| Two Open Letters to Extremists |
| Dear Narrow-minded Conservative Rednecks, It is time you were brought up to date on a few things you might not have been aware of. Since you have all been living in holes for the past 50 years you've missed quite a lot. About 6 years ago we crossed over into the 21st century. Yes that's right. The 21st. With the comming of this new century, many social standards have changed. First of all African Americans are no longer second class citizens. They are equal in every way to the rest of us. As such, I ask that you stop dressing up in white sheets and scaring them. It was silly back then, and it isn't doing any of us any good. Also, while you were all in your deep slumber, women moved out of the homes and into the work force. And no, not just as secretarys. They're lawyers, doctors, and politicians too. Some of them may even be your boss. Yes, I know, it sounds unfair, but I'm afraid they're awfully happy working, and I don't think we can convince them to return to the kitchen. Don't worry, if we grit our teeth and bear it then I'm sure we can get through this. Speaking of groups that you've all been discriminating against, homosexuals are not causing moral decay in society. Yes, we're just as surprised as you are. We were so sure it was them, but I guess we were wrong. Now this is important. The role of God has changed slightly. As it turns out, not many people actually believe in all that stuff anymore. Yeah, apparantely most people were faking it. No, a lot of people believe in God, just not all that crap about him in the Bible. It just so happens these things called science and rational thought disproved most of the Bible's so called "truths". Well we looked into it and it turns out that the stories in the Bible were never meant to be taken literally. They were just words to help us live by. Because of this, the Bible is no longer a credible source when it comes to passing laws. Oh, and we found out something interesting. Increasing violence, sex, and bad language on TV/movies/video games isn't actually having any adverse affect on children. We were wrong about that one too. I think that's about it. I'm glad I was able to catch you all up on the past 50 years. Sincerely, Sarcastaman |
| Dear Whiney Liberal Hippies, We at the Center for a Less Annoying World have a few requests to make of you all. 1. Animals are living pointless existences. By eating them, we give their lives a purpose. Stop trying to save them all the damn time. 2. Unless you have actually been to the rain forest, stop preaching about saving it. 3. Stop being offended for other people. Black people, Jewish people, Hispanic people, Gay people, etc. are just fine with jokes on TV that poke fun of them. They have all realized that the jokes are not meant to be hurtful. So stop getting upset for them. 4. Gving something a different name does absolutely nothing. We don't need to call them "African Americans". They are just fine with black people. We don't need to call them "thought showers". Brainstorms are okay. We do not need to call them homosexuals. No one has complained about being called a gay. Political correctness does absolutely nothing. What's worse is that you are changing names when no one even asks you too. People with brain cancer were not offended by the word "brainstorming". It did not need to be changed. 5. Stop telling people not to smoke. Sometimes a cigarette is the only vacation some people get. If they want to smoke, then let them. Smokers are not on a crusade to give everyone cancer. 6. Women: men are not opressing you if they ask you to do them a favor. Many of you have gotten the impression that equality between sexes can only be achieved with men submitting to your every will. That is not equality. That is male slavery. 7. Shut the hell up Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Sarcastaman |