| This Is Your Brain on Life |
| I have become a corporate drone. And by that I mean I earn $12/hour to surf the internet, answer 3 phone calls in a 9-hour time span, randomly endure lectures when I labeled folders in blue ink rather than black (horror!) and, oh yes, surf the internet. What is it that people do at work all day? As you stand precariously close to your fellow commuters as 257 people attempt to squeeze into an already crammed train, do you wonder about their purpose in life? I took a survey, scientifically questioning 3 candidates (aka asking roommates during commercial break of "The Simpsons") what they did at work all day. "Nothing" was the most common response. And yet we're all still employed. Thousands of bosses across America have neglected to notice that their workforce is useless. But lest they catch on, I have devised a failsafe plan to make it look as though you are constantly at work: |
| 1. Always have a pen in hand: Good little office workers take notes. IF you are taking the "Am I a Pack Rat?" quiz on Cosmopolitan Online rather than researching sales figures on defective 1979 snowmobiles, it looks slightly more convincing that you have only been momentarily sidetracked if you have a pen in hand. Why? I don't really know, but if your office utensils are lying in a dusty pile behind you rather than sitting in your agile fingers, the boss might get suspicious. Something to ponder. |
| 2. Appear Fiscally Knowledgeable: Open an internet browser to "The Financial Times" or "The Wall Street Journal" Web sites and click to a page of a boring but easily acceptable article. Think "Greenspan Predicts Industry Slump." Keep these open and easily clickable. If the boss approaches, the Onion article announcing the discovery of the largest ever piece of lint disappears and Greenspan saves the day. |
| 3. Write e-mails in Microsoft Word: A document opened in Microsoft Word looks somewhat more official than the ubiquitous "Yahoo!" or "Hotmail" logos. Provided your messages are not punctuated with multiple exclamation points or boldfaced condemnations of fellow office workers, typing a message in Word and then cutting and pasting it to the "compose" box makes it look as though you are working on a proposal or letter or whatever. |
| 4. Don't Forget the Little Things: Sometimes when you have so much free time, doing one small task can seem like an unimaginable horror. But don't put it off for later because you could become so enthralled by being paid to be useless that it might slip your mind to mail a package or call a car for Miss "I don't do taxis" in the corner office. |
| Of course this is just a rough outline for your life as a corporate slacker. Try to also turn off the volume on the AOL Instant Messenger (and don't use IM names like SexBoy4000), try not to get caught staring off into space more than twice and don't roll your eyes at authority figures. Simply continue to occupy your time by taking "The Purity Test" and searching the names of people you know on Google (quite entertaining actually). Your parents would be proud. |
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| www.thespark.com - The Purity Test, dirty e-cards, 3rd grade science projects tested on adults, good stuff |
| www.emode.com - Hundreds of quizzes to keep you entertained for hours |
| www.salon.com - Interesting articles written in a humorous manner. Sound familiar? |
| PROCRASTINATING? |
| Am I Hot or Not? - You think you're ugly? Check out these people. You're self esteem will be boosted in no time. |
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