My name is Linda and I m 21 years old. I m in college double majoring in Writing and Business Administrations with a minor Theater Arts. If that's possible... hehehe... I just started college last fall. It took me awhile to get there, because life was confusing and rough. I didn't know where and how to start... it took me a while to figure out what I want in life and here I am.
I m planning to make and write films and publish books.
I d also like to start a company in clothing, books, magazines, music and films... yea you can say I'm on the artistic and imaginative side.
I'd also love to make an album of songs that I wrote.
Well, I started a website, because most of all I want to reach out to others and also be heard. I don't want to feel alone and do nothing... I want to do as much as I can in any way... mostly through writings for now so I do hope my thoughts and emotions will fulfill someone in some way.
I still kind of feel like how I felt four years ago... lost, trapped, misunderstood, confused, stressed, suffering-pain, heartache, sadness and deprivation. I think I'm still somewhat lingering in these, because I m actually just stepping out of my cage (I've felt like a caged animal) and it s very scary when I really think of everything out here. I don't really know what I'm looking for, but when I find it...
I ve been through different sorts of fears and they have scarred me in ways that I can't forget, but they have also taught me to be more aware... to be more wiser and stronger. I'm still kinda nervous and shy about sharing them, because I'm really not used to being open. I've always been more to myself. I've never been close enough to someone to trust them with myself completely and I so want to live that, so much. Sometimes I get scared, cuz' I don't think I'll ever find someone that'll want me as much as I want him or her. I think, I don't know... maybe... hehehe... I sorta zoned out for a second. But anyway I'm beginning to feel ok and comfortable with me and the surroundings around me. I'm glad!
Well, here's a bit of my struggling past. It was fall 1999. My parents were pushing me and pushing me into this corner of anger and hate and I just was not happy! They were this way to me, because I was in love with my best friend, but of course I didn t know what they thought of her and me in relationship wise... I got the feeling that they thought I was just crazy for her. I don t know if they thought we were lesbians or anything, even though we weren t lovers. We were the best of friends for four years and from my point of view, we wanted more than that towards the end of senior year, but there was this fear or awkwardness with female loving another female romantically, but it didn t bother me. I thought it was o.k... I just wanted to love her and be her only one, but I didn t say anything to her, because I was the sort of person who kept to herself. And I didn t really know what she was thinking, yet I still remember us holding hands in class... in the dark while the class watched a video that was really intense for me. In the summer of 1999, that was the last I ve seen of her. I am glad though that I m not with her anymore, because it gave me a chance to figure out who I am and what I want... I always felt like a love sick puppy in her shadows... I wouldn t want to see her again just, because I don t want to have anything to do with her and my parents still rub her in my face. I just get so sick of it all, but I don t regret anything.
I think I m too nice and obsessed when it comes to love with someone. I ve never really had someone to call my own so I tend to get obsessed sanely. I ve only been in one relationship, but I ve never even met her. I love her a lot! See... I am just crazy! Yea, but love... hehehe... can't live with it and can't live without it. *Siiigh*
I write all these feelings and emotions out and it's extreme and uncensored, because if I don t say it then I ll feel like I m going to explode! I ve kept my mouth shut for the longest time and it feels so good to say what I want to say and be who I want to be. Holy shyt! I ve spent four years of silence in my mind... that s why now, I could careless of what people think of me, but that doesn t mean that I m this hardcore bitch who don t give a care.
I am passionate about life... if I wasn t then I would ve killed myself back in 1999. Yea, during the fall of 1999, I faked my suicide in my grandparents bathroom, because I couldn t take it any more, I couldn t take everything anymore and I just had to do SOMETHING! ANYTHING! to make the constant blames and shyt rubbed in my face go away. I love life and sometimes things just get me down and then I want to disappear. I d used to imagine my suicide in two ways, which is having someone shoot me in the back, or me free falling off the roof of a tall building. Yea, brutal, but honestly that s all just imagining and no action. I don t really want to die, because I only have one chance to be me, to be Linda and I don t want to die unhappy and unfulfilled. A world of opportunity is waiting for me. I won t give up that easily. I d rather die a fighter than a failure.
Stillness of Heart,
SaneObsessedGirl