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| I Pity the Fool Who Watches TBN |
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| Psycho Christians can be amusing from a distance. So I discovered while channel surfing last night when I happened upon the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN). What actually caught my eye was Gary Busey (Point Break) sitting on an enormous gold throne professing his love for Jesus. Seeing as how Busey has not exactly lived a life most would deem holy, his appearance was somewhat of a Twilight Zone experience. Wearing a dark suit and slouching uncomfortably, Busey avoided eye contact and squirmed occasionally as he called for others to find Jesus. All together now children: "parole stipulation." The perky (an apparently hairspray obsessed) host didn't seem to notice, however, as she praised the ex-druggie profusely and exhibited facial expressions reminiscient of an animatronic deer. |
| It was not until Mr. T appeared on stage, however, that I became truly alarmed. Who are these people and why would Mr. T agree to talk with them? Doesn't he still have his 1-800-COLLECT gig? Where is his jewelry? He appeared demure (brainwashed?) in a loosely-fitting red tank top and talked of his numerous siblings and how his mother supported them with a lot of hard work and the love of the Lord. Had I not been so disturbed, I would have wept. |
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| TBN founder Paul and Jan Crouch |
| photo courtest of: www.tbn.org |
| What the Hell? Started in 1973 by Jan and Paul Crouch (see stunning portrait above), TBN had a humble dream of "building a Christian television network that spans the whole world." TBN now boasts a fancy California studio, millions in revenue and a soft spot for Jesus. How do they do it you might ask? I was intrigued (bored at work?) so I journeyed to the network's Web site (www.tbn.org) for some answers. I was greeted by a plethora of information and opportunities to part with my hard-earned cash. First on the list was the gift shop. I could have an adult blue denim TBN jacket for only $99.99 or a TBN watch for $54. Topping my list of favorites, however, was the Holy Land Anointing Oil (only $5!). With this mixture of virgin olive oil (of course), myrrh and frankincense, you too can feel the power of the 3 Wise Men. Works well on squeaky doors as well. |
| But let's not stop here. TBN has Christian exercise shows ("Praise Jesus and feel the burn!"), moving newsletters ("Our gift to you...for May only"), celebrity testimonials (Todd "whatchu talkin' bout Willis?" Bridges! Taibo's Billy Blanks!) and advice on how to make out a living will and claim your estate. What? That's right. TBN's "Partner Page" has a link that details the intricacies of Estate Planning. Paul Crouch explains this section of the site with the story of his father. "Dad was so typical of God's people," he writes. "We were looking for the coming of the Lord. We were preaching the Gospel. Surely, we would all be alive til the trumpet of the Lord would sound!" |
| Poor Dad, he was robbed of his trumpet and didn't leave a will. Mom had to struggle to survive with only the Lord at her side. And God help us if Paul Crouch wants YOU to go through that. The estate planning section is fairly straight forward but the phrase "charitable gift annuities" is highlighted in blue and linked up to a page titled "Benefits of a TBN lifetime charitable gift annuity. Now, I don't know if there's an estate planning clause in that vow of poverty these kids take but if you're living a humble life and give every extra penny to further the Lord's work, you shouldn't have any money with which to start an estate. And you certainly wouldn't give it to some cracked-out, greedy televangelists (journalitic objectivity: back in 5 minutes). I"m not being overly cynical here. Crouch has been investigated by the FCC for broadcast violations and was sued by the parent of a Texas boy for allegedly running a sex-for-drugs ring at a TBN-owned rehabilitation ranch. I think I missed the passage in the Bible that OK'd that one. But thousands of followers can't be wrong can they? No, they are simply terrified by the thought of existing as a finite being in an infinite universe. I have fully accepted that I will go to hell if I am wrong, but it will probably be a lot more fun. |
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