Opposition to Yeti Football Integration Continues!

November 25th 2002!

Mankato, Minnesota - Minnesota Vikings players were working out on the weights. Many were bench pressing 300 pounds easily, others up to 450 pounds, others did jumping jacks, jump ropes, while others just jumped. They tone was somber and intrinsic. If the league allowed the integration of Yeti's into the National Football conference, would I be slaughtered?

Their fears may just come true. The NFL is debating the merits of a proposed plan to integrate the NFL to allow all types of Hominoids to participate. The Discriminatory policies of the NFL were questioned by the hominoid rights watchdog group Sasquatch Militia, the official armed services branch of the Republic of Cascadia. Other allied groups including International Confederation of Yeti's, Pimps for Hominoid Equality, and UNPO aided in a massive phone campaign to generate support for the integration measure. While the proposal may seem unrealistic, wacky, and driven by lunacy, the NFL is seriously considering allowing the proposal to be enacted during several NFL games over the course of the next two seasons. If all goes according to planned, full integration could be expected by the year 2005, according to the NFL.

The NFL, who had staunchly opposed any plan to allow non-humans equal access, began to reconsider the measure after several teams including the Cincinnati Bengals and Detroit Lions began complaining about the lack of college talent and their horrible teams. The league also began to reconsider following the abysmal ratings of the 2001 season, where many teams lost money and the league was forced to consider various fringe ideas just to survive. Such ideas as 'Whore Cheerleaders' 'Free beer and Cheetos' and 'Monster truck Halftime shows' were rejected by substantial margins by league owners. The NFL also needed to deal with low ratings, poor merchandise sales, and dwindling corporate support. Grassroots football organizations complained that the competition had curved off as players were more concerned with financial matters then they were actually competing in football.

Yeti football enthusiasts were delighted. Many began writing their congressman, senators, and NFL teams to garner support for Integration. Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. clips of his historic 'I have a dream' speech were featured in 30 second T.V commercials that were funded by the Sasquatch Militia Hierarchy. Radio Ads featuring Chris Farley yelling 'Kill Whitey' were blasted for some unknown reason as well, probably by individuals trying to sabotage the operation. The Movement continued to draw support from equal rights advocates, hominoid rights organizations, grassroots football fans and organizations, as well a substantial amount of Zookeepers who believe that allowing Yeti's to play would increase employment.

But the NFL players union was quick to voice their opposition and concerns to the league and the public. They argued that allowing the integration of football would be "Extremely stupid and result in the unnecessary death's of hundreds of human players." Injuries would plague the sport as padless Yeti's roamed the field, throwing 200 yard passes, kicking 300 yard fieldgoals, and digging holes in the ground, according to Chris Walsh a Viking's player. Daunte Culpepper was angry that he would no longer be the largest quarterback in the league and Randy Moss complained he wouldn't be able to run a Yeti over like a Parking maid if he was ever angered. Gary Anderson complained that he would lose his job because his maximum range is about 45 yards compared to Yeti kickers whose range is between 190-330 yards. Many Vikings players said they would immediately retire if Yeti's were allowed to play. "Soon the entire league would be Yeti." Mike Tice was quoted with saying "What's next? Integrating schools, baseball, basketball, and boxing? Soon the whole world will be Yeti."

Yeti football players are anxious to showcase their spectacular skills. Yeti football is a religious rite and a passage from childhood to Manhood for Yeti's writes Secretary of Propaganda Jeff Londino in his new book A history of Yeti football. "Yeti life is based on the ability to play football, fights are solved by athletic ability, teams play together their entire lives and don't quite until death or they reach the mandatory retirement age of 190." replied Jeff. " Yeti football is also very different from ours. It's played on mountains, vertically, and sometimes people do lose limbs. Balls weight 24 Kilograms, and fields are 400 yards long." Jeff also claimed that Yeti's "go to special schools for the majority of their childhood to learn the ancient art of Yeti football and when they graduate are sent to play in the Yeti Football League."

The Yeti Football league is currently composed of 400 teams, they play year long, and around the globe says Lay Pherpse, Spokesman. Each time is comprised of 75 Yeti's, and the league is currently dominated by the Fighting Yeti's, the football team which is comprised solely of Sasquatch Militia special forces units who serve a 5 year tenure on the team before leaving to serve the Militia. Games are usually played in Tibet, with the Championship played before a sellout crowd of 400,000 thousand in Cascadia City Stadium.

The group Pimps for Peace, a pro-Sasquatch lobbying group based out of Vancouver, British Columbia, was quick to point out the striking inconsistencies in professional sports. "We have the feminists groups calling for the boycott of the Masters, yet they remain silent when Millions of non-humans are banned from competing in sports and participating as full members of society." a group official claimed. "We can no longer succumb to double standards, circular reasoning, and a blatantly pro-human tilt in all aspects of life. We must stand strong and demand equality before the law." He also urged the public and Tiger Woods to boycott the Masters because Augusta National doesn't admit Sasquatches.

The NFL owners association is expected to vote on the measure this summer. Many owners are enthusiastic about the measure. "I have to play my players a high salary, millions of dollars, but Yeti's would play for 400 a season, because their economy is a barter economy." Dallas owner Jerry Jones yelled. "We also wouldn't have to pay for hotel rooms or airfare, since Yeti's sleep on the naked earth and move by running very fast." Jerry screamed at the microphone.

Yeti's, who hail from Tibet, live simple agrarian lives, based on a barter economy where money has no value. Many make a living herding goats, cattle, and oxen. Others forage the countryside for food, farm, or hunt. While many move to the cities in search of work. All Yeti's serve in the Yeti Militia, who swear Allegience to the Holy Phajer and ruling Hierarchy of the Sasquatch Militia. Many Yeti's wage a guerrilla war against the occupying communist Chinese government, who they claim have murdered thousands of Yeti's and deposed their Emperor, Lil Yeti IV, who now lives in exile in Cascadia.