|They say The Strongest Souls pick the Hardest lives.....this may be true. I believe the Difficulties inLife are for a Reason....when we accept the things we cannot change.But have the Courage to Change those things which we can.. Hold on to good, even if it is a handful of Earth
|Everyone of us learns lessons in life. I believe that simply by sharing what we have learnt we touch and change the lives of others.I believe this , simply because reading stories and hearing about others who have lived through Domestic Abuse helps me heal.. I would like to thankyou for taking the time to stop by and read my story.Domestic Abuse hides is secret places. Please be safe while reading my story.If you feel this may trigger you in any way, please skip down through it. I have also added many other useful tools to help you with your healing journey.
I always dreamed, laying as a 8 year old girl on the lawn, gazing up at the clouds of having my own family. A husband who loved and I loved. A home of safety, with children and happy times. Those dreams were hit with a sudden reality when I turned 27, and everything changed.
I became pregnant when I was 19. I was so very very happy.I feared being alone raising a child. A fear that led me into years of torment and pain. I could look back and say I wish I would have known...yet I feel blessed to in a weird way. My marriage taught me so much. The scars my ex left on me are scars that will take a lifetime orr more to heal. Some may never heal, but will stay with me as a reminder to be cautious, and careful.
People ask me why did you stay for 9 years? My answer to them would be. I believed as most woman in abusive relationships do. I thought I could change him. But I could'nt. You cannot change an abuser.
My ex husband was a very religious man. Who believed in many things I did not. He followed a church that believed woman are to obey there husbands, and submit. For 9 years I was this woman. I submitted to him. While screaming inside.Slowly I began to lose any freind I ever had. He believed they were a bad influence. I don't even attempt to understand where his beliefs come from or how he even seems to think they are nromal. I spent too long doing this. But I do know I was expected to be all he wanted or needed me to be (physical, emotional, sexual) . He convinced me I was crazy. That I needed emotional help, because I would not feel it right to have to obey him. He would hurt me and promise to never do it again. I felt I was hurting him, if I didnt forgive him and give it another try. He played a game with my emotions, using guilt to control me. Using God and religion to make me feel as though I was never good enough and no matter what I did I would go to hell.The emotional abuse I suffered left far more scars on me then his physical abuse.There were many times his hands were around my throat trying to choke me. He threw things. He was what I call a dry alcoholic who substituded a man made religion for his booze.The church accpted this behavior.
When I turned 27 I had 3 children by then and he had me convinced that I was no good to be a mother. I believed him to. I became very depressed and suicidal. I rememer him yelling at me. Go kill yourself then!!!!. Even this I failed....I couldnt do it. I knew I needed help. I knew I would die if I didnt leave. So alive physcially but dead inside. I agreed with him to sign a paper saying he could have the children, Only then did he give me permission to leave. Sadly I did this.
I think back though and realize now. It is better my children have a mother who faught to live, instead of allowed a abusive person to emotionally abuse her to the point of suicide.
I left and went to a womans shelter. A friend drove me as I had no drivers liscence. Something he would not allow me to have. I had the clothes I was wearing. I weighed 98 pounds at the time, because I stopped eating. He bought the food. It was not mine to eat he would say, especially if I failed to make sure the house was tidy at times.
I do not veiw myself as a victum of abuse, rather I see myself as a warrior. A survivor. I made it out. The first and most important step! I urge you if you are living in an abusive situation find a way, a freind, a pastor, your family, your neighbour, a shelter, find a way to get out! Don't wait. You know in your heart if you are in a safe envirnment. Ignoring this may cost you your life.Take your chidlren and find a safe place. I am at this time going through a custody battle to have my children home with me. Unfortunately my exhusband is very good at wearing masks. Emotional abuse is something that is hard to see, for it leaves not many scars on the outside.
With deepest love and concern
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