~To Look at You~

Synopsis: On that morning....from Daniel's POV...
Disclaimers/Notes: Don't own them. Still wish I did. Nuff said... I wrote
this in a marathon brainstorm tonight. All mistakes are mine.
Inspired by the Rolling Stones and mostly by INXS and the muse of Michael
Hutchence.   Songs quoted are ( in order), 'This Time,' 'Never Tear Us Apart'
and 'Shine Like it Does' by INXS, from 'Listen Like Thieves' (1985) and
'Kick' (1987)

For the guys..... love them both.

**

Over.

Someone said it, so it must be true.

Everything.

Strange word, over. Sounds so final, so definite. I guess I believe nothing
is really ever over, unless we will it so. Words are not as final as they
sound.

That's what I thought, anyways. Still think it.

Gone.

What does that mean? What's gone? The entity we were known as? Is that what
they mean? It has to be that. That's what this is all about, all this shock
and disbelief.

    'I will believe you if you say it's true.'

I sit up in bed. Thinking. How did we get here? I mean, was it really all
that long ago that we met, two kids really, two music mad kids from
Brisbane, opposite sides of town, opposite friends, opposite everything?I
can remember it if I try hard enough to. How could I not?

I had met my future.

    'I've seen you before, turn and walk away, you say won't you come back,
it's just a game anyway.'

The voice of a soul singer. That's what I thought when I heard you the first
time. You looked like a little boy, all round faced and wide eyed, but you
sang like you'd grown up in the American South. You said Marvin Gaye was an
influence of yours, along with Michael Jackson. I could tell in your voice
that it was true. It was perfect, that voice.

I knew I had found the One.

    'We are always wanting, things we cannot find.'

But I had found you. That once in a lifetime. You.

A soul in tandem with mine.

My soulmate.

You smiled. You knew as well.

    'You know that we are always wasting time..'

The band didn't last much longer. It was already fraying at the edges when
you joined. You saw it before anyone else. You felt it coming undone .I
didn't want to think so at first, but it slowly came to light. You never told
me, you just knew. When it happened, when it imploded, and finally went
supernova…..the only one who called me was you. You came by, worried about me.

Always the worried one. I never worried. No point to it. You were always an
amazingly sweet neurotic. Worried about your voice, your clothes, what people
thought of you. Worried the most about your family. But that day, I saw the
deepest concern in your face, your words and actions. All for me.

I didn't know what to do. What does one do in reaction to something like
that? You fussed over me, worried me, drove me mad with questions, words.

And I loved every minute of it.

And all these years later, that's what I recall with the most love.

Yes, love. You knew it for what it was before I did. or so you thought. For
once, I knew before you did. Oh, I'd never admit it now, let you think you
'discovered' it first. I was fine with that.

Then I found out that there was someone else. Well, I had known for awhile.
It was your girlfriend. Later to be wife.

    'You know I can forget.we have fought before.'

That you loved her was never a concern. It never stopped me from loving you,
from being around you. No one was overly concerned. We wrote together, played
and laughed over music together. It was not anything sordid or evil. We were
mates, friends, bandmates. Some even thought lovers. But we weren't. Not
then, anyways. Not even after.

    'I've seen inside your heart and I know it's breaking'

I sighed, rubbing my eyes. I hadn't thought of these things in ages. But
they hadn't faded away, like you thought they would. You believed that, so
you said, even made it a song. But you didn't think it true any more than I
did.

We lived together and you said that no one would believe that we weren't
shagging. I laughed. I knew we would never get that far.

We never did. Not then, not after. Oh, I wanted you, of that there was no
doubt. I loved you without question. Not in the obvious romantic ways that
you were prone to, the kissing and touching, hugs and laughter, so intimate.
But still, I did. You often teased me like that.

I lived for those times.

    'Don't ask me what you know is true.don't have to tell you I love your
precious heart.'

The days before the first cd were idyllic. I can say that now. Just us,
messing about, being the kids we were. Who knew what would happen in the
next few months? Who knew then that we'd be the next 'Aussie Pop Hope', or
whatever they called us?

Who knew I'd start losing you?

    'I was standing, you were there. two worlds collided and they can never
tear us apart.'

But they did, you know. Not you, not me. The world did.

Tore what we had away.

But in a way, I knew it would. You can't keep something so precious and right
from the world. So I let you go. I do think you wanted me to keep you for
myself. But I knew that this 'world' was more you than me. It was your
outlet. Your alter ego. It wasn't you, not all of it. It was your act, one
that you'd perfected….or so you hoped. You still had doubts.

You never had them around me, strangely enough. Even when you separated from
your wife, moved away and left, I didn't hate you for that. You did what you
had to do. You were suffering.

I suffered more.

    'We could live for a thousand years and if I hurt you, I'd make wine from
your tears'

That was why I didn't want to do it any more. It was taking you from me too
far away. I didn't want anyone to see me, see how you leaving slowly undid
me. I didn't write, didn't play. What was the point? You weren't there to
hear them, feel them.

You called. You wrote. You sent me packages. You were worrying about me
again. Just like before. You asked me questions, pestered me, pulled things
from me. You made me laugh, talk, even cry.

I was crying when I blurted out that I loved you. You stopped.

"Oh Danny. I knew that. When I saw you. You knew that, didn't you?"

I felt it. You admitted it. You were the more superficially open and loud,
the privately quiet and thoughtful one. A diva only in surface, but an
introverted poet at heart. You talked me back to writing, to playing.

"If for no one but me," you said. "Make it for the two of us."

And so I did. The songs were for you only. If someone else liked them, fine.
But I wrote them for you. I didn't care if I never played them for anyone
else.

Ironic that it should be these songs that were the last we'd write.

    'I told you that we could fly.'cause we all have wings... but some of us
don't know why'

I knew I couldn't go on, that it had to stop. You supported me, doing the press.
Doing the things I hated. You got a lot of stick for that. Not from me. You
were my rock, I was your pillar. You did it out of love, that was it. Despite
what is said even now, I knew that was why you did it. I think I loved you
more for it.

By the end of the tour, it was done. The glue that held us had unraveled,
become weak. So many pressures, so many things.

We argued. We often snapped. But you would never let me stay angry, you
couldn't. You always made sure that we made up. Even when I was wrong, you
apologized first. You couldn't stand it if you thought I was cross with you.

Cross? Hardly. Almost never. Even at the end.

The end. It was months in coming. In truth, perhaps even longer. But it
came. It shook me up and woke me one morning. The finality of it.

Split. Over. Gone.

I didn't cry. I had cried long before this. The only difference was that the
world knew now. I sat in my bed. I listened to the morning opening outside.
On the other side of the world, you slept…or maybe worked. You were busy
these days. But you called me often. You told me your life. How you loved
your place, your home, San Francisco. Of course I was happy for you. You
sounded good. How could I begrudge you happiness, my soulmate?

Never.

I sighed. I closed my eyes and thought of past times.

The phone. I answered it without a word. I looked at my clock. Was it noon
already?

"Danny?"

"Hi, Daz."

"Danny.I'm sorry. I thought-" Always worried; even now.

"I know, Daz. It's okay."

"Do you hate me?"

I smiled.

"No, Daz. Never."

"Promise?"

With my heart, Darren. Never.

"Promise, Daz. I promise you."

    'And if you're looking, you will find it.'

I'd found him. I thought I'd lost him. But he came back.

The past is past. The present is still ours. And the future is what we make
it.

As if he thought I'd give him up that easy.

Not a chance, mate.

Not a chance.