“Time for a U-Turn” – Season preview for Crackers Basketball Club By Nenad Petrovic (player-coach-pimp) Last year we entered a team into the University League and failed miserably. Not turning up to games and losing because of weak defence and non-aggressive offence became a trend as we failed to make playoffs in two half-year seasons.The summer break found most of the Crackers lineup husslin’ and busslin’ the sunbaked courts of Tahunanui School in Nelson where many tough games were played against gritty local competition. I am taking this opportunity to proudly announce that the summer camp for the Crackers and our offseason home court will now be the J-Rob in Stoke, Nelson, a teriffic court where the only language spoken is trash. Myself, Rene, Sam (and at times Jeremy and Steve) have been actively involved in playing pre-season games in the CBA (Chinese Basketball League) every night at the gym where we kept sharp (or in my case, less blunt) for the upcoming season.Our objectives for the year are simple: make the playoffs, turn up to games (no default losses…default wins are always welcome) and alcohol doesn’t help but we’ll do it anyway just to see if Jezza (or was it Rene) can repeat that monster block from our drunken game in season II last year…in which I ripped it up being the only sober player on court (head getting biger).Talked to NZ CEO of Nike Ltd for shirt hookups and since we are world famous now, they might be able so hook us up with shirts, if not for the first semester, definitely for the second. I’m working on a logo, Jezza’s cemented our slogan “Shut Up, Whitey!” which I think is great We’ve lost our big man Tony Hawke who will not play this year due to gang rape allegations and Sam Ward who may play if given the opportunity but will hold his primary position as ‘Team Statistician’..ah Wardo. I am happy to announce that we have a top College player in our line up. Anna Walsh, winner of 2 State Championships (Ashburton) will grace the courts alongside the veteran Crackers players and is expected to average at least 10ppg. She was second pick at the recent draft and we were fortunate enough to get her. Nicknamed the ‘duracell bunny’ she is expected to run the offence and dominate on the boards. She’s our Carmello. So, to preview the lineup… Sam Ward: As mentioned, Ward will not start the season as an active player and will be our statistician. He struggled with the high intensity of last year but had some moments of class, and getting blocked by a chick. Nenad Petrovic: I am the coach and will start at F (?). Given my defensive hussle I plan to at least annoy the opposition if not achieve something else. When hot, I will provide long range magic and assists for the players who run the paint. My aim for the year: do not get posterised again AND take another charge (that was so good)…and wear as much bling as possible to games. Jeremy King: Layup specialist (cant even say it with a straight face) King will be vital to the Crackers team and is expected to provide blocks, long range shooting, severe ankle breaking and defensive pizzazz. He performed very well over the summer break at Tahuna and J-Rob (his Stoke Massive local court) Rene Smith: What can I say that the press hasn’t said yet. Our only African American player IS the team. When he’s playing well, the team plays well. He is the backbone of the Crackers squad and is expected to carry on from his All-Star seasons last year and help take this team to the playoffs. With inside presence, deadeye shooting, rebounding, passing, blinging dress style, huge afro and trashtalk as his main weapons of mass destruction, he is expected to go far with this team. The media is also awaiting a much hyped up dunk from Smith which is expected to happen sometime during the season. Steve Hay: The silent assassin. When he can be bothered showing up, Steve (Devo) is known to make or break a game. Accurate shooting and great passing are his strong points and he’s probably the only one that realises how sad and pathetic we are to get so involved in Social Sport so much, but that doesn’t change a thing. Andy Roxburgh: The most solid of all players last year, his fine hook will bring us much success. As ‘The Professor, A-Rox, whatever you want to call him, he’ll be our only big man and can expect a lot of passes coming his way. May need some steroidal help to boost those muscles but we’ll take care of that, THG might sponsor us, I dunno. He also did well in a few preseason matches that we played. Matt Young: Male model/basketball prodigy will need to get his spectacles professionally cleaned before the Comissioner allows him to take to the court. Some incriminating evidence regarding the sexual assault on a female police officer coming his way so we’ll have to take care of the legalities before you’re allowed to play…yuk.