| Sarcastaman Versus the Idiot Horde |
| Theme song: Sarcastaman. Sarcastaman He fights morons for us So they will not bore us He flys around the earth Lowering idiots' feelings of self worth With his mighty eye-roll He mesmerises their soul. If you are dumb He'll come and make you numb Cause he's the greatest hero that we've ever haaaaaaaad. He's Sarcastaman Yes Sarcastaman That's Sarcastaman. S stands for Sarcsataman. Stop saying Sarcastaman. Or I'll kick your asstaman. Welcome, once again, to the continuing adventures of Sarcastaman. Today's episode: The Idiot Horde. It was another peaceful day in the land of Sarcatopia. Sarcastaman was enjoying a scone from a local cafe, even though he wasn't quite sure what a scone was. He glanced at an ad in the paper as he sipped his de-caf coffee (drinks with caffiene can make one hyper, which leads to stupidity). Republican Party ralley at the NW General Airport. Dear God, not republicans!!! Suddenly, with his super hearing, he picked up what sounded like several thousand words said in less than five seconds. That could only mean one thing: someone had overdosed on caffiene and was now speaking nonstop. The republican rally would have to wait. WHOOSH! With a trained eye, he quickly spotted the caffiene junkie. He was shaking uncontrolably, and could barely be understand. "Knowwhat'scool?Thoselittlestripsthatfreshenyourbreathewhenyouputthemin.Icoulduseone.Ihaven'tbrushedmyteethinthreedaysand they'restartingtodgetkindofgreen.Idon'tsupposethestripswouldmakemyteethwhiteagain.ActuallyIdon'tmeanagainconsideringthatthey neverwerereallywhitetobeginwith..." His idiotic jabbering was starting to annoy the people sitting next to them. WHOOSH! Here take these. Quickly Sarcastaman threw the man a handful of sleeping pills to cancel out the action. The man swallowed them, and five to ten minutes later he was fine. Here take some more. If you ever go on a rush like that again, take some. Now to stop the republican convention. Meanwhile, in the white house of doom, President George W. Bush was preparing to leave for Air Force One. Dick Chaney entered from the secret door behind the bookcase. "All is going according to plan, my liege." "Give me a status report." " Your expedition to Alaska was successful. Miners are drilling for oil in natural parks as we speak." "And what about the environmental laws set up by my predessicators." "You mean predecessors?" "How many times have I told you not to correct me." "Sorry my liege. We have managed to repeal fifeteen more enviromental protection laws before noon." "Excellent. And the national debet." "Debt sir. It's up to 9.3 trillion." "That's not high enough. Send more money to NASA. That way it looks like I'm taking an intrest in science, when in reality I don't even know what science means." "OOOOP!" "What is it? "Nothing my liege. I just had another heart attack. It'll go away in a couple of minutes." "Nothing can stop us now. To the air...uh...air...um...the...uh...flying thingy. To the flying thingy!" Back in Sarcatopia. Sarcastaman has just arrived at the NWGA, and has broken into the surveillance room. He looks at signs of republicanism. There! People wearing "we like Bush" pins. But it was hours before the rally started. Why were they there already. Idiots! But they would be dealt with later. Oh no! WHOOSH! Sarcastaman zooms to the metal detectors where a security guard is yelling at a confused woman. "Fingernail clippers! These are a weapon! You must be a terorrist!" "How could I hurt anyone with those. They're not even sharp. Help me Sarcastaman!: WHOOSH. With super speed, Sarcastaman slaps the guard silly. Those clippers are not a danger to you or I. Don't be such an idiot. "I'm sorry. Please go on ahead." "Oh thank you Sarcastaman." Quickly, Sarcastaman hurries back to the surveillance room. More people were arriving. A few hours later, the rally was ready to start and Sarcastaman made his move. He rushed to the covention and waited for George W. Bush to show up. He was filled with horror at what he saw there. Hordes of people who support a guy who can't say "nuclear" right. It was horrible. Meanwhile on Air Force One. "This is your captain speaking. We will be arriving shorty so please observe that the seatbelt sign has been lit. Enjoy your stay in Sarcatopia Mr. President." "We're almost there Dick." "Yes sir." "Is there a big crowd for my presementation." "It's presentation, and yes there are." "Good. Good." Air Force One touched down. Sarcastaman saw it land. It was almost time. When the plane stopped, the President walked down the stairs and to the podium in front of cheering crowds. Sarcastaman sprung into action. He leaped up on stage, and his eyes slowly began to spin. They became faster and faster until they were rolling at a blur. George Bush and the entire audience were mesmerized. Sarcastaman spoke. Stop drilling in Alaska, stop repealing environmental laws, stop increasing our national debt, learn to talk right, give us proof of those weapons of mass destruction, and stop talking about Texas. Everyone knows Texas is the worst state in the country. You shall, from now on, be democrats--I know democrats suck too, but they're a helluva lot better than republicans. Or some kind of third party. I'll let you decide that. But mostly democrats. WHOOSH! In a flash he was gone. The horde of idiots (whoops, I mean republicans) all blinked. What just happened? And why were they wearing republican pins? That night, Sarcastaman watched the news. "Today's top story. President George W. Bush has announced that he has decided to switch parties. Republicans everywhere were shocked, but no one seems to care about them." Once again the day is saved. Thanks to SARCASTAMAN! Sarcastaman! Sarcastaman Sarcastamaaaaaaaaaaan! |