Dear Diary,
You'll never guess, you'll just never guess.
What is it you say? Oh tell me Dark Lord you plead?
Well ok, you talked me into it. *grin*
I, yours truly, me and myself included, am going to be a MOVIE STAR!
That's right I, Sauron the Great, will be an A-1, bona fide matinee idol!
It seems they want to make a movie about this whole ring business and the director himself called me up and practically BEGGED me to star in it.
I haven't seen the script yet but I have no doubt that I will be glorious and it's got to be practically almost completely about me because I mean, who's ring IS it anyway?
Oh happy day! Things are really looking up and with the money from this (reminder to self: call your accountant and see if you can find out what the difference is between 'gross' and 'net' profits anyway), I can finally complete rebuilding my castle and even maybe include a few of those items from my wish-list; like a PAVED road to Mount Doom (if I had a nickle for every time I about broke my neck trying to climb that awful path I'd be able to retire and then some), and especially a torture chamber just off the bedroom so when I can't sleep I can just twist a few thumbscrews and fire up a few branding irons and then drift off to the gentle screams of the damned. Now THAT'S luxury I tell you!
But then, what else can you expect for the home of a MOVIE STARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Dude, I SO totally rock it's not EVEN funny!
#4
Well I spent the day hovering around the post box waiting for the script to arrive. If it doesn't show up soon I think I'm going to lose my mind!
It's gotten me thinking about how all of this whole 'ring' thing came about and how if people only knew the real story, they wouldn't be anywhere near as impressed and they obviously are. Just think, someone wants to make a movie about an event that was actually just a kind of stupid accident.
Here is how it really happened (and I would ONLY tell this to my diary because otherwise a great deal of my mystique would be completely lost).
I was working on my accounts receivable for the jewelry shop that I was running at the time, and my accountant was upstairs in the office looking up prices and adding up the totals, while I was down below at my desk going through receipts and shouting up the unpaid bills as I found them.
It went something like this:
Me: "OK Ralph, that does it for necklaces, now we're into rings and bracelets"
R: "Right...uh...give it to me by species again because remember that the tax rate is different depending on..."
Me: "yeah, yeah I know. Ok, under Elves we have three rings marked unpaid. And no bracelets. Oh cool, it looks like they're all kings too, so there shouldn't be any problems collecting there"
R: "Ok, 'three rings for the Elvin kings'...heh heh, sounds like a poem"
Me: "HA, you're a poet and an accountant too huh? Funny!
Ok, Dwarves...let's see...again no bracelets but what's this? Seven? Good Eru, seven rings!"
R: "Those guys are tight with a dollar, that's for sure. I've warned you about selling to them on credit before..."
Me: "Listen, if you don't offer credit to dwarves you just don't sell to them, simple as that"
R: "Well let's just hope they pay up sometime before the end of the Second Age"
Me: "No kidding"
R: "What about men?"
Me: "Holy crap!"
R: "Sauron, what about men?"
Me: "I'm doing men right now and you're not going to believe this"
R: "What's that?"
Me: "oh this sucks"
R: "Sauron, my wife is waiting dinner on me, can we get through this please?"
Me: "Ralph, we're in trouble. I count no less than nine golden, magical rings that I've sold but not yet been paid for"
R: "Nine? Are you sure?"
Me: "I'm ruined...it will take years to chase all these guys down because these rings also give eternal life!"
R: "no wait, wait, it's not that bad"
Me: "Not that bad? I've got a mortgage payment due! That's money right out of my pocket, food right off of my..."
R: "no, no...remember that sales contract that I talked you into including with every credit deal?"
Me: "yeah, so how does that get my money back? We have to go to court, wait for a judgment..."
R: "Listen to me, there is a clause in the fine print that if the recipient doesn't pay in a timely manner, you have the right to foreclose on his mortal soul immediately (if he has one), and use any and all means, magical and otherwise to collect on the debt"
Me: "you mean...?"
R: "Right, all you have to do is whip up some spell, say a master ring of some sort, and you don't have to go through any boring collection process, you just take possession of everything all at once. Get it?"
Me: "That's legal? Hot damn, that's for me. But what about the Elves and Dwarves?"
R: "Well they don't have mortal souls obviously, but I think you have the right to seize other assets, control their magical rings and everything they've done with them. I'll have to read it again to be sure but I'm sure come out way ahead if you..."
Me: "Dude, I'm SO on it!
And that's how the One Ring came about. A simple business matter.
Unfortunately unbeknownst to me that sneaky little Elvish git whatsisname was outside in my studio. He was early for the Ringmaking 101 class that I was giving for the community college and he overheard the whole thing and ran back and told the other Elves about it and they hid theirs from me before I could whip up my master ring and foreclose or else I would have made a clean sweep and totally cleaned up.
That wouldn't have made much of a story though, so I'm glad it's grown over time like it has because now I'm going to be a movie star.
oooooh, I can't wait!
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