Sasquatches Banned From New Fitness Center!

November 16th 2002!

Harding's new fitness center has adopted exclusionary policies aimed at preventing Sasquatches from staying in shape, according to the Secretary of Peace.

Recent observations have confirmed the Secretary's suspicions, that Sasquatches are indeed being treated like second class citizens and have been banned from the new Fitness Center. Signs stating that 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Sasquatches, No service' are posted around the Fitness Center, and on the Cafeteria doors. Discrimination against Sasquatches has now permeated the newest addition to Harding High School. The Fitness Center wasn't just an addition of the old weight room, it was an addition to the "Continued discrimination of Sasquatches at Harding High School." according to the Minister of Tolerance.

When reached for comment, the Athletic Director and Fitness Center director were incredulous and refused to answer any of our questions. But while interviewing some users of the Weight room, we found a few catalysts that may have impacted the School's Decision.

First, students were voicing complaints of large, hairy hominoids ruining the ceiling with their jump roping. Large dents in the marble floor were also discovered and many of the machines were torn to shreds by the Sasquatches.

Secondly, millions of individual hairs lined the floors of the weight room, attached themselves to the equipment, and caused havoc with the ventilation system. "It was becoming a struggle just to breath." reported one student. Another added "I was covered in nasty hair, which was complemented by a combination of sweat and puss, making me a virtual prisoner in my own body."

Thirdly, complaints of Sasquatches using 50 pound free-weights to play football at Bakken Field were reported. Weights often hit houses, tree's, birds, and innocent civilians according to the referee. The Fighting Yeti's were also reported to have kicked 300 yard field goals with the weights, while barefooted, according to the referee. The ground was littered with free-weights which were twisted, mangled, or wedged into the ground. One even sliced a field goal post in half and crashed into a 92 Toyota Corolla, causing it to Explode!

Fourthly, toxic fumes, caused by Sasquatch sweat and body odor caused the Weight room, and the houses within a three mile radius to be evacuated and cleansed with potent anti-toxins. Students complained of the stench, which formed a giant green cloud of dust, acid, and sulfur which caused some of the weaker students to collapse in pain and agony.

Finally, Many of the Students complained of being blown against walls and thru windows by the mighty gusts of winds generated by a fatigued Sasquatches who were struggling for air. Many wound up in the parking lot, scattered along cars and confused guardians.

The Minister of Justice summizes it this way "Is it really that burdensome to put up with a few minor inconveniences in order to be tolerant towards others? Or do we have to enforce more discrimination against Sasquatches so students can work out in convenient conditions?"

On a related note, the fitness center in question was promised by school officials and the district to be designated a 'Sasquatch safe zone, to be used to further pro-tolerance initiatives by Sasquatches and their allies.' It was understood that this space would be used for the construction of a Sasquatch Militia Headquarters, from which Militia operations were to be coordinated. Once again the Militia was lied to and deceived into funding the project. Click here to read about the Sasquatch Militia headquarters.