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So, I see you are out here too. The internet, the new "boy-meet-girl" frontier, vast, impersonal and sterile. This dating thing is for the birds, don't you think? Everyone is out here in Southern California running around trying to impress each other sporting that classic Los Angelino superficial, materialistic, keep-up-with-the-Jones, "my Mercedes is bigger than your Mercedes" type attitude. By the way, did I mention that I have one in each color? Seriously, guys, I actually walk to work, barefoot in the snow, uphill both ways (didn't your dad lay that on you too?) I'm a mom now, (for the last 8 years) and I have to hone those nuggets of parental wisdom!
I'm getting off the track here. I've probably lost about 99.9% of the eligible bachelorhood located within my feasible dating distance (within a 1-hour drive from the San Fernando Valley) with my brazen commentary. (She peaks sheepishly through her fingers which cover her eyes. She cringes, as she sees 10 million unmarried men tuck their coveted glass slippers under their arms as they hastily mount their white stallions and gallop off into the sunset before she can even catch a whiff of their cologne.) Whew!! Now that those exemplary representatives of manhood have left the scene... I'd like to tell those few brave souls left standing (or at least those of you cursing at yourselves as to why you left home sans horse, eliminating any hope of escape), a bit more about me. All except you, YES YOU! YOU there yawning in front of your monitor. Feel free to continue surfing! Where was I? Oh, yes. We might as well get the vices out of the way to whittle down the pool even further. Ok, I admit it. I snore. It's out there now. Yes.....I SNORE and that probably tops my list of vices. That, and I must also admit I have no curtains on my windows at home. (All you testosterone-inflicted men, wipe that grin right off your faces. I KNOW your over-active imaginations have just gone into overdrive.) I'm not an exhibitionist! I adore nature and the peaceful feeling I get when I open my eyes in the morning and the bougainvillea is the first thing I see out my unobstructed view. That is, of course, after the dog cleans my face and I remove my daughter 's sharp elbow from my ribs quelling her urgent plea to watch cartoons at that particular critical juncture in time (before my eyes have even opened --ah the joys of motherhood!) Indeed, motherhood and my career fill up my days, my nights and my heart. And yes, after sharing that graphic depiction of my typical morning, you may be wondering....YES, there is room for you too in my life (actually we've set a place at the table for you), if you would ever step up to the plate, my anonymous partner-to-be! But please, don't trip over my bathtub in the driveway as you walk in. You see my life/home has been under remodel for quite some time. Who needs plumbing in the kitchen anyway? I am a self-proclaimed expert on creative uses for the garden hose. You'd be amazed at how the water pressure can strip the Teflon right off those greasy pans! Whom do I seek? Well if you snore too, I can deal with it, as long as you don't drool. The vision of morning saliva dribbling down your chin awakens that primal urge in me to ravage you.....ok, maybe not. That glistening trail might appeal to many-a-41 year old, financially secure, self sufficient, incredibly sexy woman (how did that slip in there?), but not this one. So droolers, thanks for stopping by. Those non-droolers in the crowd ages 40 to 50, over 5'11" and fit, who have a moderately active life style, are financially secure, love children and can relate to why dogs are the most under-appreciated mammal, may apply for a snoring permit here (That is, if you desire a long term relationship and are no longer interested in having more children.) I know there are snoring men who don't drool in Bangladesh but the commute would kill me. (Sorry guys PLEASE be local!) |
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