Sasquatches Disenfranchised at the Polls

November 8th 2002!

This Tuesday, millions of Americans went out and voted for the candidate of their choosing. Everything appeared to have gone smoothly with no Florida-like problems occurring right? Everyone who wished to cast a ballot was allowed the opportunity to do so right? Wrong. Millions of Sasquatches were denied their right to vote for Senator of Minnesota, Governor and Senator Washington and the question of whether to legally recognize Cascadia as an Independent Nation wasn't even on the ballot.

The Sasquatchean Militia nominated the Duke himself, Sir Chett Lovejoy, for the position of Senator. Although Chett did very little campaigning, he was well known and beloved by Sasquatches, stomptroopers, and the citizens of Minnesota alike because of his pro-tolerance and pro-Constitutional amendment protecting Sasquatches views and positions. He was promoted to the rank of Air Marshall because of his efforts and campaigning over the last 16 months to promote the Sasquatch Militia in the political world.

In Washington, the Secretary of Peace wasn't allowed ballot access because he 'Wasn't a citizen of Washington' and 'Needed to be at least 30 years of age to run for Senator'. While these are truly frivolous laws designed to thwart third party candidates and discriminate against Sasquatches, we concentrated our efforts on winning the Senate contest in Minnesota.

On Tuesday as Chett and other members of the Sasquatch Militia were voting, something struck them as odd. They and several hundred other members of the Sasquatch Militia were forced to have their votes stripped of the value and meaning attached to them. They were being forced to cast ballots at the 'Kids voting booth' instead of the General Election booth. Thinking this was a mistake, Chett quickly confronted the election judge who claimed that "You have to be at least 18 to actual vote in a real election." So Chett and the Militia were turned back at Harding, but it wasn't an isolated event, kids all over America were not allowed to cast their votes, because the powerful pro-Intolerance forces in Washington disallow voting for those 18 and younger. But rest assured, the Sasquatch Militia will continue to champion suffrage for the young and oppressed children of the world, who are discriminated against at every corner in life, and now have had their right to vote stripped from their laundry list of 'former' rights.

Also, millions of Sasquatches were harassed, and some were not allowed to vote in several western states. Sasquatches in Colorado were harassed by rowdy mobs of youngsters who threw bottles and stones at Sasquatches who were attempting to execute their constitutional obligation to vote. No security was provided, and the local police department only laughed when one concerned old lady called police alleging a mob was attacking a family of Sasquatches. The operator reportedly instructed her to lay off the 'Anti-Depressants' and immediately 'Go to sleep'. Again this year, just like every year preceding it, Sasquatches have been denied the right to vote by powerful unions and special interests groups such as the NRA, AFL-CIO, and the NEA.

Sasquatches in Washington were harassed by bigoted pro-NWO legions as they attempted to vote at a polling center in the Northwestern portion of the state. In a heavily pro-Sasquatch district, they were attacked and repeatedly belittled with anti-Sasquatch and Sasophobic insults which were fueled by the onlookers who shouted 'Death to Sasquatches', 'Down with Lovejoy' and 'Hell no we won't go, Kill the Sasquatches, and we might go'. The local police against refused to respond to several calls about the situation and instead castigated the callers with jokes such as 'Oh and I bet the Martians are at the Governors mansion.' and 'Have you been watching Harry and the Henderson's lately lady?'. Some of the children were confused, thinking it was a huge joke and they were actually attacking robots, they doused a Sasquatch in Gasoline and set him ablaze. This was the only casualty in the 2002 midterm election, but nontheless an unnecessary one fueled by the misguided notion that Sasquatches are merely mythological creatures and are not worthy of any rights since they do not exist.

Four Sasquatches took retaliatory action near a creek in Penbrook Oregon, where they grabbed a jogger who was wearing a pro-Intolerance t-shirt and gave him a good tongue lashing, they then gave him a Sasquatch Militia T-shirt, followed by a hug, and a lifetime supply of BIC pens. Why such actions were taken remains an elusive mystery that police and the ATF are currently investigating.

Anti-Sasquatch feelings are deep and indelible in many parts of the country. The lack of protection is also palpable. The Government of the United States has performed its duties only in selective ways, protecting humans, but not non-Humans. Its time for a change! Join the Sasquatch Militia and help fight for equal rights, equal voting rights, equal pay, and equality in all aspects of life.