Almost Got Him

Maul sat at the bar nursing his beer, seething from the tongue lashing Darth Sidious had given him.  "Who the hell does he think he is!" he said to no one in particular.  The man was insane. An insane sadistic...

"Bastard!"  A new face entered the bar; a young man, with sandy blond hair cut short save a long thin braid that fell limply from behind his ear.  He strode up to the bar, swirling his drab brown outer cloak and called out, "Bushmills and a Guinness."  The shot came, and he gulped it down quickly, grimacing from the burn.  The beer came soon after, and he swallowed half before he noticed the unusual man staring at him.  "Did you want something?" he snapped.

Maul was surprised at this reaction.  Jedi were known to be wimps, preferring to avoid confrontation.  Yet here stood one of their ilk challenging him.  While he was outraged at the nerve of the...person, part of him was amused.  He raised his glass and took a long swallow.

"No, I just came in for a drink myself," he said casually, "but you look like you need one."

The Jedi downed the rest of the beer in 3 swallows and ordered a second.  "Well shit, what made you think that?" he spat.

Maul smiled inwardly.  **The kid was cursing now.  I wonder what got him so hacked off?**  Maul just shrugged and turned back to his beer.

They sat in silence for a few moments, then the kid spoke.  "Never be a Jedi.  It sucks."

Maul chuckled, "It can't be any worse than what I have to put up with."

The kid snorted.  "Yeah right."  He looked Maul up and down then said, "You probably don't have to sit in a fucking temple for half of the day and not fall asleep while listening to some old fart drone on and on about Jedi code."  He took another swallow of his beer.  "Stupid green midget.  I'd like to drop-kick him sometime.  Fear, I'll show you fear."

Maul nodded his head, "Is he still spouting that crap?  'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate..."

The kid chimed in, "'Hate leads to suffering.'  Like I haven't heard like seven times TODAY!"  He shook his head. 

"Hey," Maul added, "At least you get to talk to people.  Whenever I strike up a conversation with anyone, my master does the lightning gazot and BOOM-gone.  I mean jeez, I was asking the dude what time it was, he didn't have to vaporize him."  He took a quick swallow.  "And you wanna know why?  His reasons?  'There can only be two, a master and an apprentice.'"

"Yeah right, I get to talk to people.  I get to stand on a box behind my master looking like I care what he's talking about."  He finished off his drink and ordered a third, then had them refill Maul's.  "The guy's a nut."

"Can't be any worse than my master," Maul challenged.

"Try me," the kid challenged.

"Well for starters, he purposely goes out of his way to piss me off," Maul stated, thinking of an example.  "Just last week he had my speeder towed for being in a hovercraft zone.  And he's the one who told me to park there!"

"At least you have transportation.  My master makes us walk everywhere.  I mean, we could mind-whammy a Nubian starship in no time flat.  But nooooo."  He switched to a sing-songy falsetto.  "'The exercise is good for you, Obi-Wan and a strong mind comes from a strong body.'"  Another swig.  "And Force forbid we ask for transports.  The last time I asked he got us this long-nosed armadillo thing that smelled like bantha piss.  It was a week before I got the smell out my clothes."

"At least you can talk to him."  Maul sneered.  "All I get to say is 'Yes my master.  No, my master.  At last, my master.'  There's like only 6 things I can say then he gets pissed off, then GA-ZOT!  And it fuckin' stings, dammit!"

"I can talk to Qui-Gon?  That's a joke.  He never listens to me.  He's gotten reprimanded by the council so many times it would make your head spin.  And get this, I get reprimanded right along with him.   I tell him to follow the code, listen to the council, but stupid prick justifies blowing off the council by saying 'It is the will of the Force.'  Will, my ass."

"But you get to travel," Maul said.  "Me, I get sent to exotic places just to kill off some moron who probably wouldn't have lasted another five minutes anyway.  Sure I get frequent flyer miles, but who's gonna let me back into a country where I just offed the senator?"

Obi-Wan answered ruefully.  "You know what travelling with my master is like?  Schlepp the luggage up to our room.  Not rooms mind you, room, singular.  'Jedi do not think of creature comforts.'  Then I get to press his ceremonial garbage, charge the weapons, shine his boots, arrange his styling products...Do you realize the man uses 3 kinds of conditioner?"

Maul laughed.  "I was gonna ask, what's with the braid.  I thought they were optional?"

Obi-Wan's eye's widened.  "Optional?  Wha... BASTARD!"

Maul sympathized.  "Obi-Wan, man..."  Another round of drinks was needed.

***************
Nine rounds later, they mellowed a bit, not seething anymore, just pissed.

"And these ro-robes,  Y'know how fookin' hot it gets in these?  And we tromped all over that Force-forsaken planet for what!  Training!  I'm passin out, sand in my shorts, chafin places that I didn't know I had places, while he's strollin around like its an Alderaanian beach.  The guy is a psycho!"  Obi-Wan sat back incredulous.

"You get hot?" Maul challenged.  "Hello, at last you get beige, you know how hot black gets? Black gloves, cape, cowl.  And these tattoos hurt like a mother!"

Obi-Wan laughed.  "Actually, I like the black.  The women probably really go for that dark brooding type."

Maul choked.  "Women?  You think that wrinkled old fart would let me even think about women?  Just because he can't get laid."  He snorted then.  "'Unfulfilled lust will help your power, your anger grow strong.'  I can tell you, it ain't the only thing that grows."  He sized up Obi-Wan again.  But you're a good lookin guy, you probably got some action on the side."

"Don't I wish.  You know the last 'action' I got?  I'm bringin my master his nightly tea, and I walk in and he's in bed, butt naked, sayin 'Help me Obi-Wan! You're my only hope.'  Gods, I slept in the hallway and had nightmares all night."

Maul grimaced from the image.  He started to launch into another tirade when the doors swung open.  Senator Palpatine and Qui-Gon Jinn entered the bar, relieved looks on their faces.

"Obi-Wan, I've been looking all over for you."  Qui-Gon approached his padawan and was immediately hit with a cloud of alcohol fumes.  "You've been drinking," he said sternly.

Obi-Wan started to laugh.  "No shit."

Qui-Gon gasped at the profanity.  Taking Obi-Wan's arm, he wrestled him off the barstool and guided him out the door.  "We're going back to the temple."

"Not until we get a few things straight," Obi-Wan protested.  "First about my hair..." he said as they exited the bar.

Palpatine pulled up the vacant stool.  "So my young apprentice, how did it go?"

Maul shrugged, then smiled.  "Almost got him."

Back to General Fiction