An Interview with Satan
          Well we're back. In our first half we had an in depth discussion with the creator of everyone and everything, God. Now we're going to look at the other side of the spectrum. Please welcome to the Sarcastaman Show...Satan!!!

ST: Hello Sarcastaman. Hello God.
GD: Hello Satan. Good to see you. How's everything going in Hell.
ST: Oh I can't complain. Hell has been good to me.
SA: Well, Satan, it's great to have you on the show.
ST: Thanks for having me.
SA: Satan, you go by so many names. Satan, the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub. Which one do you like the best?
ST: I've always preferred my lesser known name, Steve.
SA: Steve? That's not very intimidating.
ST: Well to be honest I'm not a very intimidating guy. Sure my presence strikes fear into the hearts of mortals, but once you get to know me I'm really not very scary.
SA: Interesting. So tell us about this whole rebellion thing.
ST: Oh yeah. In my younger days I was a bit of a troublemaker. I was going through this phase where I didn't want to take any shit from anybody. Naturally I rejected any sort of authority figure. God was always expecting us to do this and that. And to be a certain way. I was tired of it. I got a bunch of my friends together and we TP'd God's palace in the sky.
SA: That's it? You just covered God's home with toilet paper.
ST: Oh yeah. As usual history has a way of making a bigger deal out of things than they actually were. Well anyway God got pissed. Keep in mind this was back in the old testament days so God was pretty vengeful. He cast me out of heaven and I took refuge in the center of the Earth. Thinking back the whole thing was pretty stupid. I shouldn't have done what I did and I still think God reacted unfairly.
GD: I'll admit I went a little overboard. I've even welcomed Satan back into heaven, but he says he's gotten comfortable where he is.
SA: So how did you end up with the job of torturing souls for all eternity?
ST: Well after the whole Adam and Eve fiasco, God came down with a proposition for me. He wanted me to take in the souls of people who did not follow his ways and as he put it "give 'em hell if you know what I mean." So I worked out this big punishment chart. It basically adds your sins up and multiplies them by their severity and you get your punishment. Believe it or not most people aren't punished in Hell. After all, a lot of the people who come to me are basically good people who just didn't believe in God here. So they just have to live in Hell. It's not a very pleasant place.
SA: So who all is on your worst list?
ST: Well of course Judas is getting it the worst. Betraying the Son is just not something you do. We also have Hitler, Atilla the Hun, Joseph Stalin, Ivan the Terrible, Al Capone. Yeah it's a real villan fest down there.
SA: So what kind of punishments do you have?
ST: Well sometimes it's just something small like a demon hovering his finger over your face and saying "I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you." over and over again. I've also borrowed a few of the punishment from Dante's Inferno. That book is just chock full of ideas. We have the swirling tornado blowing the lustful around, we have demons hacking at people with giant flaming swords. However everyone in hell is only punished for an hour a day.
SA: Only an hour? How come?
ST: Can you imagine how hard it would be to torture all the millions of people down there 24/7? I only have so many minions at my disposal and their union requires that they only work a 10 hour shift with an hour break for lunch. And with more people comming down here than ever before I may have to cut it down to 45 minutes a day.
SA: 45 minutes a day doesn't sound too bad.
ST: Oh it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, we milk that time for all it's worth.
SA: So do you spend your time trying to tempt people to sin?
ST: Are you kidding? I'm trying to keep people out of Hell. It's just too hard to induct all the new members. If it were up to me everyone would just go to heaven and I wouldn't have to deal with it all. I guess I'm a little burned out on the whole fire and brimestone thing.
SA: So you never tempted Jesus in the forest?
ST: No, not that I can recall. I'm sure God has already told you this, but you can't believe everything you read in the Bible. Most of it is just in there to scare people. Very little of it is actually true.
SA: Well is there anything else you would like to add.
ST: People, try to be good alright. I've got enough souls on my hands and I don't need anymore. I've been transferring  too many of them into purgatory just to make room for new people. I'm sure we'd all rather not have to deal with each other.
SA: Alright, thank you Satan. Well that's all for The Sarcastaman Show today. I'm Sarcastaman. Goodnight.