| The New, Short Titanic Script - Part 2 (Scene 3) FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg! CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking) ICEBERG: (hits boat) FIRST MATE: That can't be good. CAPTAIN: Bottoms up! AUDIENCE: Huh? FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools. AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo? (Scene 4) LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking. KATE: That is terrible. And I am the only passenger that has noticed that there are not enough lifeboats! Everybody else took New Math in school. LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified-because-we're-pretty behavior? KATE: Certainly. (kisses him) WEASELLY FIANCE: I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to falsely accuse you of a crime, then handcuff you to this pipe here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously. LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me? WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Also, all of the women in the audience would get up and leave. Of course, you're going to die anyway. AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Booooooo!! LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed. It's in the script. AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed! WEASELLY FIANCE: I really hate you people. (Scene 5) 150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat to begin with, and not nearly frozen my butt off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need another Depends. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, in my day - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie Oceanologist! I'd turn you over my knee, if I could bend it. I'll beat you in the head with this huge extremely rare blue diamond! Hey, come back here! (FADE TO BLACK; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song again.) THE END |
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