What is it about the exploration of love that keeps us going? Seriously, eighty-five percent of the time it’s quite painful. This is not to say that there aren’t lucky people out there who discover love without many struggles. And does that mean because they didn’t suffer great amounts of heartache that they will never understand love?
The first woman I fell in love with still remains the very first person I have ever experienced complete uncontrollable love for. She is also to this today the only friend I’ve had longer than a year. The fact that I knew this love would never happen ripped through me like fire, a poison that enable me unaware to think straight and made me hollow. When she told me that she was getting married, it hurt. For ten years I had loved her with all I had, and now I knew I had to stop loving her. It was hard but I did it. In the end I was thrilled that she found someone to love. This has become a pattern for me that I’m not tired of completely. Sure my heart has really suffers from meeting incredibly magnificent women of all races and types that only end up remaining just my friends. But it really is a great feeling knowing I helped someone. If only for a moment I was able to give them light, words or pride then it was worth it. I can still say that with all honesty and still be quite upset about it. I’m not afraid of the fear of never falling in love again; it’s the journey into the unknown that scares me more.
A little under a year ago my relationship with another woman fell apart. After almost five years she decided she had enough. After thinking about it I agreed it wasn’t worth it anymore. It was a relationship that had huge problems from the beginning that neither of us was able to control. Her family never approved of us and mine did. If you can think of a problem stemming from that fact alone, we had it. In the beginning we helped each other with so many personal issues. We balanced each other out. When I finally fell in love with her; she had moved on. This would be a problem we both had to learn from. We had over the years gone through friends, lovers, friends and ended up as buddies. We didn’t even have sex to fall back on. In order to save our lives and sanity, leaving this relationship was the only way.
As that relationship fell apart a new one without warning started and didn’t stop until it had destroyed what was left of my heart. Even before that relationship could start it was taken away, which bothered us both. There was this incredible attraction between the two of us. In order to save my heart from future agony she chose to end it then. This sacrifice she made for me, made loving her even harder to stop. Let’s be honest about this sacrifice. At the time I was unwilling to see that her decision had nothing to do with me. Not any part of that short-lived relationship was about me. I had to remain just friends with her & I was fine with this, wanting this astonishing creature in my life I’d accept that anyway I could. For a while it worked & I was happy. As happy as one could be, being around someone they wanted. All was ok, expect for the boyfriend, who felt extremely threaten all the time. As tension rose by the mere idea of me being there or calling I began to see this was gradually destroying her and I expressed I would walk away from our friendship entirely if it got to be too much. Not wanting to tell me several weeks later I ‘d figured it out and walked away. Never to return as her friend; this would be the first and last time I ever left a friend.
Love? ‘M I afraid of it. Hell yes. As I have come to find out there a lot of us out there who are afraid of it more than we are willing to admit. Even the ones who are in it are still very much afraid of it. It is a search that I find very trying yet a journey I’m unwilling to stop traveling for. The quest for the land that one and all says doesn’t exists is appealing enough for me to keep going. Dating is a bitch. The process that one’s go through just to get to the actually date is exhausting. It begins with - well let’s just be honest. Sexual attraction. Sure the great personality and a wonderful heart are following close behind, but it never really starts there. It starts with sexual energy; it all comes down to that in the beginning. After that initially energy boost comes the personality radar. For me it is always the eyes followed by the smile. There is so much I read in their eyes. Eyes have been called the doorway to one’s soul. I believe it. It is here that my personal search gets throw into the spin cycle.
Dealing with issues of infidelity, abandonment and being used are sincere and honest fears that a lot of people today don’t deal with very well. Or do but not in positive ways, but expressing them none the less. That myth that attractive people don’t have self-esteem issues is just that - a myth. I have learned that it’s very hard for them to figure out who likes them and not because they look good next someone. I would say that last comment is directed at women more. I really haven’t met that many males that feel that way. Not to say that they aren’t out there. I just haven’t run into them. I imagine that people with money or fame can relate to this. “Do they really like me or what I can give them? “
In this game, journey or existence however you classified love, it is good to understand three types of people. First, are the ones who cover everything with humor. I understand this type very well. Seeing how I have mastered the humor defense. Everyone has a way of covering up who they are when they aren’t sure that who they are is someone that others want. They hide it with sex, alcohol, drugs or humor. Behind this type of person is a wonderful personality and kind eyes longing to be discovered. Unfortunately the island for which holds all their chances is out in the middle of nowhere. It is natural for people to be cautious with their hearts, waiting for the voyager to discover land is unnerving and I envy those that keep swimming, building their S.O.S. signs and eventually find their Columbus.
Second, are the ones that know exactly where they are located. Their directions were prefect and their confidence levels match their beauty. It is overwhelming for most of us to believe in this type of person & personal pride without wondering if it is truly real. A lot of how others seen these types are through eyes of jealously and envy. Two extremely powerful sensations. The one constant thing I remember people telling me as I grew up was - “believe in yourself. Take pride in yourself. Never be afraid to be yourself.” What they forgot to mention was that as we get older and follow this advice we would run into others who see our confidence as bragging. Something that I dislike even to this day. Why does someone with their confidence level set at high have to feel guilty about that and then be treated as if they are only out for themselves? It’s the unwillingness of these people that gives hope to the rest of us. Even with all their confidence they still hurts. It’s here that I learned one of the most amazing lessons in life. Being complete with yourself doesn’t mean that you are complete.
Third, are the ones most of us are. With true souls and unchangeable hearts we tend to be genuinely and often a little to kind. Our major faults are our unwillingness to take pride in ourselves as others do. Humor that most people find about us irresistible is a shield that we protect and hold close. We have the qualities that others want, just not the confidence that they desirer. Our fears of being left and having our hearts devoured remains within us as our own personal warning signals. I express my frustration with these emotions a lot, the pain of being used, abandoned & the infidelity issues. I just haven’t managed to have the strength within myself like a lot of people do. I know there are a lot of you out there like myself that aren’t completely sure which of these three types you may fall under and that is ok.
We're all searching for the piece that completes us, makes us whole. For me that is what I have been searching for my entire life. Only to learn the piece is within me already, I just need to find it and put it in it‘s place. Without finding that first I’m no good to anyone else. This conclusion doesn’t mean that I don’t cry at times and feel extremely lonely. All I ever hear from women today is that they want someone who doesn’t play games, who is honest with them, won’t cheat on them, someone that they can not only have a romantic relationship with but an friendship as well. Some don’t care what the outside package is or sex. However, I think it would be wrong to say that a lot of women followed through with this. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone attractive. I want that as well. Letting yourself go, giving yourself a chance and allowing yourself to be open-minded are harder then just telling yourself to be that way. And for many more of us admitting and expressing this is equally as hard.
As a person who loves movies and music let me add these final thoughts. A lot of movies out there burn the idea of never giving up on love. Great! I think that is awesome. The key is to allow the strength of the characters on the screen to reach within you. That feeling of wow I wish I could love like that shouldn’t be lost in the darkness of the viewing. Take that chance. Even as I write this I know that it is extremely hard to do. I find it very disappointing within myself that I don’t take chances. I think to truly understand love you have to lose it first. And that doesn’t mean love of another person. Love isn’t a confided emotion so why confide it’s meaning to just people. To give love a try we have to learn to stand-up to it.
As the song goes "We always had words to say. And nothing could tear us apart. 1 If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today? If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way? 2 Can’t you see? There’s a feeling that’s come over me. 3 Once you’ve loved somebody. It ain’t that easy to do. 4 With a love that will always be. Standing so strong and true." 5 Or in this case five different ones, not everything about love is hard, sometimes the search for simplest idea of expressing love without showing it, being in it or having it is like picking and choosing the right words.
The woman I end up with I don’t know what she’ll looks like on the outside but she is incredible beautiful on the inside. I will hold out for that kind of beauty. I remember saying to someone once that it isn’t the search that is the killer, it’s figuring out which direction to head off into that is. Your heart is the best map, surrender to it. Until the end of time trust it, even when it scares you. Being hurt isn’t always a bad thing, because without it - we’d definitely not be the people we are today. It’s incredible hard to wake up and continue that journey of love, I know that. Most of us would settle for like but that is just as hard. Giving up completely on love is like dying and for me being alone is scary enough without worrying about personal death.
(“Hi and Goodbye” A*Teens 1 “If You’re Not The One” Daniel Bedingfield 2 “Your Set Me Free” Michelle Branch 3 “Once You’ve Loved Somebody” Dixie Chicks 4 “I Still Believe In You” Vince Gill 5)
