| Part 1 Idiocy had seeped its way back into Sarcastaville over the years. Citizens kept looking into the sky to see their mysterious hero fly to their rescue in vain. A giant “S” was lit in the sky at all times, but Sarcastaman never came. Many feared he was dead. But this was not the case. Sarcastaman sat in his recliner back at his modest one-room apartment downtown. He saw the horrors of idiocy on the news, but he had long since hung up his tights. I know what you’re thinking, “a man wearing tights? Seems kinda fruity to me”. Well it’s not like Sarcastaman wanted to wear tights. That’s just how superheroes dress. Sarcastaman gave a shudder as he remembered that awful moment seven years ago. During a battle with Stupid Statement Man, his nemesis had uttered something moronic and S-Man couldn’t think of a comeback. Defeated, Sarcastaman vowed to give up his crime fighting ways. The glow of the TV began to make Sarcastaman sleepy and he dozed off. Outside his room, four ominous shadows crept up to his door and entered. One of the shadows covered Sarcastaman’s mouth with a chloroformed towel and the other three tied him up. Hours later, Sarcastaman awoke in a daze. Wha-What happened? Where am I? Sarcastaman looked up and gasp. My God! Literal Man! Stupid Statement Man! Captain Thinks-Laws-Are-Optional! And Batman! Wait…Batman?! What’re you doing here? “I heard that comment you made about me and Robin being “special friends”. Can’t a fully grown man live with a young boy without people asking so many questions! Plus your S-beacon is clearly a plagiarism of the bat sign.” Oh No! What will happen to Sarcastaman! What will his captors do with him! How will he escape! Why am I asking so many questions? Tune in next time for more of the Continuing Adventures of Sarcastaman! Part 2 Sarcastaman looked up at his captors and sneered. What do you want with me? “We want you to die,” said Literal Man. I don’t fight crime any more. I’m no longer a threat to you. “Silence! We know you Sarcastaman. You can shut yourself away from the world, but as long as people like us exist you won’t be able to help yourself. Plus there is always the possibility of a media-friendly comeback to increase sales of your Sarcastaman action figures.” “So we’re going to shoot you with our…uh…shooty-thingys,” said Stupid Statement Man. I have a mental connection with every smart person in the world. I can get the police down here in minutes. Batman let out an evil laugh, “You fool! We’re in Los Angeles. Your connection doesn’t work with the LAPD.” “Besides,” said Captain Thinks-Laws-Are-Optional, “Even if you managed to get them here, there’s nothing they can do. It’s not like we have to follow the laws.” They’re not optional you moron! They apply to everyone! Sarcastaman’s thoughts raced in his head. How to get out of here? Wait! That’s it! I’ll contact Ezosoro, my side-kick whom I’ve never mentioned before because it wasn’t convenient. So, with his superior mental abilities, and the kind of plot twist that could only occur in a bad movie, Sarcastaman sent out a brain wave to his side-kick. Will Ezosoro make it to Sarcastaman in time? Will his captors shoot him and give the world the fate of being overrun by idiots? Did I ever call back that employment agency? Tune in next time for the continuing adventures of SARCASTAMAN!!! Part 3 Back at his condo in Philadelphia, Ezosoro pulled an old scrap book off the shelf. Inside we’re several newspaper clippings of himself and Sarcastaman. He spent a few minutes of reminiscence over his partner. Suddenly he felt something in the back of his head. It was a brain wave! Sarcastaman was contacting him! Ezosoro searched frantically for his costume to no avail. Then he remembered that he had accidentally given it to good will. He quickly pulled on a ski mask and rushed to the airport. He bought a ticket to LA, and nineteen hours later he arrived. He cursed the numerous flight delays and made a mental note to write his congressman. He rushed to the nearest car rental place and put a down payment on a cheap piece of crap. It had been almost a day since he sent to brain wave to Ezosoro, but he still had not arrived. Perhaps the huge distance at which they lived at made him unable to contact him. For some rather convenient reason, the villains had not yet done away with him. He wasn’t sure why exactly, but he was glad for it. Where was Ezosoro? Meanwhile, Ezosoro stood at the side of the road with his thumb out. The @$#%ing rental car was spewing out smoke. He wished he could fly like Sarcastaman so he wouldn’t be in this predicament. Fortunately the brain wave from Sarcastaman was getting stronger. He had to be getting close. Will Ezosoro find a suitable means of transportation? Will Sarcastaman’s execution be put off until he arrives? Does two plus two really equal four, or is it just what the conformists want you to think it equals? Find out next time on the continuing adventures of SARCASTAMAN!!! Part 4 “I need to vamos to un Super-muchacho named Sarcastahombre!” Ezosoro shouted to his foreign cab driver. The driver merely ignored him and kept driving, going where he pleased. Ezosoro got nervous as the pay meter continued to climb. He had spent all his money on the rental car. Fortunately he could turn himself invisible (which would explain his absence in previous Sarcastaman adventures). A stench rose up from the floor that smelled like a mix between a dead raccoon and his grandfather’s bathroom. He managed to get the cab driver to stop and quickly turned himself invisible (a handy way to avoid morons). He rushed into an alleyway as the driver yelled swear words in some sort of Arabian language. Literal Man was on guard duty over Sarcastaman. Why haven’t you killed me yet? “Because you will be killed at the annual Supervillian Fundraising Gala.” You have a fundraiser for supervillians?! Who would give money to something like that? Well, Wal-Mart and Microsoft chip in a little, but mostly it’s other villains. Now stop asking questions!” Literal Man pulled at a copy of The Grapes of Wrath, very confused at the title. Sarcastaman remembered something he read in a “Dilbert” comic strip. He put it to use. Why do you read? “Because reading gives me knowledge, and knowledge is power.” But power corrupts. And corruption is a crime. And crime doesn’t pay. If you keep reading you’ll go broke! “No! No! I have to get rid of this!” Literal Man jumped up and ran screaming from the room. Idiot. Now for my escape. Will Sarcastaman escape? Will Ezosoro give up and go home? Do elves live in our hair? Tune in next time for more of the continuing adventures of SARCASTAMAN!!! Part 5 Once Ezosoro had distanced himself from the insane taxi driver, he turned visible. He wandered the streets of LA, paying close attention to the strength of the brain waves. Whenever the signal began to die he turned and head in the other direction. Soon the signal felt as strong as it had been when he first received it. He looked around. Where was a place where no one was sure to be? A library! Wait…Sarcastaman was captured by idiots. They wouldn’t be in there. A Disney Store! Perfect. He entered the store to find, not loads of crappy merchandise, but a single room with an elevator facing him. He entered the elevator and took it all the way down. Summoning his super strength, Sarcastaman kicked the door of his cell. A sharp pain shot up his leg. Oh crap! I don’t have super strength. Wait a minute. Literal Man dropped his key ring before he ran off screaming. I can just unlock the door. Wow. Whoever’s writing this story isn’t very creative. So, in a major coincidence, Sarcastaman exited the cell. Now, to deal with those creeps. He entered the hall where the four “masterminds” were discussing their plans. Before they had time to react, Sarcastaman pulled out his secret weapon: Isaac Newton’s Principia. He began reading from it. The villains clutched their heads and screamed in agony. To hear something so smart was like poison to them. They melted into a pile of ooze in a matter of seconds. Ezosoro rushed in, out of breath. “I…I made it. I’m here to rescue you S-man.” You’re a little late. “What?! Are you telling me I came all the way over here and you don’t even need me any more!” Sarcastaman glanced at the rotting puddles of evil flesh and chuckled. I guess so EZ, I guess so. Now get your costume EZ. I’m resuming my idiot fighting ways. “Y-you really mean it S-man?” Yes EZ. Let’s return to Sarcastaville. So ends another disgusting, stupid, and generally pointless chapter in Sarcastaman’s life. Tune in next time for more of the continuing adventures of SARCASTAMAN!!! [cue theme song] |
| Sarcastaman's Showdown: A Story in Five Parts |