An Interview with God
          Greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Sarcastaman show. Today we have a very special guest with us. You may know him as the creator of the known universe, the master of omnipotence, and the father of Christ. Please welcome, God!

SM: Well God it's great to have you on our show.
GD: Thank you my child.
SM: Oh come on God. We've known each other since I was born, call me Sarcastaman.
GD: How about S-man. It sounds cooler.
SM: Sure thing big guy. Okay, let's get this question out of the way. Everyone wants to know this. I think you know what I'm going to ask. Where exactly did you come from?
GD: Well, to be quite honest, I lived in Miami for a while then moved here.
SM: So you didn't create the universe?
GD: No I did.
SM: Then how could you be from Miami if you created Miami?
GD: Well, you see, I only created this universe. If science fiction books have taught us anything, it's that there are parallel universes out there. I came from one where everyone is all powerful, and then I created this place.
SM: So there are an infinite number of parallel universes out there?
GD: No. Actually, there are only about 78.
SM: Interesting. Am I in any of them?
GD: Unless I'm mistaken, you appear as a dog in one of them.
SM: A dog? How do you know it's me.
GD: It rolls it's eyes a lot.
SM: Makes sense. Do you visit your home at all?
GD: I used to all the time. Before civilization started, and no one believed in me I could leave for centuries and find everything unchanged, but I did leave a nanny in charge while I was gone.
SM: How come?
GD: The first time I left, and this was before humans, I came back to find that a meteor had crashed and killed my original ruling species, dinosaurs.
SM: How come you didn't make more dinosaurs, instead of switching to mammals?
GD: I was tired of reptiles. They were idiots. Plus I wanted creatures that looked like me down there.
SM: So do you leave the nanny in charge often?
GD: No. She can't handle things as well as I can. I left twice, and came back to find the Middle Ages, and later the Great Depression,
SM: Now God, is there any truth to the bible?
GD: Oh the bible. A lot of it is based on fact, but most of it is exaggerated horribly.
SM: So did you really create the universe in six days?
GD: Counting the actual days of construction yes, but it took several hundred years of planning. I mean, I had to create several million species of bacteria on your planet alone. When you factor in all the other species, the other planets with other species on them, and then the heaven and hell deal, it takes a lot of preparation. The actual construction was easy.
SM: So you're saying heaven and hell really exist?
GD: Yeah. There's also a heck and a purgatory.
SM: I thought those were just figures of speech.
GD: No. Heck is where good people who don't worship me go. As you may know, you can't get into heaven unless you devote your life to me.
SM: That seems a little extreme.
GD: Well I did create this whole universe, I think I deserve a little worship.
SM: Makes sense.
GD: Purgatory is just sort of nothing. It's a lot like the this place was before I built the universe on it. But that's only for un-baptised babies.
SM: Back to the bible. Tell us about Noah.
GD: Well humans were making me mad, so I told my buddy Noah I was going to have it rain for a while ?and he somehow came up with the forty days and forty nights deal. He was the one who decided to build the ark and get two of every animal. He still won't admit that I didn't tell him to do that. Anyway, he sits in this ark for days with a load of animals who were getting very disgruntled. He was mad at himself at the end, and blamed it on me.
SM: What about Joan of Arc. Did you tell here to fight for the French?
GD: No that was another mix up. I just told her she should support the French. She had this thing where she was rooting for England, and it was about to get her executed, so I told her that the French were better to get her to stop. She thought by support I meant to fight for them.
SM: How about the commandments?
GD: Yeah. I was getting tired of my creation doing whatever they wanted to do. People were killing, drinking, some people had like one thousand wives. I figured it was time to put an end to this. I began looking for someone to tell the others about my rules. I could have just made them apear somewhere, but I had a reputation for "speaking through people" so I had to keep that up you know. So I found this guy, Moses. Seemed like an okay guy, and the others trusted him. So one day he's walking up the mountain and I come down and speak to him. He starts freaking out and bowing down. I told him to cut it out, and that I had something I needed him to do. I gave him three stone tablets with the fifeteen commandments--
SM: Fifeteen? I thought there were ten.
GD: No there were fifeteen, but I asked Moses to proofread them before I sent them out, and he originally wanted to get rid of six, but I refused to take away "honor thy mother and thy father." It seemed important at the time.
SM: What were the other five you got rid of.
GD: Thou shalt not be an idiot.
SM: That one sounds pretty good. Why'd you get rid of it?
GD: Moses pointed out that some people were born that way and couldn't help it. There was also "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But we decided that the other ten all seemed to follow that one, so we made it the golden rule. There was "thou shalt not drink", but we decided that drinking alcohol isn't bad unless you abuse it, so that one went out. Plus it didn't specify the meaning of "drink". Then there was "thou shalt not move on fridays". I made that one up as a joke, just to see if people would actually do it, but Moses said that, if they really believed in Me then they would. And the last one was "thou shalt not question the commandments". That one seemed a little egotistical, and it was already implied.
SM: So how come Moses wanted to get rid of the mother and father one?
GD: He had a falling out with his parents right before he led the Hebrews to freedom. They didn't want him wandering the desert, and when he mentioned his plan to part the red sea, they just lost it.
SM: Tough break. So tell us about trinity?
GD: Well it shouldn't actually be called trinity. There are only two incarnation of my: the son and the holy ghost.
SM: How so?
GD: You know how Jesus is an incarnation of me, but he is a separate entity as well?
SM: Yes.
GD: Well, the incarnations of the father and the holy ghost are the same entity. The one you're looking at right now. They aren't separate.
SM: So why'd you go with the holy ghost instead of the father?
GD: It sounded cooler.
SM: So could you turn yourself into Jesus right now?
GD: I could take his image, but I couldn't actually turn into him. As I said he is a separate entity, yet he is essentially me. It's kind of complicated, and human minds aren't at that stage of comprehension yet.
SM: Moving on. Here's a topic that's been the cause of a lot of controversy around you. Evolution.
GD: Oh yeah. I do allow my creations to evolve. I don't know why so many people are so sure that I wouldn't. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't. Sometimes I'll get bored with one creature and I will change it a little to keep things interesting.
SM: So did humans come from apes?
GD: No. I did model their look after the neanderthal though.
SM: Any plans for the future?
GD: I think I'm just gonna lie back and see what happens.
SM: Any last words to the people out there in the audience?
GD: Don't take the bible too seriously. Also if you want to get into heaven you have to acknowledge my existence, follow the commandments, and don't be a jerk okay.
SM: Thany you for being on the show God. Let's give it up for God. Stay tuned to the Sarcastaman Show. Later up we'll meet Satan and see why he took the hell job right after this commercial break.