he spanks him with a rolled up Saffron poster.

Crow: If he does do it, he shows the monkey the poster, which happens to be ecchi.

>Serena: No, Dad, you're brilliant!

Crow: (imitating Dad) That's because your mother used that Woolite pokéball the last time we were in the shower.

>Dad: Huh?

All: SHE SAID NO, DAD, YOU'RE BRILLIANT!

>Serena: (giggles) You just figured out how I'm going to become a megastar!

Dude: (imitating Serena) I'm soaking myself in a huge vat of Snuggle so I'll be ultra-soft and cuddly! Then it's an easy street down Porn Star Lane!

Tom: DUDE!

>[Serena picks up Luna and shakes her.]

Dude: Baby, shake me!

Crow: Or better yet, quake me!

Dude: Baby, cake me!

Tom: Baby, steak me!

Dude: Cake and steak?

Crow & Tom: Cake and steak!

>Luna: Reaeaeaeaear!

All: Luna's in the Cat-Fist!

Dude: When Luna's in the Cat-Fist, she's invincible!

>[Serena runs out of the room with Luna.]

Crow: Not only did she run out of the room, she ran out of breath! Thank you!

>Dad: Has she eaten lots of sweets today?

Crow: (imitating Sammy) Other than Molly?

Tom: Crow!

>Mom: Not that I'm aware of...

Dude: That's it; they've got to search her room for the [stuff]. She's been acting too stupid not to be on something.

Crow: That something being another person?

Tom: Crow!

>Sammy: Face it. She's just a space case.

Crow: Hey, Tom, do you remember that Nickelodeon show "Space Cases?"

Tom: I think so. Is that the one with the girl with the pink face and the guy with the ears?

Crow: Yeah! Them and the she-Data person.

Tom: Never heard of it...

Dude: Oh! I remember having a dream about the chick with the rainbow hair...

Tom: Please don't tell us.

>[Serena's room]
>Serena: Come on, Luna! Back to work!

Dude: So if somebody puts their back to work, do they put their front to play?

Crow: Hey! I said that last MSTing!

Dude: Oh, sorry.

>Luna: (leaning against a coffee table) Oh, cats aren't meant to dance and sing, Serena!

Tom: But they are trained to cook gourmet brunches, work in Thai sweatshops, and provide comfort groups for "I'm Obsessed With The Irresistibly Seductive Smell Of Ocean Whitefish And The Litter Box Which Happens To Be Where I Go To Go Do My Business Which Includes Dooing My Business And Doing Financial Business Such As Purchasing Stock In Fine Companies Such As Purina Which Sell Products Like Meow Mix And Bacon Strips But Those Are For Dogs So Screw Them And Buy Millions Of Shares From Some Poop Company Like DiC Anonymous."

>Serena: Hey, Luna, if you can talk, I'm sure...

Dude: ...as [stuff] not listening to you!

Tom: If y'can talk da talk, y'can walk da walk.

Crow: Word.

>Serena: ...you can dance and sing.

Tom: Mike can talk, but he can't dance and sing for [stuff].

Crow: But, remember, Mike Nelson IS Lord of the DANCE!

Tom: But he wasn't singing.

Crow: But, when we had that fire after that new episode, he was singing!

Tom: But he wasn't dancing.

>Serena: Now quit making up excuses.

Dude: (imitating Serena) I've seen that rumba of yours...

>[Molly's apartment.]
>Melvin: Hey, Molly, open up! It's You-Know-Who...

Tom: As opposed to That-you-are.

>Melvin: ...for the secret meeting you couldn't tell me about on the phone!

Dude: (imitating Melvin) Thus I don't know about it!

>[Molly opens the door.]
>Molly: Would you keep it down? Geez!

Crow: Wow, Melvin used a little too much of that spray-on Viagra...

Tom: Crow...

>[Inside Molly's apartment]
>Molly: Amazing what a little make-up and the right clothes can do.

Tom: Hey, Crow! Let's play Makeover with DudeDude2!

Crow: Hey, that sounds like fun!

Dude: [Stuff] no!

Crow: What're you gonna do?

Dude: (pulls out thermal detonator)

Tom: Hey, Dude! Let's play Makeover with Crow!

Dude: Sounds fun.

Crow: Rrrr!

Tom: (goes to the back)

>[Melvin is shown wearing a lovely orange-peach ensemble.]

Tom: Hey, Crow, how about this one? (holds up harem outfit)

Dude: Man, you guys are gay!

Crow: Something with a little more appeal!

>Melvin: I'm still not sure how I let you talk me into this.

Dude: (imitating Molly) Did the words "FREE EARTHWORMS" mean anything to you?

>Melvin: I never wear anything but black!

Tom: I agree, Crow. You look good in basic black.

Crow: I didn't say anyth--

Tom: (hovers over with black bikini)

Crow: Oooh. Fifty-fifty poly-cotton blend...

Dude: Please don't put that on!

Crow: (slipping it on) Too late...

>Molly: Oh, chill out! It won't matter when we're a world famous duo!

Tom: Like Sigfried and Roy, Ben and Jerry, Donny and Marie, Penn and Teller, Batman and Robin, Haruka and Michiru, Bill and Monica; Snap, Crackle and Pop; and Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy, Grumpy, and Doc.

Dude: That's not a duo!

Tom: Bite me!

Crow: (stares at Tom)

Tom: Never stare at me while you're wearing that!

>[Molly pats Melvin on the shoulder.]
>Melvin: I'm gonna be famous?

Tom: (imitating Molly) Yep, you'll be on every milk carton, missing poster, and "Have You Seen Me? No One Else Has" postcard in the country.

Crow: Whoa, this thing itches!

Dude: No! Don't scratch down there!

Crow: Don't worry; my arms don't work. Tom?

Tom: Sorry, my arms don't work either. DudeDude?

Dude: [STUFF] NO!

>Molly: You will be if you listen...

All: (imitating Melvin) HUH?!

>Molly: ...and do everything I tell you to do,

Tom: (imitating Molly) So do the Funky Chicken!

Dude: (stands up, squats down, and flaps his arms) Ba-GOK!

Crow: (singing) I feel like Chicken Tonight!

Tom: (singing) Like Chicken Tonight!

Crow: (singing) This thong is too tight!

Tom: Huh?

Dude: (singing, imitating "Nak") That didn't sound right!

Crow: (singing) Then me you must bite!

>Molly: because we're gonna do rock videos.

Tom: They're not going to become geologists, are they?

Crow: Probably end up doing a documentary on the nature and behavior of wild rocks, diseases of rocks, and the domestication and study of trillions of species of rock Pokemon.

>Melvin: Maybe I'll even win an award! Wow!

Dude: Yeah, for the best porn documentary...

Crow: I hear it's on Public Access at 6 tonight.

Dude: Really? Oh, I guess I'll have to tape it.  Do you have a T-160?

Tom: What're you guys talkin' 'bout?

Crow: There's a nine-part series on the success of porn involving different types of animals and insects.

Dude: Hey, isn't that what they showed in Japanese class at my school?

Crow: [Stuff] if I'd know.

>[Melvin holds his face with his hands.]

Crow: (imitating Barbara Striesand, Angelica, and Lum) DAAAAAAAAH-LIIIIIING!  I'm ready for my closeup!!!!

Dude: NEVER say that while you're in a thong!

Crow: Man, you're starting to act like Shirley McClain on a stick!

Tom: What the [stuff]?

>Melvin: Listen, I've already got a great speech!

Crow: (imitating Melvin) You LOVE me!  You REALLY love me!

Dude: All right!  That's enough!  Take that stupid thing OFF!

Crow: DudeDude, you se.x fiend, you.  Not in public!

Dude: This is on the 'net for Pete's sake!

Crow: So I've been making a fool out of myself, and everyone's been seeing me?

Dude: Yes!

Crow: Wow! I have fans that LOVE me!  That REALLY love me!

Tom: I'll give you fifty dollars to take that off!

Crow: (slaps Tom) My body is not for sale, you hooker-searching GOON!

>[Molly's stands back, freaked out.]
>Melvin: I'd like to thank all of my closest friends on the internet!

Tom: Ooooh.  That sends a chill down my spine.

Dude: The internet is that much colder when you know Melvin's been logged on.

>Melvin: And my fantastic manager, Molly!

Crow: (imitating Melvin) But most of all, I thank ME.  Without ME, I wouldn't be here tonight.  So thank you, ME, for being such a wonderful inspiration to ME and I hope that it's ME that's here next year!

>Molly: This might work. (giggles)

Dude: Probably not. Melvin's a little too gay for this to work, if you know what I mean...

>[Saffron's hotel room.]

Crow: It's the Bates Hotel.

Tom: How appropriate, having a psycho with us and all.

Dude: That's right, Tom--hey!

>[Saffron's in the shower.]

All: NUDE SCENE!

Crow: Servo, you take the top half, and I'll take the bottom, okay?

Dude: Before you do anything, you're going to the back of the room, and taking that off.

Crow: Not when nudity's involved!

Dude: NOW!

Crow: [STUFF] NO!

Dude: (drawing heavy blaster rifle) NOW!!!

Crow: You're gonna make me miss the striptease! (gets up and goes to the back, shaking his bootie)

>[A youma attacks her.]

Crow: Anything good happening?

Tom: Oh, oh, yes!

Dude: Hurry, Crow, don't wanna miss this!

>Saffron: Aaaaaaahhhh!

Crow: What was that?!

Dude: She just noticed the Monster of the Day had opened the shower curtain!

Tom: (giggles)

Crow: Must see!

>[The youma blows something at Saffron.]

Tom: Hey, Dude, she's blowing Saffron!

Crow: WHAT?! (runs over, trips on thong and falls down)

Dude: Oh, this is just too hot!

Crow: No!

>Saffron: Help!  Let go!

Crow: Wait up, dub! (gets up, jumps over rows of theater chairs, and gets stuck, not being able to see the screen) Help!

Tom: (singing) I NEED SOMEBODY!

Crow: HELP!

Dude: (singing) NOT JUST ANYBODY!

Crow: HELP!

>[Saffron faints.  The youma touches Saffron's hand and becomes her clone.]

Crow: (manages to become unstuck and returns to his seat) What the [STUFF]?!?!?!

Tom: Sorry, Crow, late again!

Crow: I missed the nudity in Soultaker and all those other good bad movies. I get the hologameroom so I can...

Dude: Oh, okay, we don't need details.

>Clone: Hmmmhahaha!

Dude: Wahoo!  Potty break!

Crow: (cries) No nude vitamin model on posters for me...WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
 

After trying (and failing) to log on to battle.net, Crow and Servo found something to do.

"Let's make rock videos!" Tom screamed out, causing the asteroid in which the ship was hidden to shake.

"Okay! I have an idea," Crow offered.  "I'll get my camcorder, Magic can provide the music, and you get your Pet Rock Band!"

After scavenging for the necessary equipment (and rocks), Crow and Tom planned out their montage of somewhat musical entertainment.  Then, DudeDude2 came along.

"Hey, guys, do you got a spare polarized negative power coupling I could use?" he asked the bots.

"SSSSSSHHH!" Crow whispered loudly.  "I'm recording!!!"

"Recording what?"

"Tom Servo's Pet Rock Band," Crow answered.  "They hit the Bobboard's #501 spot never, so they can't be all too bad, right?"

"I suppose," DudeDude answered.

"Meet the Rocks, Dude," Servo said. "PET ROCK ROLL CALL!!!!"

Spiffy: Nice jumpsuit!
Spammy: Vienna sausage!
Spazzy: MIGRAINE!
Squeaky: I need WD-40!
Sticky: 3M Brand!
Sleezy: Leo!
Doc: DiC Doc DiC Doc...

"Interesting," DudeDude commented.  "Goodbye."

"Hold on, Dude!" Crow shouted.  "Don't you want to see them perform?"

"Not really," DudeDude answered.

"Yo, Dude, wuzzup?" Spazzy asked.

"Hey, Spaz, bro, dude, guy, friend," Dude replied.

Servo hovered over to the table and put the rocks in stage position. "Hey, Dude, wanna sing BG?" he asked.

"[Stuff] no," Dude replied sternly.

"Hey, everyone!" said Magic.

"Hey, Magic!" said the bots.

"I thought we had a guest! I'm Magic Voice!"

"I'm DudeDude2. Say, do you have a spare polarized cou--"

"Magic," Crow interrupted, "got anything good for these guys to sing?"

"Well," Magic answered, "I have 'Do You Love Me,' 'Twist and Shout,' 'I'm a Little Teapot,' 'Moonlight Densetsu'..."

"How about a Pet Rock Band original?" Servo asked.

"All right, I'm starting the music for the Rocks' 'Igneous Blues,' okay?"

"That'll be just spiffy," said Spiffy.

"Cue track in 5...4..."

[3...2...1...]

Spiffy: Couldn't help but notice how some day,
Spammy: Some stupid imitation could take our job away!
Sticky: All we want to do is do what we can do.
Spazzy: But now, you got concrete!
Spazzy: And cement and asphalt too.

Doc: It looks like us rocks were kicked out the door.
Spammy: Putting in a driveway is less of a chore.
Squeaky: Replaced by hardening substances that don't really cost a lot.
Spazzy: I'd rather be used for walkways than as a pee place for a bot.

Crow & Tom: UP YOURS!

All: When you've got a chance, while you're putting on yours socks,
All: When you're online with e-trade and you've got some bullish stocks,
All: When you've got to see the doctor cause you got the chicken pox,
All: Think 'bout all you're deprivin' of us poor and lonesome rocks.

Sleezy: The only place you'll find us is the hilly streets of Rome,
Sleezy: Or among the weeds and fauna by your old Kentucky home.
Doc: Or in a pile of dirt by a bulldozer somewhere,
Spammy: When Desert Owl runs to the top while the coach is unaware.

Spiffy: Sure we're great for climbing or throwing out afar,
Spiffy: Where we'll smash the window of a quickly speeding car.
Squeaky: Or making a collection for all eyes to see,
Sticky: Or rolling down a hill to make huge piles of debris.

All: When you have a minute, while your science teacher talks,
All: While you're a fan of Newscorp, tuning into FOX,
All: When your car's in the shop and your down at Kragen, looking for some shocks,
All: Think 'bout all you're deprivin' of us poor and lonesome rocks.

Sleezy: The Egyptians and the Inca had a lot of sense.
Spammy: Their pyramids' and their temples' sizes were immense.
Spazzy: Even in the Stone Age, Barney and Fred
Spazzy: Had houses that lasted long after their show was dead.

Doc: We'd make a better building than one made of brick.
Sleezy: Heck, we'd probably taste better than Nestle Chocolate Quik.
Spiffy: But when you think about it, the best new use for us,
Sticky: Is getting thrown into the windshield of a moving city bus.

All: When you're at a Chinese restaurant, cleaning out the woks,
All: While playing with little preschoolers, and you have those duplo blocks,
All: While Star Trek's on, and your vision's bad, and you see 30 Spocks,
All: Think 'bout all you're deprivin' of us poor and lonesome rocks.

Sleezy: Stupid Son of Skywalker let a pile of us fall
Sleezy: When his friends from the future made an unexpected call.
Spazzy: Even Master Yoda yelled, "CONCENTRAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!"
Spazzy: When his young apprentice screwed over his fate.

Spiffy: But on the moon of Endor lived the furry Ewoks.
Doc: Now they were a race who actually used us rocks.
Spammy: Being primitive warriors instead of fuzzy wimps,
They used rocks and logs and spears to mess up the Imps.

All: When you're up in San Francisco, sitting on the docks,
All: When you're opening Magic packs, fishing for that Mox,
All: When you've got a plastic bin, but'd prefer a cardboard box,
All: Think 'bout all you're deprivin' of us poor and lonesome rocks.

So when you're on the SOL and you want to give a hand,
Just remember checks are payable to Tom Servo's Pet Rock Band.

All: When you want a cable modem, and you make the call to Cox,
All: When you feel like Chicken Tonight and make those chicken squawks,
All: If your muscle's kinda achin' and you're bustin' out the Knox,
All: Think 'bout all you're deprivin' of us poor and lonesome rocks.

We got the blues; the Concrete Blues,
We got the blues; the Asphalt Blues,
We got the blues; the Cement Blues,
We got the underused, always hated, thrown at windows, landslides, dig me up and throw me out...
IGNEOUS BLUES!

[End track.]

"Good show!" the bots yelled as DudeDude2 waved his BiC lighter in the air.

"Wait a second," DudeDude said. "Aren't concrete, asphault, and cement made out of rock of some sort?"

"Yeah, but," Servo stumbled.

"And what ever happened to that chain of cafes in famous cities across the globe?"

Crow was wearing a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt, labeled "Russell, Kansas."

"Gee, Crow, you sure know how to rock," Tom commented.

"[Stuff] straight," Crow replied. "Those farmers' daughters really know how to raise the roof."

"How about precious stones?" DudeDude2 continued. "No one cares about diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires, quartz, pyrite, jadeite, nephrite, kunzite, beryl..."

Spammy began sobbing.

"Nice going, Dude!" Crow yelled. "You made him think about his ex-wife!"

"Ex-wife?" DudeDude asked, puzzled.

"Yeah!" Gypsy said. "You know that diamond ring on that one DeBeers commercial?"

"WHY?!" Spammy screamed out. "WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME, AND TAKE TOPAZ AND OPAL AWAY FROM ME? MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN ARE GONE, MY LIFE IS A MESS, AND I'M STUCK UP HERE WITH THESE DROIDS THAT NEVER KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP! NOT TO MENTION MIKE! THAT B.S. FILLED SON OF A B--"

"Whoa, calm down, man!" Dude said. "Don't worry, she'll come back to you some day!"

"Really?"

"Sure! Heck, maybe one day, somebody will want to be within a few klicks of me!"

"Okay!" Spiffy cried out. "And for our next number..."

Spiffy: Buddy you're a boy make a big noise playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day
Spiffy: You got mud on your face
Spiffy: You big disgrace
Spiffy: Kickin' your can all over the place

The Bots, the Rocks, and Magic: WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! Singin' WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!

Spiffy: Buddy you're a young man hard man shoutin' in the street gonna take on the world some day
Spiffy: You got blood on your face
Spiffy: You big disgrace
Spiffy: Wavin' your banner all over the place

The Bots, the Rocks, and Magic: Singin' WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!

DudeDude2 (in terrible singing voice): Buddy you're an old man poor man pleadin' with your eyes gonna make you some peace some day
DudeDude2: You got mud on your face
DudeDude2: You big disgrace
DudeDude2: Somebody better put you back into your place

All: WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!

Cheers Cast: WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!

Suddenly, red lights flashed and sirens rang out.

"OH," Sam Malone yelled out. "WE'VE GOT DiC DUB SIGN!"

Door 6 is a giant $20 container of saffron. You realize that less than a gram of herbs isn't worth it.
Door 5 is a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses. You are satisfied knowing you won't burst into flames when a vampire bites your neck.
Door 4 is a fake copy of a poster. Thus it is an imposter.
Door 3 is a sheep. You clone it. Then the clones rule, destroy a planet, and rename the galaxy BAAAAAAAA.
Door 2 is a white monkey. He reminds you a little of DudeDude2.
Door 1 is a bottle of vitamins. You take one and feel like running around and jumping, shouting, "YIPEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.

Dude walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Dude takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The dub continues.

>[Saffron's bathroom]

Crow: Hey, we were right! This dub is full of [stuff]!

>Saffron: Let go! Uh, someone, help me!

Tom: I've been let go and I need a job that pays more than three million a gig!

>[Clone makes a nasty grin.]

Dude: (imitating Clone) Let's see, next person to jump in the shower and take the form of: Hilary!

Tom: At least Hilary's used to seeing girls like Saffron in her bathroom.

>[Downtown Stage.]

Crow: (singing) When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go...

Tom: DOWNTOWN!

>[Jedite is disguised in a lavender suit and glasses.]

Dude: Think he looks like a pimp?

Crow: Yeah, that monkey suit looks great on you.

Dude: (tightening spiffy bowtie) Why, thanks, I got it dry cleaned yeste--HEY!

>Jedite: You too can be famous!

Crow & Tom: WE CAN BE SUPERSTARS! WE'LL BE LIKE SAFFRON!

>Jedite: But first you've got to know how!

Dude: NO ONE in this thing has any know-how.

>Jedite: Here to tell you, the fabulous...

Crow: Sally Struthers!

Tom: No! Suzanne Somers!

Dude: Yeah!

Suzanne Somers: (enters from left side of theater with boxes) Hello!

Dude and the Bots: Hello!

Suzanne: Each of you gets your own complimentary Thigh-Master! (hands them each a box and sits down)

Crow: Tom, don't we already have one?

Tom: Yeah, but the dead chicken screwed it up.

Dude: (having a butt workout on the floor of the theater)

>Jedite: ...Saffron!
>Saffron: Hello, everyone! I'm happy to bring you great news!

Dude: (sitting down, imitating Saffron) The Negaforce has taken over, and you are all my slaves! Great news for me, tee-hee!

Suzanne: Hey, Saffron! Looks like that [stuff] of yours needs a little work!

>Saffron: You're all invited to take part in our thrilling Starquest contest!

Dude: Isn't that the auto parts chain with a college bowl game?

Suzanne: No, that's Carquest.

Crow: How about that attorney's exam?

Suzanne: That's the BAR test.

Tom: The thing that is most distant from something?

Suzanne: That would be farthest.

Dude: How about gathering crops?

Suzanne: Harvest.

Tom: The thing that either occupies the most volume or carries the most mass?

Suzanne: Largest.

Crow: What about the processed dairy product that varies in taste, form, and shape, in various kinds such as Cheddar, Brea, Feta, Parmesan, Romano, Mozarella, and Jack?

Suzanne: That's cheese.

>Saffron Fan #1: I can't believe it's really her!

Dude: She's the poster girl for the vitamins!

Crow: Didn't figure that one out yet?

Suzanne: I have to go, guys. Enjoy your Thigh-Masters!

Dude and the Bots: Bye, Suzanne!

Suzanne: [exits theater]

Crow: I'm sure as heck going to watch Step by Step and Three's Company tomorrow.

>Saffron Fan #2: She's tall in person!

Dude: Yeah, well, that makes up for that cheap expensive [stuff] Saffron you get at the supermarket.

>[Saffron's satellite dish emits some sort of waves.]

Tom: Aaaaaahh! It's Dr. Forrester's! It's sending us the dub!

Crow & Dude: Shut it off! SHUT IT OFF!

>Saffron: So join us!

Crow: Eight is enough. But there's plenty of room *under* the bed...

Dude: Whoa.

>Saffron: Just be sure...

Tom: I'm sure I used my Sure.

Crow: I'm sure I'm sure I used my Sure.

Dude: What the heck? Come on! Degree! Arm & Hammer!  Soft N' Dri!

>Saffron: ...that you sign up in teams of two.

Crow: You'd think the Negaverse wanted more threesomes and foursomes for...

Tom: Stop it, Crow!

>Saffron Fan #1: Let's do it!

Dude: Oh, let's not...

>Saffron Fan #2: Yeah, we could team up together!

Tom: (imitating Saffron Fan #) Well, we couldn't team up separately.

>Saffron Fans #3 & #4: We'll all be like superstars!

Crow: Wow, Saffron has more fans than Roseanne.

>Saffron Fans #3 & #4: We're gonna be just like Saffron!

Dude: (imitating Saffron Fan #3) We're gonna get raped in the bathroom by an all-purpose Negaverse youma!

Crow: Then we'll get cloned, and the imposter will make us seem like some snotty, uptight b--witch.

>Jedite: Hehehehe...

Tom: Uh, meme?

Dude: (pointing to upper left) What's that say? Cinderella?

Crow: Well, life isn't full of pumpkins, I'm not staying up until midnight, and I sure as heck hope DudeDude is my fairy godmother.

Dude: Shut up or lick me.

Crow:

>[School. The girls are talking.]
>Girl #1: Did you guys hear about Saffron's big Starquest contest?

Dude: Doesn't Starquest sound like some 1980's arcade game?

Crow: Only one with nude pics of Speed Racer.

Tom: Stop it, Crow, or I'll shove an Atari cartridge up your--

Crow: Wouldn't that give me a Pong!

>Serena: What contest? Huh?

All: THE STARQUEST CONTEST!

>Molly: Wait!

Tom: (hums Jeopardy! theme)

Crow: (reads Cosmo)

Dude: (watches muted CNN)

Tom: (whistles)

Crow: (reads Feb '83 Vanity Fair)

Dude: (watches muted curling competition)

Tom: (paces to left end of theater and back)

Crow: (reads Highlights for Children and draws on the maze)

Dude: (listens to soothing elevator music)

>Molly: Let me guess.

Crow: Let me DKNY and we're even.

>Molly: You were asleep!

Tom: SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!

>Serena: No! I had to stay in class for...

Dude: (imitating Serena) ...being naughty during reading circle.

Tom: Dude...

Crow: Yeah, the book was Everything You Didn't Want to Know About the Porn Industry, But We'll [Stuff] Up Your [Stuff] Anyway (No Pun Intended).

>Serena: ...study hall.

Crow: They were *study*ing in the hall?

Dude: I'm transferring!

Tom: Come on, guys! Shut up!

>Girl #2: Anyway, she said that...

Tom: (imitating Gril #2) I can get a great career in the fast food industry! She was impressed when I said "J'like friezz wit' dat?"

>Girl #1: Mm hmm!

Dude: Campbell's! Official Soup of Anime Everywhere!

>Girl #2: ...two lucky people...

Crow: (imitating Bob Eubanks) ...will win a simply *fabulous* trip to Hawaii on the Newlywed Game!

Tom: Dun, dun, da dun dun DUN!

>Girl #1: Mm hmm!

Dude: Campbell's! Soup of the future!

>Girl #2: ...would get picked...

Crow: (imitating ESPN baseball guy) ...off at second base! What a play by the defense! Wait a minute; he balked! Screw the pitcher!

>Girl #1: Mm hmm!

Dude: Ah, forget it.

>Girl #2: ...as the winners.

Tom: Well, if they weren't the winners, they weren't so lucky, now were they?

Crow: As long as you do your best, you're a winner.

>Girl #1: Everybody's eligible,

Dude: Except residents of FL and where prohibited by local, state, or federal laws. Ends September 30. No purchase necessary. Residents of WA and VT may omit return postage.

>Girl #1: and the...

All: MM HMM!

>Girl #1: ...winning team gets a contract just like Saffron's.

Tom: Saffron once made Seven No-Trump Doubled and Redoubled while they were vulnerable.

Crow: No grand slam for you, DudeDude.

Dude: Up yours.

>[Melvin climbs up the stairs.]
>Serena: (remembers Luna and giggles) Our team's set! (giggles)

Crow: (imitating Molly) That reminds me! Brandy, you still owe me that set!

Tom: (imitating Brandy) I thought you got a new set!

>Molly: Well, aren't you forgetting something, Serena?

Dude: (imitating Serena) I don't know. I forgot.

>Molly: You don't have a partner!

Dude: (imitating Serena) Who cares? I'm the perfect dummy!

>Melvin: Are you talking about me?

Tom: (imitating Molly) Yes, dear, it's fun to make jokes, I mean, laugh about, er, talk about you!

>Melvin: (shakes his butt)
 
Crow: Get down with your bad self, Melvin!

Dude: (singing) Shake shake shake...

Tom: (singing) Shake shake shake...

All: (singing) SHAKE YOUR BOOTIE!!!

>Melvin: Hey, Molly, check out this cool move...

Dude: (imitating Melvin) Just make sure you don't return it overdue!

>Melvin: ...for my new routine.

Tom: I guess all of Molly's routines make people dance like a big geek.

Crow: (imitating Serena) I like your new routine, Melvin, if you know what I mean...

>Molly: I told you not to say we're partners!

Dude: (imitating Melvin) I didn't! I simply mentioned that you, Molly Baker, were a member of the same group that I am that is to participate in the Saffron's First Annual Tokyo Starquest contest where a team of two people will show their lack of talent to get a five million dollar contract.

Crow & Tom: (stare into space)

Dude: (imitating Melvin) Did I mention that I have an authentic copy of a poster of Saffron that I got in a contest I entered when I joined the Saffron Fan Club?

Crow & Tom:

Dude: ON THE INTERNET?

>Melvin: And I won't tell them how you begged me to do it either!

Dude: She begged him to *do* it?
 
Crow: That Beggin' Strip makes her wild every time...

Tom: Bacon, bacon, I smell bacon, gotta be bacon, only one thing smells like bacon, that's bacon! Bacon, bacon, bacon over there!

>[The other girls gasp.]

All: *gasp*

>[Downtown Stage.]

Tom: I thought it was the Wells Fargo Stage...

>[The satellite dish is still emitting waves.]

Crow: Two hundred and fifty channels, and nothing is ever on...

>Saffron: You're all signed up, right?

Crow: (ups a sign reading "LICK ME")

Dude: (ups a sign reading "NO THANKS")

Tom: (throws Post-It notes at DudeDude)

>Starquest Partcipants: Right!

(The theater begins rotating clockwise.)

Crow: Right.

>Security Guard: (runs over)

Dude: DiC put a little too much guard in that cup.

Tom: Huh?

Dude: Get it, ran over?

>Guard: What's this? No one told me about this!

Crow: (imitating Serena) Ah, you're a total DOOF---USS!

>Saffron's Manager: Saffron, what in the world are you doing up on that stage? You're supposed to be at the mall!

Crow: (imitating Molly) HUH?! DID YOU SAY SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ME?!

Dude: Not Molly!

Crow: (imitating Molly) OKAAAAAIIIIIIYY!

>Saffron: Remember you need to show you have great energy!

Tom: (imitating Saffron) Which means, if you have my pills, you get one bonus point! If you jam them into your mouth, you get two bonus points!

Crow: If you jam them into certain other openings, three points!

Dude: (imitating "Nak") Heh, heh, Nak, *openings*, heh, heheh, napalm is funny!

>Guard & Manager: Ohhhhhhhh!

All: (doing the Braves thing) OOOooOOooOoooOOooooOOooOOOooOOoooOOoooOoOOOOoOoooOOOOOOooOOOooooO!

>Guard & Manager: Heeeeeeeey!

Dude: *BAD MENTAL IMAGE*

Tom: (imitating the Fonz) Heeeeeeeey!

>Saffron: (giggles and claps)

Crow: (fiddles with panel of faders)

Dude: Where did that come from?

Crow: The place where they made it. (slides fader and laughtrack plays)

>Guard: Yahoo!

Dude: Link-- Yahoo!

Tom: (entering suckup mode) Thanks to GeoYahoo! for graciously providing this webspace!

>Guard: (does a handstand)

Crow: (walks across the balance beam)

Tom: (vaults over Dude)

Dude: (dances with a Ribbon Dancer, a beach ball, and hula hoop)

>Manger: Taa-daa!

Tom: (singing) Taa-dee! Taa-dee-doo-da-dum-dee-day!

>Manager: (lifts his leg)

Dude: C'mon! At least zip your fly down and make sure there's a hydrant!

Crow: (sniffs Dude)

>Saffron: A perfect example!

Tom: Of two guys lookin' for a third!

>Saffron: (laughs & claps)

Crow: (moves the faders)

Magic: Hey, Crow! That tickles!

Tom: Huh?

Crow: Uh, oops, wrong faders. Sorry.

>Manager and Guard: We'll be superstars!

All: (imitating Molly) SUPEEEEEEEEAAAAIIIIEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

>[Street.]
>Serena: This contest is going to be major boss, Luna!

Tom: (imitating Boss Nass) Weesa no be likin Majaa Boss Luna and za Naboo! Be gone witha her! Isa no wanta be lika dem! Desa tink desa soa smart!

>Luna: (stops & sits down) I'm not going!

Dude: (imitating Luna) I do NOT use public litter boxes.

>Serena: You can't back out!

Crow: (imitating Serena) There's an eighteen-wheeler in back of you and the rear-view mirrors are fogged up!

Tom: Parallel parking downtown blows.

>Luna: I'm not backing out because...

Crow: (imitating Luna) My back is in front!

Dude: Front your back, and side your side, shut your mouth and slap your hide.

>Luna: ...I never agreed to be in it in the first place.

Crow: (imitating horserace guy with Aussie accent) Japanese mare Luna crosses just before Secritariat and Affirmed for a first place payoff of $499 to $1.

Dude: I'm rich!

>Serena: (kneels down) You've just got stagefright!

Tom: (imitating Luna) Aaaaaaaaah! A stage! It's going to EAT me! Protect me, Sailor Moon! Kill it! Killikillikillikillikillit!

>Luna: I'm only afraid...

Tom: ...of platforms, theaters, and big screen TVs!

Crow & Dude: Aaaaaaaaahh! Talk radio!

>Luna: ...you're going to start forgetting all about your mission.

Dude: (imitating Serena) Which one was mine? San Diego de Alcala, San Luis Rey, San Juan Capistrano?

>Serena: We'll be rich and famous!

Tom: And packed with lowfat goodness!

>Luna: I'm not going!

Dude: (imitating Luna) I've already used the litter box!

>Serena: Why?

Crow: (imitating Luna) BECAUSE I CAN HOLD IT!

>Luna: Because we've got more important things to do than...

Dude: (imitating Luna) Pick our noses and do stand-up.

>Luna: ...just make fools of ourselves.

Tom: We have to make fools out of everyone else too!

>Serena: (stands)
>Luna: Besides, being in show business is serious work.

Dude: Take Pee-Wee Herman for example. You don't see him fooling around on the job, do you?

>Luna: It's all too strange, too suspicious.

Crow: She's talking about the school counseling center.

Tom: No, the cafeteria. Never know what the heck is in the magic mystery meat.

>Serena: (begins crying)
>Luna: And look what's happening between you and your friends!

Dude: (imitating Serena) I have friends?

Crow & Tom: (imitating Molly and Brandy, respectively) WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS! WE LOVE YOU, SERENA!

>Luna: Crying won't help, Serena.

Dude: (imitating Luna) Everyone still thinks you're a dollar-fifty hooker.

Crow: That's what DiC's made her out to be here.

Tom: Is the dub really this bad?

Crow: YES.

>Luna: The answer's still no.

Tom: *Bzzz*

Dude: (imitating Alex Trebex) Yes, Tom?

Tom: What is a Dutch word meaning a ship full of women who sailed out to find inner peace?

Crow *Ehhh, ehhh...*

>Serena: Who needs you anyway!

Dude: (imitating Luna) Yeah, I know! He's on first!

Crow: Who's on first?

Dude: Right!

Tom: What?

Dude: He's on second.

Crow: But who's on first?

Dude: Who's on first!

Crow: I asked you that!

Dude: Right!

Tom: Then who's on third?

Dude: No, he's on first! Idunno's on third!

Crow: How about in left?

Dude: Right!

Crow: Who?

Dude: On first.

Tom: What?

Dude: On second.

Tom: Then who's short?

Dude: No, he's on first. Mickey Rooney's short.

>[Serena runs away.]

All: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

>[Luna moans. Serena sees Darien and hides.]

Tom: Ewww! Boy cooties!

>Darien: Hey!
>Serena: (VO) I hope he doesn't come over here...

Crow: (imitating Serena) That would be a long way to come!

Tom: Crow!

>Darien: (finds Serena) Hey, Meatball Head!

Dude: (imitating Serena) Yo, Meatloaf Face!

>Darien: What're you doin' over here?

Crow: She's shootin' badgers and eatin' squirrels, all while [stuff]ing a Big Mac up her skirt.

>Darien: I thought for sure you'd be at the talent show.

Tom: Why? She has no talent.

Dude: Unless waking up late and going shopping count.

>Serena: Huh? Hmm!
>Darien: Especially since all your friends are over there...

Tom: She has friends?

Crow & Dude: (imitating Molly & Girl #1, respectively) WE LOVE YOU, SERENA!
 
>Darien: ...acting like total fools.

Dude: Acting? They are total fools!

Tom: Kinda like DiC.

Crow: And DudeDude.

Dude: Hey!

>Serena: Well, obviously I have better things to do, Darien!
 
Crow: Like *hero*es and magic markers!

>Serena: I'd love to stay and chat, but...

Tom: ...my house is on fire, Luna is scratching everyone downtown, Molly is stupid and annoying, and I have to go to soccer practice.

>Serena: ...I've got homework.

All: SO?

Dude: Why isn't she at home, working?

Tom: She's lazy, klutzy, bored, and weird.

Crow: Like you, DudeDude!

>Serena: (walks away)

Dude: (singing) Know when to walk away...

Crow: Know when to...

Tom: RUNNNNNNNN!

>Serena: (voice-over) He makes me so mad!

Dude: Somad is my favorite! It has the flavor of reallysad and the sweetness of prettybad.

>[Stage.]
>Girl #1: Do you know why elephants wear green sneakers?

Tom: They go well with the pearl earrings?

Crow: Because Dumbo can fly with Nike's?

Dude: To get to the other side?

>Girl #2: No, why?

All: WHY? BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU!

>Girl #1: It's so they can sneak around in the grass!

Crow: Yeah, somebody's been smokin' that grass, too.

>Saffron: (hits a bunch of chimes with a mallet)

Dude: N-B-C!

Crow: (hits Dude with a mallet)

>Saffron: You're in! Congratulations!

Tom: So is the fat lady, and the girls aren't feeling that congratulated right now.

Crow: Want congratulations? Here's a magic marker!

>Saffron: (stamps the girls' hands)

Tom: (imitating Saffron) Now you can re-enter any amusement park for the rest of the day.

>Molly & Melvin: (singing badly) Never running from a real fight...

Dude: She is the ONE! It's Don King!

>Saffron: (hits the chimes again)

Tom: (hangs up windchimes)

Dude: Wow, those get pretty annoying.

*clang* *clang*

>Saffron: That was great!

Crow: If you're a Barney fan.

>Saffron: You're in, too!

Dude: That's what a woman says when her husband's on the throne.

Tom: Huh? Oh.

Crow: Eww.

*clang* *clang*

>Saffron: (stamps Molly and Melvin)

Crow: (imitating Saffron) I'll register you, certify you, insure you, and send you International Overnight Airmail to Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, where an African mountain bazeeber will maul you and everyone will blame the Post Office.

Tom: We deliver for you.

>Molly: We did it!

Dude: (imitating Molly) We did it! We ate the whole thing! I can't believe we ate the whole thing!

>Melvin: We really sounded good, too!

*cling* *cling*

Tom: Dang, those are annoying!

Crow: You put them up!

>Saffron: Congratulations to all of you! You've made it into the final round of competition!

Dude: (imitating Saffron) But since all of you made it in, I have no [stuff]ing idea why we had a first round, anyway!

>Saffron: We'll see you all at the South Side Auditorium...

Tom: Oh, she's a Sox fan.

>Saffron: ...on Saturday to pick the winners.

Crow: (imitating Saffron) I mean whiners, oh, wait, weiners, um, er, ah, you all suck.

>[School.]
>Serena: (running & panting)

Dude: And DiC didn't make her out to be a dog?

Crow: Yeah, DiC!

Tom: DiC!

All: (growl, woof, woof)

*howl* *clang* *howl*

>Serena: Rats!

Tom: (imitating Zoycite) RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATS!!!!

>Serena: I'm late for study hall!

Crow: I certainly wouldn't want to be late for *study* hall. Would you?

Dude: Heck no!

>Serena: (opens door) Ah, what's going on there?

Dude: (imitating Serena) Molly, was that there last time I saw you?

Tom: Hey, Dude! Oops, another cheesy Nick show reference.

Crow: (imitating Melvin) A little privacy? Next time, KNOCK!

>Girl #1: Okay now, why don't we do our Knock-Knock jokes?

Crow: Because I just did one, [STUFF]IT!

>Girl #2: All right, me first!

Dude: Knock Knock!

Crow & Tom: Who's there?

Dude: Shelby!

Crow: Shelby who?

Tom: Jeez, another cheesy Nick reference.

Dude: (bounces and slaps butt) Shelby ridin' six white horses when she comes!

Crow: YEEEEEEEE, HAAAAAAAAW!

>Girl #2: Knock-knock!

Dude: Ope, someone on ICQ.

Tom: (imitating ICQ guy) INCOMING CHAT REQUEST.

Crow: Hey, I got spam links from Nadia, Yvonn, Darlella, and Azeele today.

>Serena: (to Molly) Wanna get ice cream later?

Tom: With CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES, CARAMEL, WHIPPED CREAM, HOT FUDGE, OREO CRUMBS, BUTTERSCOTCH, PEANUTS, AND A CHERRY?????

Dude: I like vanilla.

Crow: I want a sugar cone! With lots of sugar! And hot mustard.

>Molly: (signing autograph cards) Can't. Busy.

Tom: (imitating Haruna) Oh, come on! I've heard that excuse before!

Dude: (in strange French-Aussie-Afghan accent) If you'd like make call, pleez hang up and try again. If yew need help, hang up anden dial yor operataa.

>Melvin: PARTY TIME!

Crow: GET DOWN LIKE IT'S 1999!

Dude: WHO IS LIVING LA VIDA LOCA?

>Melvin: Get ready for our hot Starquest party!

Tom: (imitating Serena) We're even playing Pin the Tail on Melvin? Wow, this IS the place to be.

*clooky * *cling* *clang* *cleekaclokiclongclang* *clingaclingacluclang*

>Melvin: Hey, Serena, have a streamer. (hands her a streamer)

All: (twist streamers around the flagpole)

Dude: NOW it's May Day.

>Serena: You won the contest?

Crow: (imitating Molly) Yeah! It looks great on the dining room table!

>Girl #1: No, she's just got fame on the brain.

Crow: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

Tom: Citizen Kane in Bangor, Maine would be insane.

Dude: No pain, no gain, said Shirley McClain.

Crow: Yoda would train, but Luke is vain. To lift his ship, he needs a crane.

>Girl #2: Besides, we all know we're the best.

Crow: Couldn't have said it better myself.

Tom: That's right, bro.

>Melvin: Who cares? We're all gonna win!

Dude: Cuz when it comes to losing at Cinderella Caravan, it's the same as winning!

Tom: Yeah, they all lose.

>All: Yaaaay! (throw streamers)

Crow: (throws confetti)

Dude: (plays kazoos with nose)

Tom: (starts uncontrollable fire in corner)

*CLANG*

>[Schoolyard.]
>Luna: Are you really sure that you're not still angry at me...

Tom: (imitating Serena) Yeah, I'm sure, and by the way, this cruel and painful death I am inflicting on you has nothing to do with my being angry at you. Seriously.

>Luna: ...for refusing to be in the contest with you?

Dude: (imitating Serena) Hey, I don't mind, I've lived in refuse all my life!

Crow: (slides laughtrack fader)

>Serena: Actually, I'm glad that you did.

Tom: Don't get mad. Get Glad.

>Luna: But it looks like your friends are having so much fun.

Crow: (imitating Serena) I've grown out of going around asking people to pull my finger and shining their heads for dimes.

>Serena: Nope, it's all too much work for me.

Dude: (imitating Luna) So, is that any different from now?

>Luna: Really? Mm?

Tom: (imitating Luna) Did I ever tell you I starred in Cats once? Lots of catnip and free tuna, but you learn to watch out for MiSToffelees.

>Serena: Hmm,  I wonder if they'll still talk to me when they're rich and famous...

Crow: Sure, they'll be saying, "Go, girl! Go fetch the toy!"

Dude: Or "Shut up and take off my coat, Miss Butleress!"

Tom: Or "HahaHA!"

>Luna: They will if they're true friends.
 
Dude: (imitating Luna) They'll lie if they're true friends.
 
>[Platform: Serena's class is discussing the contest.]
>Molly: It's been really great practicing with all you guys.

Crow: Oh, that one is too easy...

>Melvin: We won't forget you once we've won.

Tom: (looks to his right) Who are you?

Crow: (looks to his left) Yeah, who the [stuff] are you?

Dude: (singing) Who am I? What's my name? No other DudeDude does the same...

>Girl #2: Who says that you'll win it?

Crow: But he's on first?!

Tom: No, that's who!

Crow: I thought he got screwed by Sailor Stuff!

Tom: Who?

Crow: That?

Tom: Right!

Crow: What?

Tom: What?

Dude: What's the problem?

Crow & Tom: RIGHT!

Dude: What?!

Crow & Tom: ARGHHHHH!

>Girl #1: You'll be lucky if you manage to win last place!

Tom: You'll be lookin' in the last place if you finds me Lucky Charms!

Dude: What?!

Crow: ARGHHHHH!!!

>Girls #1 & #2: Yeah!

Mike: (rolls into rotating theater head first, and then slides back out, somehow stopping the rotation)

Dude: Okay.

Crow: ARGHHHHH!!!!!

>[The two girls climb onto the platform and begin to argue with Molly and Melvin.]
>Girl #2: We're gonna be the next superstars!

Tom & Dude: WE'RE GONNA BE JUST LIKE SAFFRON!!!

Crow: ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Tom: Shut up!

>Serena: I'll be glad when this whole thing's over.

Anchorhead: You're telling me!

Crow: REAEAARAR!

Anchorhead: Yuh 'oh.

Tom: Crow's in the Cat Fist! When Crow's in the...

Anchorhead: Hold it, Shorty. DudeDude, do me a favor.

Dude: What?

Crow: (shrieks)

Anchorhead: Here 'ya go...

Dude: (somehow now holds a huge semi-automatic .594 calibar Doomsday Alpha Omega something-or-other rifle pistol machine gun) Hehehe...

Tom: Rin, pyou, tou, sha, kai, jin, retsu, sai, zen!

Dude: (pulls trigger)

Crow: (now has a yellow Post-It with kanji of "Akuryou Taisan" on his forehead)

Dude: What was that?! Baka gun! (discards weapon by throwing it in the vicinity of the corpse of Mike, knocking it onto the bridge)
 

"Thank you very much, Magic, and welcome to Star Search 2000.  Tonight, we have a special remote show from the Satellite of Love, where our champion will defend his title in the Stand-Up Comic category.  But first, let's meet our challenger! He's a high school student from Chula Vista, California, and he's infamous for killing jokes! Please welcome DudeDude2!"

A hurl of boos came from the audience.  A cabbage flew in toward DudeDude's head.

DudeDude walked toward the microphone supplied by Frank earlier in the MSTing. "Uh, hi," he timidly began.

"Hi," the audience returned.

"Well, how is everybody doing tonight?"

"Fine," the audience answered.

"Great, 'cause after all, this MSTing is finely here!  The other night, I was talking to this guy in a bar.  That was until I realized that he ate all the chewy nougat, and I had to settle for a Peanut Butter Cup! Hehehe..."

"Ha," the audience shouted.

"Speaking of cups, does anyone watch the World Cup?"

"Yeah," the audience replied.

"I can't think of anything more boring than twenty-two guys kicking a ball back and forth for ninety minutes with the score ending in a zero-zero tie. The only other place that happens is in a Vegas wedding chapel! Hahahaha!"

"Mama?" the audience moaned.

"Ouch, that was bad, well, you know that Publisher's Clearing House thing? Well, I've never heard of anything dumber in my entire life.  I know one guy who thought getting those hundred magazines would help.  Well, after about twenty years, he decided he'd call it quits and open his own Bathroom Literature Store!"

Ed McMahon stared at him.

"Yeah, and those two stupid-looking guys on the cover of the yellow envelopes..."

Ed McMahon stared at him.

"...*especially* the dumb old guy in the glasses...."

Ed McMahon stared at him. Ed McMahon walked toward him.  Ed McMahon socked him. "Our challenger, DudeDude2!"

The audience cheered. Not because it was the polite thing to do or because some stage direction sign said so, but because everyone was genuinely happy DudeDude2 was unconscious.  I mean, if you were in the audience, wouldn't you be cheering too?

Ed McMahon continued.  "Now our champion, a temp who works for a bunch of N'Sync loonies, Michael J. Nelson!"

Gypsy, in a lovely green evening ensemble, dragged Mike by his feet onto the stage in front of the microphone.  A crane lowered from the ceiling and grabbed his collar, lifting him up just so that this was officially Stand-Up Comedy.

The audience laughed.  They laughed a little more.  And some more.

Just then, a fly went up Mike's nose.

The audience laughed a little more.

Then, Mike's mouth opened, and words came out.  They were the fly's words mind you, but words nonetheless.  "I just flew in from New Joisey, and boy are my arms tired!"

The audience was in hysterics.  Flowers were being thrown on the stage.

"The other day I saw Dumbo.  You know, I've seen a dragon fly, I've seen butterfly, and I've even seen a house fly, but I've never seen an elephant fly..."

The crowd went berserk.  The laughter came from all directions, and it was fairly certain who would be this week's champion.

Ed McMahon stood to Mike's right (the audience's left), and DudeDude stood on the opposite side.

"All right, now we'll find out what the judges said about these two 'talented' comedians.  DudeDude2, the judges gave you....4 stars! A perfect score! And I would given you a load of horse manure! Mike, the judges gave you....4 stars! A tie!"

It was then revealed the panel consisted of judges named Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laalaa, and Po.

"Well, you know what that means!" Ed McMahon continued.  "Our audience decides our new champion! Please, audience, lock in your votes now!"

Crow and Tom locked in their votes.

"And now, the new champion is...."

Suddenly, red lights flashed and sirens rang out.

"OH," the audience yelled out, "WE'VE GOT DiC DUB SIGN!"

Door 6 is a deathtrap with spikes falling and darts shooting across. You dodge them.
Door 5 is a wall made out of those toy cardboard bricks of all colors and sizes. You crash through it.
Door 4 is Rosie O’Donnell. Nothing happens.
Door 3 is a wall of toilet paper. You charge through it shouting, “Stronger than ever before!!!”
Door 2 is a spoon. Why?  I don’t know. Why don’t you ask it?
Door 1 is a dartboard. One of the darts comes flying from Door 6. You dodge it and score a triple-twenty.
Door ½ automatically slides open and three shadowy figures enter the theater.

Dude walks into the dark room carrying Tom. As he places Tom into the seat to his left, Dude takes his seat, and Crow sits to his right. The dub continues.

>[South Side Auditorium: The start of the competition is approaching.]
>Serena: How weird. I thought this place closed months ago.

Dude: You be dissin' my homeys on da South Side?

[Cue: I Wanna Be a Star.  Saffron is backstage with the other contestants, and although the show is about to start, there is no audience.]
>Saffron: Everyone's here. We need you all to be ready.

Dude: (imitating Saffron) All right then, LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!

>Saffron: We're expecting you all to put on a good show.

Tom: No, we're not.  It's gonna be a potload of B.S.

[The curtains begin to rise.]
>Girl #1: You know your punchlines?

Tom: Dude, how about a nice Hawaiian Punch?

Dude: Why, sure!

Tom: (socks Dude)

>Girl #2: Yeah.

Crow: Uh huh, that's right.

>[The lights turn on, and there appears to be a sell out audience.]
>Molly: It's packed out there.

All: GO PACKERS! WOOOO!!!

>Girl #1: We're gonna win!
>Girl #2: Right.

Crow: No, left! Left!

(The theater begins to rotate clockwise once more.)

[The security guard and agent are on.]
>Guard: My one-armed handstand!

Crow: Not as good as my no-armed handstand!

Tom: You're joking!

Crow: No, I'm not.  Dude, grab my hand.

Dude: (grabs Crow's claw)

Crow: Pull.

Dude: (yanks it off)

Crow: Stand it up.

Dude: (stands it up)

>Agent: And my super stomach cruncher!

Tom: *grabs Dude's stomach*

Dude: What the...*crunch*...Hey! That hur...*crunch*...Ouch! Stop it...*crunch*...Aaah! Bite me!

Tom: I am! *munch*

>Saffron: Hmmhmhmm.  Now to get energy for Queen Beryl.

Tom: *mm-munch* Aah! What did you do, Dude?

Crow: He implanted bug bombs in his fat.

Tom & Dude: What?! (faint)

Crow: Wow. I killed everyone today.

>[The fake Saffron turns a small knob on her microphone. It drains energy, which Jedite gathers.]
>Jedite: Excellent.

Crow: (imitating Mr. Burns) Eeeeexcellent.

>Jedite: Queen Beryl...

Crow: ...will be very pleased. Yeah, yeah, stop your whining. Shut up and get on with it.

>Jedite: ...will be very pleased.

Crow: Uh huh...

>[The contestants are becoming extremely tired. Serena peeks at the contestant on the stage.]
>Serena: Luna, what's that? Huh?

Crow: (imitating Serena): Ewww! I've never seen that before! Uhhhh--barf---hhh...

>[Luna appears and sees energy waves coming from the contestant onstage.]
>Luna: Energy waves!

Crow: (imitating Luna) If I watch long and hard enough, maybe I'll catch a four- or six-footer...

>[When Saffron turns around, it's shown that she's actually a youma.]
>Monster: May I help you, dear?

Tom: Oh, please do, sweetie pumpkin pie.

>Serena: Oh no!

All: (groaning) Ooooohhh, nooooooo...

>Serena: Luna, let's get out of here!

Crow: Dude, let's get out of here!

Tom: Good thinking, Crow!

Dude: Sure! (tries to get up) Wait a sec, I think I'm velcroed to the chair.

Tom: I've got Elmer's Glue.

Crow: I'm stuck with the scotch tape.

All: (turn around and stare at you) ERRRRRRRR!!!!

>[Serena and Luna dash out.]
>Luna: Serena, wait!
>[Serena runs into the ladies' room.]

Dude: Couldn't hold it 'til the intermission...

>Luna: Serena, you all right?

Crow: (imitating Serena) *moan* I think it's something I ate, ohhhh*groan*...

>Luna: It's time to become Sailor Moon!

Crow: That's easy. Open the stall door.

Tom: Ewww...

Crow: I'm not the one who wrote the dialogue...

>Luna: Let's go!

Dude: What do you think I've been doing, Luna???

>Serena: I can't. I'm too scared.
>Luna: But your friends are in big trouble.

Dude: With a capital T and that rhymes with P which stands for Pool!!!

>Luna: It must be Queen Beryl's doing.

Tom: Heh-Yowuche!

>[Serena steps out of the stall.]

Dude: I think she forgot to flush...

Crow: Dude, shut up!

>Serena: Okay, if I really have to.

Crow: What was that? "I don't want to." "But you have to." "Okay." What the [stuff] is that?

>Serena: MOON PRISM POWER! [transformation]

Dude: She didn't wash her hands either--

Crow: Shut up, man!

>[Stage. The audience continues to clap for the performers, who are now almost completely drained of energy. Among these are Molly, the two Girls, the security guard, and Melvin.]

Crow: Molly is always either the first or the last to go, huh?

Tom: Yup.

>[The clone turns off her draining microphone.  Then, the audience suddenly disappears.]
>Saffron: Uh oh.
>[The curtains come down.]
>Sailor Moon: The curtain is closed on this bogus talent competition.

Dude: Literally.

>Moon: Now give these people back their energy!

Crow: Is she trying to pull off the "I don't want to." "But you have to." "Okay." thing?

>Saffron: Who are you?

Tom: (imitating Moon) The question is who are you???

>[The spotlight shines on Sailor Moon.]
>Moon: I am Sailor Moon, Champion of Justice! On behalf of the moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means YOU!

Crow & Tom: On behalf of the SOL and all decency, we will punish YOU!!!

>Saffron: Hah!
>[The clone reveals herself to be a youma.]
>Moon: You don't scare me one little bit.

Crow: Oh, yeah! Just look at this guy! (points at DudeDude)

Tom: (shrieks in horror and runs away from DudeDude)

Dude: Hey! (turns around) What do you think?

Reader (You): (runs around screaming, calls 911, throws Post-Its at DudeDude, and yells, "OH, THE HUMANITY!!!"

Dude: HEY!

>[The youma attempts to freeze Sailor Moon with her breath.]

Dude: Heh, deadly breath, even with the breath mint!

Crow: Have a mento.

Tom: Thanks! *crunch*

>Youma: You can't hide.

Dude: Yup, she's constantly exposed.

Tom: That's why she's Sailor *Moon*.

Crow: That was corny.

Dude: Bite me.

>Moon: If you see Luna, please tell her I could use her help right about now.

All: Okay.

>[Moon peeks out and looks for the Youma, who is right behind her.]
>Youma: Looking for me?

Tom: Maybe you should use 1-800-US-SEARCH! Find anyone on Owl Ridge Creek Gorge, New Wyoming! Only $289,539 a search! Just enter your long-lost great uncle thrice removed's name, address, telephone number, birthdate, se.x, Social Security Number, age, e-mail, current employer, and last liver removed, and we'll send you all of this information back in about sixteen months after we find it in the public records where you found it in the first place!

>[The Youma freezes her arm.]
>Moon: Aaaah!! She's freezing me!

Dude: Dentyne Ice gum from Wrigley!

Crow: Nothing's colder than ice...

>[The Youma continues to freeze Moon.]
>Moon: Let go! Stop it!

Tom: How many times have you said that, DudeDude?

Dude: Well, let's see, there was that time in the Lasertag arena, and the one time at Jack in the...HEY!!

>Moon: I can hardly raise it!

Crow: How many times have you said that, DudeDude?

Dude: SHADDUP!!!

>Moon: Help! My fingers!

Tom: They're going to eat me!!!

Dude: Finger foods! Bwahaha...

Tom: That was corny.

>Moon: They're turning into to icicles.

Crow: And my claws are turning into Otter Pops. So lick me.

Tom: Pun intended.

Dude: Oooh, Louie Bloo Raspberry! And Sir Isaac Lime!

Crow: Don't touch my Poncho Punch and I won't touch your Little Orphan Orange, got it?

Dude: *suck*Gaaawwwtt ittt*suck*suck*crush*suck*

>Moon: Someone turn on the heat!

Dude: Just don't melt Crow's Strawberry Short Kook.

Crow: Who's got the short kook?

>Youma: Now that oughtta cool you off.

Crow: Blow hard, otherwise you might burn your mouth...

Tom: ...

>[A rose flying in from offscreen shatters the ice from Sailor Moon's arm.]

All: Takishido Kamen-sama!!! @--}--}------

>Youma: Hey! What's happening? Who dares?

Tom: Okay, Dude. I double triple double daring dawg dare you to *whispers*whispers*whispers* CROW *whispers*

Dude: Eww! No!

Tom: It's a dare!

Dude: I don't care!

Crow: Please don't and just take the *physical challenge*!

Dude: But THAT is a physical challenge!

Tom: Come on, you know you want to...

Dude: Well...

Crow: Sit down, Dude...

>Tux Mask: You must believe in yourself, Sailor Moon.
>Moon: Tuxedo Mask! Thank you!
>Tux Mask: Don't mention it.

Crow: AAAAAHH!!! He mentioned 'it'!!!

Tom: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Dude: What the?

>[Exit Tux Mask.]
>Youma: Who's that man in the cape?

Crow: (singing) Cuz him I'd like to rape...

Tom: (singing) He made my baby smack me in the face...

>Youma: Let's find out.

Dude: (imitating Mr. Owl) Uh-one, uh-twoooo, uh, threeee. Uh-threeee.

>[Youma tries to jump after Tux Mask. Luna catches up with Moon.]
>Moon: Hi.

Crow: Ho.

>Luna: Don't let her get away!
>Moon: I won't! MOON TIARA VAPORIZE!!!

Tom: Nani? Vaporize?

Crow: Uh, huh! Watch me vaporize DudeDude2! (pours Vicks Vaporub over Dude)

Dude: AH! [Stuff]ing fat[stuff][stuff]! Man, I gotta go take a shower now!

Tom: That's right, Mr. Filthy McNasty!!!

Dude: Lick me, squirt! (exits theater)

Crow: Man, what's his problem?

>[The tiara destroys the youma's mic. The globe that collected the energy is destroyed.]
>Luna: You defeated them, Sailor Moon.

Tom: (imitating Moon) No, my clone defeated them.

>[The participants wake up.]
>Molly: Oh, wow, that was a weird dream.

Crow: (imitating Molly) Wow, it seemed like forever! Kinda like sixteen months! Wow!

>Melvin: Yeah.

Tom: Uh huh.

>Girl #1: You know what?

Crow: No.

>Girl #2: You never wanna hear another knock-knock joke.

Tom: And then the intercom guy said to the doorbell salesman, "I'll turn your bloody knobs!"

Crow: HA HA HA!

>Girl #1: Exactly.

Tom: Ouch, it hurts!

Crow: It hurts?

Tom: Exactly.

Crow: Hurts, exactly.

>[Saffron's bathroom.]

Crow: Oh, YES! DudeDude's gonna be sorry he left...

>[Saffron is freed and awake.]
>Saffron: Oh, I must be working too hard.

Crow: Work hard, then play hard.

>[Tsukino household.]
>Serena: Oh, wow, what a week.

Tom: And I got a fourth Time this week! AY!

>Luna: I was really proud of you today.
>Serena: Thanks, Luna.
>Luna: Now use all that good energy...

Crow: Heh, heh, TDNSR!!!

Tom: Huh?

Crow: That does not sound right! Nak! Nak nak!

>Serena: Uh huh.
>Luna: ...to study!

Crow: BWAHAHA!

Tom: (imitating Serena) But Molly and Melvin aren't here!!! WAHHHHHHHH!

>Serena: Oh, study? Oh....

Tom: Let me grab the textbook!

Crow: And I'll get the TI-86!

>SAILOR SAYS

Crow & Tom: Yay.

>Serena: It's fun imagining being a movie star or rock-and-roll idol.

Tom: (dressed as eighties punk rock star with hot pink mohawk) WAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUPPPP????

>Serena: All that attention, money, and fame.

Crow: (imitating Serena) But I don't wanna live on an island for 39 days!!!

>Serena: But it's no good trying to be somebody you're not.

Tom: That's right, Tom.

Crow: Right, Crow.

>Serena: What makes a real star isn't about fame or money

Tom: Sounds like Utopia...

>Serena: But about being the best you can be...

Crow: Yeah, yeah, be all that you can be in the Army, yeah, yeah...

>Serena: Be a star in your life. That's what really counts!

Tom: No, my abacus is what really counts!

>Serena: Right, Luna?
>Luna: You said it.

Crow: 'It'? NOOOO!

Tom: Yeah, that IRS guy was freaky.

Crow: Yeah, I just hope he never comes back....

>Luna: Now only if you'd practice what you preach, Serena!

Crow: (imitating gospel choir) Praise the Lord!

Tom: IT'S OVER!

Crow: (still singing) HALLELUJAH!!!

"Oh, wow, what a nightmare," Mike said quietly to himself as he arose from a very uncomfortable position on the floor.  He was numb, *very* numb. "Oh, [stuff], the dub!!!"

"Hey, Mike," Crow greeted coldly as he leaped over the live carcass on the ground. "Mike? You're alive?"

"He's alive!!!" Tom shouted as he entered the scene coming from Crow's room. "Hey, we're playing CarKraft X Deluxe! You wanna come thrash some German automaker factories?"

"No, I'm fine," Mike answered as he struggled to stand up. "Besides, aren't the Mads sending us something evil to watch?"

"Well, you missed it," Crow snickered enviously, "just because you were DEAD!"

"Sorry," Mike apologized. "Say, you guys didn't divide up my property yet, did you?"

"Well, actually," Crow admitted, "Tom took your sandals, I took your model airplane, Gypsy took your Legos, Cambot took your Rainbow Brite bedspread, and DudeDude took your Hanes."

"Who?" Mike asked confusedly.

"DudeDude2," Tom answered. "The guy who killed you."

"Yeah, his A-wing's in the docking bay for repairs," Crow explained.

Just then, DudeDude came on to the bridge. His face was flustered, and his bloodshot eyes made him look very drained.

"Uh, are you all right?" Tom asked of him.

"Must collect energy!" DudeDude exclaimed. "Must bring awesome power for the Negaforce!!! Mwahahaha!!!"

Mike, in ticked off mode, drew his closed fist back and swung. He landed a nice, clean blow to DudeDude's lower jaw, and continued by turning to his left. He then performed a flawless sidekick to DudeDude's chin.

"Sit down, fool!" DudeDude yelled as he grabbed Mike around his waist.  He lifted Mike up above his head and threw him into a pile of CarKraft strategy guides.

Mike, realizing this beast's enormous strength, used the Force to grab his special weapon, a lightsaber he custom made during his weird days back in Wisconsin.  The blade of pure energy had saved him more than once, but never had Mike ever seen such an enemy as this one ever before.

This is gonna be so easy, Mike thought. He activated his saber and slashed it in the air a few times. He threw it up in the air to make a weird twirlie spiral baton dooptie with it. Then he deactivated it and threw it at the vending machine.  Out came a can of Red Bull energy drink, which hover straight into DudeDude's hand. He popped the can, guzzled the [stuff], and grew a pair of feathered wings. He flew right over where DudeDude's aching body lay, and tackled him.  Mike then began tickling DudeDude in his lovehandle area.  Mike then kicked Dude in the face.  He grabbed Dude's left arm and ripped it off.  Mike then used the dismembered limb to beat the crud out of DudeDude.  Mike retrieved his weapon of choice, activated it, and made a guillotine style slice into Dude's neck.

"Aww, did you have to kill him that quick?" moaned Crow. "We could have been sadistic and tortured him for a few days..."

"Nah, I think it's better for him to escape in whatever way he can," Mike argued.

A shadowy figure appeared in the doorway of the bathroom. The figure was really tall, and really thin.  A flash of light showed his spiked hair to be a dark brown, and everything else to be really disgusting. (That's, of course, because he's in a towel. He just took a shower.)

"Hey, Mike," the tall figure said in a nervous tone. "I'm glad to see you aren't dead..."

"Who the [stuff] are you?" Mike asked, the tone of his voice showing his lust for blood.

Thankfully, the young man was putting on his flight suit. "A friend. I was taking care of your bots for you."

"[STUFF] YOU, LIAR!" Mike screamed as he chased the pilot down the hall leading toward the launch bay. The pilot quickly jumped into the cockpit of his A-wing while Mike fired his heavy blaster at the A-wing's fuselage.  A barrage of steam was emptied from the A-wing's thruster and the starfighter took off into the dark vacuum of the AOL's cave.  Mike and the bots returned to the bridge, where they manned their battle stations.

Mike ran over to the steering wheel of the SOL. Crow manned the laser turrets, Servo headed to the warhead launching computer, and Gypsy watched the radar. Mike pushed the throttle violently to 100% power. The ship headed straight out into the darkness of space, following the lone starfighter.

"Sir," a young, lean officer reported, "a new ship has been located on the radar."

"What class?" Admiral Ackbar asked.

"We can't tell," the officer said.  "It's unlike anything we've ever seen."

"Disable it and capture the pilots if you can," the tall Mon Calamari ordered. "We can't let the Imperials gain any advantage with new technology such as that."

"Yes, sir."

"Oh, we're gonna die! We're gonna die!" wailed Crow as Mike maneuvered the SOL through the entire mess of fast moving fighters, lasers, ion blasts, concussion missiles, tractor beams, heavy torpedoes, asteroids, Death Stars and a Kinko's.

"Shut up and keep firing at Black 9!" Mike screamed as he dodged pretty much nothing.

"Can I at least turn on the radio?" asked Crow.

"OOOH! Let's listen to smooth jazz!" Tom exclaimed.

"Shut the [stuff] up!" Mike yelled. "Tom! Get a lock on that A-wing!"

"Sure thing, boss," Tom replied as his targeting computer maintained a hold on the ship.

"Magic! What kind of missiles does this sucker have?" Mike asked.

"All of them!" Magic answered.

"WHAT?!?!"

"Pick one and we've got it," Magic said. "They don't call them the Mads for nothing."

"FIRE THEM AT BLACK 9!!!" Mike shrieked. "FIRE THEM ALL!"

"Huh?" Tom was dumbfounded. "[STUFF] NO!"

"DO IT!" Mike cried.

"Okay," Tom complied. He pressed a really big red button that read, "DO NOT PRESS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!" An uncountable number of loud ear-piercing sirens and horns went sounded in unison as the same number of missiles were launched from hidden spots in the hull of the ship.  They all met at the exact point in time and space where Black 9 just happened to be. A burst of light enlarged and engulfed everything, continuing to consume Black 9, the SOL, Home One, the AOL, Death Star III, the Earth, the Sun, the Milky Way, the universe. Everything melted into a pile of green gelatinous goo.

A deafening silence reigned. Mike slowly opened his sore eyes as he regained his consciousness. He picked himself up from the cold ground and stared into the black nothingness. He turned to his left and saw nothing. He looked to his right; nothing. Behind him, nothing. He faced forward and squinted his eyes, making out a small spec of light. He sprinted toward it. With every step he could feel his shivering body feel a melting pang of warmth.

"STOP!!!" a voice called out from behind him.

Mike turned at yelled out, "Who's there?" but no one answered. "WHO CALLED ME???"

"It was I," the voice returned. A figure suddenly emerged from the darkness. It was a young female, around sixteen years of age Mike guessed.  She was wearing a black leotard and her hair was wrapped in a ponytail, which bounced as she approached Mike.  A look of confidence gleamed in her eyes. In her hand she held the handle to a Ribbon Dancer, which she was swinging about, allowing the streaming ribbon to circle around her. "They call me the Black Rose of St Hebereke High Rhythmic Gymnastic Martial Arts!" she said.  And then she let out a cackle, unmistakably revealing her to be...

"Kodachi Kuno," Mike said aloud.  "What the [stuff] are you doing here?"

"Oh darling, I'm the Black Rose! You can never escape me! OH-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!"

"Bye," Mike said as he turned around toward the light and resumed his approach toward the light. He was stopped when he felt something grasp his neck and pull him backward. He grasped his neck with his left hand while he reached toward his right side for his lightsaber, but he soon realized it was missing.

Kodachi continued to laugh maniacally.  "Darling, you can NEVER escape me!" she said as she reeled in her ribbon. Mike sighed as his hopes of reaching the bright light.

"What do you want anyway?" Mike asked.

"Oh, just to have the fate of your entire existence to rest in my very own two hands!"

"What existence?" Mike questioned. "Hasn't the entire universe been cast into oblivion thanks to my stupidity?!"

"Well, yes," Kodachi explained, "but some divine force has given you a second chance. I must judge your worthiness."

"WHAT DIVINE SPIRIT WOULD GIVE *YOU* ANYTHING?" Mike screeched.

"The great Nine spirits that secretly rule the entire galaxy!" She paused for another "O-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO" and then pointed to a dark space where nine paintings appeared, Brady Bunch style. "Louis XIV, Winston Churchill, Genghis Khan, Barney, Johnny Five, Alex Trebek, Sigmund Freud, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Rumiko Takahashi! The Nine spirits that have governed and will govern the cosmos for eternity!"

"You have got to be joking me," Mike commented.

"Oh, no," Kodachi replied. "Remember who came to see the CarKraft game? The great Nine were watching you, trying to get you killed before you could do any more damage than you had already done. But nooo. You just had to go and destroy the universe, huh, darling?"

"Heh", Mike laughed nervously. "But why did they choose you?"

"Because everyone else eligible had a few mysterious injuries..." She proceeded with another "O-HO-HO-HO-HO!" "But now, I've got a job to do. Your new life..."

"No, WAIT--"

Kodachi watched as Mike disappeared from the darkness. She saw her warm breath in the frigid air against the dark background.  She looked in the distance and saw the bright light that Mike was chasing. Then she twirled her ribbon about as she hopped onto the sofa the great Nine overlords had kindly provided. She grabbed one of the throw pillows and squeezed it with her elbows as she grabbed a remote control. She pressed the power button, and appearing from nowhere was a huge screen.

"O-HO-HO-HO-HO!" she laughed aloud as she flipped through the channels of the MikeVision. At last she found something that was *remote*ly interesting...

"For the next 39 months, these sixteen castaways will live on a remote island off the coast of Borneo. But in the end, one Survivor will take home one million dollars. Join us, for Survivor!"

Day Forty-Two

"He's the only one that stripped down with me!" said Rich. "How cool is that?"

"Where's all the tapioca?" asked Susan.

"Uh, moo," said Stacy, Jenna, and Colleen.

"What're Bill and Monica doing in the woods, you guys?" asked Gervase.

"I dunno, I could've really used those Mentos from the reward challenge," Mike said as he sipped his juice cocktail from a cocunut while reclining on a beach chair with eunechs fanning him as he typed his memoirs on his Thinkpad. "Since we have to go to tribal council tonight, I guess it's time for another voting off one of our own." He paused to take another sip. "It'll be a real tough decision, since we're all friends and all..."

Tribal Council

"All right, let's tally up the votes," Jeff said as went back to grab the voting box. When he returned, he opened up the box and began revealing the votes.

"Before I tally the votes, I must remind you that whoever is voted off must leave the island immediately. All right..."

"First vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: the eunechs."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Next vote: Mike."

"Last vote: Mike."

"Mike, I need you to bring your torch over here."

"Hey, wait a minute!" Mike yelled out. "How many people are on this show?"

"Mike! The tribe has spoken!"

"Oh, all right," Mike conceded as he gave Jeff the torch. "As you know, fire represents life on this island." Jeff put out Mike's flame, and then said, "okay, please spin the wheel to choose your death: hanging, drowning, freezing, or surprise!" Mike responded by grabbing his torch, beating Jeff upside the head, and running off with the treasure chest.  CBS officials chased him, but a chopper came and flew him off the island.

"Hi, everybody. Welcome to the richest, most dangerous game in America. Last week, this team climbed the Tower of Greed all the way up to winning half a million dollars. Tonight, they'll go for one million dollars. Let's meet them."

"Tom Servo"

"Satellite of Love, bot."

"Crow T. Robot"

"Satellite of Love, bot."

"Mike Nelson"

"Satellite of Love, movie critic."

"All right, Mike," Chuck continued, "you're the captain, and you have a big decision. Are you gonna keep that $500,000, or are you going to risk it for one million? Before you answer that, let me give you the category for your million-dollar question. Beverages. Now, are you going to keep the cash, or do you feel the need for greed?"

As the audience cheered and shouted for the team to go on, Mike answered, "Well, Chuck, looking at my teammates, I'd say we don't have a chance at getting the question right....Let's go for it!"

The audience cheered and hollered as a suspenseful noise let its self out.

"That's the sound of the Terminator," Chuck  explained. "It gives one player the chance to eliminate another player and take his or her money by challenging them to a one question showdown, or they can keep the team the way it is, but to sweeten the pot, I'm going to give the challenger ten thousand dollars to play the showdown, win or lose. And now I'll activate the Terminator."

The set darkened and lights flashed about as Chuck slammed a button on his podium. An electronic clang noise signaled, "Mike! The Terminator has chosen you. Is there anybody who you'd like to call out for ten thousand dollars?"

Mike challenged, "CROW!"

The audienced ooohed as the two made their ways to the center of the stage, where a Family Feud-esque buzzer was.

"Here's your ten thousand dollars," Chuck told Mike as he handed him the wad. "The winner will be playing for eight hundred thousand dollars, the loser will be out of the game. Good luck to both players."

Chuck took a deep breath before reading the question.  "What is...two...plus...two?"

Mike beat in Crow (since Crow couldn't hit the buzzer with his claw) and gave his answer of "Four."

"He got you, Crow," Chuck announced as Crow left the stage and Mike returened to his captain's podium next to Chuck's.

"Ladies and gentlemen, here is your one...million...dollar...question."

A dramatic series of musical notes followed as the lights twirled about Millionaire-style.

"I said the category was beverages. Which four of the following eight can be considered potables? *clank* Wine. *clank* Beans. *clank* Water. *clank* Tab. *clank* Paper. *clank* Earlobes. *clank* Beer. *clank* Spatula. Mike, your team still has a Freebie. You can use it now if you want."

"Yeah," Mike said. "This is tougher than I thought it would be. We'll use it now."

"Okay, the one that's gone is...Paper. All right, Crow, your answer?"

"Man, I really hate these survey questions," Crow commented. "Um, I feel fairly confident that Tab is drinkable liquid."

"That's one. Mike?"

"I'd have to go with the beer."

"That's two. Crow?"

"For some reason, I really think that Beans are potable."

"That's three. Mike?"

"I'll have to say wine."

"That's four. You're the captain, Mike, you can change any one of those answers."

"Yeah, I'm not sure of one of Crow's answers, cause I don't recall any one ever drinking it before. And I'm slightly certain that you can drink water, but I'm not sure. I think I'll reject Crow's answer of beans, and I'll replace it with water."

"All right. Is beer a drink? *positive noise thing* One away. Is wine a drink? *positive noise thing* Two away. Is Tab a drink? *positive noise thing* Three away."

Everyone took a moment to pause and relax. Then Chuck grabbed something from the money pocket.

"I am holding the keys to a brand new 2000 Jaguar XLS convertible with every feature imaginable. But not only that, in the trunk of the car is $20,000 cash, making the car worth approximately $100,000. Now, each of you has to decide whether or not to continue. If you don't think water is the answer, press the yellow button to take the car. If you want to go on for the money, press the green button. Everyone, please lock in your decision now."

"Okay, Crow what did you decide to do?"

"Well, I'm still really sure that beans are potable, so I had to stop and take the car."

"And Mike?"

"Nope, I'm going for it!"

The audience applauded as Chuck handed Crow the keys as he made his way off the set.

"All right, for one million dollars, is water a drink?"

Dun-dun-DUN!

"You're right!"

Mike excused himself from a sextuple bypass surgery that only three doctors in the world can do successfully, one of which is on an inner-peace finding expedition in the Himalayas, and the other of which is a penguin. "Nurse, just get some dental floss to tie everything up and use Scotch tape to keep everything together while I'm gone."

He washed himself up and then left the room, following the PA's instruction. He arrived at the Nurses' Station only to find a maniac leper with ADD jumping around. Mike grabbed his stun gun and zapped the fellow, completely curing the dude of the leprosy. As he made his way down the hall back to the surgery room, a gurney flew by, which of course means Mike had to assist.

"Pulse and BP rising, losing blood quick!" a nurse yelled out as Mike grabbed a hypo from his pocket and filled it with 20 cc's of Triaminic cough syrup. He injected the guy on the table with it, and he immediately gained consciousness and walked home.

As he returned to the surgery, Mike noticed that there was a strange energy shield surrounding the doorway, letting no one in or out. Mike grabbed a control cube and passed through the dimensional force field. He then grabbed a Swiss Army knife, corkscrew the guy's arteries clean, and went home to his half-million-dollar suburban home, wife, 2.6 children, and cocker spaniel.

Fred, Daphne, Scrappy, and Velma immediately ran in from the corners of the building into the foyer, where Mike grabbed the mask of the monster.

"Jinkies!" Velma exclaimed. "It's some one we've never seen before!"

"I was right!" Daphne said.

"What the?!" Mike said as he recognized the face. "It's...it's Frank?"

"Yeah, it's me, Frank."

"And you were trying to scare us off because..."

"Because Dr. F told me to. And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

"All right, Mr. Frank, the police will escort you to jail now," Fred said as the police took him off.

"Next time, Nelson!" Frank shouted! "I'll get you next time!"

The gang headed out of the haunted house, when Mike and Scooby jumped in the Mystery Machine and took off, leaving the others behind.

He then heard three young girls. They called out, "Uncle Jesse! Uncle Joey! Get down here!!!"

Mike let out a scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Kodachi! Get me out of here! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

"DAH!" Mike screamed as he pushed the girl away.  "Get away!!!"

Michelle teared up and ran out of the room. Soon later, Danny, Jesse, Joey, and Rebecca were in the room with Mike.

"Get away!" Mike ordered. "Don't come any closer!!!"

"Oh, do you need a hug?" Danny asked. "I think you do..."

"Awww..." went the rest of them as they all approached Mike from all four compass points. Mike let out another scream as he sneaked out of the group hug and jumped out the window.

Mike then grabbed Michelle's bicycle and rode it down the really big hill in the nearby park. The others hopped in the station wagon and chased Mike shouting, "WE LOVE YOU, UNCLE MIKE!!!"

Mike kept pedaling, but the bike wasn't fast enough to outspeed the car.  The family cut the bike off, when Mike decided to take off onto the trail. Leaving the bike behind, Mike headed down toward the bottom of the hill. The family chasing him, Mike crashed into a Rice-A-Roni stand outside a sourdough bread store.  The station wagon screeched to a halt, upon which the Danny, Jesse, Joey, DJ, Stephanie, Michelle, Rebecca, Nicki, and Alex all got out of the car.

"You got him, dude!" Michelle shouted as all nine of them gave Uncle Mike a really big hug. Mike shrieked like a schoolgirl and ran back up the hill, with the family chasing him.  He made his way into Kimmy's backyard, where she was getting a massage from the ABC executive staff. Mike screamed and...

Dropped to her knees, Kodachi asked, "What are you?"

"Leave Mike alone," a feminine voice replied.

Kodachi nodded as she pulled herself up. She grabbed her ribbon and twirled it about herself.  There was a cloud of smoke, and Kodachi had disappeared.

The figure turned around toward an unconscious Mike lying on the ground. He dematerialized and then rematerialized in her arms.

"Farewell for now, my dear," she whispered as the room lighted up, and Mike slowly awoke...

"Get up, Mike!" Crow rudely shouted. Mike slowly got up and out of bed and made his way toward the bridge. He let out a yawn and turned on Mr. Coffee Pot.

"Good morning, guys! Nice day, huh?" Mike said, as he absorbed the beauty of the sunrise from space.

"Uh, Mike, you've been asleep for a pretty long time..." Tom told him.

"Really?" Mike asked. "Seemed like a pretty long dub to me, too."

"No, seriously!" Crow said. "You fell asleep about a year and a half ago."

"Yeah, and so did almost everyone else in the world..." Mike said.

"Yeah, but you didn't get up," Tom pointed out. "Usually when people are asleep that long, it means they died, or the world came to an end."

Patting his lightsaber, Mike grinned.

"[STUFF]!" Gypsy screamed as she slammed her foot on the keyboard. "This crazy woman is whipping my [stuff] with something!"

"Let me see," Crow said as he and the others crowded around Crow's PC. "What? The attack of a thousand clubs? Rzor hula hoops? A ribbon whip? That I've never seen!"

"O-HO-HO-HO-HO!" laughed Kodachi as she saw her car fly around and kill everybody else on the monitor of her iMac. Then, the screen froze and the computer blew up.

Suddenly, red lights flashed and sirens rang out.

"What the?!" Mike let out. "So soon?"

"What do you mean?" Servo asked. "We haven't seen a dub since the That-you-are incident!"

"Didn't you already see episode 4 with DudeDude2?" Mike asked.

"Who the [stuff] is DudeDude2?" Crow asked.

"Never mind," replied Mike.  "Let's just get this over with."

THE END, FOR NOW

This MSTing was completed July 12, 2000.

HAHA! That's what you get for not thinking this would ever be done! I hope you're pleased with the result, and I'm sure you'll notice the really big time-bridge in the writing. Blame DiC, it's their fault.

Anyway, I know one person who is bugging me about this, and I'm sure you can figure out who it is. So if you're out there, you know who you are. This Bud's for you.

MST3K got canceled. That's not very cool. But its legacy will never die, thanks to talented MSTers who keep 'em coming, and people like me who don't :P.

And for anyone keeping track, this one comes in at the longest ever (both timewise and sizewise).

All right, later for now. As usual, C&C to cchua@sdcoe.k12.ca.us, and remember, Ukyo is watching you.

Special Thanks to: Anybody who reads this thing. If you really read it, thank you!

"Let go! Stop it! I can hardly raise it!"

Keep Circulating the Fansubs...