Kindergarten is such a great time in a young persons life, I wish I could remember more of it. I like to go back there and never leave. It’s a time when you are true artists without pride. Have you gone back and looked at some of your creations? You should check them out when you get a chance, I wish I could do that. I don’t think my parents held on to any of that. Painting was all about getting dirty and exploring colors. Everyday was new lesson in “what can I glue to paper today?“ Everything you turned in was consider art and given a gold star. The next time we are introduced to art in school was during our middle school years. This art experience was anything but fun. You have built, created and constructed apiece that took forever and pushed your creativity button; only to have your work returned because you didn’t use the colors right, angles were off and the work wasn't worthy to be hung. Ouch! By the time we enter high school; if you liked art you entered the "no longer an art class" but "perfection in design". To a painter this is great but the rest of us we walked away with an entirely different lesson learned.

Rejection on any level is hard, knowing this will continue throughout life, isn't a negative concept. Accepting failure does truly make us stronger. Life is like learning to paint; we try this and that, glue things here and there. Then one day we stop having fun and take it serious. That part of us that listens to other slowly loses the ability to hear. I know why I never listened to anything I was told, it was because I was completely unwilling to hear it. I know that it would be easier to say otherwise but that wouldn’t be true. Truth? Interesting your told it's easier than lying. Really? "Truth hurts" is an adage for a reason.

I had the chance once to be in front of a camera and I turned it down, an reaction to me now that sounds completely insane and quite stupid. I think about it now, I was quite young and if I had done it where might I be now. Was that my chance? Did I ignore God‘s offer? Did I close my eyes to something I as a child through the fear of me as an adult? It surprises and angers me that I have let all these thing go right pass me because I wasn’t ready, afraid, didn’t get it or thought I wasn’t good enough. The biggest thrill about movies for me is not just the movie it’s self but the process that it takes to get there as well. With all these thoughts in my head I still sit here unable to get most of it out clearly, it is very dishearten knowing this. I think of these great epics, ideas, stories and humorous antidotes daily but finding the instrument to voice these is completely foreign and unattainable at times. I can't begin to express to what it is about certain artists that I find intriguing, and some I can. The drive to succeed in them is part of their skin. I will succeed & knowing that drive is in me feels unreal. Yet, completely comfortable, I’m comfortable “in my skin” you could say.

I have suffered enough in my life to create several saga's full of dramatic emotions. Who hasn’t, when I think about all the quality time I have wasted in my life I can't but be angry with myself. I sometimes wish, no I do wish I could go back and start over. I know where in time I would go and begin again. It would be the fist time I felt love and lost it. I would listen to the pain and happiness better. My reaction to this pain wasn't faced with honesty. I ran from it. This is not to say that I blame anyone for my mistakes, I could have been pushed harder to get out there on my own and learn the hardship that life throws at people. I knew writing that was what I wanted to do in my youth. I just didn’t stick with it and here twenty years later and I worry that I bungled it so badly that it might be just too late for me to get where I want. I had the resources to be something great - I still do.

Can I still impress the world, my family and most importantly myself? Yep, I’m still young. I haven't died and I‘m not wanting to. I have told my parents several times that I want to die, to see if they would response to the huge amount of pain I was feeling, but they never did. Suicide as I see it is an excuse that I’m not willing to entertain. I have compassion for anyone who gets to that point, I even identify with the desire of wanting to just stop breathing, we all have felt life’s struggle tug at the worst parts of us more so than the good. Pull any entertainer aside and I bet they say that they have felt like giving up, maybe not to the point of death but nonetheless understood that overwhelming feeling. I assume future surgeon’s dream of operating and healing as teachers imagine sculpting the minds of youth today like I contemplate my form of teaching and healing. There are so many amazing artists out there. The surgeons that everyone knows still agonize over the day he/she may not be able to perform and then where will they be. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, I say artists because anything one does is art. Raising children isn’t just a job; in fact I think to say that is an insult to mothers everywhere. This is their creation, their movie, they’re painting and this is their art. As all artists they’re deeply wrapped up in their passions and gift. They never really finish filming or painting. Is it wrong to search outside yourself for this? No, in fact someone telling you that it must be found within yourself alone and only within yourself is someone who is afraid to look at him/her self closely. Why is it that we listen to the happiness only when it overpowers us and the negative when it rips through us? The in between is just as important, it’s like the middle kid syndrome. The oldest is a sense of pride; it’s your blank canvas, your rough draft. Finished pieces may not be the best but what you learned you can’t replace. The youngest is a sense of relief, you figured out how to paint. You let yourself go you don't worry about the lines or colors. It’s the canvas that gets repainted over and over, in most cases completely through away. Proving and showing that you aren’t afraid to let it take a life of it’s own. Learning to let go is a wonderful lesson. The middle is the painting that you took all your good, bad and "oh crap" out on. The pain and do-over you compare to the first is the constant reminder that this painting will be just as it is and possibly the greatest you’ll ever create.

There are opportunities for more painting, you’ve brought another canvas; it sits in the corner patiently waiting for the taste of color. Like children, some are planned, some appear without warning, some come and some are taking from us, but they all start out as a blank canvas. What if seeing a shooting star was harder than become one? If this were true, I’m in good shape then; I saw two last month. I have this overwhelming and indescribable joy constantly swimming through my system for the first time. I envision myself revealing ideas with other artists absorbing life and completely entangled in this power. Ambition is a lot like that, except for it shoots down a different backdrop. What moves you won’t always be clear, but if you listen to yourself you will discover it. Nothing is attained through waiting for it to seek you out; lotteries in life are less likely than winning one. I miss kindergarten and the innocent way of thinking as a child. Constructing a painting wasn’t the hard part, the desire not to drawn on everything else was. Our amazement in the craft and lack of fear for showing that we had as children was invaluable. I don't know about you, but I’m ready for kindergarten again.